I was just wondering if this is a by-product of this<BR>mess or that's just how I am. I've been trying to<BR>overcome all the bad images, low self-esteem, and<BR>negative thoughts in my head. <BR>But it seems I take everything to heart. Dont know <BR>how to stop doing that. Truly if I hadnt known about<BR>all the wonderful people who are coping with the<BR>fallout of an oc, I dont know how I would have kept<BR>it together. Ive realized that my marriage is still<BR>worth it, that others have gone through this and come<BR>out on the other side with a deeper meaning of life.<BR>I guess I worry too much about fitting in here.<BR>I get so much from reading advice given to others and<BR>myself. I hope someday to return the favor and console<BR>someone else. <BR>What I want to say and what comes out arent the same.<BR>Its frustrating. Its like theres a block with my emotions.<BR>One minute Im oversensitive, the next nothing.<BR>Thanks for listening.<BR>

fluke,<BR>You are no diffrent then the rest of us. Its been almost 2 yrs this May and I have just started feeling like I'm getting somewhere. You help even if you think you dont. I have gotten something out of each and everyone here in one way or another. Were all just trying to do the best we can in a messed up world. I think the taking everthing to heart is diffently because of what we are going through.with love flowerseed

Thanks Flowerseed.<BR>I can see you all are a family helping each other thru <BR>these ordeals. Some people post alot, others only read -<BR>but im assuming everyone is helped in some way.<BR>Everyone's stories stay with me and I include all in<BR>my prayers. Thanks Again.

I have variable days. Some days I feel almost like my old self-usually a happy, self confident, attractive woman. Two days ago I felt totally dead inside-not even my children, who I delight in, could rouse me from it. I think that is part of the process, unfortunately, but I had an epiphany this week, that I am going to try and be more like my old self, because hating what has happened and wishing it would go away isn't going to change it,and only makes me feel worse and dead inside. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling dead inside, missing the joy of living, raising my kids, even loving my husband. I am trying to do this.Just some days it doesn't work-and I have to accept it. You are no different, we all have our moments.

Isb, you truly are me posting under an assumed identity !<P>You mirror my ways from a little while ago. For me though my mind took a turn for the worse......<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Fluke,<P>It has been 2 yrs this month since my first d-day and I still go back and forth. I am glad I stayed with my H but still have ahard time forgetting an ddealing with everything. I think the timing has a lot to do with it too, bc I have been a little down lately. But I will be back up soon. My H is a wonderful man, just has a prob with alcohol and self-destruction. He needs therapy, but dowsnt see it that way. So therefore I still have the feeling somtimes that if he doesnt find help he will be the 40 year old man driving around in the corvett with highlights in his hair and a tongue ring in his mouth. Oh, an dof course the obligatory 17 year old in the passenger seat. Ho-hum.<P>But it will be allright Fluke..just letting you know we all have our good days and our bad days. He is a really good h now and a wonderful father, it just bothers me that I do not think it comes natrually for him. I think he struggles with it every day. I need to end this post bc I cant see how this is going to make you feel any better. Sorry.<P>But know that next month things will seem wonderful to me.<P>Love and Prayers<P>broken_wings

gemini1, we do seem similar, do we not? I think we are similar ages,although your son is 21, while I waited till being old to have kids and mine are young. I am 46, how old are you? I hope your husband wakes up and realizes he will lose you if not forsaking contact, or at least having contact with OC the way you can accept. I still cannot accept contact, husband says he will have no contact forever, but today in therapy he said he still hopes one day I may change, but even therapist told him I have been very clear about that and he cannot expect that. He said he knew that. The therapist said the consequence of what he did -the affair and oc-may be for him giving up contact with child to save us. I think that is true for us, I hope he does not become like your husband and 3 months from now think when we heal or whenever I will be open to this. I will not, I Know myself too well. I am thinking of you.

lsb, thanks for sharing your feelings about what<BR>this does to you. I feel the same way. Some days<BR>I feel stronger, then there are days and days that<BR>I feel NO GOOD. I wish not one of us had to feel this<BR>way but hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.<P>Gem, I hope you can heal, but everything is so raw right<BR>now. I dont know how I would have handled knowing while<BR>the op was pregnant-not very well.<BR>I wish there were a way to magically make your pain go<BR>away also. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Broken Wings,<BR>Thanks, you didnt make me feel worse. On the contrary,<BR>knowing there are true blue human beings out there that<BR>totally understand how I feel and why is a tremendous help.<BR>Your description of your H reminded me of mine when I <BR>first met him. He likes the fast cars, and used to drink<BR>But a dui helped him to realize that was going nowhere.<BR>He hasnt drank in over 3 yrs. We dont socalize much but<BR>when we do, he really seems okay with it. <BR>Sometimes I worry that he might "be tempted" by some<BR>stray female again but that would be it for me.<BR>But then I would have thought i could never survive this.<BR>I consider my H attractive and I never would have thought<BR>that he would have even considerd the op "tempting".<BR>It shattered my confidence but he has been faithfully<BR>reassuring me. <BR>I finally got my email working so i can write you.<BR>Thanks again for your encouraging words!<BR>

Isb, I'm 47 ! I thought you were me from your very first post because I felt exact same way and my H felt same as yours.<BR>Mine hopes someday I'll let him bring C here !<BR>I told him C means NOTHING to me! I wish he never said that.<P>I have to say my sadness lies in knowing if I didn't agree for him to see C he'd tell me to leave. He said no matter what that he's sorry but he cannot turn his back on C.<BR>Counselor/priest said he understood H's wishes and couldn't ignore an innocent baby either. I quit going to him 3 weeks ago!<BR>Too late for another counselor as H has mind made up.<P>In spite of it all he insists he loves me and it will work.<BR>Yeah, if I'm in an insane asylum while all that's going to happen, happens.<BR>I'm scared and the person I need comfort from will not listen...he says he understands....but still wants c to "know who bio-dad is".<BR>I think it's pms again...sera-fem is not helping....I feel overwhelming sense of sadness and have been crying a lot like last month when I blew up at H.<BR>He's sick of me throwing the past in his face and wants me to move on with him. If I could do it magically I would....even my best intentions get taken over by "sybill".<P>I'm glad he's away. I hate being w/me.<BR>I've been praying but I feel it's shallow prayers....<BR>I know that God knows how I feel and will take care of his child one way or another.<P>Fluke thankyou for the prayers.<BR>I hope I feel better soon.<BR>I can't take these rainy sad days where nothing helps.<P>I wonder how ow who is preg does it...like nothing is wrong...while me and my son and H are all on some type of meds...she just goes about her business...looking like everythings ok.<BR>I wonder how she faced this pregnancy alone?<BR>I wonder if she feels now it was a mistake?<P>She recently got rid of the car/bedroom she had so I wonder if the car made her sad knowing it's where she did it with a man who doesn't want her?<P>Hey I could be here all day with things I think.<P>See ya later.....<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Debi,<P>I am sure ow are sad and feel like their lives are the pits and for a while I tried to imagine how ow felt and bc I knew all too well what a heart ache feels like I felt sorry for her for a moment. Even thoguht my H was willing to be a father and I was willing to allow him, still her daughter would never have my H full time. my daughter did and I realized that my priority was my daughter, not hers. I was willing to accept the child, with the idea that her c would like ME better and I would forever have a way to drive ow completely crazy! I would be the cool one, the one oc would come to to talk. The one oc would through in ow's face bc I was the one oc could talk to. Revenge, if you will. hehe But alas, ow could not stand the thought of that and moved with no forwarding address. Oh well, I tried.<P>What was my point Debi...Oh I do not remember, but I felt like I could feel your pain coming off my comouter screen and I just wanted to reach out and give you a hug.<P>Oh, and I do not think your feelings are pms, just think they come along with the territory. It is very difficult. I know you all have probably heard it already, but I am reading Surviving An Affair (Harley) and it is really helping me to understand things.<P>Fluke...my H also got a dui...in the ow's car I might add and it doesnt seem to matter. He claims he wasnt really drunk but it was a felony dui in the state of AZ. Yeah, sure you werent really drunk. Anyway, it didnt make a difference at all. I guess whe you have a drinking prob it just doesnt matter. Appartently not to my brainchild of a H. I also feel my H is attractive and very charming and would have no prob doing it again. And since he doesnt see alcohol as a prob, I do worry. I do not think it is something that will happen in the near future, but still I worry. Like I said...I really think it is hard for him to be good...in any way. I was one of those stupid little girls who was always attracted to the "bad boys" and look where that has gotten me. Boy, I am not very positive today either, am I?<P>Wel..... Love and Prayers,<P>broken_wings

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Revenge, if you will<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>broken_wings....I get it! I just cannot tolerate a child in my life who isn't mine....who came only of betrayal....who is not of my body with my husband, but rather the woman he thought was so great he had to have intercourse with her...only to dump her and then to find out the sneaking feel good moments produced another human being and forever change our lives and fill them with sadness. This child is creating nothing but sadness.<BR>I know it's not childs fault but I don't have to raise it I did not give birth to it.<P>I want freedom to run and roam now...I've raised my son and it's my time to enjoy life w/o all the colds...earaches...homework...parent teacher conferences.....packing lunches...reading bedtime stories...going to the little league games...karate lessons...trumpet lessons... well you guys get it....I've paid my dues. Done. No room in my life for ow's C. Sorry...I will never want to do that all over again!<P>Now look who forgot their point!! heh...heh...heh...<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....