Just wanted to check in. I am feeling sad today. Yesterday was a better day, I actually tried to get into the mood to have sex with H as I know we have been feeling distant from one another this week and that is one way he likes to connect. I made the overtures, he responded incredibly quickly, almost like he missed it so. It was nice, but by the end I was tearful and crying. I was sad because I still feel sad of how he has hurt me-and I do not know how to get past the hurt. The sex does not erase it for me, H held me kept asking if I was o.k but never asked what I was tearful about. This is an issue for us-I feel sad over A/O-he does not want to talk about it but sees my pain and says it makes him sad too.How to deal with this? We go to counseling today, I am notlooking forward to it but I imagine these issues will surface.Reconnecting maybe will help, I am just not sure how to do that when I feel so sad and disappointed in him..HOw did you all do that when feeling sad? I know I have posted these issues before, but I guess I am just stuck in this place.

Hey LSB,<BR>Unfortunately what I am going to say to you will be quite redundant. In two words its TIME and EFFORT. Everything you do, say and feel will have to be a CONSCIOUS decision because the pain is so new. I remember when this first happened I had my little mantra...God give me peace, God give me peace and I would say it over and over again whenever questions, doubts and sadness engulfed me. I know you have heard this a million times but you won't always feel this way and it sucks getting there but I promise you, you will. Time does have a way of making all this crap fade. LSB don't let this engulf you or your marriage WILL NOT survive. You need to make the conscious effort to make this marriage thrive despite this crap. LSB you have been married for 25 years, your husband is so much more than just this incident. I am not discounting it because the pain is intense, but don't define your H and your marriage by just this ugly situation. Your H made a mistake and the consequences are painful but if you know in your heart that he is a good man then make the conscious effort to make your marriage work.<P>Stay connected by making love, spending time, laughing, etc. I know you might not want to but this is when the effort comes in..do it anyway until enough time passes that you find that you want to do these things.<P>Going to light a candle for you and for Paul. You are in my prayers. Hey its a beautiful hot day over here in NY...get out feel the sun in your face and feel grateful for all that you do have.<P>Blessings, <BR>Leelee<P><p>[This message has been edited by Leelee (edited May 04, 2001).]

Isb,<P>I feel bad for you, you sound so alone, glad you're here. I can offer no advice, I've just found out about H's A and pregnancy. I can't even imagine having sex. I am so furious that he had sex with me before telling me OW was PG. Obviously they had unprotected sex, and I'm afraid of contracting something.<P>Maybe you can discuss it in counseling. I'm so sorry I can't be of more help.

lsb,<BR>I had to just go through the motions. Just live one day at a time its normal what you are feeling. Your h knows why your sad thats why he doesnt ask. I know how you feel with me once I got past the sad all the time then I went to a feeling of nothingness thats just about as bad. I think its just part of the stages we all go through. Its a roller coaster that feels like its never going to end but it will. Just remember theres always a new day and try to look ahead not behind. Its o.k. to be sad. Lets hope tomarrow you have a better day. with love flowerseed

hey lsb,<P>I just wanted to say I remember that scenario and oh its so hard to deal with. But the key words here are "I remember."<BR>I no longer go through that, so it will fade. I had the same mantra as LeeLee. Funny huh. I guess it works. <P>All My Love<BR>bw

Dear lsb,<P>You have already gotten wonderful advice so I won't reiterate what was said.<P>Leelee is absolutely right. The effort has to come from inside you and it has to be a conscious decision to save your marriage. As women, we are so used to doing things that we don't necessarily want to do, but they are done for the good of the family. For the time being, put intimacy with your H on that list of things that must be done -- not only sex, but like Leelee said -- spending time together, sharing and caring together.<P>I know how hard it is. But for the sake of your marriage, please try. Keep smiling, lsb, better days are ahead.<P>love,<BR>heavenly

LSB - I am sorry for your situation. And I truly hope it sorts itself out and you and your husband stop hurting.<P><p>[This message has been edited by naivewoman (edited May 04, 2001).]

Just came back from very painful counseling session. H remains upset with my emotional state, I am upset with his lack of repetitive remorse. I ask him to be more emotional to me, he finds my emotional stance talking about this distancing to him.Therapist says I deserve how I feel, god knows I have the right, but my feelings are keeping him away from me. Therapist recommends I enter individual therapy, but I do not see how I can afford that given the high CS payments we pay. I resent me giving something up for our healing because of that expense. I am not sure we can get over this. NOw H says there are other things he has been unhappy with I may not want to hear. I do if it gives me a chance to fix it, but I keep wondering if there is so much he is unhappy with, why are we trying to rebuild the marriage? And I am very sad he tells me this after we waited all these years to have kids, and our life decisions will affect them. That pains me the most. I told the therapist I am not prepared to throw in the towel of our marriage yet, but I am beginning to think H is. That really hurts. It hurts he is already tired of my emotional state to all this shocking info about A/OC only 3 months into it, yet he was away from our marriage for 3 years with A-don't I deserve equal time for him to fight for our healing? That is how I see it. If he can't fight with me to save our marriage, maybe it was never good to begin with. It saddens me to think it may be over. I have spent most of my life with him-being without him is like being without an arm or a leg. But I am frightened he will go away soon and not come back. I am quite in a mess about this-need to find some tissues and cry. Talk later.

Dear lsb,<P>My thoughts are with you.<BR>Time does ease the rawness of your feelings.<BR>As LeeLee said, it takes tremendous conscious<BR>effort to focus on more positive aspects of your<BR>life. Easier said than done, we all know.<BR>Best wishes for you and your husband. Hope your<BR>little ones are well.

Dear lsb,<P>Im sorry, I had posted my reply than saw your<BR>latest post about your conseling session.<BR>I hope that your h can find the way to help you<BR>heal. Being on the receiving end of all of our <BR>anger, pain, and devastation does take it's<BR>toll on our husbands. Finding it hard to communicate<BR>is my h, also. I know he means well, he just cant<BR>find the words some of the time.<BR>I will say an extra prayer for your marriage and<BR>family. love, fluke

Leelee-yes, I guess you are right. H is so much more than what he has done for 3 years, but it is hard to look into those other years when this hurts like hell. I will try and do that more-it is the only way to heal marriage I think.

Dear Isb<P>So sorry it didn't go well, I understand exactly how you feel. Your emotions are so strong, and you need to express them, but at the same time, terrified they will push H away. I am feeling the same conflict...<P>I will pray for your family.

Isb,<BR>is there any way insurance can pay for counseling, at least for a little while? Mental health is so important. I'm sorry for your pain. <P>Also, for newbies, I'd recommend STD testing for your H's so that you can relax at least on that account.<P>Prayers,<BR>J

Jenny, individual counseling is not well paid by insurance, our couples counseling costs 130 dollars per session, I have been referred to some excellent therapists with experience in the area who charge the same but will not accept insurance. It is a joke for mental health coverage in general. Anyway, I agree getting STD evaluation. I at least got my H to get tested for HIV but to be really sure you need to protect yourself up till 6 months prior to last contact with another partner-so we are awaiting the 6 month mark until I feel really sure and safe about that.

lsb, I just wanted to say you are not alone. I feel sad and lonely 99.9% of the time. I read the advice everyone gave and it was good advise. And some comfort! But it doesnt erase how you feel at the present. My wonds are still fresh. I'm still dealing with the reality that my marriage will never be the same. My H had cheated on me as well as my family! I usually dont want sex from H. I would be content if H never touched me. H is wonderful father. Caring attentive man. Maybe thats why A has been so hard for me to just forgive? My family is ready to pack me up. But they are Not nasty to him. Possibly because I told them that would make things worse. They all adore our son. They would never jeopardize their relationships. Im having a really hard time with certain issues. Keyword being I. I just cant get over how H betrayed our marriage vows, our friendship, our trust? This is a man who says he loves me. You dont treat people you love this way. Your suppose to protect them!! Please forgive my rammbling. Im getting all worked up. My point is Im not sure about much.Except that I decided to make myself happy. I decided happinies must come from within. I decided to go back to school. I start working on my masters next month!! I read more and try to do all the things I used to. H has asked me to wait on serious decisions. I decided to do for me. So hope things get better for you. Please hang in there. Good luck. Will be praying for you.