hello guys,<P>the court thing went okay. H went alone. i can't get off work. the OW was there, and brought 2 of her mouthy friends and her mother with her. so i am glad i wasn't there, he said they were being royal wenches. the support per month will be $465 and the back is like $150 a month. she only filed for support in april of 2000 and we only owe the state $1500. so i don't know how they came up with <B>$20,000</B> of back support. i just can't figure it out. unless it is for her medical costs for the pregnancy and child birth, then the one year since the filing of the paperwork. the lawyer told my H that i can call him and talk to him with any questions.<P>she was a total wench. the lawyer said that no wonder he doesn't want to see the child, if it meant there would be any contact with the OW. the lawyer and her and my H were talking about coming to a deal with upfront money for the back support. she told my H, if you ask me nicely i might accept a lower amount. what she wants is for him to go spend time with the little girl, and talk to her (OW). and for him to get down on his knees basically and beg her to reduce the back amount. she wants to play games. when her and her clan were walking away, she said, "remember that i still love you, and i always will, don't forget that". she is a psycho. my H never lied to her, it was a couple of quickies they had, she knew me and that he was married. they were friends before he met me, and had gone out a couple of times, but hadn't even had sex at that time. then he met me and it ended with them. which is why she hates me and feels like he chose me over her, etc. she is a weirdo.<P>the lawyer says we should play her game. says see the child once or twice and get her to sign for a lower amount for the back support. then stop seeing her. as long as the agreement doesn't state that he will see her, etc. i say lets work our butts off and pay the back support off as quick as we can, in 5 years or so. then get on with it. she is playing a game, and i don't want to play. the child is not a pawn.<P>anyway, it is over now. once we decide whether to negotiate or not, it will really be over. she is lying about the amount of child care she pays, didn't even show receipts. but it is only $280 a month and could be worse. my H gets paid cash under the table sometimes so it evens it out.<P>thanks for the prayers. my H got home frazzled and pissed. he said it was so hard not to say anything to her ridiculous comments like "how much is a child worth?" "how much is the suffering i dealt with during the pregnancy worth?" etc. and her mother and friends yelling at him. he has a bit of a temper and i am shocked he made it through it. i am sure it was your prayers that helped.<P>any ideas on what we should do?? i don't know how fast we could pay back the support, but i am sure we could do it in 5 years. his brother would help us and then we would owe him. he said it is her friends that want the money. they were the backbone behind her filing. the lawyer even asked her why she was involved since she is not related. she said she had been thru this before and wanted to be of help to her friend. <P>the lawyer also asked my H why that girl hated him so much (the friend) he said it is like she loves you so much she hates you. i think she is just a man hater. none of them have boyfriends, they live together with their kids with no dads. he told him that he barely knew her, and wanted to ask the OW himself why her friend hates him when he did nothing to her. he said he didn't say anything except when her friend was saying he should make more money. he told her "how much do you think i should be making?" and her friend say "enough". <P>well, any suggestions on this negotiating thing? should we just leave it like it is and get on with life? or try to settle with her? <P>thanks!<P>happy_girl

Aw geezzz Happy Girl... I am glad you H didn't explode. I think I would have. What a nasty bunch of folks. I am really thinking about how I would handle this. <P>One of my first inclinations towards folks who only wnat money is to jump back at them with the "thing" they are holding as pawn. In this case, the child. I would want custody and tell OW that I will be spending time with OC. <P>But I also know that a child is not a pawn in a game. So like you.. I would most likely take the high road and try to just pay the debt off and move on. Perhaps an offer to put "xx" amount of dollars into a fund for childs college as opposed to paying off OW money she is supposedly "out of pocket". I am sure she is most likely into the cash in hand as opposed to the long term interest of her child. But who knows.... she may go for it. <P>I would challenge to $20k. That is just unreal. make them pull out everything on that one. Even if it was medical costs, I would fight it. I am just onery tonight I guess. <P>Hang in there girl! You have a good man. That is one in a million. I would gladly pay the money if I thought our OW would go away & my H would be the man my boys and I deserve. Take care... Carolyn <BR>

carolyn,<P>you know, i just don't know if i have the strength to fight the back support amount. i really think we should just move on and pay it back as quickly as we possibly can. we could pay it off in 5 years if we really tried to. if we devoted all our extra money to save and then pay a big payment every once in a while, it would be like a car loan. my H is thinking about what he wants to do. he is on his way back to las vegas as i type this. i snuck a lovey dovey card in his bags so he will find it. just to remind him i love him, and am behind him in this. i am so proud of him today. he acted like the wonderful man he is, and she proved she is trash. <P>thanks for your encouragement!! i need it! and believe me i know what a great man my H is. i wish you all the happiness too with your boys. they are lucky to have you as their mom!<P>love, happy_girl

I know how tired you can get. Sometimes it just feels like some sort of prison sentence. You just want to go & get it over with, not that it will be a pleasure by any means. <P>Keep breathing. He will be home soon. You guys will be ok.

how in the world do they come up with 20,000$? that is cRaZy! <P>Jeez, happy!! Wow! I am sorry, that just came as such a shock to me.<P>I have to sit on this one for a few, but I am glad you H proved he was the one with class.<P>Love and Lots of Prayers<P>bw

carolyn~ it is a prison sentence, with no parole. but at least we are sure of the release date! hg<P>b_w~ it shocked me too. i could not believe it. let me know if you have any ideas..... hg

don't even worry about that money. because money can't buy what you've got with your H. If your marriage is anything like mine, this whole fiasco saved my marriage. I couldn't pay a million dollars for what we have now. And I know, like mine, yours will keep getting better.<P>cyber hug to you HG,<P>------------------<BR>Zebra Baby ...<P>Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

thanks zebrababy, i think you are right about the money. now to convince H... i totally agree with you that this saved our marriage. we would have never made it had he not had the affair. sad to say, but it is true. it shocked us into reality. thanks for reinforcing my thoughts on the money. i say we get on with life...<P>happy_girl

moving on up

i talked to the lawyer today and he explained why the back support amount is $20,000. he said basically that the filing date only deals with couples that were married or living together because usually that means the father was contributing to the child's upbringing. if the father was not involved and it is a paternity case, the mother gets money back to the birth of the child, and pregnancy/birthing expenses if she asks for them. so they applied the current support rate back to the child's birth which was in october of 1997. <P>he said that we actually could have had it worse. my H made more money the past 2 years and they could have taken each year as a separate monthly rate and that would have pushed it to up around $30-35,000. so we were lucky that he convinced the states attorneys to only do it at the rate of the current support. <P>the amount we are paying on arrearages per month is $166, so that brings the total to around $611 or so. we get the actual papers in a couple of weeks. that will take us who knows how long at 10% interest. money is not my thing so i haven't figured it out. so he wants to bargain with her on the arrears, give her a cash settlement. so we are waiting to work on that. i am not sure i want to do that, but lawyer says that it will get them cleared off the books if we come to an agreement. he would draw up the papers and we would give her the amount agreed upon and then we would no longer owe arrears. <P>i just don't know for sure what to do. he said to give her a couple of weeks to see the money begin to come in, and then he can talk to her, etc.<P>what should we do?? please anyone, some advice??<P>thanks.<P>happy_girl

Happy Girl:<P>It's all about money, isn't it? That is all the OW wants when she can't get the man.<P>With the courts rewarding these opportunists for their behavior and alotting them the same kind of money a wife of many years would get, they continue to perpetuate the injustice that Bystander has been fighting for and studying about for years.<P>Happy, I know you do not feel you have the strength to fight this but a few letters to congressmen and state reps may not initially reduce the obscene amount they are stealing from you and your husband, but it can start the ball rolling.<P>cd and I discussed here a few weeks ago that in May we would all write letters together on this site and send them all at the same time to our state reps for hopefully, added impact. cd is going to compose a letter for all of us to use as a guideline to edit according to our own situations and post it here. I know it doesn't help you much right now, and after everything I have been through these past two years, I am not exactly the poster child for justice in our legal system, but we have to all fight this on some level, even if it is just a few letters to some key people in government.<P>Stay strong, HG.<P>Catnip =^^=

Geeze HappyGirl we still have all that good stuff coming our way...gotta fasten my seatbelt.<P>Glad your's is over. Well...you know what I mean.<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Happy girl,<P>Well you know this my bone to pick area, I hate the money crap. I think that is bull about that fact that they go back. They didn't go back in our case, so I don't see how that can be a set law, but who knows. If you can find a way I would try to pay her off a set amount, if it is really going to be a cut. After all she might want a car or something now, and could give in. I would talk to the banks and see if you had to what amount you could get on a personal loan. I am sure the interest rate would be lower than 10%!! I hate when people like lawyers say you are lucky that it wasn't $35,000. I mean when you don't have the money does it really matter if it is 25,000 or a million, you still don't have the money. Sorry I am rambling. <P>Check into the banks, and see what effect this has at the end of the year of anything. Also will this effect financial aid for your classes if you get a loan. I am praying for you! Only couple more hurdles and then you can concentrate on your school, your husband, and your life.<P>babstr.

happy,<BR>Sorry for this that was something I wouldnt have expected. I have heard of bitter b***** doing this. Lets all pray she will agree to a settlement. UGH this has got to be hard. with love flowerseed