Yes to be rejected by this support group is<BR>very hurtful. Last summer I had some very<BR>helpful responses but I always felt that I<BR>wasnt wanted here. After staying away and<BR>trying to get better myself - I found that<BR>I longed to be a part of this group for the<BR>support. <P>So I try again and guess what - everyone passed<BR>over my post again. I am in Pain, I realize my<BR>situation is different, but I wish I could be<BR>included. Thanks anyway

Dear Fluke,<BR>I am sorry. Yesterday when I read your post, I realized that you were here "before my time" so instead of responding right away I thought I would wait and see what other people wrote to you. I thought I might get to "know" you a little more from reading their responses first. Do you know what I mean? And besides that, everyone here (including myself) has been a little over-sensitive lately, so I wanted to get a better handle on your story before I jumped in so that I didn't say something that might rub you the wrong way.<P>I do know what you are feeling. A lot of people would say that you should just enjoy the fact that ow is leaving you alone and wants nothing from you right now. But I had a year and a half of that myself. Although I was genuinely happy to have ow out of our lives, I was always "waiting for the other shoe to drop." I guess I always knew it wouldn't last. And sure enough, one day in the mail my h got brandnew cs papers. So I know how it is. You almost feel "hunted", like you just can't relax because you never know when ow will strike again, right?<P>Anyway, don't feel too neglected by the lack of response. Some other newbies may have been waiting - like I was - to try and find out more about you before responding.<BR>-cdcollins

I guess because I was a single parent when I met<BR>my H And that we were expecting a baby when we<BR>got married And that he cheated on me before our<BR>wedding somehow means that I deserve what has<BR>happened. I am a classic case of what goes around<BR>comes around. <P>Truly it is as if I am the Plague. <P>I have distanced myself from the few friends that I<BR>had. I wish I could fit in here because there is<BR>no where else to go. I only want what is best for<BR>my family. I dont wish anyone ill will - even the<BR>person who claims to have my H son. I wish she would<BR>have kept her secret to herself but that didnt happen.<BR>I know we all do things that we later look back and<BR>say What was I thinking! It seems that I just dont<BR>belong. <P>Every now and then I would check in and find such<BR>comfort in others responses to those in need.<BR>To know I am not alone was a tremendous help.<BR>But I feel invisible here. You all are such nice<BR>people with heartfelt responses - what have I done<BR>that turns people off? <P>I hope someday that I can be of help to someone here.<BR>

Dear CDCollins,<P>Thank you so much for taking the time to write.<BR>I had posted my second message before I saw you<BR>had responded. <BR>I am so lonely. It helps to know there is someone<BR>who understands. <BR>I have read some of your earlier posts and appreciate<BR>your point of view.<BR>Yes I feel hunted and haunted by this, waiting for <BR>people to find out, waiting for everything to blow<BR>up in our faces, worrying about my children, my<BR>relatives, my friends.<BR>My H keeps saying as long as we are together we can<BR>get thru this. I love him with all my heart. <BR>There are times when I just want to talk to women<BR>about this. Thank you again and I hope to talk<BR>to you soon.<BR>Love, Donna<BR>

Hey, my name is Donna too!<P>Geez, I don't think anybody holds it against you that you weren't married first. Our first son was three months old when my h and I got married. Big deal! the important thing is that you are married now and you love each other and you need help getting through all this junk!<P>I don't think anybody could ever say you "deserved" this. NOBODY deserves to have this happen to them - although I admit to wishing that someday our ow falls deeply in love, gets married, and somebody traps her h the way she did mine.<P>You are not the plague - what happened to you is. <P>As far as other people seeing your h in the child, remember that people see what they want to see. My h's oc looks very much like him. But ow's mother remarked on how she doesn't think oc looks like my h at all. Unless people are looking for a resemblence, I doubt very much that they will find one.<P>Keep writing. I like to talk to anyone who doesn't mind my long-windedness, hahaha!<BR>My email address is cdcollins4ever@altavista.com - just in case you'd rather talk privately. But please give the others a chance too. You have to understand that a lot of times people are too emotionally distraught to answer other people's post right away. I get like that a lot myself.<BR>-cdcollins, the other donna

Dear Fluke,<P>Like cd, I want to apologize for not paying attention to your post. It was certainly not meant to ignore you. In fact, the forum has been pretty slow the last week or so and, as one of the "senior" members (poor me...) I have been trying to check in at least once a day to make sure that newbies were welcomed. But, sometimes, a post or two will slip past me.<P>Please do not feel that we were rejecting you. The board has had a few ups and downs of its own lately and people may have been preoccupied with other issues. Since you have been here before you know that there are a lot of wonderful and caring women and men on this forum.<P>I couldn't agree more with cd, what happened to you is the plague -- certainly you are not the plague. What you are feeling is so normal and we have all been through that feeling of having been run over by a train when we find out about an OC.<P>It turns your life upside down, and even if your H is the most loving person in the world, it makes you doubt everything that you thought was true and good about your marriage and your life. <P>When you need comfort about a particular issue, or even if you just want to say "i'm tired of feeling so horrible" there is bound to be someone here who will understand and who is having the same bad day you are having.<P>Again, I am sorry that you did not feel properly welcomed. But, as I just posted yesterday, in our emotional state we tend to be very sensitive. I hate to see anyone in pain have more pain dumped on them needlessly -- especially by a SUPPORT group?! <P>So sorry.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

Hey sweetie,<BR>I agree with CD and heavenly you are not the plague and you certaintly did not deserve this. The fact of when you got married is irrelevant, what is relevant is that you are married now and you are trying to make it work.<P>Fluke forgive me if I am wrong but it seems that all of your insecurities are getting the best of you. You must know that NOTHING that you feel is ever wrong. What is wrong is secluding yourself and cutting yourself off from the rest of the world. I can understand how zero responses could make you feel bad but don't take that personally at all. You are welcome to this forum and we will help you any way we can. If you wouldn't mind please let us know more about your situation. How long you have been married? when was d-day? is your H being supportive? what is the state of your marriage today? <P>Again fluke welcome and post to your heart's content. No one will intentionally ignore you, we are all here to help each other.<P>God bless<BR>Lena

fluke,<BR>You are not alone. Me and my h were not married when he doinked the ow either. I think doinked was one of gem's words. I miss ya gem!I use to think that I was being punished for living as husband and wife. What I found was that when I came here is to the ow dont look at marriage as we do or a relationship with another person as we do. All they look at is your life and thats what they want to steal and they use any means that they can to try to do it. We got married after I found out that he doinked someone else but before I knew about oc. Sorry I didnt respond to you yesterday I also have been feeling kinda lost. with love flowerseed<BR> <BR>

Fluke, First off, I too, want to say I am sorry that I did not respond to your first post. If I had seen it I would have responded. I was not married when I got pregant with our first child. We were engaged. We waited until after the birth of our first child to get married. Well before we were married when my son was about six months old, my H had a one night stand, and he too has now oc, who is 5 years old. The mother of the oc waited almost three years before going after support. You are not alone and it is suprising how many of our stories are so similar. There is nothing wrong with you, you seem like a sweet and caring person. So what that you were not married when you got pregant. None of these women who have gotten pregant by men that had others in their life cared about marriage. They do not have the same values and morals as we all do. I have knonw for three years about this child, you have only known for months. DO not beat yourself up about the amount of thinking you do on all the issues related to this difficult and sensitive issue in your life. We all do it. I sometimes struggle this the fact that we were not married when he got her preg. If you ever need to talk and you feel funny about posting which you shouldn't we are all here to help each other, you can e-mail me. I have gotten much comfort from all the caring people her so keep coming back and you will see. My e-mail address is abarkandabath@aol.com, if you need to talk just drop me a line. And please keep coming here and reading and posting the road to recovery is difficult, but I have learned that everyone at this forum can really ease the bumps in that road with their kind and caring words. Peace, Gabi1116 or Angel

CD, Heavenly, LeeLee, Flowerseed and Gabi,<P>Thank you. Im the youngest of 6 kids and even tho Im<BR>in my 30's I still battle with whining. I just need to<BR>be able to talk to someone. Each and every person here knows<BR>the horrible feelings. My husband is the absolute best<BR>part of my life and the most horrible part of my life.<BR>Im coming to realize that is not going away. I need to<BR>find peace so I can raise my children and not waste their<BR>life. I wonder how much you have to cry before you are<BR>in need of medication. <P>Im waiting for my oldest son to get off the bus. Luckily<BR>the little ones are sleeping. I want to thank you again<BR>for your words of encouragement. At least Im crying from<BR>good feelings for a change. These computers are amazing.<BR>Ive been filling notebooks full of rage and despair. <BR>They tear my husband up. He tries to help, i know he really<BR>loves me. I know he wishes he could turn back time but<BR>it will never change the facts. It sucks. She lives not<BR>far from us. I get physically sick with the shakes to<BR>think of a dark haired little boy that PROBABLY is my<BR>Husbands child. She never went thru the court, just <BR>thought my H would agree that the one mistake they had<BR>together when he said he pulled out. GUESS NOT! had <BR>produced a baby. She wanted so much a week and when the<BR>child turned 18 she'd tell him who his REAL dad is.<BR>Her H remains with her and they are raising oc together.<BR>His name on BCert. But she told my H he is the father.<BR>WHY would anyone do that? The baby has a "stable"<BR>two parent home. My H never promised her anything.<BR>He did it because she came offering. I want her to<BR>admit that. Not that anything matters anyway. I just<BR>can not believe how these people think they are ENTITLED<BR>to everything just because they got ******. <BR>I asked her why would you run back to a guy(who said<BR>this was a bad idea when he was done)to tell him your<BR>pregnant. She said I thought he had a right to know.<BR>But thats where his rights ended! He said Look Im getting<BR>married in 2 wks have an abortion. She said thats not<BR>an option.<BR>When the baby was 6 mos old she came to his shop for <BR>money. He said get lost my wife is having a difficult<BR>pregnancy this would kill her.<BR>6 mos later she came back and thats when he told me.<BR>That was June 28, 2000. <BR>Here comes the bus so i've got to go. Thank you from<BR>the bottom of my heart for being here.

fluke ,<BR>I dont think our h can ever truely know the kind of torture that this does to us no matter how bad we want them to feel the pain. One thing I have came to realize is my h has his own hell to live with from what he has done and its something I will never know. I can only imagine how it would feel to do to someone you love so much what he has done. I have seen it in my h face at times when our little girl has had to do without because of his stupid mistake. I dont think thats something I would want to ever have to feel. Anyhow that is why I come here to my family here that knows and understands the pain that is in my heart. Glad you made it back! with love flowerseed<P>

Flowerseed, I know exactly what you mean about the pain that you see in your H face. I have seen it in mine. My h has stared visitation a few weeks ago. I asked him how he is feeling when he is with the boy, he said fine, a little weird maybe. I asked him if seeing the boy reminds him of the mistake he made, and how I hope when I see him this will not happen. He said the boy does not bother him it is the sight of the Ow when he piks the boy up. He said she reminds him of the big mistake he made and that what he did he can never take back. She gave him living hell for years before I knew.Ihave seen the pain in his face every time we talk about $ and bills and not having enough, because of this cs. My H has told methat life before I knew about oc was like hell as you mentioned in your post. OUr H have made a terrible mistake and will be paying for it for the rest of their lives in more wasys than one. Well I just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean in your last post.

flowerseed and gabi, let me jump on your bandwagon to let fluke know that our Hs do pay for their crime. They just handle it differently.<P>When I found out my H was sneaking around to see the OC, I asked him how it made him feel. His whole face changed and his words took on a bitter edge when he told me that he feels like the biggest "nothing" in the world when he had to lie to me and then sneak off to spend a few hours in the street with a child he barely knows. His sense of obligation is very strong but he still does not have the same type of "desire" to be with the OC as he has for our children.<P>Sometimes when I would be in deep depression or despair, I would catch him looking at me and the look on his face was one that I will never again. He once said to me that I did not know how it felt to be responsible for the complete destruction of another person, particularly a person you love.<P>They do suffer. But, they are ruled by impulses and foolish fantasies that we cannot understand. Women are up to their eyeballs in reality. We generally handle the household, the bills, maintain the family, make the plans. We work when we are sick, we never get a day off. I think we look at consequences much more than our Hs because we have already learned that every act has a consequence.<P>Through time, through talk, through forgiveness, I have learned to lighten up on my H. Give yourself some time and you most likely will too.<P>But, Fluke, I really feel awful about the fact that the OW apparently shared this news with no apparent motive except to hurt everyone concerned. As you said, with a stable two-parent family, the kindest thing she could have done was to let her child believe her H was his father and to let you and your H live in peace. She must be a particularly bitter and/or vicious person to have shared such a devastating secret when there was absolutely no reason to do it.<P>love<BR>- heavenly

Thank you Flowerseed, Gabi and Heavenly,<P>I know in my heart and can see the pain on my H's face<BR>that he is so sorry. I dont want to punish him any longer.<BR>My mom gave me a little book and in it was this saying:<BR>"Nothing wastes more energy than worrying. The longer<BR>one carries a problem, the Heavier it gets. Don't take<BR>things too seriously. Live a life of serenity, not a <BR>life of regrets."<BR>I truly want to move on. In all other aspects my H is<BR>the kindest, most giving man I know. He is a wonderful<BR>father to my son and to our little ones. <BR>There are so many things I have asked forgivness for, <BR>why am I having such a hard time REALLY forgiving my H.<BR>You see, I feel like I have forgiven him because life<BR>without him is BLEAK. But there are so many times that<BR>I say nasty remarks about this bull****. Everything<BR>reminds me. One day I am empty, except for sadness. <BR>The next day I am in a rage over what has happened.<BR>Then there will be a day or two that I almost feel normal.<BR>It is exhausting. <BR>Heavenly, what you said to lsb about when people make<BR>mistakes they arent thinking of the repercussions, other<BR>wise we wouldnt make so many - reminds me that for the<BR>sake of my marriage I need to show my H compassion.<BR>The important thing is where we are NOW.<BR>My marriage/family is what I have always longed for-<BR>I wont let some stupid, thoughtless tramp ruin the rest<BR>of my life. <BR>If it werent for this site and you wonderful people,<BR>sometimes I think that my heart is going to explode.<BR>Yes I am very disturbed by the OP's reasoning. It scares<BR>me that at any time she can disrupt our lives again.<BR>Before my H told me he had lost 20 lbs, I thought it<BR>was my cooking! When everything came out, he said it was<BR>a tremendous weight lifted off his shoulders. But then<BR>it fell right on me. <BR>We are getting stronger though and it doesnt do me any<BR>good to sit around feeling sorry for myself. In the <BR>beginning there really isnt a choice-its devastating.<BR>But with time (nine mos) I feel we can survive this.<BR>Its hard to believe my kids are still sleeping - this<BR>is the house that doesnt sleep!<BR>Im looking forward to talking to you all more.<BR>Love, <BR>Donna<BR>