<BR>Hello again everyone...At least this time I'm not coming to you crying...well, I am, a little because I've taken a long hard look inside and have found that it's not all my H fault...I have done some major soul searching and it is a scary and upsetting thing to look inside and see that I may have contributed to this affair in some "crazy" way. After 7 years of putting up with my nagging and complaining and name calling and during every moment of frustration and aggravation saying "I hate you" in a fit of rage, I see now that that was not the way to go and it cuts deep and I now see we reap what we sow. I deserve what I got...in some way. <BR>I let him take the children to te OW house this weekend because I was so sick..I was on the borderline of having pneumonia and the doctor said to get some rest or else...so to make a long story short...I agreed to waive the court order for this weekend only (that the children may not be around OW and that there are no overnights with anyone not related by blood or marriage) He was grateful and happy...We have started to get along over the past few weeks, no argueing...even a few conversations...even a hint or two of how unhappy he is. It hasnt been this way for a long long time. I am hopeful that maybe this weekend was a step in the right direction...Maybe my thoughts were wrong-I was thinking that by letting my children be around OW and H that it enables them to "play house" even more...but in actuality..it caused more friction...my d said that all they did all weekend was argue and fight...I guess it is a lot to have 4 children under the age of 6 in one small trailer...2 6 year olds, a 3 year old and a 7 month old...maybe it will drive OW nuts!!! I think I'm on the right path by being nice now and not being so bitter and angry because now OW is the only witch with a capital "B" in front of it..I am encouraged by his words..he told me he understands my distrust for him...I also told him that I forgive him and I accept partial responsibility in the failure of the marriage..and he said he didnt deserve to be forgiven...Am I being too optimistic? Is this wishful thinking that I am on the right track to bringing my H home? Please advise!!! Thanks in advance!<P>aloneandsad

aloneandsad:<P>Guardedly optimistic is fine...just start with baby steps.<P>Keep up with your honesty, openness, kindness and accepting your responsibility and let fate guide the others.<P>With all that fighting, it appears as if they no longer see each other as Romeo and Juliet; in that cramped trailer, they probably feel more like Kettles. <P>Sounds like you may begin to look like an oasis to your husband. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and say a prayer. You sound like you are on the right track.<P>Catnip =^^=

alone,<BR>Yes, it sounds promising! They say the thing that gets through 'the fog' is reality(stress) striking the OP-relationship while you stay nice. <P>Best wishes! keep posting..<BR>J

Thanks catnip and Jenny: <P>It seems as though this BB has made the difference...It was when I first came here 7 months ago that I tried the nice approach; but that didnt work then..He was not ready for it. I tried plan A then plan B; now back to A; but I dont think it's been anyone thing that has made the difference in him; except the changes that have been made in me...and I owe it all to my Lord and Savior (and the fact that he led me to you wonderful people!!!) I am optimistic; however; I am keeping a realistic view on things; it will only work out if he chooses to make that happen AND if it is in the Lord's will. I know you both have read several of my previous posts and I have gone through some drastic changes over the last several months. I am tired of the anger and bitterness; I dont have the time or the energy for it. I only have room in my heart for forgiveness...I have yet to forgive OW; i dont know that I will ever make it to that point; because she is unworthy of it; but I have completely taken her out of my focus..I pretend (as much as I can) that she doesnt exist and as long as I can do that; it is much easier for me. Whatever works. I have spent entirely too much time and energy focusing on her and what she did to me and what she did to my family when in reality; she didnt give me and my children a 2nd thought; so why should I give her that courtesy? I have so much to be thankful for and I dont have time to focus on her anymore...I know that God will take care of her in his own time; and I think he will allow me to see her demise to my satisfaction. It's just a matter of time that she will finally feel the pain that she has caused so many other woman (2 other wives)....Anyway; thanks for all of your encouragement..I'm sure that I will still have my dark days, because my H isnt home yet; and even when (and if) he does come home; i will still need you guys to get through "the visions" and the times of trouble so that he doesnt see that "evil darkside" of me ever come out again.<BR>

Dear Aloneandsad,<P>Some of your posts during your darkest days nearly broke my heart. I am so glad to heart that there is a glimmer of hope for you.<P>You sound like your feet are firmly on the ground and you WILL need our support when you want to blast that man for all that he has put you through. But we will be here and I join the others in praying for you.<P>You never know what you have until it's gone -- truer words were never spoken. I hope that your H finally realizes that.<P>Good luck -- we are all supporting you!<P>- Heavenly

Aloneandsad,I was happy to read things are turning aroud for you.<P>I know the reason my H isn't with ow is because he loves ME...but she has 3 other young kids and H's makes 4. He's too old not to come home to peace and quiet and a nice dinner each night!<P>I think your H sees her for what she WAS....a zero to him! <P>Best of luck and I hope you feel well again soon.<P> Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

aloneandsad, Looks like ow will be wearing your name soon. Glad to hear h is begining to see the grass on the other side was nothing but manure. with love flowerseed

Update!!! MIL says that H says he wished he could go back in time and do it all over again. H says he misses our family...he told her he is not happy by a long shot and he loves OC, but wishes he had gone about things differently. She said he is not over me or us....Can it be true? I really hope so...I feel like a school girl with hopes that she will get a glimpse of that hunk she wishes to be with so much! Keep praying for me!!! It's working!

aloneandsad,<P>i hope that your husband will soon realize what he left and come home to you and your children. it seems you are being very realistic, i liked what catnip said, guarded optimism. take things one day at a time, you are in my prayers!!<P>and flowerseed, i loved the manure thing.<P><P>------------------<BR>happy_girl