i caught my husband a couple of weeks ago in a hotel with a female.he hasnt came home since and only called a few times.he wants me to act like everything is ok and i dont suppose to talk about it.we have 2 small kids that he is not thinking about at all.i have no way of contacting him so it is a waiting game for me.i sit by the phone and hopes he calls.i blame myself and have noone to talk with. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Don't feel like you are without someone to talk to. You have this place- and, surprisingly, a lot of people here understand, or can at least empathize with what you are going through.
Do you want to continue in a relationship with him? Obviously- he is not considering you or the children. Instead of waiting for him to call, focus more energy on your children and try not to give him the satisfaction when/if he does call.
And, prayer always helps too...

Hi Tammy,

Awe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know your feeling terrible right now.
It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself. Your husband has chosen the wrong thing to do, thats for sure!! And there is no
good excuse for it!!!

I think affairs are the hardest thing to handle
besides the death of a person.

Getting a counselor as "asap" would help, if you
can do that.

Please try as hard as you can to stay calm when
he does call. I know you have about a million
questions for him?

I know it must be difficult when you have the
little ones there to tend to at the same time.

Can you take them to a friends or parents to get a "breather" for a few minutes.

Please read all the articles and as many of the threads as you can here, and you will find
much guidance, support and love here at MB.

We are here for you.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

i want to thank you guys who replied.right now i feel so along.he has called once and want to blame everyone but himself.when he dont want to hear something he is ready to hang up.he was suppose to come home wed. but we got into it on the phone because he didnt want to hear what i had to say.i dont know if i suppose to try to call him or let him come around.all i do know is that i feel so empty inside.he makes me feel like i have done something wrong.do i suppose to act hard when i know he is the only man i have ever been with and love.please help with some answers.

Hi Tammy,

Awe!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know your pain. Those of us who have been betrayed by an affair know the depths of the pain. I can't take it away. I wished I could <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . But coming here you can learn so much, and over time can possibly come to recovery from this. Sometimes it takes a long, long, time. I just want you to be aware of that.

As for your husband...He is just trying to justify his reason for doing what he's doing.
There will never be a right excuse. And it's not your fault he has done it. He is in a
"big fog" right now, so don't expect him to be
thinking straight, or offer you any understanding. He's really only caring about himself right now. It's up to you if you call him, but I probably wouldn't because he'll just get mad because you are interupting "his business" right now. If he does call tell him
how you feel, listen to him, and if he gets abusive with his words, keep it short. Or just talk about the children.

If he does call talk about how you feel.

Examples of "I feel" statements...

I feel hurt because...
I feel angry
I feel hurt
I feel alone
I feel betrayed

The "I feel" statements will help you get it out.
In the right way.

I am no "pro" yet with the "I feel" statements either, because I used to be such a "You jerk!" "shut-up!" "You a**hole" "Don't talk to me!" person. No wonder I went through so many relationships in my past, I drove them all away
with my mouth. And of course, emotional needs were only met for so long. I had no clue about "emotional needs" until I came to MB.
I am only a beginner, but it's working so far
so I know it's good stuff. Even though I found
out more about "myself" and "us" today that I am "totally overwhelmed" about, and I don't like, but I have to post more about that later.

It's your and H decision weather he comes home, and if you are going to tolerate that, but
"Plan A" may be a good place to start. Read, read read about "Plan A" and emotional needs right now. And then make the decision.

My sympathies to you and your children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

i want to thank you so much ladysheep for your advice.it is a day to day struggle.i think what is the hardest is that he is the only person i have ever been with.i called him today and he suppose to be coming home tomorrow night.im not sure if i did the right thing but all i do know is that im so empty without him.i feel like such a fool,like he caught me.i cant image him touching me.i dont think i will ever forget what i saw.i know in my heart that he will eventually do it again.he really isn't going to give me a chance to express my hurt and pain.if i keep talking about it he will leave again.what do i suppose to do.all i know is that i love him.

Hi Tammy,

That's so painful. I don't blame you one bit
for not knowing right now if you can ever
let him touch you again, that is a normal
feeling considering what he has done.
I don't think I would either, in fact I don't
think I would unless he got tested for std's,
and know for sure he will never see the OW
again. Because you don't know if he may have caught something from her.

What are his intentions of coming home tomorrow?
Did he tell you on the phone?

Did he tell you he is breaking it off with the
other woman?

"Plan A" is making the joint agreement between you and him to separate from the OW. That is the first thing to talk about. If you think your marriage is worth trying to save and thats what you want to do. I know it must be very difficult to make any decision right now because you are so hurt. Please read all articles on plan A and it will give you some guidance of what to do when he comes home tomorrow night. And you will be a little more prepared for it.

Remember the "I feel" sentences only. Try as
hard as you can to be respectful (even though
he doesn't deserve it at all), with no out-
bursts even if he does the outbursts. His outburst will be anger, toward you, blaming
you. Don't give into believing that. He will
just try to make you think you did something
wrong to make him go do that. Don't feed into
that. He is going to feel guilty enough on his
own. You watch, and his guilt with come out with a lot of anger. See it for what it is, but listen to him. If he gets out of control in front of the children or becomes abusive physically or verbally, you should have a plan
to get him out or you and the children out.

How about telling him instead of coming home,
to meet you at a restaraunt or something where
you two can talk alone without the children around.
Or have the children at a babysitters when he
gets home? Just some thoughts. It will be
difficult to talk with the children around.
Even though he probably wants to see them, right?

What a difficult, aweful position to be in. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. So I'm
sending one anyway, I hope you feel it!!!
(((hugs))).

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

thank you ladysheep for the hug iam going to need it.i dont know what he expects when he gets home.my husband seems to be different from most men.he doesnt feel guilty or any remorse for what he does.i guess he feels he bring home the bacon so i suppose to go along with it.he is so surprise that he got busted and how it happened.it was so out my norm.he was on a business trip and he was only calling when he was on his way to work.i found that odd because he usually calls 24-7.i called the hotel where he was staying and a female answered the phone.i asked for my husband and she said i had the wrong room.i then went online to change passcode to phone and she had called him to warn that i called and left all the information i needed i brought a plane ticket which i would have never done but something was telling me to do this.i am so scared of flying since the sept 11 incident.this was a 7 hour plane ride.i knew the room # so i said i was his sister and they gave me a room right next door.i seen the female come out but not him.i found a screw and flattened the tire i stayed awake and they were leaving around 3am.when he saw me he came after me and the police was called.he told me that he didnt want me anymore and the police escorted me back to the airport because i flattened his tire.i know i sound so nieve but i feel so stupid for still loving him.how do i suppose to get over something like this.if you are wondering i am 30 years old and only been with one man. thanks for everthing tammy ps.you have been a lifesaver ladysheep.

Good Morning Tammy,

Oh no!! That must have been so difficult to see.

He was just so "mad" because he was "found out."

How many business trips does he go on?

You did the right thing flying there, even though it was probably one of the worst sights you have ever saw.

I am concerned about your safety when he gets home tonight. Has he ever been physically abusive to you too?

I would wait to make any decisions right now,
until you talk to him tonight, and see first
how he treats you, before making any decisions.

Please be cautious! Protect yourself and children. And I pray God will protect you
also.

Have you read any of the articles on "plan A"
yet? Or any of the other good articles here
on Marriagebuilders. They will help you come
to a decision also, and give you much guidance.

This is not something you will get over, over
night. It may take a long, long, time. Getting
into counseling right away would help you.
An anti-depressent may help too. Because at
this time depression can come, and be very
difficult also. I take an anti-depressant,
called Celexa, it helps alot.

I am thinking of you, and praying for you
also.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Oh how awful! You may want to post your story in the "Just Found Out" or "Emotional Needs" section, there's alot more people there and you should be able to get some valuable input from people who have experienced and survived this. Not that LadySheep isn't giving you good advise!

Have you read through this website? Do you understand PlanA? You should probably read the book Surviving an Affair. Why do you blame yourself? You are not to blame. You must have had a part in the demise of your marriage, but the decision to have an affair was his, not yours'. Do you understand what your part in all of this was?

When you talk/see him, try to remember not to attack him (diffucult, I know). Do not lower yourself into arguing about the details or demanding answers. I would suggest not even discussing the affair (at this point in time). State that you love him and that your marriage and family are a priority to you. Discuss what can be done to improve things, not destruct things. Tell him what you need from him. Let him know that you have boundaries, that you expect to be treated with respect.

The first time(s) you have contact with him, you probably won't get very far. But keep your cool. Don't let him think your a demanding, controlling, raving lunatic. That will drive him away. Let him see that he shouldn't be afraid to come to you. You want him to see you as someone good to be around.

I wish you peace!!