Hi Tigger,<P>First let me say Congratulations on your baby girl!<BR>I just wanted you to know that I appreciated your<BR>story. The fact that you are taking full responsibility<BR>and that your H is so loving shows me that some <BR>people do learn. I see that you are dedicated to<BR>doing what is right for your children. I respect your<BR>ability to move on and put things right.<BR>I only wish that the op in our lives would have the<BR>same dignity that you possess. She also was and is<BR>married with kids. They had sex once (right before we<BR>married). I never could understand why she would even<BR>want to include my h when she remained in her marriage.<BR>How could that be healing for her family? It is ALL<BR>about money. I was wondering if you could give me <BR>any insight to how you were feeling when you first found<BR>out you were pregnant and if initially you considered<BR>telling om.<BR>I wish you the best of luck with your family.<BR>Your h is a very special man and I think its<BR>absolutely wonderful that you are overcoming the<BR>obstacles and keeping your family intact.<BR>Take care and hope to hear from you...

Fluke,<P>Well, first I want to thank you for the kind things you said about me and my H, and for the congrats for the birth of Abbi.<P>As for how I/we felt when we first found out I was pregnant, I am ashamed to admit that we did think of abortion first. This is where God's hand was first shown in a major way. I had actually tried to call, thinking it was a clinic. It turned out to be a crisis pregnancy center. Of course, they wouldn't help me in the way I wanted, but I just couldn't hang up on the woman, and actually listened to what she had to say. She talked for about 15 min, with me interjecting very little. We never thought of adoption, cause we had put a child up for adoption 13 years ago when I was just out of highschool, and H was a senior in highschool. I didn't want to go through that emotional roller coaster again! Plus, I didn't want to have to explain to the kids why mommy decided not to keep another baby(we have told them of their older sister). As for telling OM, well, we never want anything to do with him again. My feelings for him are quite apathetic. I used to actually hate him, because of the things he did towards the end of the A, but now the only emotion I have when I think of him is some fear that he will find out about Abbi, and try to contact us or her. He was quite obsessed with me(not trying to sound like I'm all that) and even after I told him that I didn't want to talk to or see him ever again(this was before we knew I was pregnant) he continued to harrass us. I even filed a harrassment charge with the military police! We changed our phone number, and blocked him from our AOL instant messenger. At one point, we had to re-install a lot of stuff on our computer, AIM was one of them, and when my H was online, chatting with a friend, OM pops up, calling me a sl&* and wh*%#. We then changed our AIM name, and haven't heard from him since. We also ran into him before he left, at the base club, and he was saying the same type of things to my H, who just ignored him. One of the guys from my H's work actually took OM outside, and basically read him the riot act about how he was acting. It was pretty comical, cause H and I decided to leave, right before that, and when we walked past, OM looked like a little kid getting a scolding from a HUGE adult!<P>This man does not deserve to know that he has a child by me because of all the things he lied to me about, and especially after showing his true colors on D-day. He was on a medical hold, waiting to be "medically retired" from the military when this all happened. Because of that, he thinks that I screwed him over on what he would have received when he got out. See, he was taken to what is called "Captain's Mast" for assaulting my H and adultery. He blames me, cause he only saw it as the adultery, and continually tried to tell me that he was going to screw me for the adultery as well. Anyway, due to the charges, and me and our neighbor testifying at his Mast "trial", he was knocked down 2 rates, which cut his money about in half that he recieved when he left. So, because of how he had acted prior to that, and after that, I just don't want him around me, my H, or my kids! We will tell the kids, when they are old enough to understand, about Abbi's sperm donor, but we will continue to pray that OM never finds out. We won't imbelish the truth about OM, and if Abbi wants to find him later, we will allow her to, but only after she is 18. I will always stick to my plan of using CS to keep OM away. He thinks money is more important than anything else, so I know if he is confronted with seeing Abbi, and having to pay for the privilage, he will keep his money and stay away. I, like many of you wives with the OW, sometimes wish he would just die. I take full responsiblity for what I have done, and thank God that my H is so willing to claim Abbi as his own. I couldn't ask for anything else.<P>I don't know if this helped you out any, considering my situation is different in the aspect of the OM. I am more than willing to answer any questions, so don't be afraid to ask about anything. If I can, I will try to help you out.<P>Tigger

Hi Tigger,<P>Thanks for your story. Its amazing how our lives take<BR>these turns, you know. I can completely understand why<BR>you chose to keep your baby and focus on your marriage.<BR>I also can completely understand why abortion would cross<BR>your mind. I am pro-choice. I feel everyone has different<BR>reasons, circumstances, abilities and needs to make that<BR>life altering decision taking everything into account.<BR>I have children myself and love them with every ounce of<BR>my being. But even though most people dont believe in<BR>abortion, I certainly wish the op would have had one.<BR>But since she did not I at least wish that she would<BR>have taken the higher road like you have.<BR>I understand why adoption would be so hard considering<BR>everything you've been through.<BR>I guess one question I still have is can you understand<BR>why the op in our situation would tell my H considering<BR>they had sex once when she made herself available and then he said Bad Idea. Then she let 6 mos go by, came back<BR>demanding money. He said first off I dont know who you<BR>were with, and if it is mine then I would have had an abortion. She told me he had a right to know. She wanted<BR>the money but no contact from us. I just dont get why she didnt work on repairing her marriage and leave us alone.<BR>Just as you dont want any contact from om, we wish op<BR>never slinked into our lives.<BR>Thanks again for your input, the kids are getting<BR>restless so Ive gotta go. Look forward to talking more.<BR>Give the baby a hug!

Fluke,<P>Well, I wish I could tell you why your OP has done the things she is doing. The only thing I can think of is she saw how much money she could get from not only your H but her own as well. Sometimes these women have such low self esteem that they will do anything to make themselves feel better. I know that is a small part of why I did what I did. OM was younger, and he paid attention to me. I was just very stupid and needy at the time, and he took advantage. My self esteem is a sore spot for my H, as he is constantly telling me that I am beautiful. I do believe he thinks I am, but still have a hard time thinking that of myself. I have had many people tell me how stupid I am for feeling that way, but I have been that way for almost 20 years, and it is a hard thing to change. I am working on it, and try to take my H's compliments as just that, and not something he thinks he should say because we have been together so long. Maybe this OP just feels so awful about herself that she has to do these things to make herself feel like a better person. I would never say that she is a better person, because she could have done many different things, the least of which would have been to not use your H as a sperm donor. Unfortunately, hind-sight is 20/20, but you can't change the past. I am sorry that I can't help out more with this particular question, as I do pride myself in the way that my H and I have dealt with this situation. I wish I had more insight on it for you, but am glad that I am not in the same catagory as a lot, if not most, of these OW.<P>Tigger

Hi Tigger,<P>I dont expect anyone to know why this op did things<BR>the way she has - I guess Im just looking for answers<BR>where there arent any. I appreciate your truthfullness.<BR>I, too, have always had low self-esteem. Thirty yrs of it.<BR>Believe me, I can understand why someone's attention can<BR>make you feel better - if only for a short time.<BR>I basically told her that I dont blame her for being<BR>attracted to my H. What I blame her for is making herself<BR>available with no questions asked. She hardly knew my<BR>H. I've gone over this with my H to figure out how much<BR>he led her on. He keeps saying it just happened. She went<BR>there for car repairs and started telling him that she<BR>was seperated and dating some other guy. He said but you <BR>still wear your ring? The next time she showed up she<BR>said look no ring! That was all it took, plus the fact<BR>that it was the end of the day, he wasnt busy and had<BR>just found out that I was pregnant and we were talking<BR>marriage. If only she hadnt gotten pregnant, I would<BR>have stayed ignorant. Deep down I knew something happened.<BR>But never did I think this. Its amazing how perceptive our<BR>minds/bodies can be, but we dont listen. I still dont know<BR>if I would have married him, had i known. But i look at<BR>our family today and dont know what i'd do without him.<BR>It feels like a life sentence, even though i have my h i<BR>am still sad. If she lived farther away i think i would<BR>feel safer. Did i mention her aunt/uncle were friends.<BR>So there is a great worry that all this **** will come out<BR>down the line. Thats why i feel like we are living on<BR>borrowed time. <BR>How could cs be MORE important than the health, safety,<BR>and peace of mind for your family? She had ALL the power<BR>to play this out with as much dignity and grace as she<BR>could muster. Instead she looked at it as a way out of<BR>her marriage, thinking my h would just accept it.<BR>When that didnt happen she went away for a year til the<BR>baby was 6 mos. Right before christmas she came back.<BR>Still not getting the right response from my H.<BR>Waited another 6 mos and came back the month the c turned<BR>one. Thats when my h felt he "had" to tell me.<BR>Each day since then has hurt but I did confront her w/<BR>dna papers. I told her it makes me sick to look at her.<BR>She's completely unremorseful. And thats the worst of it,<BR>that she clearly doesnt see the horrible impact this has on<BR>so many innocent people. When I asked her Why didnt you<BR>just raise the baby with your h? She said I want your h<BR>to take responsibility for what he did! She has no <BR>opinion on her own personal responsibility.<BR>Then I read more horror stories about other worse ow and<BR>it makes me sadder. <BR>I am trying to sort through this so i can move on.<BR>Grow through life, not just go through life.<BR>Thanks again Tigger for taking the time to let me know<BR>where youre coming from. One question though, if the om<BR>hadnt acted like such an a** would you have ever considered<BR>telling him even though you planned on staying w/ your<BR>h and raising baby together? What would be the point?<BR>Just as you feel the om doesnt deserve to know about c,<BR>my h and i feel op never deserved to have his child.<P>On a lighter note, hope you are getting some sleep.<BR>Im going on over 2 yrs of sleep deprivation, which<BR>in itself makes you crazy!<P>

Fluke, <P>I doubt that we would have told OM of the child either way. It's in one of the Harley's principles, cut all contact, period. That is a great principle, and if you can follow it, it helps that much more in repairing any damage that has been done to your marriage. That's were so many of these OP have such a hard time respecting the marriage that they almost demolished! They think that they need to have someone pay for this situation, but never themselves. They don't see that they were equally involved in creating this child, and just want the sperm donor to pay for his transgressions! They see themselves as the injured party, but don't see that what they are doing is hurting more people than necessary, just that they are getting what they think they deserve. That's why I cheered so hard when CD posted that their OP's CS was going to be lowered, due to her claiming CS, and the state actually taking her CS out first, leaving a much smaller amount for this OP! If only it worked that way for everyone, but that is the unfairness of your situation, as well as everyone else here. I know that I could milk our OM for all he is worth, but I don't know if he is still married, and I don't want to take from his wife and daughter. Yes, it would be nice to have extra money come in, but I didn't work for it, and don't feel that I deserve it either. We have done fine raising our older S & D, and have looked at the numbers, and can survive the early, expensive years, with the diapers and such, with me staying home. I just hope that when she is older, and we tell her about OM, that she is just happy that she has two parents who love her, and she never has any pull to meet OM. Only time will tell. This is something that I don't think you, or any of us, will ever "get over", but in posting here, we can learn to live and deal with it. <P>In response to your comment about it coming out, a few people in our family know, my parents, my sister, 2 cousins, and an aunt and uncle. They have all been very understanding, and accepting. On my H's side, his parents, both his brothers, and all of his mother's family. Now, the thing with that is, yes, they have been supportive, but we didn't want anyone else to know unless we told them, and my H's mother decided she had the right to tell everyone. In fact, she told my BIL's the day after my H had told his father that he DID NOT want them to say anything to anyone. His mother called his brothers the next day and her words to his oldest brother were, "I didn't promise not to say anything, so I will!" It is now a very sore spot with my H, and he has hardly spoken with his mother since then, and the one time he did, he wasn't very happy. Yes, it is better that they know, but the point was that we wanted to be the ones to tell them, and she took that from us. I am a little peeved about it, but not as much as my H is.<P>Ooops!!! Look at me, I just ran on and on again. I get that way a lot Keep posting, it seems like you are actually getting a lot of stuff off your chest, and I'm glad I can help.<P>Tigger