I guess my ?'s are for all of you of where do we go knowas far as Om and W goes. At this point I am VERY angry that I fell his W is dismissing his actions as he's a man. I have found out over the course of this weekend that he has said "I thought we could just forget about it and it would go away. I have never been the type of person to be vendictive or intentionally hurtful, but I am struggling with the the knowledge that he just wants to forget about it. I know as my H has told me that he will raise Hannah and be her father even though she has a father out there does not want anything to do with her. I am struggling with the fact that he is walking free of any reminder of what we have done. I, from talking with my H have found out that this man is suffering from Narisstic(sp)Compulsive Disorder. My H has talked to him on the phone and when Om stated asking for my H compassion and respect it became obvious to my H that he wants to control this situation by playing victim and be deserving of my H forgiveness. I have not even thouught of asking my H forgiveness as I know I am not deserving of it as of now. I am guess my ?'s are what his his W thinking by dismissing his actions. How can she believe that he is a victim. Where do we go from here in regards to establishing child support. At what age and how do we explain to Hannah of how she came to be. Would we have to alter her birth certificate as a result of a court paternity test? How can a man, other than at the wishes of his W truely believe that this would just go awayand we could forget about it. He is not in my postion, raising a child that his not my H and be willing to forgive him b/c we made a chioce that brought a life into this world, yet he is simple allowed to forget she is out there. My H is having a hard time with the fact that she is not biologically his, but she is his daughter, as a result of my dishonesty and lies, allowed him to fall in love with this child and not have a choice. What rights ( or course of action) does the OM have, he knows she is his and unfortunatly can prove it. What is the best way to handle this? My H has written a couple of letters, one to OM supervisor regarding the relationship that happened in a public government building, OM is a government employee, one to OM W regarding our relationship, the same letter to OM and now a letter explaining that OM is simply not going to be able to walk away from his responsiblity. Where do we go from here?

RY:<P>Where you go is to your husband, using the Policy of Joint Agreement to decide EVERYTHING.<P>For example, you're concerned about his wife dismissing her husband's actions. Who cares? It's not ANY of your business. Your struggling with the fact that the OM wants nothing to do with the child. Fine---that's HIS decision.<P>You discuss child support issues. I'd ask you "why" you want child support, if you're willing to rebuild your marriage with your husband, and he's willing to support the child. I'd suggest that you don't pursue anything for a few weeks, until your husband and you can begin to sort things out. After that, the two of you need to make a decision together as to:<P>1. What you will tell the child (secret or not?)<BR>2. Will your husband be willing to support the child, if your marriage leads to divorce?<BR>3. Are you willing to sue for child support?<BR>4. (If yes), Are you willing to have the OM in your life.<P>The OM can sue for paternity rights, if he wants to be involved in this child's life. It's my guess that this isn't his intention.

RY, the advise from K took all the questions & words right out of my mouth. <P>Why would you want CS and why are you concerned over what OM and his W think & do? Why not just move forward with your marriage and family? Why invite potential turmoil into your life by maintaining contact with OM and worrying about his state of mind? <P>Repairing a marriage is a lot of work. Raising kids is a lot of work. You have so much to keep you busy, I wouldn't have time to worry about OM (but that is me... I am easily overwhelmed!). <P>Please take K's advise on POJ with your H. Think about what your intent is with your actions. Is it in the childs best interest? If is is... do it. If it isn't... then please leave it alone. What could this self centered OM possibly do for this child? Take care... Carolyn

Dear regretfully yours,<BR>First congratulations on telling your h. That took a lot of courage, as will everything you do from here on out.<P>I just want to comment on your reaction to the om's wife's behavior. K is right. How she and her h deal with the issues has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is between them. It very well could be that the wife is acting like it doesn't bother her simply because she doesn't think it is any of her business. I am sure that our ow wonders why I have "dismissed" my h's action. The truth is, I haven't. We have worked and struggled to get past his errors. I have gone to marriage counseling and to individual counseling to help work through this nightmare. But will ow ever know of the pain I have regarding this situation? NO. I have a smile on my face every time I see her. I never give her one single glimpse into our relationship. it is between us and has nothing to do with her. She is not a party of my marriage, nor do you have the privelege of knowing what is going on behind the closed doors of om's marriage. You will have to accept that those doors are closed to you forever, and I would suggest that you close the door on om in regards to information about your marriage as well.<P>I would also recommend that you think twice about pursuing child support if your h wants to raise your daughter as his own. If you go after cs, the om may change his mind about participating in the child's life. I know that right now you feel hurt that he has no desire to father the child, but you have to ask yourself if you are willing to share your baby with him and his wife. Will you and your h be able to save your marriage if your youngest child is torn between two households? I would think that would put an awful lot of strain on you both.<P>You seem to want om to "pay" for his mistake. Just make sure that in your quest to hold him responsible isn't going to hurt your child and your marriage.<P>I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>cd

Dear Regretfully Yours,<P>You must be completely exhausted. And your husband as well. I cannot imagine a more stressful weekend. And yet you have, together, already made the decisions that will change the course of your lives.<P>- You have decided to be honest, rather than deceitful.<BR>- You and your husband have decided to nurture your marriage.<BR>- Your husband has decided to continue raising his daughter.<P>The emotional devestation you must each be feeling must be overwhelming. Take time to feel, to simply exist. Don'f hide from your grief. It is natural to be in such a state of turmoil right now. I think that Janet Abraham Springs book "After the Affair" has a wonderful section describing some of the emotions you will each be experiencing now, and for many months to come.<P>About the other family. You have decisions to make, but it seems to me as if you are each driven primarily by strong emotions right now. You need to put the decisions on hold and not contact them, while you work slowly through your emotional turmoil. I have experienced this myself, and can imagine few things more devestating.<P>I know the reasons you give for wanting to make the other man pay. But I think you should acknowledge that something deeper might be at work. Only you will know if my guesses are right. You have been used to confiding in and considering the other man for a long time now. It is hard to stop focusing your attention on him, and so you continue to do so, but perhaps primarily as anger. That anger probably masks some of the love you still feel. And you are probably still very upset that the other man will not be part of your daughter's life. You imagined him in that role, and for a time your love for him was so great that you must have thought he would be a terrific father to her. Love can blind us. Your daughter will suffer no loss if he is out of your lives forever. I would suspect that it is hard for you to endure having someone you loved so much deny his own connection to this child. Try to step back, and realize that most of your judgements about the other man and about your husband were likely to be distorted by the turbulent and intense emotions you felt during the affair. You will need to slowly re-examine all of your beliefs about the people around you, since you have deceived yourself as much as you have your husband.<P>And your husband is furious. He is acting with a great sense of responsibility and love. But his anger comes through in your post, and he is directing it at the other man. There are a few dangers that I see. (I have been in his position). First, he will need, eventually, to understand that that anger should primarily be directed at you, and to work through it in a healthy manner, one that allows your relationship to heal. The other man is only a convenient distraction. Second, you do not want ties to the other man. (Unless you both agree to them, though I am guessing that nothing would seem more repugnant to you than having him in your lives a few years from now). Your husband should probably stop all the letters. Certainly not pursue child support. Not until you have begun to calm down and work together.<P>I can't speak for either him or for you. I loved my child, and wanted to raise him. And I felt that child support from other man would detract from my relationship with my son. It would make him different from my other children. It would create an ongoing link to a person who almost destroyed my marriage, and to a former friend who betrayed his relationship with me. And it would mean that I would have to explain to my son, when he was older, why all that money was coming in. We certainly could have used the money - he was rich and we are not.<P>But I wanted to be able to say to my son, when he finds out what happened, that I love him just like I do his brothers and sisters, and have loved him from birth. That he has always had a father. And that my relationship with him doesn't involve money or legal arrangements or any form of coercion. I fell in love with him when I first held him in my arms at his birth, and that has always been enough.<P>Please slow down now. You don't really have to do anything expect support each other, and love your children, and feel and work through all of the conflicting emotions you must be experiencing. There will come a time, perhaps, for legal decisions. But not for many, many months.<P>Sincerely,<P>StillTrying

Hi RY,<BR>COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS! I am in the same situation as your H, except I knew the whole story early on and was present at the birth of our daughter. My W never told OM, and by the grace of God, he will never find out he has a beautiful daughter. That is my greatest fear in life. <P>I think you just have to accept the fact that your OM is a serial cheater, and for whatever her reasons, his W chooses to overlook his dalliances. While I have never been "had" sexually, I have been faked out a few times in business dealings, and I KNOW it feels awful. You want revenge! But, the best thing is to just learn from it and resolve to be smarter the next time around.<P>So, if you want your marriage to work...Let OM "forget" about it and concentrate on your family. If, as I suspect, you're still hung up on OM......then I don't think there's much hope for your marriage. Oh, and remember, if his wife didn't leave him over this...she AIN'T going to leave him! You will likely end up without either H or OM. THEN will be time to go after CS...from both of them.<P>Sorry to be so blunt.<P>Best Wishes!<BR>Lou

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Regretfully Yours:<BR><B>I guess my ?'s are for all of you of where do we go knowas far as Om and W goes. At this point I am VERY angry that I fell his W is dismissing his actions as he's a man. I have found out over the course of this weekend that he has said "I thought we could just forget about it and it would go away. I have never been the type of person to be vendictive or intentionally hurtful, but I am struggling with the the knowledge that he just wants to forget about it. I know as my H has told me that he will raise Hannah and be her father even though she has a father out there does not want anything to do with her. I am struggling with the fact that he is walking free of any reminder of what we have done. I, from talking with my H have found out that this man is suffering from Narisstic(sp)Compulsive Disorder. My H has talked to him on the phone and when Om stated asking for my H compassion and respect it became obvious to my H that he wants to control this situation by playing victim and be deserving of my H forgiveness. I have not even thouught of asking my H forgiveness as I know I am not deserving of it as of now. I am guess my ?'s are what his his W thinking by dismissing his actions. How can she believe that he is a victim. Where do we go from here in regards to establishing child support. At what age and how do we explain to Hannah of how she came to be. Would we have to alter her birth certificate as a result of a court paternity test? How can a man, other than at the wishes of his W truely believe that this would just go awayand we could forget about it. He is not in my postion, raising a child that his not my H and be willing to forgive him b/c we made a chioce that brought a life into this world, yet he is simple allowed to forget she is out there. My H is having a hard time with the fact that she is not biologically his, but she is his daughter, as a result of my dishonesty and lies, allowed him to fall in love with this child and not have a choice. What rights ( or course of action) does the OM have, he knows she is his and unfortunatly can prove it. What is the best way to handle this? My H has written a couple of letters, one to OM supervisor regarding the relationship that happened in a public government building, OM is a government employee, one to OM W regarding our relationship, the same letter to OM and now a letter explaining that OM is simply not going to be able to walk away from his responsiblity. Where do we go from here? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> Do you think there is any chance that the OM will want to be in his child's life? that can answere some of your questions. Don't worrry about his marriage just concentrate on yours. i am sure I am in the minority when i say pursue the child support, this is a sticky situation and you do not know wher your marriage and you will be down the road, if the OM ever wants to he can pursue leagal action to be involved with child. I hate the money that comes out of my home to support the OC but I would HATE my husband if he didn't pay it. The money is for the child that he created. Do what you can live with and what you feel is best for your child.<P>

This is going to be short. Abbi is asleep on my right arm, so I am typing one handed. I just wanted to say that I agree with everyone in that you need to worry about your own marriage, not the OM and his W. As far as having OM involved, I say NO. It is at least 10 times harder to rebuild your marriage if OM/OW is still involved in your lives. If your H is willing to call Hannah his own, and OM is willing to "bow out", that would be best for all involved. And finally, the OM's "punishment" will be loosing out on this little girl's life. Don't worry that his wife is ignoring what he has done.<P>Well, my arm is about to fall off, 12 1/2 lbs is hard to support on one arm <P>Tigger

I realize that it may seem that I am trying to hold on to the OM, but I am not. What I am is angry, hurt, confused, disgusted, on and on. I don't care what happens in thier home, nor do I feel it is my buisness. I do feel that he should be held accountable for some part in this. My H and I have started this rollercoster ride of emotions, at times I feel at a loss. I have tried to be honest, even if the truth hurts, but it seems at time that he does not want my answers he wants to make them.? I don't know what to say to him in trying to answer his ?'s. I realize my saying I don't remember or I don't know is not good enough but, he is asking me things that were not important enough for my to remember. I am not sure how to answer him anymore. I am telling the truth and giving answers to a majority of the ?, there are very few I don't have an answer for. I know he is struggling with the fact that he wants to raise our D, but is threaten by the fact that OM can presue something legally still. I can't terminated OM rights yet b/c our situation is not clear yet. Yes my H will raise her, but he feels that he is playing daddy. I don't know how to react to this. I know that he has a right to feel this way as it is partly the truth, but he is and fear he will continue to throw it in my face that he is not her bio dad. He will never have a genetic bond with her. That he is stuck raising a child that is not his, yet he still refers to her a "our D". How do I help him with this? This is why I told him the truth, I told him I would rather lose you and by being honest, than keep you by lying.

RY,<P>I really have no business replying to you as I haven't been in situation you find your marriage. However, I would like to suggest to you that you realize that many answers will only come with time. It has only been 3 days since your H's world has been turned upside down. I mean not only is his marriage not what he thought, but not even his child. This is going to take time.<P>I would strongly recommned that you reread the posts by K, Stilltrying, and Middleman. They have been where your H is now. They are extremely good at getting to the salient points, and they can articulate many of the feelings that both of you are going to go through. The rebuilding of your marriage is going to take a long time.<P>So be honest, be empathetic, and have compassion for your D and your H. Their lives will never be the same. The goal you should have is that your other child doesn't have his/her? lives torn up as well. ( I do remember correctly that you and H have another child, correct?) It seems to this outsider you are doing what you can RY. But, please realize that much of this your H is going to have to deal with on his own, he will need your support and love, but while he didn't cause this he must deal with it.<P>One, thing that I believe you should stop and realize. While I am sure your H will go up and down, as you will as well, his first reaction seems to be to hang in there. I doubt you realized the depth of his love for you or that little girl. You have been blessed RY. So while you are focusing on the many bad things going on in your life, realize that there seems to be some very good ones as well.<P>God just may have chosen a stronger man for you than you realized. <P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>PS: I believe that K and others recommended that you and H get into counseling. I strongly second, third, whatever, that idea.

RY,<BR>I am in a similar situation as your H, tigger is my W. The only difference is I knew from the start. I hope you take to heart all the advice you have been given. I would only like to add that i would recommend to you that you try to get your H to come to this board. I was the one that found this site for us. I found it through search engines on the internet. It was the night after D-day and I couldn't sleep(imagine that) I spent almost the whole night on this site reading through all of the Harleys principals. Tigger and I have learned a lot about each other and ourselves through this site and the Harleys principles. I wish you and your H the best. Don't ever give up the fight!!!<P>SM59 <p>[This message has been edited by Sailorman59 (edited May 01, 2001).]

RY:<P>Actually, the OM CAN be relieved of responsibilities for the child legally, and your husband CAN adopt the child as his own (at least in our state). We looked into this for our situation: my wife's OM knew about her pregancy, and he threated to pursue custody of the child. However, at the time, he was going through a nasty custody battle for his "own" three children through his divorce, and his wife knew nothing (presumably) about his affair. My wife threatened to tell (lovebusters all around... ), so he went away quietly.<P>In discussing this with the lawyer we had, he was of the opinion that going through the legal system would do nothing but make some lawyers money, and potentially aggrevate the situation. He suggested just letting this lie: if the OM tried to pursue something in the future, it could then be challenged more vigerously. But it would be up to him: he'd have to sue for paternity, get DNA testing, etc. And the more time that elapsed after the birth, the less likely that he'd be granted any "rights", although he could be hit for child support.<P>I would leave this issue be.<P>In regards to your husband's issue with not having a "genetic" link to the baby---I think he's just dealing with shock right now. As he processes all this news, it will (likely) become less of an issue to him. Expect him to take a year or so to get over it entirely---but it's not likely that he'll resent your daughter. In my case, I knew from the pregancy that the baby wasn't "mine", but I view this child as a gift from God for fighting for my marriage. Just because we don't share genes doesn't mean that I don't cherish him just as much as my other two "biological" children.<P>And please get into marriage counseling, soon. With someone good---as I've mentioned before, I highly recommend the Harley's phone counseling (888-639-1639). They're experts in dealing with infidelity, and they'll help the two of you rebuild this marriage in short order.