My H went to the courthouse to confront OM, really I wish I would have been there, it sounded brillant!! OM typed a letter stating he would not try to contact me or any member of my family again, especially Hannah. That he would have a lawyer draw up papers stating so. It actually sounded better than a soap opera, my H talking to Om while OM was shaking, sweating, he was not even able to make full sentences over three words. How pathetic is that? I actually feel sorry for his W, other than the obvious. My H said it looked like OM would have p*ssed his pants. I am glad I wasn't there,I would have laughed so hard they would have sent someone in to make sure everything was okay. My H says he feels better now, I am glad. I have given him everything and let him make all the decsions. I am greatful I have a H that loves me. I didn't and couldn't see that before, but I see it know, I thank you Lord. I am blessed. The kicker, even more funny than the first part, that if my marriage doesn't work out with my H I can still go after OM for CS. He deserves ALL the misery he is in!! Sorry, sad little man. The only thing he was even remotely good for was producing a beautiful baby girl. I pray the only thing she has inhereited from was her looks and not any of the sorry sick little traits that make him a piece of s*it for a human being.

Regretfully Yours,<P>Considering your luck, you should use your energy<BR>to better your marriage and family.<P>As the wife of a man who made a mistake with a <BR>married woman (before our wedding), I am so<BR>sorry for the couple that you are talking about.<BR>Do you have any compassion for what his wife must<BR>be feeling right now?! I know that my H regretted<BR>his Bad Choice and never contacted the op again.<BR>That is until she came back looking for money for<BR>the child that she is raising with her H, yet thinks<BR>it is my H's child. Personally I do not think we<BR>owe her anything. She made her choice, she has a husband<BR>and a family, just like you. <BR>How sad that you would hold such a thing over someone's<BR>head. Do you know what it is like to go through<BR>life waiting for your worst mistake to catch up with you...<P>Just maybe your om is a decent guy who regrets meeting<BR>you, and is now concentrating on his marriage.<BR>Why does that bother you so?<P>Truly I wish everyone here the best. Maybe you should <BR>take a step back and assume your own part in this mess.<BR>Stop laying the blame at the om's feet, that is not<BR>going to help your d or your H.<P>

I am sorry you are mistaken, I am not laying the blame with anyone but my self. I made this situation and will continue to beg forgiveness from everyone but the OM. Om W is innocent in this mess and I am truly sorry for what her marriage is going through. I am sorry that I made a mistake, but my mistake gave us our(my H and mine) D. I will not regret that. We are not holding anything over the OM family's head, they will deal with it the way they choose, it is none of my concern. My family is my concern and protecting my D from the sorry excuse of a sperm donor her genetic link is, was Top on my list. I am not and will not concern myself with what the OM does in his life. I will concern myself with making sure he nor will anyone in his family try to butt themselfs into our daughters life. I have caused enough turmoil in her short little life, I will prevent anymore. I just find it sad that there are people out there, like OM that cannot hold their head up high enough to take and admit responsiblity for their actions. Luckily I have a H who loves me and our family enough to be willing to stay and work out our marriage for the better. Believe me I am accepting my part in this. By telling my H was first, I think if I were trying to hide from this I would have kept quiet, but I respect my H and my family enought to be honest and take my responsiblity in this. I am not, as my H said to OM "simply walking in the raindrops", I have a child that I love dearly to account to. My begging for forgiveness will never be over. I am not expecting my marriage to end until the Lord calls one of us home. My H is a good man, good enough to be willing to take on the responsiblity that should not be his in the first place. So feel sorry for OM, no, he does not deserve my pity. <p>[This message has been edited by Regretfully Yours (edited May 02, 2001).]

regretfully yours, I wish my OW would do as you do-work on making a life for her daughter without the interference of my family. I fear my OW will force her desires on my family, when I had nothing to do with the conception of her child and she made decision to raise her child alone, then sought out CS for child.I think, if you decide to raise child as single person, then raise it-but don't try to interfere with the married male's family who had nothing to do with this all.You are lucky to have the H you have-he sounds like a saint.

Granted, I do not know the extent of the om's or<BR>your responsibility in your situation. But considering<BR>you have a husband who is willing to raise your d in<BR>as close to normal a family as possible, than why would<BR>you even want the om to "take responsibility".<BR>I can say with all honesty that in my situation,<BR>my h and I feel it is best for all involved to let the<BR>op raise the child with her family. If she wants cs<BR>from us than she will have to disrupt her child's life<BR>by allowing us visitation. So when you are feeling so<BR>giddy about being able to "go after" the om in the event<BR>your marriage fails, be prepared for turning your d over<BR>to them every other weekend (not to mention all the<BR>input they would have on how you raise your d).<BR>We also have a precious family that we are trying to<BR>protect, to raise in this basically hostile world.<BR>Being a parent is the toughest yet most rewarding job.<BR>You have so much on your plate. Forgive me if I was<BR>confused as to if you are truly remorseful or not.<BR>I am just trying to let you see from the other side.<BR>My h is a good man, all the more for not wanting to<BR>interfere with the life of the child. <BR>We are primarily concerned with protecting our children<BR>from the careless acts of op who do not have their<BR>best interests in mind.

I must say that I have to agree to a certain extent with Fluke. You see our ow wanted nothing to do with my h when he would not leave me for her. SHe then wanted no contact with him, only if he would have left me and been with here. She was going to make a life for herself and the oc, so my h accepted that and never bothered her. Then three years after telling my h she did not need him if he did not want her, she went after cs, she then fought for my h and our family not to have visitation. After 2 years we do have visitation, so if you are going to keep that cs issue on the back burner just remember the visitation and the om's family are going to be a package deal. Our ow hates the fact that she now has to share her child, well she opened the can of worms and now she can not handle it. She has fought and still fights for every hour my h has with the oc, so it is very clear how she is using her child as a pay check. If you, Regretfully yours, have this idea in your head that you can have cs as a back up just remember the issues that go along with that. I think that that is using the child to gain $ advantage and if you are not willing to let the child go away from you for hours or days at a time do not do the cs road. Gabi1116

At this time I am not willing to presue CS, I feel Om is still responsible for his deeds in this and he will in one way or another have to face what he did. I face her everyday of my life. I am lucky I have a H who adores her. My H is her father. I also know that we are going to raise her to know what I and her biological father did. I feel if she wants to meet him, I will not stop her. Just b/c my H and I are raising does not get him off the hook. I find is appaling that still to this day man are allowed to walk away from their responsiblities if they want b/c their W/they are threatened by the simple exsistence of OC. They should have though about that before getting into an A. I am taking care of my responsiblity, I did not create this child alone. It is time the OM in all these situations start facing what they did. Yes, the women gave birth to these children and will usually raise these children w/o their fathers(bio) b/c it is what is best for these children. It is better to raise the child in a home full of love and with a father(my H) that loves this child as his own than supject her to a family and bio-father who can't be much of a "good dad" if he is willing to let go and forget the child is walking the planet. The OM in my case is not a good father in my eyes to his son or daughter. You can't have double standards when it comes to children. I love you b/c I am married to your mother, but I will not love you b/c I am not adult enough to admit I made a mistake. I will die with honor knowing I am truthful. OM will live with this on his conscience till the day he dies or he aplogizes to my daughter for "forgetting" she happened. My H is a good father and husband. He is a very honorable man and I know that if he were in the OM position he would do the right thing and own up to his place in the mess and be a part of the childs life, regardless of my thoughts or feelings, That's what makes him a good father. He will always be a good father b/c he is a responsible adult who will/is raising another mans child b/c this child needs a father. All children need a father be it your H's or not. My D bio dad is not an honorable man, not someone I would want her raised with, but that said he is still her father and she has a right to know him and choose to have him in her life if she wants. It is not his choice, he fathered a child, be their father, he is. Nothing will change that.

Dear RY,<BR>I want you to note that although I am about to disagree with some of what you say, I am doing it in a respectful manner. I know YOU know that, but I don't want to give the crashers any reason to think otherwise.<P>I guess what puzzles me about your post is that on one hand, you are rejoicing that you have been given your "freedom" from om, then on the other, you don't want to set him free in return.<P>In my opinion (and I could be wrong, it has been known to happen ) I think that you are still smarting over the end of the affair. I think you may be primarily upset that om has slunk back to his wife with his tail between his legs, instead of telling you how overjoyed he is about the life you created together. I'm betting that secretly you are a little disappointed that he doesn't 'care" enough about you to pursue his paternal rights to his daughter.<P>At any rate, RY, don't think for a minute that the men in om's situation are getting away without "paying" for it. regardless of whether or not they have contact with oc, these men "pay' for it in a million different ways every single day. Maybe you should look at it as if om just gave his daughter up for adoption to your husband, because in essance, that is exactly what he is doing.<P>Best of luck, RY. You're in my prayers.<BR>-cd

RY,<P>Yes, the OM is still "responsible" for his deeds. You may not see it this way, but has done an honorable thing. He has, in essense, sacrified his child in order to allow YOU to save your marriage, probably to allow HIM to save his marriage, and to allow your child the benefit of a loving, stable environment. Your husband is willing to love and accept this child as his own, despite the manner in which this child was conceived. The MM is willing to step out of the picture and allow your H to raise as his own. Think about it, do you really want the OM in and out of your life, having to see him all the time, having to communicate with him, having to constantly be reminded of the A? Probably not. MM has gracefully stepped out in order to allow you to build the family that the child deserves. This is a sacrifice for MM whether you see it or not.....I'm sure he thinks about the child so don't think that he thinks that she has "fallen off the planet".<P>I am an OW who produced OC so I understand COMPLETELY where you are coming from. The MM has only seen son one time. I am not married so I do not have the fortunate situation that you do. I am raising this child by myself and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think of the fact that MM has no involvement. It hurts like hell BUT I understand why he made this choice (in order to rebuild his marraige) and I refuse to let my anger for MM eat me up. <P>RY...don't let your anger get the best of you. I understand that you feel he abandoned his daughter but try to see the flip side which is that you can rebuild your famly/marriage without him around!!! At some point, you wil be able to explain how she was conceived but don't spend too much time thinking about how you're going to handle that now. Take the time to love your child, to rebuild your marriage. It will be many years before she is at the appropriate age to tell her. Live for today, not tomorrow!!!!<P>I am going to pray for you and your family. <P><BR>

I have a couple of questions. First off, why doesn't your husband adopt your daughter if he loves her so much and he's such a great dad? If the OM is so awful don't you fear that there is some possibility that he might someday have custody of her?? I mean, if something were to happen to you he'd have the legal rights. If your darling husband adopted her he'd have the rights. <P>Question to the others that stated that the OW came back a year or years later wanting cs. At that point your husband went for some sort of visitation or custody. If I understand correctly visitation or custody was never considered before having to pay support. Comments have been made that the OW has to share her child if she wants to receive support but that is what she deserved since she was "using" the child to gain more money. My question, are you using "visitation" to get back at the OW for coming after you for support? I'm only asking because I've seen my husband's ex do this with him. Pay me more and more and I'll let you see the kids more often then the legal visitation.

BonnieSept,<P>Absolutely not. It is an extremely difficult decision<BR>to contemplate, let alone make.<BR>In my case, we have not gone for visitation because<BR>the op did not go thru with dna test, still wanted the<BR>money though. If she decides that she is ready for the<BR>test, and it is my h's child, then we will go for <BR>visitation because we want to be a positive influence<BR>on the child's life if we have to be involved at all.<BR>At this point, my h does not feel it is even his child.<BR>But should it prove to be, he felt it would be best<BR>for the child (not to mention OUR children), to be raised<BR>with the op's family. Exactly like giving the baby up<BR>for adoption. My h does pay for his misdeed(emotionally). He has shown tremendous remorse and works daily to show me<BR>his love for me and our children.<BR>Just to let you know, my H made a spur of the moment<BR>bad judgement call with a married woman who came on to<BR>him.She said she was seperated and dating other guys.<BR>Considering she knew she was pregnant almost immediately<BR>I cant help but wonder why she didnt take precautions<BR>if she was fooling around. My h had no rights to follow <BR>through with once the deed was done. Considering it was<BR>the worst mistake he ever made, he has paid dearly.<BR>We are trying to get down to the business of properly<BR>raising the children WE chose to have.<BR>But to answer your question, we would go for visitation<BR>to try to have some control over the situation.<BR>The way I look at it is that she is the one who got<BR>a precious gift she does not deserve and she proved<BR>that by attempting to extort money from my h without<BR>going thru the proper channels. This all sounds like<BR>we dont care, but God knows how much this has touched<BR>every part of our lives. <BR>

BonnieSept,<BR>That was exactly what I was thinking when ow came after us for support just take her child away and make her pay us support. She didnt lose much time waiting thou the baby was 2 1/2 months old at that time. I only lost my mind for a day or two and came to my senses and realized that was not a very good reason for raising another child. We pay the support but have no contact with her or her child. Thats a very good question. with love flowerseed

In response to my H adopting our D, he doesn't have to b/c in the eyes of the laws he is the father, unless we contest paternity. OM has no rights and would never be able to prove otherwise as the courts believe in the sanctutiy of the marriage and cannot allow a thrid party to contest paternity. Therefore OM cannot say he is the dad, only we can. I am not secretly wishing/hoping or crying that OM went back to his W he didn't have a choice as I blow the "cover" willingly and against what his wishes were. I didn't want to continue the relationship and was not going to. I don't not care if Om had feelings for me or not. The child we produced has nothing to do with the way/or not we felt. As parents you have a moral and ethical obligation to the children you produce, be it in marriage or not. All I am saying is it is sad that people who are allowed to have children do so with such illregard to the children they produce they do not feel a sense of responsiblity. I agree w/ the statement that OM basically gave her to my H, but not doing so becuase it is in the best intrest of her, but doing so that he doesn't have to be held accountable. I will not let my feelings regarding OM affect my family. I do have a reminder of the A my D and will continue to, I pray the Lord will allow me to look at my D without beating myself up for the situation I brought her into. I will not regret her life. The OM in my situation has done what he has done only to benefit himself, noone else.

Dear BonnieSept,<P>In our case, we wanted visitation/joint custody from the very beginning, but ow fought us every step of the way. After we found that living so far away was slowing us down, we relocated to be closer to the child and to get the ball rolling. We finally started visitation. After a few visits with oc (in which I found her delightful), ow approached us and asked us to "bow out gracefully" so that she could marry her livein boyfriend and have him adopt oc. After much thought, my h made the decision to back out and give the oc a chance at a secure two-parent home. it was a painful decision for him, but one he felt would be in oc's best interests. A year and a half later, ow reopens the cs case, gleefully admits that the whole thing was a ruse to make h look like a disinterested father. So we are back at square one, taking her to court again. She does not intend to ever have boyfriend adopt, and has said that the entire thing was a great scheme to take away h's rights without losing the cs. We have ALWAYS wanted to be in oc's life, and even when we had no contact, we sent cards and gifts to her. We even told ow she didn't have to tell oc who really sent them. so we are the ones who have always tried to do the "right thing" by oc. In our case, it is definitely ow that is using the child as a pawn.<BR>-cd

Regretfully Yours: My reason for asking the question was brought about by your stating that you could go after child support some day. If your husband legally adopted your daughter he'd be financially responsible for her right? What I guess I don't understand is that if the courts are seeing your husband as the only father your daughter has then why could you/would you ever have a way to hold the OM financially responsible? There was a point in time when my ex went two years without seeing his kids or paying support. It was my husband (their step dad) that supported them emotionally and financially so in most eyes he was their father. It's the role not the sperm that makes the daddy. But, if something would have happened to me their step dad would have no rights...their bio dad would. Now, if my husband were to legally adopt my kids then the ex would have no rights, emotionally or financially. So, I was confused how the OM could have no rights to your child unless it someday became a financial one only.

RY,<P>I have been reading your story with interest. Congratulations on telling your H and your choice of an H. I think it goes without saying many men would not have responded as well. <P>However, I do want to caution you about something. It has been touched upon by many of the posters here. Quite frankly, you and OM did something that would have and probably deserved to end most marriages. The both of you did that. You feel the OM is getting off scott free. Maybe he is and maybe is he isn't. But I would like to suggest to you that you are overestimating your H.<P>He is doing an amazing thing in my eyes, but as strong as he is, I doubt that he could do it if OM is in the picture. He would then be faced of not only overcoming the fact that the little girl he thought was his isn't, the marriage he thought he was in, wasn't, but no matter how contrite OM would be, your H would be faced that OM has somethings he doesn't and didn't. OM is the father, and H is not. OM had your heart, your body and you two produced a child. I don't think you quite realize the power of those realizations and how difficult it would be to face that every day, when confronted with the presence of OM in your lives.<P>The women that post here can tell you. This realization is so powerful, that they need to put as much distance between them (their H's) and the OW and OC as possible. It hurts.<P>You are in pain, and you will be in worse pain as the attraction of OM wears off. But I do believe that in your desire to see OM pay, you may do great harm to your H and by definition you marriage. RY, your marriage is shaky right now, and your H is well... you name it. Pay attention to them.<P>I would suggest that you talk with these ladies and with K, StillTrying, Middleman, Floored (the men in your H's shoes) and see if they can offer advice on how to handle the slow and painful process of rebuilding your marriage and your life.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

Regrettfully Yours,<P>I don't understand something. How does this make you free? How does this make anybody free? Freedom always comes with a very serious price. <P>Not only this, but your husband filing those papers doesn't make you free to do anything. If your marriage doesn't work out, you'll have a truly hard time getting Child Support from either of them, given the laws as they are and, thankfully, are changing. <P>If you seek support, expect visitation or possibly joint custody, which means you have to turn over your daughter half the time. If you don't, you could end up losing custody all together. Something to think about. <P>Likewise, if you decide to let your husband raise this child and your marriage ends, you may be forced to get support only from him since he is your marital partner. The other man can still be awarded some sort of custody. <P>The times are changing as far as fathers, support and custody are concerned. Not all mothers are granted full custody nowadays and not all fathers are put through the cleaners, ESPECIALLY when one starts a child life with fradulent claims. <P>As I said, freedom comes with an awfully hefty price. <P>Take care,<BR>CoR

Just learning, regretfully yours, etc. I agree with so much what you say, Just learning. the fact my H has decided to not be involved in OC's life does not get him off "Scott free". Every day since I have learned of the A/OC, he watches the effects of the betrayal on us and our marriage.Every day he knows his error of judgement has cost him his life and possibly his future.Every day we struggle to make some kind of life for ourselves and our two kids. He thinks of the OC, I know it, wants whats best for her. I still think what is best for all is OW raising the OC in a loving home and finding a man to parent that child.The true father will be the one to cuddle her at night, raise her, be there in every shape or form. My H could not do that and stay in a relationship with me or raise our kids as they have been all these years. I do not undertstand if you are so fortunate to have your loving H accept this child, regretfully yours, why you want to involve OM at all in the child's life. I think involving him would be very confusing to the child, who will see your H as daddy-kids care not about biology, but about day to day being with them. YOur H will take that role and deserves that role if you let him.<P>Another issue, what about the rights of the children of the original family? Do they not deserve the maintenance of the life thrust upon them?Do they not deserve a full time daddy and mother to raise them??that is what was intact when the A and OC occurred. In my case, the OW always knew my H was married, knew of our two kids, knew he would never leave me for her. She knew he was committed to us.Despite that, she wanted to raise the child herself, initially with no demands on us, then sought CS 6 months after birth when she realized she could not economically support child. I can well understand she may wish my H was involved in OC's life, but he cannot be and still be in our life. That unfortunately is the way it is. I pray daily OW moves on and finds a committed partner for her child to help her raise the child, but I do not feel badly my H is not in her life. BEing in her life would be so painful for me,a nd right now I have enough pain on my plate.Every day my H sees the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, the betrayal both H and OW perpetrated on me and my family.And the fact H never wanted to leave me, and does not now, doesn't really ease the pain.Because I know somewhere out there is OW/OC maybe one day ready to pounce and attack my life even more. I see some of the OW posting here who seem respectful of the other family and keep their distance. I sure appreciate your attitude, I pray my OW keeps her distance as well, because she has wrought so much pain on my life that I do not think I can handle more. REgretfully yours you ar lucky to have a h who loves you so and accept the child.If I were you, I would move on and let OM go.

Okay, this is the last time I am staing my opinion regarding my situation.<BR>1. I am not in love, want or desire OM to be a part of mine, or my daughters life.<BR>2. My H will raise her as his own, BUT, if our relationship cannot survive my betrayal, then I will NOT require him to pay support to a child that is not his (biological).<BR>3. I will then have OM pay support as that is what I think is best to begin with.<BR>4. As long as my H wishes to remain in our marriage he will always and after be considered Hannah's father. <BR>5. I do not believe that OM is mourning this child as he can continue living his serial cheating life as normal, w/o a reminder of this child, he has a child at home to concern himself with, screw his OC(his daughter)<BR>6. Just remember, any OC out there has two parents, if the spouse decides to raise the child even better, but that child will eventually want to know where, how and who they came from. It is not anyones decision to make but the OC if they feel they should meet the OP. My H works within the juvenile mental health and corrections division here in our county, he sees what these children go through everyday and how hard their lives are when both parents are not around. That said, it is great everyone is working on their marriages, as I am trying, but there is a more important issue at hand, the child that shouldn't have been is. They are the ones that will suffer in the end for the mistakes and choices we adults make for them.

Hi RY,<BR>I still don't agree with you but I wanted to commend you on how nicely you state your opinions without getting nasty with anyone who disagreed with you.<P>The crashers sure could take a page from your book. I really admire it when somebody can stand their ground and be gracious at the same time.<P>-cd