Its been about a month now since I've gone back to my husband and all I can say is I have gotten worse instead of better. My husband has been patient with me and has been very kind but I feel very little for him still. Cutting off contact with OM has made me want him even more. I can't even kiss my husband now without feeling repulsed. I end up pushing him away. We have been seeing a counselor as well and each time I leave a counselling session I am filled with anger. I want a separation from both men, but neither my husband or the counselor feels this is the right thing to do. My feelings for my husband are dying fast and I don't think staying with him at this point is fair to HIM. Even with OM out of the picture, I can't bring myself to love my husband again the way I used to. My husband thinks I need more counseling..to help me deal with losing the OM. All I want right now it out. I know most people on this forum believe in saving marriages at all costs....but at what point does one throw in the towel? Help

Annie, you're in withdrawl alright. If it makes you feel any better, you're not the only person feeling like that when trying to rebuild. I think I can safely say that most people that had an affair that didn't die by itself, can tell you they felt or are feeling exactly like you. No thing seems to work, the thought of being with the spouse has no appeal whatsoever... the list is endless. It's a normal reaction too. For a while you were completely tuned to your om, getting tuned back to your h will take more than this one month, and many times it does get worse before it gets better. But it can get better, believe me.<BR>Also, having a backup ( the op )even if the affaiar is not happening anymore doesn't help. Think about it this way. If there has never been an op, and things were not that good in your marriage, you probably would think about how to make them better, or just feel upset about it, or something like. The things are different with an op in the picture ( again even if the affair is finished ), anything that goes wrong has the tendency to make you think that it wouldn't be wrong with the ow ( wrong ), anything that you h might do gets into a comparison between in and the op. And in the frame of mind you are at this moment, going trough withdrawl which is a very strong thing, guess who wins?<BR>I wish I had some special sugestion that would make you feel better about your situation just like that. But I don't , actually I don't even think there is one. <BR>Give it a bit more time, try to get trough withdrawl and see how you feel about it then. But keep in mind that withdrawl will be with you for a bit longer, don't expect any special results any time too soon.<BR>Do take care, and give it a try<BR>Kat<BR>

AnnieL,<P>Right now you're knee deep in withdrawal and it sounds like you are almost resenting your H's very existence. Remember those marriage vows you took stating to love your H "for better or worse?" Welcome to "the worse." Now is time for you to dig as deep as you can to find the fortitude to weather this hail storm. Surely your H and your marriage is worth more than a month of effort, isn't it?<P>I bet your marriage has been deteriorating for quite some time, am I right? Well, can't you devote at least half that amount of time to making things right again? With 100% effort this time. I remember your last post you were still in contact with the OM, and that was only a week or so ago. Time. Patience. Time. Patience.<P>One day, you will be grateful that you had an understanding H who is willing to rebuild and forgive and move forward. Take a look at this forum if you need reinforcement about how much of a blessing that is.<P>What is it about your counseling sessions that anger you? Is it something the therapist is saying or is it something your H is saying? Could you be more specific? <P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

AnnieL,<P>This is a tough time for you and your husband. I've been through the same. Remember, there is no rush to do anything. I understand this need to get away from it all very well. Your frustration is within yourself, however, and you'll only carry it with you. Your feelings will change, give it time. It really does get better!<BR>Read and post here for support. There is lots to be found here. <P>TryingAgain

Annie: I cannot address withdrawal issues from a personal point of view, but I can give you my feelings on the counselling end of it. My H and I started going in November/98. Out counsellor said that she had never had a couple as bad as us for arguing about absolutely nothing. We were so bad at our first session, that she feared that we would not be together for the next one, so she suggested a "quick fix" to tide us over, until we really started getting into the deep end of the counselling. She had us recite out phone number backwards (silently) five times, when we were angry, and then discuss the problem. We also had to have "time out" whereas we would leave the room where the argument started, and return at a mutually agreed upon time, and then discuss the problem. We would constantly interrupt each other in mid sentence, etc. and in general, we couldn't speak a civil word to each other, without a major argement erupting. Well, I am happy to say that it is nine months later, and I won't say that we don't disagree, but we have learned to "agree to disagree" in a civil and yes, even a considerate way. I NEVER thought that would happen. So, if it is at all possible, try to stick with the counselling sessions. They have made the difference between success and failure for the two of us. Good Luck.<P>Success Story (why me)<P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

Annie,<P>There are those who have been through the EXACT same situation that you are now in. Like the others said, it's withdrawal, and it's not *breaking away from the best thing that ever happened to you*...it's distancing yourself from the fantasy that you were involved with, and realizing that this is fantasy, not reality.<P>This is what I've learned from my own, unfortunate affair....<P>It's not how we feel about the OP necessarily, it's about how the OP makes us feel about ourselves. I've been there, I know what you are going through. But let me say this (almost two years now, after the affair ended) I am more in LOVE with my H than I ever could have imagined...and you know why? Because we both realized that we did have something special. You married your H because you obviously loved him, what changed that??<P>Another point that was brought up regarding counseling on this post..what made you so angry? That might help us to help you more.

I guess I am angry because no one tells me what I want to hear. I don't want to accept the idea that what I had with OM was not real. Why wasn't it real? What if we were single and had just broken up? No one would say it was fantasy then, they would just say it didn't work out and I would get over my broken heart. People say it was fantasy because we are both married. I have a hard time believing this. The OM is imbedded in my heart. I go to bed with him on my mind and wake up the same way. I never felt this way about my husband. The only thing I can accept at this point is that what I did was wrong and unfair to my husband...I should have divorced him first before finding someone else. Isn't it possible that my marriage was a mistake too? My thinking is so confused right now that my husband thinks I need psychiatric care. Maybe I do...but I surely feel that at the very least, I need a break from both of them and my husband needs a break from me. Thanks for listening.

Annie,<P>I can understand that. But what makes it different is because you have shared your life with your H, and you haven't gone through those tough times with your OM. The reason it's termed "fantasy" is because of the fact that you have not gone through all the day to day living with the OM. Or did you move out and live with him at some point for a long time? Were there any significant aspects of your H's behavior to lead you to this affair?

AnnieL,<P>We say that your feelings for OM were based on a fantasy because those feelings were cultivated under false pretenses, lies and deceit. Nothing can be real when it is created under those kind of circumstances. We say that your feelings for OM were a fantasy because they were created as a band-aid to your real life. <P>Where is OM now? It sounds like if it were up to you, the two of you would have ended up together. Why didn't that happen? Did the OM break things off with you? Is he married too? Does his W know about you? Are there children involved?<P>I ask all these details because these are the kinds of things that also separate your relationship with him from one that is real.. It isn't a matter of two people simply falling in love. There are too many outside factors that come into play.<P>You say that you never felt this way for your H. How long have you been married, and what did you feel for your H when you did marry him? I'm willing to bet that your feelings for him didn't just die overnight, but was an ongoing process. It might help to use these counseling sessions to reflect on what happened to the love you had for your H. Was it things he did or said along the way that made your love for him die? What made all this resentment build up? <P>AnnieL, we want to help you, but no, chances are you are not going to find anyone on this forum who will say, "go ahead, go to OM." But you will have many people here who've been exactly where you are right now and will give you support and insight to rebuild your marriage and rekindle those lost feelings for your H.<P>We're here for you.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Hold on Annie, you seem to have trouble with the word fantasy. We use it because it's the easy way to define what it resembles. It doesn't mean that you didn't have feelings for your om. The problem is that as in the begining of any relationship things are a bit "fuzzy" . WE tend to see that person in a perfect way, we feel that everything is just the way we have dreamed about, we feel that electric shock when we touch, we see that person trough special glasses ( that happens with any relation, be it an affair or not - how many times have you heard , or maybe it happened to you, about having family trying to open our eyes to this or that in that special person for us, and we don't see it? )A big part of it is chemical, hormones start going crazy then,so we see no faults we just feel.If you are willing to try an exercise think back to the begining of any of your relationships. That perfect feeling should be there. Everything is just right. It's later with day to day living, that comes the debate over the toilet seat up or down, the toothpaste squezzed from the middle and all the real things that we never thought about before.Then we start seing that person we married in a different more real light, but it takes many years ( usually ) together to get there. Ideally, you understand the changes, and still love the person, even after looking at the "not so funny anymore "things, but certain things can create different situations. Work ( specially overwork) life's curve balls, stress, unmet needs, all that creates something like the upset of the scale. And sometimes affairs happen. Now we're starting a new relationship with this person, so we start all over again from the begining.. and usually stop at the "Oh so perfect stage" for various reasons, the affair is discovered, guilt etc. Yes they are real feelings, but just because the circumstances are perfect..And because it doesn't go trough enough time to get to the "toilet seat stage" it stops in the "this is the right person for me". That's why we call it fantasy, it's wonderfull, but if you live with this new person for the same time you lived with your h, you would have time to find as many faults or maybe more as the ones you're finding in you H now. <BR>Now the reason why I personally have a problem with validating your feelings although I acknowledge them , it's because they have the wrong base. They violate - in my opinion - one important rule of life, you are still married. It's possible to have feelings for other person while married,we're just human, but you should be able to figure what to do with them. There are many people that I might be attracted to, and who knows if the circumstances were right ( or wrong in this case) I might even feel tempted to have an affair. The thing is, I am married. I owe to my H and to myself to give my marriage a try and see if whatever our problems are, can be solved. And only then, after a real effort from my part and his( and a real effort sometimes is quite difficult), if it doesn't work, I should end the marriage BEFORE ( not after, that doesn't count ) I think about a relationship with anybody else. <BR>Sometimes however it doesn't work like this, and that;s why we are here. That's also why we use the word fantasy, after going trough all that you're going trough, or similar situations we realise that our marriage did have a chance, and can become stronger even after the affair. Many betrayers that already passed the withdrawl stage, look back and are able to recognize those feelings for what they were, a need for something that was going less than good in the marriage, be it lack of attention or affection, different goals, whatever. The other person fulfills what you are expecting from our spouses but are not receiving as we expect and because of that becomes extremelly important to us.<BR>I understand how difficult this stage can be. How discouraging to be trying and still not feel the same thing for your H that you once did, but as with everything, things take time to reach the breaking point, and have to take time untill they go back again. <BR>ALso think about what madelyn said, it's more about how the op makes us feel, than how we feel about the op. She is so right!<BR>Do think about it.<BR>P.s. please don't take my post as an hostile answer, I'm just trying to help you to think about the whole picture, not just one part of it.<BR>Take care and keep posting<BR>Kat