Filed w/attorney yesterday. M is over. Gave H every opportunity to change and try to rebuild our 35 years together. He continued to "slap" me in the face by seeing OW and avoiding me.

I feel calm and now sleep at night.

Thank you for your words of comfort, wisdom, and for encouraging me to be me knowing all the time i had to ability to find what was right.

May God always bless your kindness.

Goodbye, friend.

Simmy

PS i've always wondered: how did your M resolve?

Dear Simmy --

I am so very sorry that things have come to this end for you. Yes, you have indeed given your H every possible opportunity (and then some) to see the light. I knew all along that while he certainly had the ability to do just that, he needed to come to that realization himself. It is a tragedy that he wasn't able to.

I also knew, even more surely, that you needed to follow the path throughout this maze for yourself, that there was immense value in the very journey itself, that it was vital for you to live it fully and completely, to "go through the process," to exhaust every opportunity and possibility. Otherwise, how would you ever know that you had done everything? Now you know...

I have far too many friends, here on this board and in "real life," whose marriages have ended for this very reason. Many more have died than have been turned around. My own: ending in a little over two months. I too have "hung in there" and kept the embers of hope alive for over two years now. I am tired, weary, but my journey has been as necessary as yours. We have fought the good fight. We can hold our heads high. We have done the right thing, the only thing.

We are very close in age and, rumor has it, in Pennsylvania proximity. We have learned much in our time on earth. Even the best books, the classic novels, are absorbed only by reading them, chapter by chapter, until they too must come to an end. You cannot read a book unless you read it. And the best ones are those we learn from and become a part of us. Their message is never wasted. Every journey of this magnitude gives us much more than we can ever know.

I know your heart is heavy, as is mine for you, but I'm encouraged to read that you have an inner peace and that you now can sleep restfully. You have emerged from this darkness with full knowledge of you and your place and your value. Much good has come out of those thirty-five years. You have two wonderful and sensitive daughters who have become that largely because of who you are.

Maybe you can check-in here on Other Topics now and then? Maybe this board can help as your divorce is in process? No matter where we are in our relationships, there are at, any given moment, at least a dozen MB'ers in exactly the same place. Much to be gained here as this board is fast approaching 30,000 strong!

Thank you for your kind words. I lurk here daily but don't feel that I have much value any longer as a poster. I am world-weary from the incessant pain inflicted by our "best friends." So, I mostly stay away.

I'm so very happy that we have connected and I wish you beauty and joy in your life and the wisdom of cats watching. May God continue to bless you,

Ammon

Ammon,

Again, i say thank you for your kind response, full of wisdom and comfort. I am sorry to learn that your marriage also will end after a long, hard fought, and tiring battle.

I pray all the words you've written me have found their way back home to you. You are a gentle person, with caring ways, and I am unsure why your partner couldn't work with you to rebuild.

I am intrigued by the fact we are in close proximity in Pennsylvania and was also taken aback by your statement "the wisdom of cats watching". I had to reread EVERY post we did until I found where i mentioned my cat as I thought surely you either possessed magic powers to see through the puter screen or you were one of my daughters/or a close friend writing me.

Peace be with you, Ammon. May you walk always in sunshine holding the hand of God.

If we are ever near enough to have a cup of coffee, and that won't break any "rules" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> write me!!!!

Keep in touch, for yourself as much as for me.

Simmy

<small>[ September 06, 2003, 09:34 PM: Message edited by: Simmy ]</small>

Dear Ammon,

Over a month has passed since we've met and chatted...one month remains until your marriage ends, and I am one month further down the road.

It is this time last year, that i noticed H was falling apart, he was literally coming apart at the seams and Dday was rapidy approaching. He was an emotional, physical, mental, spiritual mess.

Now he is calm. He stays home. He speaks in normal tones. He is nice. When he must go out at night to tend to our businesses, he returns at a proper and reasonable time. He talks and carries on long conversations. He asks my opinions. He sleeps in our bed (!!!????) He cries out in his sleep, i'm sorry, forgive me....

But it's too little, and three years too late.

May God hold us close and give us strength.

Keep me posted, dear friend.

Simmy

Simmy --

Once again, roused from my lurking status on the board, I am moved to sign-in and respond to you. I've been away for a few days and only now have discovered your post of 7 October.

Did you ever receive my email of about a month ago? I sent it and then thought better of it when I didn't hear back from you, so I'm doubly glad to be able to renew our contact here at MB.

You sound brighter and less mired, although certainly not any less concerned. It's interesting and, I think, significant that H apparently is having "nightmares" about his illicit activities and horrendous choices. Attacks of conscience? Absolutely, and valuable, even necessary ones. As they say, "it's about time."

Good to hear that things around the house are calm and even-handed, even somewhat normal. While I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that all of these elements are part of and fundamental to a recovery process, I would say that his change of attitude has gone a long way to restoring some semblance of balance in your head and home.

What's the status of your divorce? You had filed in early September, as I recall, but where does it stand now? Are any of H's "shifts back to center" making a dent in your resolve? Either way, you need to do what works for you. Not so selfishly, it really does need to be about you for now.

Autumn continues to make inroads at every turn here in eastern Pennsylvania. Just returned from West Virginia and it seems that fall is a good deal farther along down there--which doesn't make geographical sense to me at all!

Write back anytime, Simmy, and please let's keep in touch. Your story isn't over yet, by any stretch of the imagination.

Ammon

Dear Ammon,

Firstly, I didn't receive your email, or I would've replied. For the last month, i was trying to convert to DSL not only for the speed, but also for the horrendous amounts of SPAM. Many days I would receive a hundred messages, with only a half dozen worthwhile, and the rest garbage. Perhaps yours was amongst those, and I inadvertantly deleted it!!! Regardless, i, too, am glad we connected here again.

As for the status of the divorce, H refuses to leave the house. He says he neither wants to leave nor does he want a D. Atty says by law we can't force him out. So here we are, playing the stalemate game, waiting for the other to leave some days, and other days, he tries to act like nothing ever happened.

As for me, this is a bigger transgression to forgive than i ever thought. Not only have i grieved for my dead marriage and my dead husband, but also my dead best friend. I haven't quite determined how i could/can ever open my heart, soul, trust, caring, to this person again.

I put a bid on a condo out of state, and didn't get it, so i'm looking again. If something else becomes available, i'll take that as a sign and leave.

When faith and trust are shattered, especially by one in whom you've placed your very life and being, how do you piece it back together again? I know we are instructed to forgive ad infinitum, but i wonder if God meant in ALL cases.

But why do i tell all this to you, dear friend, you've been walking this road as well as I.

I have a new e-mail address, write me anytime and of course, i'll reply.

Meanwhile, take care, and be strong, I know your time grows nearer.

Peace.

Simmy

Simmy --

I'm pleased that you have a new email address and that you've invited me to write, but I don't know what it is.

I had found your old one by accident as you had included it in one of your posts to another MB'er.
Perhaps I had written to the old one and you had already moved on to the new one.

I understand your frustration with the forgiveness issues. That has to come in its own sweet time and can't be rushed or hurried, if it is to come at all. My own belief is that it is necessary for the BS's own health and well-being, but if it is to have meaning and staying power, it must be the result of much time and patience and perspective. As with trust, forgiveness must be earned first by the WS, and then freely given by the BS, without hooks or preconditions. You're not there yet, and there's no reason why you should be at this stage.

Write again, my friend, and we'll commiserate...

Ammon

<small>[ October 18, 2003, 12:59 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Ammon,

Note made of e-mail address.

I agree forgiveness must be earned...and i THINK that had he kept his promise of NC when everything was finally exposed at the new year...i could've been at the point of forgiveness. But too many relapses not only push forgiveness into the background, but also push me deeper into the cavern of no return.

Yes we will continue to commiserate.

Simmy