It's over. I don't want to be with her now. I picked up the phone this evening and she was on the line with om. I quickly hung up. She then came into my room and told me she was off. I asked her if she wanted to work on our relationship. Did she want to continue with counseling. She said she didn't see the point. She can not see herself having romantic love for me. Our conversation went down hill. I lovebusted big time. I asked her if om knew about this. She said no. I said call him and tell him now. She wouldn't so I did. I told him I didn't blame him for any of this, I don't hate him (truth) and that she is free. I've been reading her emails to and from him and they are big time love sick for each other. I couldn't take it anymore. She was really pissed that I called him. I said I'm sorry but someone has to have the courage to be honest. I want out of this marriage. I can't trust one word she says. She has lied to me since I returned home. I told her I rather she didn't talk to him but that I wasn't going to insist she didn't. They arranged secret phone calls all week. She said she didn't want me to know about her calling him. (She didn't know I was reading her emails) Our conversation got worse and I was really hurting and love busting. I told her I wish she would just kill me now. End my misery. She tried to leave the house, but I had the keys and wouldn't give them to her. She then called 911 and asked for an officer. One hour later they arrived. During the waiting time she was very abusive. Shouting at me. Telling me she was tired of my games. Tired of me hurting her... The truth is that I really have had it and made the decision for her by saying it's over. It's obvious to me that she liked the status quo. Sneaking contact while saying she wanted to try with the counselling. I don't trust a word she says and that's basically it. She never raised her voice at me in the past 10 years and this evening she did enough to make up for lost time. She never has said f*** you to me before and got plenty of those in. I know she is hurting real bad and is being totally irrational, but I've really had it. I don't want a reconcilliation after this. She will calm down and want to talk, but I just can't go on anymore. <P>I'm in a state of shock. Not feeling much at the moment. I know I will need some counselling after this. I don't think I want to be involved with another person for a very long time.

I wish I had some wisdom to offer or at least something to say to make you feel better. But, I don't know what else to say except I am so, so sorry and will pray that you will find the strength to heal from all of this. Sometimes things look like it's over when it really isn't. Give yourself some time to digest the horrible events of the day, and then proceed with caution. Do not do anything rash. My H and I have had some very nasty exchanges throughout our ordeal, believe me, VERY NASTY. Things were said and done that neither of us thought we could ever "fix." But, we did, and our relationship is stronger and closer than ever.<P>Just take some time, pause for a moment before you make any decisions. Godspeed.

Thanks for the words of encouragement new woman. I appreciate them. <P>I'm not going to do anything rash. I feel that I gave it my best effort. W doesn't believe in therapy and she isn't going to seek any after I agreed to end it last night. I actually now feel sorry for her. She'll make the same mistakes with om. She's a stubborn person and thinks only she is right. I'm tired of it. I lost any remaining love for her after last night. I'm amazed at how at peace I am about it now. I did plan a for 2 short months and all she did was lie to me. I'm glad I read her emails. I don't want to be with someone who can be as deceptive as she was acting during this whole thing, telling me she wants to reconcile, that she and om decided to stop seeing each other then planning behind my back to do just that. My biggest emotional need is open and honest communication and she withdrew love units so fast that I just don't care what she does. I'm going to take care of me now. Be a little selfish, do the things I like... I come from scottish herritage and we have a saying; Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Yeah I hurt. I'll hurt for a long time, but I'll survive and be the better person in the long run.

Oh, how I feel for you. I love the Scottish saying. I have been betrayed twice along with alot of emotional games and I too am drained. I want a divorce every day Just because I am entitled to it. It IS biblical. Forgiveness is too, so, everyday I do my best but I want out so so bad.<P>New woman: WE got off on a bad start on one thread, You told me I was acting like a preacher. I was just trying to tell the truth and it does hurt sometimes. I also do not blame Clinton solely. I knew someone would have got me on that and I was just too lazy to type anymore. I know that adultery has been around for 2000 years and more so.I am glad you are hear trying to help us all .

Channel,<P>Nope, that wasn't me who said you were acting like a preacher. It was a poster named "Delilah" who said that. I don't believe she posts here anymore. Chalk one up for my excellent memory skills! But I did also post on that thread.<P>So, we're cool! <P>Britn,<P>I understand about love unit withdrawals very well. I would still keep an open mind because your W may come to her senses. If she does, would you still refuse to take her back? There are so many things I swore I could never forgive and would never do, etc, etc. My lesson: never say never. Take good care.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.<p>[This message has been edited by new woman (edited September 06, 1999).]

New Woman,<P>I don't like saying never either. It's just that the damage she has done seems incredibly large. I can't trust a word she says. If she came to me today and said she wanted to try counselling, I don't think I could agree to it for fear that she would change her mind again. In less than a week from her telling me she wanted to try counselling she changed her mind and of course took 4 more days to inform me that she had changed it. I knew she had changed her mind simply because I was spying on her. Reading her emails to om. Looking at the phone record... This has been a pattern all of our 10 years together. She never would tell me what was going on in her head until SHE processed it, then she would tell me. If she was upset with me about something, she would never tell me at the time. She would stew on it and then in a few days tell me what I had done or not done that upset her, then she would say it's ok that she got over it. That was our pattern. Little things that bothered her she bottled up. How am I supposed to know to correct it when she wouldn't tell me things then when she did she minimized them by saying she's ok that she got over it. She never lied to me before this. She was the most honest and reliable person I knew. She isn't the same person now. I'd rather just get out now. I've cried and cried over this. I can't take her crap anymore.