throughout the decades of my life.
In my 20s, I met H, he and I both had been engaged to others but been betrayed by unfaithfulness. Deeply in love, we promised we would always be true. We married.
In my 30s, we had our daughters, 2 beautiful girls, to whom he was devoted, a loving father, a wonderful husband. the world was ours as we continued to build our future through our jobs and private investments.
In my 40s, i had my 3rd and final miscarriage and we set aside our dream of a large family, celebrated the one we had, overcame a near bankruptcy from a business failure, regained a job held before the birth of DD #1. Life was good, after all, we had each other, the most important gift in life.
In my 50s, i suffered a near fatal auto accident, two major surgeries, intense pain, massive rehab, poor prognoses. Many days were spent in bed, screaming in pain if the top sheet touched me, unable to do the smallest chore, i pushed myself to walk, bent over a cane like an old crone...my beauty hidden behind a hag mask of agony. H had enough, he started an A.
today i am 60. i now walk w/o my cane. my pain is under control. i've rehabbed myself back to normal. my weight is normal. doctors marvel at my willpower that made me return to myself. they don't know what drove me there...they don't know it was the sight of my H walking out the door, leaving me alone, to be with her. they don't know it was the names he called me, the proverbial knives he sunk into my heart with his ugly looks.
so it's my birthday and i'm 60...and what will this decade bring.
despite his NC and 10 mos away from her and his declarations of regret remorse guilt etc etc etc...i don't know that i can say at the conclusion of this decade that if we are still alive, we will be together. i don't know that i can find that forgiveness in my heart. i've agonized over his love for me, suddenly i agonize over MY love for him and question it's viability.
as i said....it's my 60th birthday, and these are thoughts throughout the decades.
Simmy
<small>[ July 17, 2003, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Simmy ]</small>
