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Joined: Aug 2000
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Dear Zebrababy,<P>Under your post to Gemini1, you said that you hoped she was comfortable with visitation because it is soooo hard.<P>You have always sounded so confident with your choice that I imagined, as Catnip once said, that you are a more highly evolved lifeform. That was the first hint that I had that maybe what I am feeling about not wanting contact is what everyone else feels but some of you are just able to concentrate on a different aspect. <P>I agree with you completely that accepting the OC into your life would make your H all the more in love with you. And, in the past, I have agonized with others on this board about my feelings of regret that I am unable to take that final step. <P>I am a very devout Catholic and it hurts me not to be able to forgive on that level and soften my heart to the child. Are there times that you regret your decision and if so, how do you stay on the path, remember the mission and overlook the emotional feelings that pop up from time to time?<P>I feel that I have hurt enough and the child would only inflict more. But maybe at the end of the day, a child is a child. I would be able to love an adopted child, so why not the child the is biologically attached to my H?<P>You also said it gets easier with time. I so want to believe that if I did take the plunge and have the child visit that perhaps even if I felt bad in the beginning, there would be some light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Please share some of your wisdom since you seem to have found a way to make it work.<P>Thanks.<BR>- heavenly

Joined: Dec 2000
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heavenly,<P>do you want to chat.... i'll go to the room now and wait for you. if you don't have the link, email me.<P>bossladyn@aol.com<P>natalie<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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heavenly, <P>I guess you are not on line, or are to busy to chat. <P>as for being more highly evolved. i think not! It's purely selfish. I love my husband soooooo deeply. I can't imagine a life without him in my life or in my kids daily lives. I wish I could show you a snapshot of how he is with our kids. they ablsolutely, positively adore him. i could never imagine explaining to them that i couldn't forgive their father and i'm the reason he's not in their lives on a daily basis. i want my children to be god fearing and forgiving adults one day. i am obligated to lead by example. <P>don't get me wrong... if he ever does it again. i will be teaching my children the lesson of "not letting yourself be run over." and hightailing my butt to divorce court. but he is remorseful and i owe our children the benefit of their father. <P>i also accept my participation in the breakdown of our marriage. like i've posted before, i am the traditional "man" in our relationship. i'm the corporate ladder climber, breadwinner, workaholic who comes home and asks... what's for dinner! I have learned sooooo much from this experience that men are just as needy for attention and appreciation as women. they are just unable to express their needs to their spouses. therefore they seek that appreciation outside of the marriage.<P>knowing that and knowing my husbands STRONG passion for parenting his children, I am compelled to accept this child into our lives. <P>I know without a doubt that by asking him to deny his desire to be envolved with his child will eventually cause an irrepairable rift in our marriage/friendship.<P>I do not have love for his child right now. And he knows it. In fact he says he doesn't right now either. He says it's almost as if it's someone else's child. We both know this will develop over time.<P>In fact the other day when she was over H was tending to our two kids and I had the baby in the kitchen. I caught myself talking to her. I said, why did your mother allow you into this world. you would be much happier with a family of your own. I was thinking this in my head, but it came out of my mouth. Thank God she's only eight months. I have to work on keeping my thoughts in my head. I don't wish the child any harm. In fact she looks a lot like me (the OW does too) and the OC has passed for mine at the mall. I can see myself letting go each and every time we have her. Eventually it'll be matter of fact.<P>I've rambled now. sorry.<P>natalie<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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Sorry Natalie,<P>I was still at work when I posted to you and I ran out the door as soon as I finished. I just got home and saw that you were looking for me to chat.<P>I can fully understand what you said about your H. My H is also wonderful with our children. And, he has told me that his desire to see the child was NOT about the OW at all -- simply about the child. <P>But I have recently felt the need to make some sort of compromise for pretty much the reasons that you stated. I have so much love for my H and he has been so wonderful in all other aspects of our life. On that level, I hate to deny him something that means a great deal to him -- even if it is as you said to the OC in your life -- something that should never have happened. (That is so funny - what you said to the baby!)<P>The thing that made me perk up in your post was that I sensed you had agonized with these same feelings and then decided that it was worth the pain that it would cause you. But just like the pain of the situation fades over time, I guess you are right the pain over the OC relationship will also disappear with time.<P>Thank you for giving me more food for thought. I will think very seriously about what I am capable of accepting at this point.<P>I will try to join the chat tomorrow. I think it will be exciting to talk in real time.<P>Thanks for your help.<BR>love<BR>- heavenly

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Do I sense "divine intervention"?<P>Zebra, I will probably be seeking you out on visiting day one.<P>I know it will not be easy on me. H knows too. He said,"You must really love me Debi, and I don't know why"<P>I said that we share a long past. We both proclaim our love for each other. We are now putting each other first in this mess. I would not want to start over w/someone new as I feel it would never be the same. HE SAID he wouldn't ever want someone new and would remain there to help me in any way he could the rest of my life. Sort of like gum on my shoe....ha...ha.... That if I leave he would give me the house and car and "take care" of me the rest of his days because he hurt me so bad ...I'm a good noble woman.....he respects that I never was capable of betrayal and was always trying to help him when I thought he was depressed over work....it was really depression over what he had done to our marriage and I made him feel even more guilty by being so nice.<P>Lot's more too was said.....I just had an awakening over this child thing is all. Why would I leave a man who has done a complete turn around? I also know he has permanently changed his ways. Cheating will never happen again. I would bet on it!<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

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Oh Gem, You know I'll be here for you whenever you need. I may not always have the best advice or greatest wisdom. I leave that to the oldtimers here. LOL <P>I'm so happy for you that you have such faith in your husband and marriage. You sound like such a load has been lifted from your heart and head. It makes us all here on the board feel warm to know you are in a good place in your heart and mind. I think I can speak for everyone... we cheer you on. Go Girl.<P>Heavenly, so have you talked to your H about your thinking about accepting the OC? When you do remember to come to a joint agreement on everything. And once you do. Sleep on the agreement, both of you. And then reexamine it to make sure it's something BOTH of you can live with. My H and I had a joint agreement, but we didn't sleep on it and he later realized that it wasn't in it's entirety working for him. Then we had to make the "addendum".<P>Keep us posted, and I hope to see you both at the chat.<P><P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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