I don't want to upset W or ex-MM but I have it in my heart to send this. Please help me - say something that will tell me if I should or should not send it. This is about son, NOT me, W or ex-MM.<P>ex-MM has always waffled about whether or not he wanted to see OC. He said I can't see him now but I don't know how I'll feel in 2 years.<P><BR>*********<P>The time has come when XX is asking me questions about his Daddy. I guess in his eyes everyone else has a Daddy and he is wondering where his Daddy is. He’ll say things like “I wanna call my Daddy” “Where’s my Daddy” “I wanna see my Daddy”. DAUGHTER is also curious but she seems satisfied with the explanation that “X's Daddy lives far away so he can’t see him”.<P>Until now, you have put the blame on me and convinced yourself (along with others) that I set out to trap you and therefore, it’s okay to just disregard your son. Both you and I have had to deal with the guilt, hurt and regrets of our relationship. This has not been an easy situation for me either despite what you may believe. Every day when I look at X I am reminded of the circumstances in which he came about….it is difficult for me but when I’m able to set those feelings aside I am able to experience the unconditional love of X. Despite the circumstances, he is a blessing.<P>We (meaning you, WIFE, and me) all need to set aside the relationship that you and I had and think about X. This is a child who did not ask to be put in this situation, who is just as worthy as any other human being of knowing his Dad. Up until this point, I did not approach this because he wasn’t old enough to put two and two together and know that most children have someone in their lives called Daddy. But now that he is asking questions, I think we need to be asking ourselves a few questions. Do you ever intend to be involved, to any extent, in your son’s life? <P>A “blended family” presents many challenges. I’m not implying that this is an easy situation for anyone involved. I’m sure that it’s easier for you to continue with your life and skip the Chapter where Jacob was conceived. The reality is that the Chapter will never be erased. X is on this earth and at some point will want answers. I don’t know when…he could be 7, 17, 27. You can hide him for a while but not forever. You also have BOY AND GIRL TWINS to think about. How will they feel when they find out that they were denied the right of knowing their sibling? <P>If you have any intention or thoughts of being involved in X'S life, then I think that we should talk. <P>

Justme, I presume you are the OW and your child is OC to MM. I appologize that I don't recall detail to your story.<P>I may be interpreting this all wrong, but the letter you are talking about writing is my worst fear. My H acts like he does not want involvement with OC, but sees her now. He says he wants OW to move away and he will never see OC. But what happens when OC wants to see him and starts to ask OW to talk about her dad? Will every one change their minds then about what the OC "rights" are and what my children should or shouldn't know? <P>I know you cannot answer that for me. I have asked OW and my H to allow visitation now at my house with my children, but she says no. Demands that my H visit child at her house. If in three years she decides the rules are different, since her child should know about her half-brothers, well I think it would just start all the pain over again. Along with my children (who would be 10 & 11 in three years) to wonder why I participated in lying to them. <P>Justme, I am such a firm believer that contact can confuse a child. Your child will see that MM has home & two children he shares life with. How much pain will that bring your child? Oh please think about that. Perceived rejection is bad, but perception that your child is "less loved" that those two children can be horrid. <P>I am very sorry for you. I actually pity the OW in our case too. She had no idea how much pain her child would bear. I am sure of that, or she would not have taken the course she has taken. <P>In your case, is the W willing to do a "blended" family? I just need to know. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Dear justme:<P>So much pain, more than enough to go around. <P>I wouldn't send that letter. It's up to him to make the effort to contact your child. He isn't willing to. Contact might strain his marriage. Maybe he knows that and isn't willing to further risk what he endangered when he involved himself with you.<P> Is he supporting him financially?<P>This may just be a situation where you have to accept what is. I'm sorry for all of you.<P>As to your having trapped him, unless you knocked him over the head, forced the sperm out of him by mechanical means, and used a turkey baster to impregnate yourself, he's just being silly. He unzipped his own pants, didn't he? BUt you wont' make any headway toward establishing a father-child relationship by winning such an argument. You may just have to "eat this" and be patient until he makes up his mind whether he wants to see your child. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Every day when I look at X I am reminded of the circumstances in which he came about….it is difficult for me but when I’m able to set those feelings aside I am able to experience the unconditional love of X. Despite the circumstances, he is a blessing.<P>We (meaning you, WIFE, and me) all need to set aside the relationship that you and I had and think about X. This is a child who did not ask to be put in this situation, who is just as worthy as any other human being <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sorry,justme,but you knew what mm felt. It was up to you the moment you found out whether or not to go forward w/pregnancy.<P>Maybe YOU can set aside the hideous deceitful relationship you had, but you are not the only one w/feelings here.<P>MM has w/and twins?<P>THEY come first. Period.<P>He did not consent to a baby, just an orgasm for the moment. That's all. Or he would be with you. Right?<P>Suck it up honey. Your son would grow up resenting his not being in a legitimate family where two people decided they wanted him. <P>Do you honestly think a few hours a month would satisfy him? Or comfort him when he was sick? Or pick him up from school? Or go to his little league games? NO!<P>MM needs to do that w/children of the marriage. Not a lot of time to play part time dad,ya know?<P>When your son is older he may seek out dad on his own. Till then,I think MM told you how he feels.A letter may only reinforce his "negative" feelings toward what happened.<P> Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

justme, I have to agree with gem. I would say more but for the time being I wont. flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

justme,<BR>I'm sorry I don't know your situation, but from what I do know from your post, I feel very sorry for your son. This is the exact scenario that you and your lover should have thought about before you decided to raise this baby on your own. Didn't you think that the innocent child would have questions later or were you so involved in "Lala land" that you thought you all would be one happy family. I think that if the public really knew what kind of devestation affairs caused, especially when a child is the product, maybe that would make a difference in some of their attitudes. My W is in your shoes right now, about to deliver a premature baby, with her lover right beside her. How sweet. But neither of them are thinking about what kind of life this baby has to look forward to so they don't even consider adoption. They think they will just be able to love this baby just like their other kids. BS (does not stand for Betrayed Spouse in this instance). This would have been the perfect opportunity for your son to have been adopted into a loving family where there was a mom and dad.<BR>I'm sorry to beat you up so bad about this, maybe it's because I am the one who was betrayed and I feel what your lover's W is feeling. You may feel betrayed by MM, but you don't feel 1% of the pain of betrayal his W feels and has felt. I agree with Gem, you made this bed, slept in it, did the nasty in it and got a child to boot. You don't have a choice but to live with it..your son didn't have a choice to come into this world without a Daddy, but his Daddy has made the choice for him. Get the financial support you need from him, if what I have read is true..you get more money if the dad doesn't have joint custody. I will pray for your son. God bless his tiny heart.<BR>Floored

Justme,<P>I wouldn't send it. You MM made the decision to completely separate his family and himself from you when he paid you a lump sum settlement for raising your child. I think the contact issue is in his court now. When your son grows up perhaps he will pursue it. <P>But that is a long time from now, and perhaps you will get married. And this new man will become his "Daddy". It does happen quite a bit.<P>So while I understand you pain and sorrow for your son, it seems to me that you and MM have come to an agreement. Live by it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Justme,<P>What in the world are you thinking? This MM obviously has chosen to be with his wife and the children from his marriage. You say your son is asking for his "daddy", well he's not asking for his bio-dad. He's asking for a daddy that is there for him 24/7 and this MM can not do that. I agree with takingcare that contact would be nothing but confusing. So why torture yourself by sending this letter only for him to reject you again. <P>I'm just wondering if you have another motive for sending the letter. I think you and this MM have caused his wife enough pain. I'm sure he is paying for what he did and you will have to, too. So don't cause anymore pain to this woman. Let her try to salvage her marriage and family. And get on with your life, find your son a "daddy". When he's older and wants to know who his bio-dad is, let him find him. And explain to your son that it was in everyone's best interest, including his, that things were handled the way they were. <P>Just curious, do you really want the MM's W to be a part of your childs life. I was not married when I had my first child and I know if I would not had gotten married, I would have wanted to raise my child alone. I know that sounds selfish, but I would have NEVER EVER wanted another woman to have a part of my childs life, especially one that doesn't like me very much, and I'm sure this W doesn't have very nice feeling towards you.<P>The OW in my case didn't send a letter, but she did contact us and say C wanted to know her "daddy". Well as soon as she realized that she would have to deal with me for the rest of her life, she changed her mind and decided she wanted nothing from us.<P>So either she was trying to break up my marriage and would only have my H to deal with or she was scared to take the test. (Paternity tests were pending). I don't know what her motive was, but she didn't get what she wanted. <P><BR>I hope I don't sound mean, but I just hope you think long and hard before you try to force yourself into these peoples life again.<P>Eraser<p>[This message has been edited by Eraser12 (edited January 19, 2001).]

Just me,<P>I realize that you most likely feel like that you are being beat up by the board. But I also feel that like your situation that you are in, I am sure you knew what the reaction would be. <P>I too fear that the OW will come knocking. But I do feel that it is odd how the OWs don't want to answer their own child's questions. You are going to have to sit down and explain why there is no daddy. That you child was concepted under wrong reasons. That even though he is innoccent that you are the one who decided that this would be his life. That you are sorry that he doesn't have his bio-dad in his life, but that you knew that this is how it would be. <P>You will have to tell him the truth, and that includes the truth about you his mother. I have wondered before how the OW in my situation will explain these things to her two daughters. Both were conceived by two different men. To tell your own child the life you have lived is hard I am sure. I will have to tell my own child one day what her father did, I am sure it will be difficult. But that is the life that I am in thus I must answer her questions, such as why would I stay with a man who cheated on me.<P>If you wanted to have this child, and didn't want to give it up for adoption than you must tell this child why he lives in this situation. Because his mother slept with a man who already had a family. Does this sound cruel, it isn't meant to be. But I feel as the parent who is with the child you must tell him the truth. What do you think women tell their children who are from sperm donations? Those children don't know who their fathers are. But the mother tells them the truth, and those children have to accept it.<P>I think it is wrong to bring more pain onto the wife. She did not choose for you to have this child, you did. I know you will say it takes two to tangle. But it was your body, so you could have done other things. I find it funny how women scream how they want their choices, and it is their body. But yet when you ignore those choices, than it is the man's fault. I am sure you would have screamed bloody murder if you had wanted an abortion, and the MM stopped it because he wanted the child. Isn't that what you did to him? Made him live with your decision. So you will have to live with it. That is what happens when you are a grown up and you have children, you have to be the responsible one. Bottom line don't send the letter. <P>babstr.

justme, could you tell me why a woman that has slept with someones h and let herself get pregnate would be looking up information on a web site that is intended for repairing marriages? What I am asking is when you come here what are you looking for? Thats something I have often wondered. flowerseed<P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited January 19, 2001).]

flowerseed,<P>To answer your queestion....I came to this sight to try to understand HOW someone could at one point in time say "I'm leaving my wife. I'm filing for divorce. I'm so happy your pregnant!" to "I will sue you for custody of this child and will take him child from you" to "I will have no contact with this child". I honestly could not comprehend how one could waver from one extreme to the next.<P>This sight has helped me understand so many things.....because of this sight I was able to undertand how much pain I caused, how ex-MM could fluctuate his intentions so drastically, and that I needed to repent to W before I could ever forgive myself. W was innocent in all of this just as our son is. I never really thought about how much pain it caused her...I was in a "fog". <P>So, believe or it not, we can all learning something from each other. I don't want to cause anymore heartache so, after the responses I've received here, it's very unlikely that I'll be sending the letter. You guys seem to set me staight everytime!!<P><BR>

justme, thanks It is good that you are sorry for the damage that has been done.I was not trying to be smart. I really was wondering what draws you here. flowerseed <P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.

just me,<BR>You have come to your senses.<P>Just move on.<P>Find a single man to love you and your son.<P>There will be someone for you.<P>Take your time.<P>Don't go to bed right away and confuse sex with long term love.<P> Debi<P><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Justme,<P>You ask a wonderful question -- " what makes a man fluctuate from I'm leaving my wife to I'll sue for custody to I don't want any contact"<P>Most people do not enter marriage lightly and they are sincere when they make their vows to love and cherish each other forever. But real life, is not all roses, candlelit dinners, and heart-shaped tubs. Fighting with the kids, worrying about money, dealing with illness, depression over your lousy job -- these things can wear down a marriage. <P>Some people start affairs because they are searching for those roses and candlelit dinners. They think that life will be different with this new person they've found. But, as reality sets in and "the fog" disappears, the sad realization is that the same crabgrass that grows in your yard, grows in the yard next door if you look really close.<P>When most people in good marriages have to confront this situation of bringing an OC into the world, that is the reality check that makes them look at the world through true eyes. They see the spouse and the rich history they have with that person -- the knowledge, understanding, and family they share with that person is irreplaceable.<P>And if they have any heart at all, the devastation that they cause the person who has loved them and stood by them makes them understand that they must do anything and everything to save that marriage.<P>Sometimes OWs see what they want to see. The reality is probably that throughout your affair, you were getting stolen moments, but the W was getting the quality time. My H says -- about the his ex-OW -- that if he wanted to leave me for her he would have been gone in a heartbeat. But, he was just acting out a character with her -- for those brief moments in time, he was the man he wanted to be -- not the man he is. It was like a fantasy to him.<P>You made a decision to raise your son alone. I hope for that precious baby's sake that you did not believe sooner or later you would lure the MM back to you so the three of you could be a family. As the others have said, the kindest thing you can do -- not for your child, but for yourself -- is to move on. <P>I am sure that you are a desirable woman that has a lot to offer the right man -- a man who is free to love you and make you number one in his life. I speak from experience here because the OW in my life has spent her life waiting for my H to leave me. She is now ten years older, with no prospect for a H in sight and the best years of her life are passing her by.<P>I pray that you will not make the same mistake. Let go... move on ... and be happy and whole. My prayers are with you.<P>- Heavenly<p>[This message has been edited by heavenlybody26 (edited January 20, 2001).]

Justme;<P>I dont mean to blast you or sound harsh; but how dare you question MM motives; and to boot you expect his wife to sit down with you and try and make a blended family? First of all; how can you expect the wife to do that after the pain that you and MM placed upon her; that would make her relive the whole nightmare all over again. Maybe you are hoping to accomplish what OW has accomplished in my situation...My H feels such guilt over what he has done to me and our children; he feels he deserves no better than OW...Is that what you want...the MM by default? The OW in my case is a deceitful controlling witch who had no forethought of anything or anyone but herself! I feel sorry for your s...Move on..If MM has chose to make his marriage work; Do the right thing for once!!!! Move on; leave him and his family alone! Think about someone other than yourself and what you need and what you want...Yes s may be asking question and yes; you have to deal with those questions; but when you chose to have unprotected sex with a MM; you accepted that responsiblity...Deal with it!! Explain to your s that you were inconsiderate and hateful and selfish when you laid down with his father...that he had a Wife and a whole family that was waiting for him....Move on Justme...Find him a father who can give him 100%...not just be a part time dad...Even if MM came to live with you; his first obligation would be to the children from his marriage; your s would still only get part of his attention and your s-regardless of the situation he was brought into this world in-deserves better than that. Find a single man who will love you AND your son...be honest with him..and that my dear will eventually gain you some respect and dignity. I'm sorry if I sounded harsh...but most of us here are the wives who were at home taking care of our families while women like you were screwing our h and ripping apart any sense of dignity that we have; and ripping our lives to shreds...Now that you have posted here...you can understand the pain you caused the wife and her family...it's a ripple effect; not only did this affair effect you and MM; it effected his children; your child; and so on and so on...I am glad that you now understand a bit of what we (the unsuspecting wives) go through on a daily basis...Maybe you will Never do this again to another woman...Find your own man...Think enough about you and your son..to do that..Have enough self respect to leave that MM alone...if he choses to be involved...Wonderful...but dont push it..

justme,<BR>I'm glad you decided not to send the letter.<P>I want to address one more aspect of your letter. You said: "You also have BOY AND GIRL TWINS to think about. How will they feel when they find out that they were denied the right of knowing their sibling?"<P>A FAMILY is about love and time shared together, irregardless of bio-ties. A family can be formed by adoption and have stronger ties than these. I have 3 legitimate half-siblings by my parent's first marriage, and we are not close, because we were mostly raised in different homes. At 30+yo, I only have the address of one of my biosibs, and I am NOT concerned. I wish them well, but I don't miss them and I don't think my children will miss our OC. The best a parent can do is provide a loving environment, and given what you have said about his wife's feelings in the past, your MM's home is probably NOT a loving environment for your son. As others have said, your son is looking for an involved daddy and most MM are in no position to be that for the OC.

Justme<P>I feel sorry for you and your children. I feel sorry for the OW/Oc in my situation, but she didn't think about how this relationship would effect her children as did you. Life is about choices. you made the choice to stay with this married man and you became pregnant now your looking for your prince to come riding in on the white horse and save the day. HELLO, Wake Up, this is the real world and it doesn't work that way.<BR>The mam used you for his own sefish needs and a baby was conceived' the only thing he owes you and child is money to take care of child.

I agree with everyone on the board. I'm an ex ow and i have 2 boys. If your exmm wanted to be in their lives he would choose that on his own. although i beg to differ about the children suffering not all children suffer. My children spend tues. &weds. and every other weekend with their father, grandparents, siblings his wife. and my children are happy. they don't miss out on anything. They talk to him on the phone everyday when they are sick or need anything he is there for them and loves them as much as his other children. so not all children from married men are hurting or missing anything. it would be just like if him and i had been married and divorced. but justme don't send the letter. I always told myself that if their father didn't want to know them then i would not bother and you shouldn't force someone to be a father. that is a chance you took when you had your child. i look on these boards just for insight like you. so i'm sorry if this offends anybody but trust me my situation is not the typical other woman story.

Justme,<P>Well, there's not too much to add to what everyone else has said. DON'T SEND THE LETTER...PERIOD. You made your bed so now you have sleep in it. Consenting for mutual sex does NOT automatically consent for parenthood. YOU decided to have a child knowing that the father was married and would never be a true full-time father, if any at all. Maybe you hoped so, but it didn't happen. He made his decision to stay with his wife. Deal with it and move on. To send that letter would only cause more pain to the wife. Haven't you done enough already? Move on.<P>Comfort