I am new here and I am looking for help. I was told to post my story so others could at least know what was going on... so here goes.

My hubby and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids and somehow the spark isnt there anymore.

It's like we are just stuck in a rut that we cant get out of. Neither of us has had an affair or even thought about it. We love each other very much but its gotten to the point where that rut has taken over. We are trying to figure out how to get past this. We say hurtful things from time to time but always talk about what happened later. We have some really great friends that have been trying to give us advise but the one I talk to the most about things, it seems that she is trying to sabotage the marriage. So I decided to see if I could find sound advice here. We have done the questionaires but not sure how to improve things. We do things together as a couple and a family so that is not lacking for recreational. I just feel trapped by this rut and really not wanting to have it get any worse. We have our own friends as well as married friends. The single friends can just give me a shoulder to cry on if needed. Hopefully I haven't rambled on and gotten people lost! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Also how should I deal with this friend that I think is trying to sabotage the marriage? Thanks everyone!!!!

Lots of good information on this web site. It has helped me tremendously. Read as much as you can. You will find lots of suggestions. Good Luck

Hi Wild....
I'm not in a position to give you advice other than to take advantage of this web site.

Start Here

The above link will help you utilize the different areas of this web site.
Good luck!
Smile

Hi WBC,

Sometimes the walls just all have to come tumbling down, don't they. Same with H and I
at times. It takes risk and courage going over the threshold I guess.

What do you feel the ruts are?

As for the friend that is sabotaging the marriage. Doesn't sound like much of a friend, but you could always just refrain from speaking to friend about anything concerning your marriage, or stop the friendship altogether.
You don't need any outside interference!! So boundaries would help.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

Thank you all for a warm welcome.. I know that I will be stumbling thru the site until I can get a hang of it all.

Ladysheep~~~ I just feel that we are a stalemate. It's the same routine day in and day out. Work, kids and housework. We have time to ourselves but it doesnt feel 'special' anymore. In dealing with work and school starting we are also dealing with a special needs child. It is frustrating and just breaks your heart at times. We have let that get the best of us and said some hurtful things. (mainly blame) I just want something to help get our love going again. I know that the friend doesnt sound like a friend but I think its because she is going through tough times with her marriage but wont admit it. I just find it odd that some of the things that she has told me then what she has said to the hubby. She keeps saying that I dont appreciate him or see him how everyone else does. I have cut her off from talking about this subject and so has my husband. She doesnt realize that we tell each other everything no matter what. Secrets dont exhist around us. We have too much respect for each other and our marriage.

OK I sound like Im whining now! I feel like I am going round and round in a circle getting no where. I have talked with the hubby and we agree that we do need some advice, help or suggestions to get us out. But then things go back to the everyday routine again. Leading us down that road of no where. I would love to make some new friends here that wont judge.

Thanks again!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also how should I deal with this friend that I think is trying to sabotage the marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you think she is doing it deliberately then end the friendship completely. If not, continue doing what you are doing an don't talk to her about your marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just want something to help get our love going again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First of all stop love busting. (ie Stop making those hurtful comments.) You said you both did the EN questionaire... what are your top five ENs? Are they being met? (Doesn't sound like it.) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It's the same routine day in and day out. Work, kids and housework. We have time to ourselves but it doesnt feel 'special' anymore. In dealing with work and school starting we are also dealing with a special needs child. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That sounds exhausting. How much time are you actually spending being a couple? What do you do during that time? What do you want to do?

One final question, what do you want your marriage to be like?

Ok I will try to answer all the questions....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what are your top five ENs? Are they being met? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We are slowly working on them. (remember we just started here) As for the hurtful commments its a reaction to frusration. Having to deal with our daughters needs is hard. She is a bright child but hasnt accomplished what she should as a 3 1/2year old. She doesnt talk except 4 words and just gets to us. Especially when we see other kids her age. So heartbreaking. We have her in programs and therapy. It is hard to deal with that when there is only a limited support system. Friends listen and doctors have kept us informed. They have given us a short list of books to read and we are. There are no family support groups dealing with children like this to help share experiances with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How much time are you actually spending being a couple? What do you do during that time? What do you want to do?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We spend more time as a family then as a couple but we are trying. We usually are to tired to do anything but watch a few t.v. programs. Usually with us sitting seperatly. He and I sit in our own chairs. Once in a great while we will cuddle but it never lasts longer than 15 minutes. We do go to bed together at the same time and we consider that a plus. Even though one of us might not be tired, we made it a point to do this just to be with each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One final question, what do you want your marriage to be like? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a hard question to answer. Really makes one think. Life changes everyday and we go with it but I really hyave to think about that one. I know that it cant be like it was when we were first married because life changed. Careers, kids and growing older and wiser everyday!

I will have to put some good thought into that.

Thanks for that!! **WBC

Hi WBC,

I agree with Stable on learning the EN's and working on them. Just sounds like you need a
new love life w/ H. Boy do I understand that.
Life can get so humdrum sometimes, and taking
care of your child sounds difficult. And the blame game won't help. It's not your fault and it's not his, it just happens. I think
it's emotionally exhausting you both. What do
you think? Can you both get away together alone
once in a while? Try not to talk about children, jobs, and everything else when you
have total quality and quantity time with each
other, sometimes all that talk can distract you
from each other. Try to endulge each other. Just takes some EN's and some encouragement and understanding what each other needs!! Beyond that you do sound like you have a normal life.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

We are unfortunate to not be able to get away just by ourselves. Oldest is not quite old enough to leave in charge and we have no babysitters. We dont even know anyone with teenage kids. The hubby wont hire outside do to he is very protective. As for the grandparents to watch them, only if we really need them too. We do take their schedules to heart as well. Tonights match was quite a doozy.

He was irked from something that happened at work and I got ot be the lucky one to have it taken out on. I was in the middle of sugesting to him that he should say something to his boss when he told me that I didn't know anything. I told him that the remark hurt and bam he started off blaming me for our YD slow developement. He tells me that I dont spend enough time with her or do things right but this wouldnt have even happened if I hadnt of had ultra sounds at all. He seems to think that this is the cause of her slower developement. There are no answers for the cause of the delayed developement. I walked away before I could even say anything. I knew that I shouldn't fight back with harsh, hateful words. I ended up crying while fixing dinner. After that he acted like he didnt say anything bad to me. The pressure is getting to me and I know that the tense feeling in the air isnt good for anyone.

Any suggestions out there that can help? He is willing to do this, in fact it was his idea.

How can one just take the pety fights and walk away and not build up the pressure inside? I try not to but I dont want to fight back. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I guess I just want it to be like it was before our youngest was even born. Happy not hurting or in a rut.

Thanks again for everything

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 02:38 AM: Message edited by: WildBlueCats ]</small>

Hi WBC,

Sounds like you had a very sad night last night. It sounds like everything is just getting to be too much.

It must be so difficult for you two. I have
never raised an Dev. Disabled child, but I sure
sympathize with you. And I definitely hope your H will stop the blaming. Do you think Family counseling may help?

I have a 1 yr old too, and we don't get out much together as we used to either. I have a 13yr old, but not old enough to babysit. Our next door neighbor watches baby sometimes, and keeps telling us we need to get out by ourselves, but she is ready to deliver another baby (#4) any day now, so don't even dare ask her. And I don't trust many people as your H. I'm very picky about who watches him. I know it bothers H more that me though. I have raised 2 other children, so I'm used to this being home with them. We are newly married 2 yrs now. And his x-wives raised his other 2 daughters.
So he had much freedom. This is his 1st that he is actually with and raising. But he is also a new man, so that makes a difference.

I am still learning to be a listener to my husband. If he is irritated, I just "try to" listen. Not try to tell him what to do when he is angry and sometimes I do cause I'm always the one trying to find a solution, and the "why's" and the "what to do's" He doesn't say anything to me when I'm angry, he just listens. But this might help...
When H starts talking about all the stuff at work, just listen...and instead of saying, "why don't you talk to the boss about this problem,"
(which is probably what I would have said too.)
...but instead say...."Oh that sounds terrible"...Or..."It sounds like you really had a terrible day today at work" It's called "validation" and it takes practice.

Talk about feelings, that is where the pressure gets released. Such as "I feel angry and sad when you blame me for our daughters development problem." instead of...You, you, you . I feel sentences take a lot of practice too. But WBC, I always felt that pressure too, until I started telling how I feel.
It really works!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will post Cheri's feeling list next. If husband could work on it together w/ you, that
would be great. And would release much pressure and heated anger.

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

WBC, Here ya go...Hope you have a better night with Hubby!!

Feeling Words.....the list
Harley's Basic Concepts
Love Busters

Sent with Love, Ladysheep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Usually with us sitting seperatly. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When GoodEnough and I first got married we each had our own chair and we sat across a coffee table from each other. We were together but not TOGETHER when we were sitting like that. We have since bought a couch. It was an excellent investment in our marriage. Now even when we are doing our own thing it is easy for him to put his arm around me and for me to lean on his shoulder.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is willing to do this, in fact it was his idea. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is he posting on MB? reading the forum? Has he read the basics (love bank, emotional needs, love busters) on the main site?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He was irked from something that happened at work and I got ot be the lucky one to have it taken out on. I was in the middle of sugesting to him that he should say something to his boss when he told me that I didn't know anything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So he had a rotten day at work and came home ranting. You tried to be helpful and he insulted you. I've been on both the giving and recieving end of that combo. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Here's what I've learned. When a person is ranting they just want to get it out. They want someone to listen and affirm thier experience/feelings. They calm down after the rant is done. Unfortunately, the rant can sound unintentionally accusatory (provoking defensive reactions) or like a plea for help (provoking unwanted advice). I've learned to preface my rants with "I just need to rant" which diffuses tension. I've also learned to ask "Honey, are you asking for advice or just ranting?" when my hubby is ranting. It has helped me. (BTW I'm an engineer so I *like* to fix things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told him that the remark hurt </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's good that you are being honest with him. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and bam he started off blaming me for our YD slow developement. He tells me that I dont spend enough time with her or do things right but this wouldnt have even happened if I hadnt of had ultra sounds at all. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was a love buster (LB) on his part, a very disrespectful judgement. I bet it hurt you. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He seems to think that this is the cause of her slower developement. There are no answers for the cause of the delayed developement. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*Hug* These things happen. We deal as best we can. It sounds like he is searching for an "answer", something to make sense of this situation. Or perhaps he is frightened that HE might be to blame for his child's situation.

I've dealt with similar fears when facing my illness. What caused it? How could I have prevented it? Why? Why? Why? This was an attempt to gain control over a senseless, unfair, out of control situation. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I walked away before I could even say anything. I knew that I shouldn't fight back with harsh, hateful words. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are a wise woman.

Did you both talk this situation over after everyone calmed down? If not it might be a good idea to sit down and calmly (avoiding LBs) talk about your feelings and thoughts (radical honesty!) when there is less pressure. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can one just take the pety fights and walk away and not build up the pressure inside? I try not to but I dont want to fight back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not fighting does not mean bottling up your feelings. Try reading up on Radical Honesty and LBs. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I guess I just want it to be like it was before our youngest was even born. Happy not hurting or in a rut. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm just speculating here but ... Could you both be having resentment issues? If so then councilling might help.

WBC... I hope all is well with you.

Thanks Stable for wondering if I am okay. My hubby and I have been talking more and more and he finally understands how he makes me feel when he says those things about our YD. He finally understands that as a mother and a women, that I often blame myself or wonder what I did wrong. He apologized for everything and said he didnt realize that the words stung that badly. We are now working on other things in our life but we are spending more time together as a couple.

So it may be sparatic for a bit with postings from me. But I can say that I am happy and with him knowing how those words hurt me so badly that we can totally focus on our kids and ourselves.

Have a great weekend!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />