Well, my H has decided that he really does want to finally break it off with OW. This is something he has said so many times and has not done. He admitted yesterday that he has still had sex with her in the past few weeks. But he says all this is just an act to keep her happy so she won't pull the cord on his job.<P>I had asked him before Thanksgiving to move out. I wanted him to make a decision (Plan B). But we decided to wait til after holidays. Well today he did move out to a rent by the week motel. Says he hopes to have all this settled in 4-6 weeks. His plan is for OW to see how big a jerk he is & then she will not want a relationship. He thinks if she sees him living by himself and not moving into full relationship with her that she will finally withdraw & go away. Makes me wonder if I am really winning any big prize here. <P>I am ready to move on (I think) and just am SO tired of this limbo. We don't move forward. It is just a God forsaken limbo. I am still a "functional single parent"... taking kids to scouts, ball games, ball practice, chursh, etc. all by myself while he works & does whatever else he does. This is same as past 10 years have been.<P>This sounds like I am this biggest wimp or doormat on the face of earth. But I really am not and actually have no fear of being alone. I just want to make sure I am making right choices for my children. I never wanted them to have a broken home or step parents (I know none of you wanted this). But there are times when I realize my H is just not a great guy and will most likely always lie to me. I think he always has to some degree about one thing or another. Just never had affairs. But in so many other ways he has been a terrible partner. <P>Catnip, the thread you started about all the special things you & your H have that OW didn't have brought me to tears. I can just not recall many times my H was ever very tender to me, or caring. Our relationship centered so much around me taking care of his D by first marriage. Before we married I found out I was pregnant. My H talked me into an abortion and then didn't even go with me to the center. I should have taken that as a sign from God to RUN. But I felt so bad for his D and had moved to another city to be with him (sold my house, quit my job, etc.). Anyway, I just cannot recall too many special things that we have had together. It is just sad. My boys are attached to him, even though he is not a great dad. Not a really bad one either. Just what I call a "visiting" father. He is there every night for 30 minutes or so for them. On weekends he fits them in for an hour or two. He would most likely see more of them if he had them every other weekend. Damm that is so sad. <P>I just wish there was a good answer. I really feel that there aren't any good ones, just compromises. But then all of life is some sort of compromise isn't it? Often I think she DESERVES him. Then I could just go on my way & raise my boys. I basically do it by myself anyway. Not much would change in that respect. Let her put up with the crap. My H is correct in saying that once she sees what a jerk he is she will drop the relationship! Ha! <P>I just really wonder why I am trying so hard. Help me out folks. Can you pass a clue along to me?<P>Carolyn

takingcare, so sorry to hear this see if you can get your hands on the book that I was talking about I got the one Ive been reading at the library.I am sorry but it really sounds like a line that he is telling you. I sure do feel for you. with love flowerseed

Taking care,<BR>I know the feeling, especially the doormat part. Well, I will be in Plan B for 2 weeks tomorrow. It has really been tough, tougher than I thought it would be, but I can already see that it is helping me become more independent and has given me a lot of time to clear my head. I would suggest that if you are already feeling that you can make it on your own, do the Plan B, you don't have anything to lose, and maybe this will jar your H out of "Wonderland". It can't hurt anything and it can solidify your independence or it can make you realize that you might be making a huge mistake. I can't remember how long this your H's affair has gone on, but I entered Plan B after only three and a half months. My W kept on hurting me by allowing OM to go to doctor visits and talking to him constantly. The day I came to realize it was time for Plan B was a huge turning point in my recovery. I felt as if my W had made a six figure withdrawal from my love bank, and being the bank president, I decided to shut her account down to prevent an overdraft charge!! It sounds as if your H knows he's a jerk, so let him know that unless he's willing to follow the MB plan, you can't continue a relationship with him. Sour milk doesn't get any better if you put it back in the fridge!<BR>Floored

Thanks guys. I really do think I have given him too much room. This should have been resolved months ago. <P>Floored, thank you for the line about "soured milk". Pretty good. that is exactly the state of affairs here. I guess my biggest fear is that he will break off with OW, but then keep this "I have to stay connected with child" routine up for the rest of our lives. I just don't think I am going to be willing to do that, given his history. I am just so tired of our two seperate lives. It has been over 18 mths since he started affair and 12 mths ago was D-Day. I have tried twice to ask him to leave and start Plan B, but he has wiggled out of leaving. Flowerseed I will start reading. <P>Thanks again.

Takingcare:<P>I have started to post to you twice now only to get frustrated and cancel the action. I am truly at a loss. Your situation must fill you with despair. <P>What I am going to say is probably totally out of line but, Takingcare, I am only saying this because if what you say is true, you are being short changed.<P>Takingcare, you only go around once in this life. Just once. <BR>No one expects perfection, no one expects to be free from all pain and strife, but in order to heal a marriage, I believe there has to be something there worthwhile in the first place. If you can't think of anything wonderful about your marriage or anything special, close and warm and loving from your husband, I can't imagine why I would ever bother, why I would ever make the effort. Unless, of course, you see something in him that you're not telling us.<P>I just hate to think of you working your heart out for someone not worthy of you or your time or your life. There has to be something in it for you somewhere and I worry about the message this is sending your kids.<P>Am I out of touch here? Maybe you can let me know why you fight for someone when you don't know what you're fighting for.<P>I think the reason why you haven't received much of a response is because no one knows what to say to you about this. It's disturbing to think there is nothing special about your marraige, yet you stay in it. <P>To the bottom of my heart, I wish you a fulfilling life filled with love and warmth.<P>Love<P>Catnip =^^=

Takingcare,<BR>Catnip is absolutely CORRECT! I didn't know what to say because I too was baffled. If there are NO REASONS to stay in this marriage well then I know of two great reasons to get out of it - YOU and your boys.<BR>It's a whole new year takingcare and its time to reevaluate and do some soul-searching. Life is too damn short to waste it with someone who is not worth it. You sound like such a wonderful person and deserve all that your heart desires. <BR>Let us know how we can help.

I have really done a LOT of thinking since making this post. I really do think i have been too compliant and have enabled my H to continue his behavior. I don't fear him or fear being on my own. The only reason I have allowed this is my over whelming desire to not make any move that is detremental to my children. But in taking so much time and effort to make sure I do the "most right" thing, I have allowed too much bad stuff to happen. <P>I went to the dentist yesterday & they have personal cd players they give you to listen to while getting "worked on". Guess to drowned out the sound of the drill. Anyway, I was listening to a Clint Black cd and a sone came on about "I don't want a love I can live with, I want a love i can't live without". It just hit me so hard. It was all I could do not to cry (I didn't want the dentist to think she was causing me pain). I realized that I have just got to expect so much more. <P>My H is currently out of our house, living at a motel. He thinks that in 4-6 weeks the OW will see that he is an a**hole and her love with wither on the vine & she will slinker off. Then he will come back & we will resume our lives. I know what is wrong with this picture. No mention of "Carolyn, I love you and I am telling her that". Me and our life are second fiddle to the pasion play he & her are playing out. I know that this attitude will leave OW forever in control of our lives, since H refuses to kick her out of our lives. <P>I plan to tell him that it is really over. That I know it will never be ok with us. Catnip, you are right on the money. I deserve better and so do my children. I knew you would come up with some thoughts on this. There is no reason for me to fight for this. He isn't fighting for it. <P>LeeLee, thank you too. Just knowing that sometimes it is ok to quit doing what you are doing is such a relief.<P>I can pray for my childrens' sake that my H could one day change, but that is his decision to make. His lack of pasion about OUR life is his fault, not mine.<P>I have watched two very good friends die at very young ages. My sister-in-law, who wanted life so much. And my dear friend Greg, who hung onto life with every ounce of strength while living with a terminal disease for 7 years. They both would kick my butt for wasting my life. <P>Thank you all for caring. Carolyn

carolyn,<BR>catnip is right. i was not sure what to say because my thoughts were kind of like what catnip said. leave it to her to always know when to tell it like she sees it, the reason we all love her here. plus, i don't have too much wisdom to share usually.<P>i just want you to know that i hope that whatever decision you make is the best one for you. you and your childrens happiness is ultimately the most important thing. and that line from the the clint black song was powerful. the lord works in mysterious ways sometimes. you were in the right place and maybe right time in your life to hear those words, to give you a sign.<P>take care and good luck finding the happiness you deserve. you have always been such a nice person here, i hope you find what you are looking for in life.<P>love, happy_girl