<BR>Hello everyone...<P>I need some advice..I am tired of argueing and fighting with my H. Most of which is about the OW being around our children. I know I have to be mature about the situation...salvage some sort of life for myself and move on...Since he has chosen HER repeatedly over me, I have given up on any hopes of making my marriage work..I have a court order that keeps the OW from being around my children except at the home of my MIL and FIL, but they have become bitter towards me because of that. I asked them if they would mind this, they told me no, but now all of a sudden, it's a problem. I am thinking of waiving that part, I dont accept their relationship, nor do I condone it, but as a mature woman, I must realize that this woman (who destroyed my life and my children's lives) is forever going to be a part of my life and my children's lives due to the OC. My H spends very little time with our children due to this woman, and it is clear to me at this time their intentions are to marry when the divorce is final...but a lot can happen in 7 months..I am just afraid that my children are suffering due to my bruised ego. I am going to have to let this woman into my children's lives at some point if my H and she get married...I cannot prevent it at that point. I was hoping that my H would spend more time with them if she was allowed to be involved. I dont like it, I dont like her..but I am not the issue here. My children love their father with a passion that cannot be described. I am so torn. My heart aches for them, and for me. I dont know if I'm being selfish with this...Not allowing her to be around the children..It hurts my MIL and FIL because in order to keep my H from getting in trouble they have to be around if he insists on forcing that woman into my children's lives...I'm very confused. I want to keep as few people from getting hurt as possible..the main people suffering in all of this are the children....the OC, and my two. The OC is only 5 1/2 months old and I couldnt imaging bringing a child into this world under these circumstances...but that shows this woman's thoughtlessness and selfishness. She hit my son, so I was told by my 6 year old, I dont know for sure if it happened or not, but even the thought of it makes my blood boil! This was back in July..that is how we prevented her from being allowed on the visits...although, had that not happened, I dont know that the judge would have allowed it because of the fact that it confuses the children...but at some point, I am going to have to forgive this woman and move forward..God says it may be difficult, but we must love those who hurt us more than ourselves..do good deeds for those who are evil...I am just so tired of fighting. I dont have the strength to continue fighting with a dead horse. My H does not yet see this woman for who and what she really is and I'm not sure that he ever will...he doesnt see that I have loved him regardless of all of the evil she and he have done to me. If he would tell me that he knew he had made a mistake, agree to counseling, and cutting off all ties with the OW (with the exception of the OC and visitation), I dont know that I could turn him away...but that is neither here nor there. I am afraid that if I allow my children to be around them...that just completes there little family and helps them "play house" and plays into their little game. I dont see any hope in my marriage at this point, so why not accept this relationship, such as it is, so that I can move forward and stop all of the argueing and bitterness...You guys always have such fantastic advice and I need it, before I call my lawyer...I have not discussed it with her or any of my thoughts to this..but she would tell me that it is up to me...but the reprocussions are that it will make it easier for him to get joint custody if I let this woman into the children's lives. The only problem he has with joint custody is the hours he works..and that is not going to help them. I dont know what I should do. I still love my H more than myself...I dont know how to make the transition easier for my children. They miss their father desperately..I cant distinguish my motives for not wanting her around them...protection for me, and them, selfishness, motherly instinct and revenge! I do not hate her, I hate what she has done..but this is not the first time and I hope and pray that my H will wake up out of the dream world she has created and realize what he has here. He will not EVER find a more devoted woman than myself...If I let her around, it will make it more difficult for a reconciliation, if ever possible...but then again, if I dont, the argueing and bitterness continues. I hope this makes sense, because I feel that I am just rambling on and on, but I am trying to sort out all of these feelings...I go through stages of not wanting my marriage, wanting my marriage, but it takes two..and he is not even close to being interested in continuing the marriage. He wants to begin a new one with the woman who destroyed my life. I know all of this is in God's hands, and I pray and pray and pray about it...and maybe through one of you out there, I will get the answer that he is trying to convey upon me. The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want....Let no man separate what God has joined together, but a woman has separated us...7 months is a long time and a lot can happen, but things seem so bleak at this point...I know I must let go and Let god have it...but in the meantime...I need advice in the tangible fashion...and maybe God will speak to me through one of you...<P>------------------<BR>

Aloneandsad,<BR>I feel for you. I know the hurt you are going through when you feel as though you are fighting for someone who has put you in 2nd place. I don't have any good advice, just keep your head up..looking to God. You sound like you have your priorities straight and just need a little encouragement to keep on keeping on. I am the same way..coming here helps me keep going, even when I want to throw in the towel. I think you need to keep doing what you are doing, and if your H doesn't wake up, then you will eventually fall out of love with him and can move on with the understanding that you did EVERYTHING you could to do what was right. I understand the daily heartache you feel and I will pray that God will ease that pain as He has mine. Make no mistake..you are doing the right thing..don't second guess that in the least. God Bless You.<BR>Floored

Dear aloneandsad,<P>You do have a very tough situation in your hands but as Floored has said, you understand your priorities and that helps.<P>You seem to be at a point where you have rationalised the situation and seen it from various perspectives. I know that you have one big advantage and that is God is on your side. When you have humanly exhausted all options, and the load is unbearable, the wisest thing you can do is bend your knees and surrender it all to Jesus.<P>Because the Lord is your shephard, you do have that advantage when you learn to recognise His voice and directions. Personally, I have gone through two WS, one of who was abusive. I didn't stay in my first marriage because there were no children and we were past intimate when I discovered the first A. I stayed a few more years when he pleaded because he had no home as he was an abused orphan.<P>In this marriage, I am giving it a shot because like you I have offspring to think about. I rather suffer than have the children traumatised. However, that is usually not good enough to stay for the rest of your life because the children do sense something is wrong. You need a repentant WS who is willing to work through the rebuilding and restoration of the marriage. BUT first you need your H to realise that what he is doing is wrong and to recognise the confusion and hurts he is dispensing.<P>Prayers do give rise to TANGIBLE RESULTS. It even performs miracles. I personally experienced that and my WS too as he saw God gave tangible stuff when he asked and all these are really shocking to a 'half'(he said that ) believer like himself.<P>Please commit your WS, your marriage, your children and your lives to God and pray for hedges of protection around your WS and marriage so that no OW except you can get to your H and vice versa, and that OW be banished from your lives when God softens your H's heart towards you and your children.<P>Try to read the bible and pray and fast. Seek others whom you can trust and share with to pray for you and the marriage, and God is very partial to the prayers of the young ones. They can be taught to pray simply, such as "God keep our family whole and complete" or something like that.<P>There are two books for a start that might help you and they are both by Stormie Omartian. "the power of a praying wife" and "the power of a praying parent". <P>One point I find startling about your post is about loving your H more than yourself because alot of the BS do that. If one puts your H or anyone above God, it is idolatry. Just as your H is in idolatry when he puts the OW above God and the marriage.<P>At this time, you need to weed out the bitterness and remove each piece of stone from your laden heart and say "God, I give this to you". You do that time and time again, till you feel the load lifted off your chest. <P>As for childcare, I think you can continue to show your appreciation to your MIL and FIL because they are caught in the middle. I can say that they are probably nicer than most MIL and FIL. My MIL is not even nice, wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. She wouldn't even care to look after the baby because she just wants her freedom, money, presents, etc. So, I do think whatever they are, they have been doing a lot for you and your H by looking after the children. It is better to have them on your side if you intend to work on your marriage.<P>You are a courageous and strong person to want to work on the marriage despite the odds you recognise. But it may well be worth it because couples have reunited after been separated. I hope you see a counsellor or have telephone counselling with the Harleys as some of the MBers are doing. You need to think through how best to approach your H to discuss the needs of the children and the marriage. <P>God bless you <BR>weep

Aloneandsad, you are struggleing with so many things. I am just going to keep my answer simple.<P>First, whatever your actions are, make sure that your motive for that action is pure. What I mean by that is, if you are taking an action on the benefit of your children, then you DO NOT have to worry about what anyone else thinks. Period. Just keep on course with doing the right thing for your children and your family. YOu do not have to worry about OC, MIL, etc. They are NOT your problem. If you are taking care of your children, the rest will fall into place. <P>Being a happy, loving person is the best thing you can do for them. They will see how you carry yourself in a storm and remember. I am sure they are sad about their father, but you cannot help that. I want to take away all the things that cause my children pain, but I cannot. I can teach them how to deal with the bad stuff as best that they can. Thank God there has been so little bad stuff in their lives. Anyway, all you can do is talk to them about how they feel, listen to them, hug them. You cannot explain their fathers actions. Don't try. <P>If you are keeping OW away from your children to protect them, then good. If your H wants things to be different he could make it happen. He could come visit & OW doesn't have to be around. Would you let your children be around any other stranger who would cause them harm? I am sure the answer is no. She does not have their best interest at heart. When & if they marry you will have to deal with it them. But not now. There is no legal or rational reason to have to deal with it. You cannot be responsible for what your MIL and FIL do. You can state how you feel and leave it at that. If they do not respect you views in regard to your children, you have the option to only allow the children around them when you are there. that is a tough thing to do, I know. But you have to decide what you will state for & gently go about your business.<P>Take care... Carolyn

Dear Aloneandsad,<P> I can relate. I was in your shoes about 4-5 years ago. (Where did the time go?!)<P> My marriage did not make it. My xH did marry OW when she was about 7 months pregnant with their 2nd child.<P> There were issues concerning OW being mean and possibly abusive to my daughter. I had a third party (school counselor w/ a Master's in child psych) talk to my daughter and take down all that was said. I then took it to my xH and my lawyer. <P> This was the arrangement we had for visits: Every weekend, Saturday noon to Sunday noon, when xH was home and could monitor interactions b/t OW and our child.<P> Now, the selfish issue. I, too, wanted OW no where near our daughter. I was jealous, hurt, and angry. How angry? Well, I did realise my dream of beating the snot out of OW... after I let her strike me first... hey, self-defense <P> But, after a while, a couple of weeks, really... I knew that it would be wrong of me to keep daughter from her father. Things were tough at first. I missed her like crazy. I wondered if my daughter would grow to love OW-turned-W. I worried that OW would hurt daughter emotionally (she didn't dare try physical abuse).<P> Between 1996 and now, there have been a few hairy moments, a lot of cold shoulders, couple of really ugly looks, one skirmish (already mentioned)... and now, well...<P> Daughter has a healthy, happy relationship with her father, step-mother (barf), and step-sibs. We have moved from the state where her father lives, and she will be going to spend a couple of weeks with them for the holidays (I'm paying for the airfare), and a few weeks in the summers.<P> I am still dealing with momentary pangs of hurt and anger. But, daughter is fine... and her father supports her and doesn't give me any grief. He knows that I went above and beyond what he *deserved*. I have a healthy relationship with my x-in-laws...in fact, I speak to them on a weekly basis.<P> It is hard. It hurts like hell to be "dunped" by your H and then, he so graciously provides a new "mommy" for the kids to try and figure out. I lived. We all made it, not without a few bumps. It is not the ideal dream I envisioned when we had our daughter... but, in light of the choices he made, it is the best that we could do for our child.<P> I'm sorry if I rambled a lot, it is late, here... I felt like you could use this. All together, we managed to make a semi-normal life for our child. And, I lived through it. You will, too.<P> God bless you, Alone. I don't know if this helped, I hope it did. Sort of my version of "hind-sight". <P>~~Mynabird

Thanks to all who have replied...I knew I could count on you for support and the advise I need. Mynabird, that was kind of what I was thinking I needed to do. I think if the OW could be included, then my H would make the effort to come see our children. OW is holding him back..I would like to believe that he has not turned his back on our children because he wants to..I think he has turned his back on them because of OW. She is very controlling and demanding of him. She thinks he should be with her, their illegitimate child and her other illegitimate child (also by a married man). I think this woman is the scum of the earth...but if I want H to be with his children (and give me some time to myself) then I'm going to have to bend a little....for the sake of my children. She is a horrible person, and my children will eventually see her for who and what she really is. They are small now...so they dont quite understand...My 6 year old daughter said to me last night, "If you and daddy get a divorce and you find another man, where will I live?" I said "What do you mean, where will you live?" She said "My daddy found another woman and he left me, so if you find another man you might leave me too." That shattered my heart into a thousand pieces...I hope I made her understand that whoever comes in and out of my life, she and her brother will always be at the top of my priorities and no one and nothing will ever come before them. I think she understood.

Dear Aloneandsad,<P>I am not in your situation, but I really feel for your situation. Especially after reading your last post about what your daughter said. I just wanted to let you know that I have been praying for your peace of mind, and that God would give you the strength you need to handle this situation.<P>Tigger

Dear Alone,<P> I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say. Unfortunately, you have to take the bitter with the sweet, when it comes to your children.<P> As long as you know that the OW is not an ax-murderer or child molester... your children will probably be safe around her, as long as H is there with them.<P> Who knows, OW could decide this was more than she bargained for, when she finds herself taking care of not only her own kids, but her lover's children, too! And on the weekends, no less! <P> Make yourself a non-enemy with your H. Try out a plan A or B (whichever fits), while giving him as much time with the kids as possible. You would be amazed at what can happen, when you stop fighting and blaming, and start speaking to each other in a non-confrontational way... sort of an "Okay, here we are, let's make the best of it" way.<P> My xH actually started confiding in me about *their* problems, after a while. I listened, with empathy and a little humor. If I wouldn't have minded beginning WWIII, I probably could have taken it much, much farther... know what I mean? At that point, though, I had completely lost interest in xH as a man. He is now just the father of our daughter, and I'm grateful that he continues to show interest in her. <P> About what your little one said... make sure you tell her that her father is very "busy" right now, but that he does love her with all of his heart. I know that seems a little unbelievable, but he didn't leave because he wanted a new daughter... he left because of a manipulative OW. Trust me, it'll do your little girl a world of good to know that daddy loves her, too. Other than that, you did great! <P> Hope this helped,<BR>~~Mynabird

Holy cow!! I just went and read one of your previous posts to get a little more history... sheesh! Your OW is a serial home-wrecker, huh?! I doubt they'll last much more than a year together, hon. She has can't-wait-for-the-next-victim-meal-ticket-<BR>new-man syndrome! <P> I just feel sorry for all the people she has so selfishly affected... from you and yours to her own kids! What a piece of work.<P>Rest easy, Alone. You are definitely the better person... God is watching over you.<P>~~Mynabird

aloneandsad,<P>i don't know what to say to you except that i don't think that condoning your H and the OW's little fantasy is the right thing to do. i think that your H needs to stand up to the hussie and tell her he is going to see his kids. He is thinking with his penis instead of his heart and letting the OW rule his life. I would tell him what your daughter said. If that doesn't rip at his heart then I don't know what will. <P>I am so sorry that you are in this situation, but until your H decides which way he is going, I would not let the kids be around OW. I personally don't think it is a good example to show them. Their dad is making very bad decisions and they shouldn't have to be a part of it.<P>Be advised, I don't have any kids yet so I am not qualified to give any advice on that subject. Just my opinions. Take care and you are in my prayers.<P>happy_girl<p>[This message has been edited by happy_girl (edited November 30, 2000).]

Since the OW has been a threat to your daughter, I'm thinking you might stick with the court order re: her and the kids, at least until such time as your H actually marries her, IF he does. If either your H or the OW are serial adulterers (and even if they aren't), statistics say their relationship won't last and you must just ride out the storm. Unfortunately, their immaturity hurts you and your kids. I think reassuring the kids they are loved by both parents, sharing and reinforcing YOUR values, and letting them see for themselves what kind of person they are dealing with is the best in the long-run.<P>Just my 2cents. Best wishes and so sorry for the kids...<BR>