An open question to all on this board.<P>I'm was just wondering if anyone out there believes that there is such an animal lurking about. It is called an "Emotional Affair", one type of relationship that there would be no "intimate" physical contact outside the marriage, ie, intercourse. Someone just to fill the void of pleasant conversation and company that a S could not.<P>My W to this day swears on a stack of Bibles a mile long that this has not happened [the physical stuff, "OK I kissed him once"]. Of course she swears to alot of other stuff too that I found to be lies. WHAT A SHOCK! That dearest Brian is only a "Friend" and is only after companionship. Did she forget that I'm a guy too? If he really wanted companionship he should get a [censored]!NG DOG! Name the damned thing "Adolph" after the meat tenderizer.<P>Yea, Right, I was born at night, but, not last night. I have fully accepted in my very small mind the fact that W and OM have "done the nasty" at least ONCE in the past 2.5 years. My W is a very attractive blonde and gets looks where ever we would go AND is in "her prime" [29]. We have not had sex for at least six months. Well, I haven't. I'm not bragging about her appearance, I would rather have someone less appealing to anyone else, just me. YES, I was attracted to her for her looks, but, I fell in love with her personality and charm.<P>Well, enough bantering from me, Opinions please. Don't let me down Guys. I'm looking for honest answers.<P>Thanks,<P>Medic, and yes the deadline is still Friday!

Oohh. Maybe I'm not too good to answer this question, since the ex OP's name was Brian, and since everything else was EXACTLY as you said. It's just too close to home for me.<P>I can only say that I said the exact same things to my H. I cannot believe it now, it sickens me. If she is where I was, she's stating these things because she cannot accept in her own mind what she's doing, it's not something she would have ever condoned or something she could never imagined she could do. It's basic denial, and she doesn't want to lose you, but she doesn't want to leave where she's at now, because she's ensconced with the way her OP makes her feel. That's the driver here...and there's a lot of ways to overcome it on your end. <P>Have you and your W discussed the problems within your marriage, maybe outlining and pinpointing the areas which need improvement, and taking a proactive stance to improve them?<P>Sought counseling to address those issues?<P>If she's in the "not wanting to even discuss, denial stage" it can be hard. And to be quite honest, if she was like me, she won't even be willing. But I can say now, after two years after ending the affair, I am at a point where I would love to renew my vows and start over. Does she work with this person, is it someone she has to see daily? This has a big impact, IMO. "Kissing him once"...that sounds like a big indicator of something else. There needs to be complete honesty here, on her part.<P>

Hey Madelyn,<P>Thanks, I'm guessing by your reply, you do not believe in the non-sexual affair and I'm getting hosed by more lies.<P>I must tell you that I recently started a new ambulance service [four years ago, hence the handle Medic] that I had hoped would be our future. Yes, I put in a lot of late hours day and night, but it was for us, or so I thought.<P>She verbalized problems in the past and I thought I had changed and met them. She stopped complaining. I unfortunately found out most recently [six months ago] that she had retreated to someone else. I figured since I didn't hear anymore complaints I was fufilling my part of the marriage. I wasn't aware she had someone else on the side.<P>Val and the other girls in the office would go to a local pizza shop everyday for lunch, within walking distance, and she DID TELL ME about a certain male that frequented the place that was showing her some attention. See above paragraph. I didn't get it then.<P>We had gone to a "conventional therapist" and she tried to convince us that our problems were within our childhood. Something about not being loved as a kid. I"M 39 now and don't remember what I did last week let alone as a child!<P>I was not a good H and will readily admit that, but upon further evaluation of the situation and some personal development, I sincerely believe that I could be. <P>My oldest son is in college now and I most recently found out that I could be a good parent. I was trying to be his buddy and not a father figure. That also has changed. He tells me that I "went parental".<P>The other thing that bothers me is she considers him just a "Friend". She tried to break it off, but he got upset. Who breaks up with a friend? I also found a card [by snooping] from a flower bouquet that professes his undying love for her and hopes it is returned.<P>So, I guess that my suspicions are correct that there is not such thing as an "Emotional Affair"<P>Thanks again for the response, I kinda figured.<P>Medic

If she has had a 2.5 year affair with Brian and has been separated from you for several months the chances are very high that she has had sex with this guy. Also if Brian is a normal hetrosexual he will not be going out with your wife unless he is getting laid. That is reality. It is obvious she wants to keep you on the backburner until she sees which direction her relationship with Brian goes. Accept the fact that she lied and see if marriage counselling will help revive your marriage. Best wishes.....max

Hi. There definately is such a thing as an emotional affair - call up Airheart - he'll confirm this I'm sure. He has been a great help to me - my H is currently involved in a huge emotional affair - he's had a sexual affair before that I know about, so has no reason to lie now about this one. It is very real - as destructive as a sexual affair - I posted something similar recently - I'll search it out for you if I can find it - the replies were helpful. Cheers.

I agree that there are such things as emotional affairs. But I believe that if two people are in love, and they are together, alone, they will have sex. Rather than focus on the definition of the affair, I would focus on the damage it is causing your marriage. I'm with you on your suspicions though.

Absolutely, there's such a thing as an emotional affair. How long it can STAY as such remains to be seen. <P>Because my H is so emotionally stunted and a conflict avoider, there are times when I'll go to my friends (female) for solace rather than to him. But as soon as someone is going to an opposite sex friend for such solace, it's a potential problem.<P>At the very least, it's a sword of Damocles over the spouse's head, that if the spouse falters even slightly, the "friendship" can turn into more. It requires a lot of self-discipline, more than most people have, to keep the brakes on.<P>If there's no sexual attraction on either side, then it's quite possible nothing will ever happen beyond talk (although that can be destructive if "love" is bandied about). But if either party is attracted to the other, there's potential for trouble.

Emotional affirs do exsist, but I definitely agree with D&C that they probably won't remain so if there is a chance to further the affair. <P>My H had an emotional affair that lasted a month. They met on a business trip and spent a week together. There was kissing but no intercourse. The emotional side was very intense. I know that it could have gone further and probably would have if the circumstances had been different.<P>IMO, emotional affairs are just as devastating, possibly more so that physical affairs.<P>------------------<BR>Joan

MEDIC238 -- I am not the betrayer, so I can not say anything from personal experience, but I truly believe that there can be and are Emotinoal Affairs. I also think that if there is any physical contact between the two parties, eventually it will lead to a physical affair.<P>I will tell my W about this thread. Maybe she can give you better advice on this subject.<P>God Bless

Medic238 - I believed for a year that my Husband was having just an emotional affair. He swore to me there was no sex involved. Until that is, the last time he ended it with her. He came home and was upfront about it all and yes, there was sex involved. I believe that there is such a thing as an emotional affair, but I also believe that if it is allowed to continue it will not just be emotional for long. Even if one partner does not want it to be sexual, the other one will and will convince them that if they love them they will have sex. Just my tuppenceworth.

Medic --- Yes there is such a thing as "emotional affairs" I had emotional affairs over the internet for about two months. At the time I never thought that they were "affairs" I finally came to when my H found out about the internet affairs that I had had. I haven't spoken to any of the men I used to talk to since the beginning of December. I also realized that emotional affairs cause just as much hurt and pain as physical affairs do. (I had a physical affair while my H and I were separated) Boy did (and still do) feel like an idiot for doing it. I still fee guilty for it sometimes. I am hopeful that my H and I will get past this though. I hope this was helpful.

Wow, I wasn't expecting quite this large a response. But I thank you all. Here's an update.<P>I called her parents house at 8:00 this AM and her mom said she was already gone. She didn't know where she went. OK.<P>Tried W cell phone with the message "WH-20 the subscriber you have called is either unavailable or has traveled outside the coverage area". Plain english THE PHONE IS OFF. I then called her boyfriends house without doing the *67 full well knowing he's got caller ID. Well guess what, she calls about a half hour later and says that her cell phone told her that I had tried calling. This seems funny since her phone is analog and the caller ID function is not available here for that type of service. I asked her if she wanted to stay with that story or try again. She says yes, bad move, Clyde! So I figure when she was at BF house it would certainly have come up on HIS caller ID. Kinda makes ya think don't it?<P>I had a very nice chat with her mom. Seems she's lying to them as well as to the current situation along with other things.<P>I'v had it by now and told her so. Don't call here anymore and this is our LAST CONVERSATION! Any futher communication will go thru my lawyer.<P>I guess I should change the thread to "Did anyone else marry a really bad lyer?"<P>Looks like Friday came early for me.<P>Wishing us all the Best,<P>Medic