I really have decided not to post about my situation anymore (since I am headed for divorce). But I thought this was interesting and you folks may find amusing.<P>My H has been served with court papers to finalize custody and supprt for OC. Now mind you... they went to a mediator and agreed on everything by state guidelines and H has been paying. So I don't know what she thinks she will be gaining by this. So anyway... they discuss visitation & OW says that she only wants H to see child at her house etc. and he says... "no... I don't have to... I can see her whereever I wnat to.. by STATE GUIDELINES". She wants totoal custody and my h to visit when and where she wants him to visit. He says "no... as long as I am paying the money I am paying.. I will exercise all my rights to custody and visitation". She says.. "well will you sign over custody if I drop all CS payments". Well... he knows that she cannot do this & he said NO. Anyway.. she then gets into a debate with him ober who is best parent. That he has not seen OC but a few hours in the past few months. He says... "well, that is due to yoru constraints". She tells him that in court it will go badly for him since he was a married man having an affair and courts will not think he is a good parent! He tells her "well... you knew you were sleeping with a married man that had a family and children". Ha! Battle of the "who is least slimy". What a joke. I should fight for custody, since I am the best parent of all & also am raising the OC two half-brothers. Wouldn't that cut them both up! <P>I am not sure if she is on the run or not. She somehow thinks she has some muscle to flex. What she does not know is that I am about to finalize divorce and get a healthy CS agreement, which will cut hers way down. <P>I am very glad I am distancing myself from this. I appologize to those of you who are still struggling with "stay or go" if I sound so pro-divorce. I am not. I wish all this could be a big dream that is over. My case seems to have things going on that all my efforts at saving my marriage could not over come... since my H never ended affair or worked on any efforts at repairing marriage. <P>Anyway... as always... be good to yourself and don't let these crazy situations we are in take the smiles off your faces or the music from your heart. Carolyn

Dear Carolyn,<BR>I can understand why you feel that you don't want to post anymore about your situation, but I really hope you keep chiming in for us anyway. I do so enjoy reading everything you write, and all your comments!<P>cd

Carolyn,<P>You do sound content with your decision to divorce; that doesn't make you pro-divorce. You had plenty of reasons and a H who was unwilling to work on his half of the marriage.<P>I wish you a peaceful divorce and a sense of recovery for you and your children.<P>I hope you don't stop posting here if you find comfort in it. I have enjoyed your posts and how you always remind us to take care of ourselves through all this mess.<P>Donna

Wow. Carolyn. A weird sensation washed over me when I read your post and I felt a kind of envy that you will have a fresh start and not be dogged with all this pain forever. You can move ahead because you know in your heart you did every single thing possible to save your marriage.<P>Oh, I know it will always be a part of you from now on...no one can survive this kind of monumental trauma and not carry scars, but for you, you have a chance to have them fade a lot in time. An occasional gut-squeeze, perhaps, a few tears when something tender on the radio or TV/movie triggers a reminder, but eventually, in time, you'll have your freedom from these things.<P>God bless you, Carolyn, and thank you for all you have given us. I hope this decision of yours doesn't keep you from here and that you will be around occasionally, because, Carolyn, you would be missed.<P>Love... and look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies<P>Catnip =^^= <p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited May 21, 2001).]

Thank you all for your comments. I really do hope that I am still welcome to "lurk" and post. I want so much to give back to this forum, since in my darkest hours I could always come here. Night or day. Good mood or bad. So much of my strength has come from reading posts of those who "made it". But I learned a ton from those who failed. Probably more from those who failed, since it was easy to see "what not to do". I guess I want to add that when I can, so others don't make my mistakes. I call them mine... but I know they were his. My fault came in not seeing his actions for what they were and being a little more forceful in taking a stand for intolerance for OW and him continuing contact. I bought too may lies and half truths. Hopefully I can help others when they try to figure out their own truth.<P>Yes Catnip... it is a strange feeling. A sort of "false peace" right now. My children still do not know. I am waiting until school is out (this Thursday) to tell them. My 84 yr old mother-in-law called me on my anniversary (ten years last Thursday) to tell me that she understood completely if I could not stay with her son. I would always be her daughter. I love her so much. She could so easily beg me to just "try a little more", but she didn't. She knows that I have been with her more than her son has. Blood may be thick, but when you love someone.. well that is the real thing that keeps you together. Anyway... to know that I will get to untie myself from this OW and all the chaos is what keeps me sane. It is just a trade off. But I know my H does not love me and perhaps he has always really put me in last place. He just isn't capable of putting me in the position of partner in his life. <P>I will still be around... until you run me off! Carolyn

Carolyn,<P>I too hope that you do continue to add your voice of experience to our posts. Just because you have had to choose divorce, does not mean that you are any less in these situations than anyone else here. You have experienced the pain, and in some ways more so than the others to have to go this route. You have so much to offer and I for one would miss you.<P>Love,<P>Tigger

Dear Caroline,<BR>Please lurk as often as you want. I've always enjoyed your messages.<BR>I wish you peace dear one. I hope it is all a sour memory soon. Good luck with the children.<P>Love,<P>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

takingcare,<P>i think that even though you are divorcing your H you should still post here. i am sure they will love you on one of the other boards, but we love you too. don't leave us. your words have always been so helpful to me. and i know they have helped many others.<P>i don't think you sound pro-divorce at all. i personally think when i read some peoples posts at times, and H is not being supportive, or working toward the marriage that i just could not take it. you can only put so much into something, and when you never get anything back, and find yourself questioning your happiness in life, it is time to let go. you have tried, have given it your all. H did not put his part in, thought he could have both you and OW. well he can't. <P>you deserve better. you deserve to be happy. you deserve to be first, in your life and someday first in someone else's life. you are special, and he is missing out on you. i hope you will stay, lurk, and POST. sometimes i wonder if all the people that do stay together can get discouraging to people heading toward divorce. put those thoughts of what more can i do etc. i am all for saving marriages, but not when it means sacrificing happiness, or feelings of self-worth. sometimes, there just in no "marriage" to save. and i think sometimes people are afraid to let go. so stick around. okay??<P>love, happy_girl

Carolyn,<BR>It sure sounds like them two deserve to be in each others lives. I'm glad you will be sticking around to add your wisdom you have made me feel so much better at times when I never thought I could feel anything anymore.<BR> Let us know what happens when you get things finalized and ow gets the money snached right back to where it should have been in the first place with you. Wont they have some interesting things to say then. <BR> You really sounds like your doing much better I see so much strenth in your words now. Your a great lady, I have always felt you deserve so much more then what you have been getting. with love flowerseed <BR>

Hey Carolyn,<P><BR> Please stay, please.<P> God bless you,<P>------------------<BR>Gregg