My wife caught me looking at porn and chatting on the internet. I don't have any excuses and I said that I was really sorry and that it was not going to happen ever again but she is really mad at me and I don't know what is going to happen with our marriage. I love her and I want to stay together.
I really want to save our marriage and I already have an appointment with a counselor. Is there anyone willing to give me advise?

maxito,
I have not ever caught my husband with porn, but if I did I would feel the same as if he hopped in bed with another woman.
I f you are really sorry, be sure and show her this by never doing it again. It could be very easy to repeat this as the computer is right in your home.
You were viewing other women in a way that is total betrayal to your wife. Nude,sexually. Before the last century, this stuff was barely around, only in true art forms and was not available until the printing press was invented.This happened to my girlfriend. She and her husband eventually divorced. The porn did not directly cause the break-up, but it began the lack of trust and respect that lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
Your wife probably will wonder what you are thinking during lovemaking if she can bring herself to bond with you this way. She will wonder about the women that you come into contact with. She may be a 10, but now may feel unattractive to you, as though you are not satisfied with her body.
If I were your wife, I would need to know that you fully understood how you hurt me and our relationship. She needs to hear it from you and be reassured constantly. She needs to see how sorrowful you are for doing this. She needs you to be repentful and consistant without any setbacks for a long time. And no excuses for the porn-true repentance.
She may be able to forgive you, but you need her to trust you and respect you and know that you have your marriages best interest as #1. This will only happen if you prove to her that you will not fail her in this area again. Let her know that you are in this marriage forever and you will do whatever it takes as long as it takes.
Many men think that porn is not damaging. You have found out how wrong they are. It's like being a peeping-Tom if you think about it. It can't be good for the mind to watch stangers have sex. Let your wife know that you will exercise common 'marriage' sense in the future and be faithful to her in every area of your marriage.For a marriage to flourish, a wife needs to feel that her husband loves her and finds her so beautiful, even with flaws, that she KNOWS she is absolutely precsious to him.

I don't know if this helps you. I'm a woman and this is what I would need from my husband if this happened to me.Follow the bibles advice on being a husband.God created marriage and he knows how it works best.
Good luck!

ezra.
Thanks a lot for your advise. I do understand that porn is really bad for the relationship and I will make sure that it's not going to happen again. I hope having a counselor will help me and my relationship.

purelife ministries

take you and your wife and go here and see what is available in your area I heard there are some great meetings for men..now.

please check it out..this also has articles on mafia and porn..
and child porn..and who takes care of the children

this is even epidemic in the ministers..so you will see your lucky she did catch..you.

I hope your sorry for it..looking at it..

most men are sorry..but sorry they got caught..
please don't look at the garbage,
why look at that stuff..you got a filet mingon at home..your own..love..geee..

she feels betrayed and humiliated, disrespected and temorarily out of order... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

did nothing for her except made her feel she was not good enough for you..

why were you looking what made you WANT to just curious..were you getting bombarded with e-mails??
or what?
sorry hope things will be ok..for you and her...God bless...good luck I am glad I am not in your shoes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

oops - wrong thread...

This is a really dicey subject... personally porn doesnt bother me and I dont mind Hubby watching porn.. as long as it is not some weird stuff, but if your wife obviously does not feel she can tolerate this hobbey you must do everything you can to stop this and reassure her that it is she that you want and not some "10" It is hard for woman to understand men wanting to look at naked pictures of other women when they have someone as wonderful as "US" at their beck and call... Keep reassuring your wife of your love and dont lie and go behind her back. Be completly honest and make sure you clean your computer thourghly so she does not come accross anymore suprises.
Good luck

chatting on the internet isn't a sin. looking at porn
isn't a good thing to let your wife catch you doing, but it isn't so bad. surely, she's not talking about a divorce just because you did these two things. i don't know what your reasons are for chatting but i'm assuming you was chatting with another lady and possible trying to meet her or maybe having some dirty talk. still, this is not grounds for a divorce. you didn't actually cheat on your wife, but it seems that you might. have a serious and honest talk with your wife and let her know that it will not happen again. if you really care about your wife and she wants you to stop, then you will respect her wishes.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife caught me looking at porn and chatting on the internet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also don't know what you were chatting about on the internet or with whom. I chat a lot because I like talking and well my husband thinks sometimes I jabber to much. lol I also don't mind him chatting but I did have a problem one time back when we got married somewhere in a year of the marriage.

I found out that he was chatting with a woman and talking about sex and telling her she could use a good back rub and such like that. Never once mentioning he was married also. Well I became infurious. First off, he never gives me back rubs even when I ask so why the hell would he do it to someone else. Second his excuse was he wanted to learn what I would want sexually. Whoa! Oh no he didn't! I told him "how does she know what I want?" I told him that wasn't an excuse and I wasn't going to accept that at all. Only I know what I want and to come to me and talk about it not someone else. I had been expressing what I want now for the past five years very openly and still to this day can't get anything. lol But the point is he shouldn't have talk to her about sex at all. Third he didn't even mention he was married. I always say I am married and happily at that. We may have small little bumps here and there but we don't argue at all. Also to mention my husband and I met online and besides this one situation marriage has been pretty good besides a couple of minor things.

To this day after finding a few things and bringing them up I have not found any proof that he chats anymore. I didn't want that to happen but if he thought he would talk like that to people maybe he felt it best not to do it at all. But then again maybe he still is and I just haven't found out about it yet.

Give her the attention that you are giving to the other chatters and porn. And by all means compliment how beautiful she is. We all need that.

umm ,, my husband and i were together for 1 1/2 before we said we watch one together and he said he never would watch it with out me so we rented some watch 10 min or so then we got caught up in the action ourselfs well he told me all the thing i wanted to here so then he told me he would never watch them with out me he promised but then i cought the movie miss placed not in the right spot and he got cuaght watching it so i was so mad cuase that night he told me he would never watch one with out me and he promised ..well let me tell you i was pissed and i told him if he ever did it agian i would leave, basicaly i lost my trust ....well about 6 months went past and i got the dish bill and it was out ragious and it had 2 porn movie order on it ,i was like whats this , he didnt even say anything ,then i said hello are you looking there's 2 porn channels on the bill how did they get there ..knowing that i was 6 m pregn..i was yelling at him .. and he said i dont know they must of billed the wrong people iam like fine ,iam calling them up and telling them it was a mistake and he just sat on the couch ..so i said watch me so i got up ..so then he tells me yes it was me i said what?you lied agian over and over and you know how this make me feel, i said it hurt that you have to hide this from me and that you lied to my face and sware on the kids life and then lieing to me once agian i said if you want them if you wanna fu#k them go ahead cuase i was leaving he got on his knees and beged me and the kids that he was sorry and he would never do that again and said he didnt watch them thats why there was 2 of them he said there was one he started to watch when i was working 6 m preg..he said like 5 min then he had to turn it off cuase he new it was wrong and he couldnt do it then he said he order the other one cause he tryed it again but couldnt bring him self to it.. but come on common sense ....you know, i was like what ever i can not trust you but any how iam still with him married to him and he has not done it sense 4 yr ago ..but i know how it feel's it hurt so bad that the man thats soupose to love you has to turn to that like you aint good enough for him ..yes it hurt to this day i stil do not have that much trust <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> in to him but it slowly comming back ....slowly but i still will never forget those days ......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well let me tell you i was pissed and i told him if he ever did it agian i would leave, basicaly i lost my trust </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand that he promised that he wouldn't do it without you but think about it before you get so upset you make threats as in leaving.

Men are visual and whos to say he was watching the tape seeing what was going on there and imagining how you two went at it during watching it.

I would rather my man sit there and watch a video and take care of business then feel he needed to go out and find another woman to satisfy an urge to have sex because you weren't there or because you might not have felt like it.

I brought videos into my marriage and will watch them occasionally but not often since women are more in need of touch and affection when it comes to sex. But if I need a little something well I am going to take care of things myself one way or another. If it means popping in a video so be it. I didn't go out and cheat on him physically with anyone and our marriage is good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> about 6 months went past and i got the dish bill and it was out ragious and it had 2 porn movie order on it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok this one I would be very upset about because it is not cheap when you order them on the TV.

I was upset with my ex for using phone sex lines and ran our bill up to over $300. Why was I upset over this when I am not over videos? Two reasons. #1 Videos are just that, phone is a live person that you are actually communicating with. #2 He was taking money away from the family for something that could have been handled just as well with a video or asking me to do or say the things he needed. I mean over $300 who wouldn't be upset on that one.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> so then he tells me yes it was me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know you were upset but think about this. When you have done something wrong and someone instantly jumps your a$$ because you were caught do you instantly say yes you did it? Most of the time maybe yes but when it comes to something like this I think you made him feel ashamed for doing what he did and he was like a child trying to hide the fact that he pee'd his bed. Next time try talking calmly about it and you won't feel betrayed and feel like he was hiding something because he felt he needed to lie.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> knowing that i was 6 m pregn </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh girl I feel for you there. Being pregnant with hormones going nuts and your body changing I am sure you were feeling also that he didn't feel attracted to you as much as he might have seemed to the women on the videos. I also know that being pregnant can sometimes make it where you just don't want to have sex.

Ok with saying all this I don't say that this is totally ok to do. We are human, we make mistakes and we should be able to control urges but most of the time people don't. And if you can't control the urge to satisfy yourself sexually popping in a video of people that he will never meet and can't touch is nothing compared to him needing to have an affair to fulill his urges.

I almost feel the same way about porn online. But again with porn online its too easy to look at porn get all hot and bothered and easily begin chatting with someone meeting up easily and boom you have an affair. So videos no biggie to me, phone sex they better not and porn on the internet another no no.

man oh man
i dont even want to even bring the memories back
i rathier leave them in the past and try to move foward we are christians now he wont ever do it agian cuase of that but to think he had to go to that for pleasure like he couldnt get it from me he say iam to much for him he can have me any time ,but it just wrong in both are eyes now ..so i guess i go from here .....oh ya it just maily hurt cuase he lied about the whole thing and when i get pissed at it ohhh baby do i.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> dont be lieing to this mamma i get ya ......lol ...well thanks for the comment ann....

I watch porn with my husband.

I don't have any problems letting him read magazines or whatever on his own. Sexual things are natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

I find men other than my husband to be physically attractive, and I understand that doesn't mean I'm in love with these men or my feelings for my husband are in any way less than they would be otherwise. And it doesn't mean anything horrible if he looks at attractive women naked or couples having sex in videos/images.

I'm sorry your wife feels that way, she's missing out on something that could spark a great sex life for the two of you.

all i have to say is it wrong to lust over anouther women ....

It is so interesting to read about people's varying reactions to this topic. I've gone back and forth on it myself, but have never felt so threatened by it as some people here.
For me, I don't want my man looking at porn while I'm a few feet away doing something else, but if I'm not there to take care of him, I don't see the problem. Perhaps, this comes from the trust we have for each other. We both respect each other very much, but to tell you the truth, if I told him to never look at porn again, I wouldn't expect he'd follow through. I try not to ask or demand things that he may ultimately resent me for...I'd rather find ways to let him do the things he wants with optimal results for me. For porn, that may mean that I'm included or I get to pick the content.
I don't feel that it is realistic to deprive someone of something they really want. As far as I'm concerned, all guys look at porn whether single, coupled, married, divorced...whatever. It's there, it's easy to access (esp. with the Internet!!!) and well, it's not worth my energy to be angry about it or try to prevent it. I'm not a subservient personality...I'm very outgoing and honest (and sometimes pretty aggressive), but this is an issue that I'm just going to let him have on a pretty platter with understood boundaries. We decide those boundaries together.

Men are going to look at women (on the street, in a bar, at restaurants, in the gym, on t.v., on the Internet, etc.). It's instinctive. I think women who demand that their BFs or Hs deny that instinct are not only fooling themselves, but ultimately forcing him to be dishonest with you and/or himself.
I can't think of a good comparison for us women if the tables were flipped...maybe there isn't one and that is why we have such a difficult time understanding and dealing with this issue.
Any thoughts on this side of things?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As far as I'm concerned, all guys look at porn whether single, coupled, married, divorced...whatever.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is because men are sexually stimulated visually. It's a biological fact.

Many women here view it through the mind of a woman. "How do I not measure up to the women in these movies/magazines". "What do they have that I don't?"

Sorry, ladies, men are NOT comparing you when they look at pornography. It has nothing to do with emotions for men.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sexual gratification through images.

If they were to go out and have an affair, yes, that is wrong. But being sexually stimulated by a photograph isn't.

Most women that are against it have looked at a photograph (not necessarily pornographic) or image of men other than their husband and thought them attractive or sexually appealing, so it's a tad hypocritical.

I know plenty of women that think Keanu Reeves is the hottest man since sliced bread, but if their husband is interested in Pamela Anderson, they raise holy hell.

My husband was watching porn on TV and it has made him feel inadequate because of the "size" of the men. LOL I find it a bit stimulating myself but I feel sorry for the young women who do this. It seems degrading and I think many of them must be forced into this. I think it is more fun to make our own movies and photos.

Well my husband and I had a collection of porn. We both enjoyed watching the movies together. It probably would bother me though if he was chatting with someone. That's more intimate. But bottom line is if it bothers her either she might feel insecure or just flat out dosn't like it so maybe you should just stay away from it. I don't know if you've ever had a discussion about why you do it explain that you have no desire to cheat (right??) It might make her feel better.....Just a guess because I can't relate to her. I've caught my hubby watching it and it didn't bother me in the least. I found pleasure in it. Hope I helped

Maxito,
Your situation is so similar to mine right now I had to go and see when you posted this. I just found my h chatting on Married But Looking. I also found some porn images of women in a folder hiding in our comp.

Anything that you do in secret and can't talk to your wife about is wrong. I am not a prude, and I don't try to put all these restraints on him, but he lies to me and hides things from me like this.

Porn is wrong when it has to be hidden, they don't include you in it, or they choose to look at other naked women and not sexually fullfill thier wives. I don't think that there are a whole bunch of women walking around hating porn. Not understanding that men will do things like this at times, thier men have made it a problem for them. Something has become a threat and it has little to do with a woman who is in a pic that he will most likely never meet.

It's very hard to understand this ladies if you haven't been through the exact situation. It's also equally insulting to be judged by other women who think "What's the big deal?". I used to watch porn with my h in the beginning, I didn't see pornagraphic images as threatening, but he lied to be about them, hid his activities ect...If a man is showing his wife the same kind of love and respect, and he shows her that she is absolutely number 1, then maybe she might have your opinion. In my case tho, he didn't show me I was number one, he chose to continue his habit even tho he knew it hurt us. It's a total lack of respect, and it should be a no brainer to treat your wife like she's attractive and sexually stimulating.

Men rarely have to deal with these type of problems. This world through the internet and movie industry is geared toward men. You can't watch a movie anymore without a womans breasts being flashed across the screen. Men as vulnerable as they are bout thier members, how would they feel if we were shown other males all the time? This males member was huge, his body was toned ect...

I think what you need to do is apologize to your wife and mean it. Don't keep repeating this behavior, she will eventually lose faith in you and depending on how many times you fall it may be forever. My h has done this to me literally hundreds of time and after 12 yrs of marriage, the floor is falling out from under us. People do divorce over situations like this, you have your chance, don't fall back into this pattern. This is your clean slate, do the best you can with it and always keep your wife in your heart, with love and respect in mind.
Take Care

i think if you rad TONI29's post and Aeryns post and think about what both of them ar saying you will undertand the ralproblem you have.

most women do not understand porn the way that men do....they see it completely differently...and often ARE threatened by it....and you need to try understand that and understand why......and validate her feelings about it........surely, if you can put yourslf in her shoes you will better understand what dhe i really feeling.
you also need to BE HONEST nd try to explain to her what exactly you get out of it.....but, be careful...she is not going to understand it unless you are honest and reveal your true feelings and your own inscurities.....then maybe she will be able to "walk in your shoes" and validate your feelings too.

it is a very touchy subject.