i knew she would do it.Today picked up mail, there was a hallmark like card in mail, addressed in typed print to H-only this time, in return address space, she put in OC's name and added husband's last name next to hers. Card said, thanks for all the time you have spent with me, all the things you have bought, your love especially, yada, yada, yada. Made me wonder if H had been seeing child behind my back, I called and emailed him ASAP- he says no, and I was really upset with the card. She obviously is upping the anty- H thinks OW is trying to make him feel guilty for not seeing child w I feel sick about it-every few months she sends a card, I can't even trust what is in my mail anymore. Worry kids will see it, hurt them. What upsets me-husband at first thinks I am overreacting, then I told him doesn't he see it upsets me, doesn't that bother him, it intrudes into my life and I don't like it. I wanted to write her a letter-stop all contact with us, no emails ( remember, she or friend sent me a message a few weeks ago), no cards, nada to our home. He just wants to ignore the card, make no comment. At some point I think she needs to know he has had enough-.What do you all think? What would you do?/Just read it and ignore it. Told h this is what makes me feel I have no choice but to move--the intrusion into our life, her living only 5 miles away, makes me crazy-it is not about her winning, it is about me feeling safe, secure in my neighborhood and not feeling harassed by her.Even her every few month cards make me feel harassed. I told h tonight-- the more she does this, the more I know I cannot have contact with OC ever-I cannot deal with this woman who has no regard for the effects of her mail deliveries on my kids, me, etc. Told him he will have to make a choice-if he does not choose me and kids, so be it but I cannot live this way. Told him did his mistake screw up our secure life-I know he knows that, was very foolish-told me a few days ago he never thought I would feel the need to move.What planet is he on ? Did he think I would like a crazy OW in my life? What upsets me-he seems to think since card was addressed to him, it was meant to hurt him, not me.Why do BS think it is only about them? I told H I have shown great restraint towards OW-despite my fantasies. I could send her snide cards, harassing stuff, but have not. She is just a witch-Is he still in the fog? What do you all think? <p>[This message has been edited by lsb (edited June 18, 2001).]

My husband used to minimize the devastation, too...it was the only way he could deal with the magnitude of his actions. It appalled him, embarassed him, humiliated him, too. If I would ask for reassurance in the early months after D-Day, he would say something like, "My God, aren't you ever going to be able to get past this? All I hear every day is this or that about OW, dredging up all this old stuff from a year or two ago." Now as Paul Harvey would say, "Now for the rest of the story".<P>#1 It hadn't been a year or two...it had been only six months. And I did not mention every day because I was in too much pain to rehash what happened. He was the one who would bring it up far, far more than I...and then I would ask him not to talk about it because I would get sick.<P>#2 He was in denial, he was overloaded with guilt and entering into regret and remorse full force. When they get into that stage, then the marriage begins to recover because they ahve finally accepted what this has done to you.<P>#3 If you call, e-mail, snail mail, singing telegram, courier any message to the OW regarding the FD card, her satisfaction will be sublime..she will have done her job, she will feel in control and all powerful and derive incredible satisafaction from knowing she made you absolutely miserable and enraged. She will snicker with evil delight as she assesses her power and look like the sane one while you react and carry on over this blatantly obvious 'tweak'. Don't give the bytch what she wants, lsb...she's a joke, she's desperate, laughable and the most incredible loser. Your husband has to be embarrased beyond words that he ever gave that gross creature five seconds of his time. If he is any kind of a fog, it is probably only self-preservation because he can't quit yet face the devastation he has caused you and your children and he has succumbed to misplaced guilt about OC or OW when the only person on the planet he owes anything to is YOU. He'll get over that in time when he sees her true colors...the only problem I see with that is it may make him more anxious about OC living with a shrew like her.<P>If you take the high road, lsb, you will be more attractive to your husband and compared to you, the OW will look coarse, crass, evil and despicable.<P>The best way to get even with an OW is to not contact her at all and have an attorney contact her for you. Why not file a Personal Injury lawsuit against her?<P>Catnip =^^=

Lsb:<BR>Please forgive me as I am new to this board and am not real familiar with your story. I went back and read a few posts so I have the general story. <P>After reading some of the posts over the last few months I kind of wondered something. It apears to me that whoever is taunting you with the email and the cards may be the same person or know the persons that have taunted you on the board. It seemed to me like everytime you posted with something going on at home this person posted something to further aggrivate you. Does the OW in your situation know about this board? Just a thought.<P>I am very sorry for all the pain you have endoured. It sounds like your marriage is going through a very rocky patch. I will pray for you.<P>Lovee<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lovee (edited June 16, 2001).]

ISB,<BR>ANY card she sends put in another envelope unopened and mail it back. She'll get the message.<P>Our atty, sent a no contact letter to ow's atty. So far so good. Not one call or letter dropped off. If she sends anything we put it unopened in an envelope and mail it back. Babies do not send cards....crazy ow do!<P>I am sorry for your pain ISB. I do think if your H was giving you what you needed to feel secure you wouldn't feel as bad as you do. You've seemed to hit an impass. Neither one moving forward...just stuck in the muck, you know?<P>I will pray for you.<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Isb, be careful of Lovee. I was waiting for this to happen after reading about the card. I am sure the ow is lurking here especially if she sent that card. Another Californian? If your H knows about this board and the ow posting here, it's the worst kind of invasion. Also, her writing is broken English. Be alert!

lsb,<BR> What a bunch of crap I dont know how you wouldnt be upset.I to would be thinking about a lawsuit. Was a blood test ever done on the oc to prove if its your h. sorry this nut wont leave you alone. with love flowerseed

Isb,<BR> it sounds to me like Ow has nothing in her life but child and her obsession. you said she isn't around family and does not have a career. You have to show her you are "ignoring" all she does. Send the cards back unopened, delete emails before you even read them. from all I have gathered she will not leave you alone. If you move she will follow, our ow all ready told us she would follow wherever we go so child is near to my hubby. If you change address she will find it, no contact order she will have friends contact and play the"innocent" game like she knew nothing. Don't move, it won't do any good. Stay and fight! Ignore everything she does and she will get get the message. I pray for you, I know what this type of ow is like first hand.

Dear Isb,<P>OW is just trying to cause problem for you and your husband, do not give her the satisfaction. My h xow has pull the same tactics. OW sends pictures of OC, card, one that really got me upset was the one she sent for my h birthday, which I got to it first and open, it said something like this happy birthday daddy, from your son that loves you and who you love and see regularly. I do not let this things bother me anymore, I know that she's doing this to cause problem between me and my h. Now I don't even bother opening her mail, I send it back to her. I know she will send my h a Father's Day, card, I won't even bother to open. She also send me some emails, the last one she sent I read it but did not reply back, I block her. I am showing her that I don't let her get to me anymore, and that I am in control. <P>Isb, do not open any mail that comes from OW, or even try to contact her, just ignore her. Remember they are doing this because our H are with us the WIFE.

thanks to all for replies. I do not know what to do about this mail sent to us from OW. H believes opening them, keeping them and doing nothing is the best thing. She is getting the message he wants nothing to do with her by his lack of response to cards, email,e tc. I can see some of his logic, but not all.It feels as if oW has all the power in this method.But it may be quietly effective. I would like to contact an attorney and have he/she send her a letter to cease and decist all contact of any kind to us at home-but I don't think H would do that, although I will discuss it with him. I think the fact she now is putting on OC name in return address spot is harassing, trying to cause problems and pain to my kids purposefully. H says the letter was not addressed to me, but to him, and inside it wasn;t nasty, just sarcastic-ie. you are a great dad, everyone admires you, thanks for all love, regular visits, all things you have bought me, etc. H denies visiting, says he hasn';t bough child hardly anything except whatever OW buys with largem monthly CS payments. He thinks she is trying to make him feel guilty over not seeing her, which of course he does. I agree with catnip-how guilty will he feel if he puts this child's needs over our's and breaks up our family-the OW is doing nothing to help my kids with this, instead I think she is trying to hurt them more by writing stuff on card.My D can read, she ofteng gets the mail, now I have to stop that. This is a sick way to live.Told H I do not want to keep living this way, waiting for her to show up, send another card( we expect one shortly for H's birthday) and every friggin holiday for next how many years? do you think she will ever stop if we ignored card? LASt card she sent at Easter we returned unopened, but now we have gotten one email and another card. I am sure other cards will follow. I wish H would send no contact letter-if he did, what should it say? <BR>Do you think not sending no contact letter can be equally effective if we just ignore her mail and say nothing? I am so confused with this. I actually want it to stop, H just acts like we should ignore it and go on. But I hate living this way-do not know what to do. I hate H's tentativeness on this and am going to tell him so.f I think what I hate is him not doing anything to protect us now from her wrath I feel his actions with affair were so reckless he didn't protect us then, now when I ask for protection, he does nothing.What can he do? I think that upsets me so-when is he going to see he has to protect us from her?

I vote for sending 'em back unopened, but I doubt my H would ever agree to anything so confrontational. Yeah, like babies can send cards! If OC could get herself to the store, pick out a card and mail it, none of us would have to work again. Now presenting Ladies and Gentlemen, the amazing card buying, present chosing baby! Come one come all; step right up! I hate that our OW disguise their own gestures behind a child. Stupid, stupid, stupid and really transparent.<P>MJ

lsb,<P>I think that opening them is not a good idea. Reading them is not a good idea. Keeping them is not a good idea.<P>I think (Just my opinion, of course) that one of the following would be a good idea:<P>Return them unopened.<BR> This shows that NOBODY at your house cares to get mail from OC/OW.<P>Tear up into little pieces and throw into the trash unopened.<BR> This makes YOU feel a little better (destroying the cards and letters), protects you from the hurt of her words, keeps husband from reading those words and feeling ANYTHING.<P>Forward, again, unopened, to your lawyer for his files.<BR> This again protects you from the hurt of her words, keeps them from husband and also provides the legal system with documentation of unwanted contact.<P>Of the three choices, personally, I would go with the first one.<P>Now, I need to say something that might make you feel bad, but I think you need to think about. Why does your husband feel that "opening them, keeping them and doing nothing is the best thing"? Opening them is NOT necessary to keep and do nothing. If he really thinks that they need to be opened, then he is using the cards to maintain contact in that way (in my opinion). I think that opening them is his way of keeping up with OC since he feels guilty about no contact.<P>lsb, a while ago I asked you to email me, and I understand if you didn't feel comfortable doing so. I wanted to ask you what ethnicity is the OW? I have a reason for asking and I will be happy to share it with you if you want to email me, but it is not something I can share with everyone. My email is tag_yerit@yahoo.com - If you check my history with the MB forums you will find that I have been here a long time and have a reputation for helping.<P>Hope that some of this helps in some way.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri, I tried once to email you, it didn't work. I will try again, and answer your question.

ISB imagine being ow and getting the card back unopened. How ticked off would you be? how frustrated? Ask your H to not open them. Send them back to show her you are a team!!!<P>She can't get to you anymore. H should have no problem if he wants his family. I mean it. Your H should agree.<P>Also since atty sent no contact letter she has stopped so far. Maybe you should do it too. We also filed a police report on harrassment from past notes ,letters, calls, and have her recent calls on tape for court!<P>love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

ISB, I usually post on the EN board and I admit I have been lurking over here, and reading. I just wanted to say be strong, and believe in what your heart tells you to be true. I also agree with sending the cards and letters back unopened.<P>P.S. I know you should not have to consider this but have you thought of changing your user name? If you did you could make it harder by starting to post before you switch than who ever is causing you trouble would have a harder time figuring out who you are. Take care.

ISB, <P>I just want to add a word of moral support. The tactics of these pathetic OW never ceases to amaze me! Using dirty tricks and trying to hurt the adults in our horrible situation is bad enough, but using an innocent child to do it is beyond despicable. Even animals are more protective of their young than these OW are! So sad.<P>My greatest concern about your situation is your H's feeling that he should "open and keep" correspondence from OW. I think you and your H need to discuss his rationale for doing that. My H has done a bit of that himself, and it has become a barrier in our recovery. <P>Keep us posted.<P>love, anniem<P>