<BR>It's been a rough couple of days, with the holidays here and all. I am feeling desperate and lonely. I am more and more discouraged that things are not going to change and it is never going to get better. I am 5 1/2 months into this, the OC is 5 1/2 months old...H has been living with OW for 5 1/2 months. I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have good days and bad days..lately, bad. I'm not sleeping well again. My H and his mother are blaming me now for his affair. His mother blames me for noone but my H and his mistress coming to her house for Thanksgiving for the first time ever. His 7 brothers and sisters dont want to be anywhere near him or the OW. Is it my fault they have morals? My H blames me for his affair...I'll admit, I wasnt the best wife in the world, but I was dedicated, trustworthy, and loving. A little background...I did yell, scream, and nag...mostly about him spending time with our family..everything else was more important than us. When I got angry, I have even told him I hated him and call him horrible names...I now know that this is an unhealthy way to argue, but it was the only way I knew how...I grew up with an alcoholic father and argueing and screaming and hadnt learned any other way to fight. I'm not trying to make excuses for my behavior..but that's just the way it is. We were married for 7 years and a couple of days before separation...did 7 years of name calling and screaming cause this...Is this my fault? I keep going back to all of the mistakes I made in my marriage..it wasnt that bad, really, just when we argued, and that wasnt even that frequently until September of 1999 when the affair began...the the arguing was all of the time. I have appologized to him for all of the wrong that I did him..and tried to make peace with myself, him and God, but it seems impossible. I asked his forgiveness for the role I played in his affair..and I am left struggling for answers...Is this my fault? and if so, how do I rectify the damage that I have done? Please help me!!!<P>------------------<BR>

His affair is <B> NOT </B> your fault ! Half the problems in the marriage are, I'll agree with that. But the affair is not ! And let us not forget that it takes two to argue, he had other choices, he could have told you that unless x, y and z changed he was leaving, or would find someone else. <P>Most betrayers are conflict avoiders, they don't really say anything. They just stuff the things that bother them until they build up big resentments , then they feel like anything they do can be excused because we are the big bad nasty people they have to deal with. <P>What they hardly ever stop to think about is that many times we are just as unhappy as they are, but we chose to remain faithful and try to work it out. <P>MIL needs to take a chill pill. The only actions you are responsible for are your own, unless (evil grin here ) you held the rest of her children captive at gunpoint and forced them to stay away from her house. Since I truely doubt that happened don't worry about her, if she mentions it again, just tell her that she needs to talk to her kids, she raised them, you didn't.<P>You have admitted your wrongs, and have apologised and are working on improving yourself, even God asks nomore of us than that , and He's perfect !<P>Sometimes people are jerks, you can't do anything about them.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

You are only responsible for your own actions, not his, not your MIL, not his siblings. Are you reading Surviving an Affair? Do you know about Plan A? <P>Please try to go into Plan A. That is for YOU. With Plan A I was once again able to be a loving, happy person with everyone I was involved with. Let go of anger. It was so great. I think I would have died if I had stayed to mad, hurt, and upset. Regardless of who is right or wrong (and you H is wrong for not working things out instead of turning to OW) you can be a happy person. This will help you in dealing with MIL also. If "they" cannot point out all your flaws, well then maybe they have to look elsewhere for where the problem is <P>Seriously, when I was no longer "the problem" my H had to start thinking things through. I wasn't the angry, distant, unattached person he thought I was. It really stunned him. But best of all, I was happier. All of "them" no longer had control of my life.<P>Nothing is fair or just. You can sit forever trying to figure out "why??". Sometimes there just is no explanation. And sometimes an apology just falls flat. Who knows? Don't frustrate yourself with all that. A man who could abandon children has a lot of stuff he needs to sort out and you will never be able to figure it out for him. Just please don't be his excuse! Please try to take care of you and be a happy person. It is like a force shield against negative stuff!<P>Take care.. Carolyn

I'm so sorry you're in this heartbreaking situation. Please know that your H and MIL are being the nutty ones. You've gotten some great advice: I second.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J