H and I had a big argument sunday afternoon. I was supposed to help h family with the party , to welcome his sister from Texas. I chose not to go,due to resentment with his family since everyone new about the affair. To make the story short h was extremely upset at me. He took this incident as an excuse not to come home to sleep. I had a feeling something was going on, his cellular phone was off, I called as many times possible, left messages. H did not bother to return any of my calls. Today at 6:00am in the morning I took a taxi with my children, to ow & oc house, guess who was there HUSBAND. H car was park in front of her apartment. H came down, was shock to see me, I started screaming at him, even slap him on his face. H swears on our children's name that he did not spend the night in her apartment, that he just got to her apartment 1/2 hour before I did, and he said he spend the night drinking in a bar. He said he just went to see oc, he's knows that he's not supposed to see oc,we have agree to no contact. Yeah, I am suppose to believe this? When OW continues to make our lives impossible, and still wants to be h. Just when I thought we were making progress in our marriage. I can't understand why he did something like this, did he do this to hurt me, or out of spite. I can't not trust him anymore. I am so devastated by this. I have not been able to stop crying ever since finding my h at ow apartment this morning. I need advice, should I start thinking Plan B.

Dear mina,<BR>It's your call. do you feel h was lying? I suspect you do. Regardless he shouldn't have been there if you two did not agree.<P>These men kill me, what do they expect us to do? PLAN B as soon as you can. It is very hard to do. I thought I'd lose it several times but as time went on felt stronger and able to be alone if needed.<P>God bless you mina!!!<P>Love<BR>Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Mina, I am so very sorry. Reading your post brought back some really terrible memories. Although h and I have been in solid recovery for almost 5 years, there were times during the affair when I had similar experiences, times when I thought he had quit contact only to catch him with ow again. This sort of thing really blindsides you, especially when you're at the point when you have just started to feel safe and secure again. I know you are heartbroken and angry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better right now. <P>This may sound blunt, but I can tell that you don't believe that after drinking all night in a bar, your h miraculously recovered in time to go visit oc at 5:30 in the morning. <P>Although I certainly understand where gem is coming from (love ya gem!) I'm not sure this is the best time for you to go into plan b. I'm not saying that you should rush into forgiving h for this betrayal, or that you don't have every reason to be furious, but I think you should be very cautious about doing anything that is going to send him right back into ow's arms again. I don't think you want to become the "common enemy" at this point. Ow is just waiting for the opportunity to jump in and comfort your h. I may be wrong (and I often am!) but I think plan b might be very dangerous for your marriage right now. <P>I'm not exactly sure, however, what you SHOULD do. I'm going to have to give it some thought. In the meantime, if you'd like to email me, my address is <P>I won't be online again until tomorrow evening, when I'm at work. Maybe by then, I'll have some real advice. Or maybe somebody else will post with some better thoughts soon. Just be careful, Mina.<P>My thoughts and prayers will be with you tonight.<P>with love,<BR>cd<p>[This message has been edited by cdcollins (edited June 26, 2001).]

Plan B is to preserve whatever is left of your feelings for H from these sort of lovebusters. I'm no expert but it sounds like a good direction to me.<P>So sorry for your pain...<P>Prayers,<BR>J

Mina... very simply.. he broke an agreement with you on no contact. Even if you had agreed to contact, 5:30 in the morning after drinking all night is not very good for a child is it? Lot of BS. Sorry.<P>If you care anything at all about this man, you need to get into Plan B before he cuts apart the few remaining feelings you have for him. I waited too long to do Plan B. Please don't make that mistake. Remember... Plan B is not to punish him, but to help preserve the few good emotions you have towards him. If you allow him to keep hurting you he will kill all desire you have to be with him. Then it will be you wanting the divorce... trying to get away from the pain. <P>Take care... Carolyn

Oh wow! I am so sorry you had to find out like that. Sounds as though you suspected for awhile and do want to face it though. Many women would not have even gone over to the ow home to check. You at least dont have blinders on. Almost seems like H wanted to get caught.<BR>You have to do what is best for you and your children. H obviously does not respect your feelings enough to follow through with your joint agreement about no contact.<BR>I dont know what I would do in your situation, but your H has to be dealt a tough hand to get the message that you will not tolerate this blatant disregard for your marriage and your well being.<BR>Good luck. tryin

Mina - <BR>As they say, hindsight is always best...please don't be offended because this is just an outsider looking in. I think you should have gone on with the party plans with a big smile on your face (even if it killed you inside) Plan A remember? I think I posted to you on a different thread about taking an antideppressant. As someone who has been there it sounds like it could help you get control of some of your more hysterical feelings. It's not that you don't have the right to feel that way. You do!! You do!! But they are counterproductive to what you want if what you want is to save your marriage.<P> In my opinion I would seriously consider Plan B. It may drive your husband into the OW'S arms. That is a risk. You have to decide if you can deal with divorce or what you are going through. Then Plan B in very strong manner. It can take a while. I was in a very strong Plan B for 10 months, my husband and I just started counseling together last month. Progress is slow (too slow for me) but as all my friends here counsel PATIENCE!! I think if I didn't do Plan B I wouldn't be where I am now. I feel strong, confident and still love my husband. I don't know if I still would if I had stayed with him being so dishonest and wishy- washy. I think Plan B helped me gain my integrity back. I feel for your pain.<P> Again from the MYOB department I wouldn't involve my children in any confrontations if possible. It will do damage in the long term. Even if what their father is doing is scummy they can't understand that the person they love and made them can do these things and it can make them question their own wholesomeness. I got this from reading many books on children and divorce.<P> Anyway go out with some good friends and ***** and moan. You'll feel better. Truly consider an antideppressant, and Plan B. Thinking of you. <BR> Kris<p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited June 26, 2001).]

The reason I went to plan B was because after much counseling and prayer I said H could have contact w/yet-to-be-born baby through a third party(priest) w/o the ow involved. At that time I didn't want to be involved either. I overheard him tell our BIL that a third party will never work and he was gonna do what he had to do,"the right thing" ....seeing the child according to ow's wishes. <P>I went crazy and told him to get out. If he couldn't do things we agreed on w/o changing teams in the middle I didn't want him in our home.<BR>He stayed gone close to 6 wks. He came home AFTER the baby was born and AFTER he went to hospital to see him Against what we agreed on.<BR>I still loved him but didn't trust him and he KNEW it. It was up to him to STAY A TEAM with me through complete honesty. H knows another slip up will not be tolerated. I will simply leave.(not that simple but I'll go)<P>Since then our lives have been good. Like a couple of young lovers again.<P>So Mina it's my story. You will have to write your own.<P>Prayers to you.<P>love<BR>Debi<BR><P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Mina - <BR> As they say, hindsight is always best...please don't be offended because this is just an outsider looking in. I think you should have gone on with the party plans with a big smile on your face (even if it killed you inside) Plan A rememeber? <P>I think I posted to you on a different thread about taking an antideppressant. As someone who has been there it sounds likie it could help you get control of some of your more hysterical feelings. I know what it's like to cry 12 hours a day. It's not that you don't have the right to feel that way. You do! You do!! But those feelings are counterproductive to what you want, if what you want is to save your marriage.<BR> <BR>In my opinion I would seriously consider Plan B. It may drive your husband into the OW'S arms. That is a risk. You have to decide if you can deal with divorce or what you are going through. Then Plan B in very strong manner. It can take a while. I was in a very strong Plan B for 10 months, my husband and I just started counseling together last month. Progress is slow (too slow for me) but as all my friends here counsel; Patience!! I think if I didn't do Plan B I wouldn't be where I am now. I feel strong, confident and still love my husband. I don't know if I still would if I had stayed with him being so dishonest and wishy washy. I think Plan B helped me gain my integrity back. I feel for your pain.<P> Again from the MYOB department, I wouldn't involve my children in any confrontations if possible. It will do damage in the long term. Even if what their father is doing is scummy, they can't understand that the person they love and made them can do these things and it can make them question their own wholesomeness. Got this from reading many books on children and divorce. <P>Anyway go out with some good friends and ***** and moan. You'll feel better. Truly consider an antideppressant, and Plan B. Thinking of you. <BR> Kris

Thank you ladies for your advice,<P>I am still so confuse and do not know what to do. I am deeply sad and hurt. I do not believe anything that my h tells me. I think is all BS, going to see oc, at 5:30am drunk, and besides OC is going to be awake at that time. H thinks that I am stupid. I realize I did a big mistake involving my children in yesterday fiasco. As it is my two children already know about the affair and oc. They didn't need to witness yesterday's mess, but I wasn't thinking straight. I do have one question for you ladies, should I contact ow or not regarding this matter?

If you contact OW, explain that you are at a crossroads in your life. Tell her you would like to meet her and speak woman to woman. Do not be jugemental. I met my H's OW and 2 OC's in person. It really helped me in many ways. I went to her state to seek out the answer, and the other side. For me, it was the best thing that ever happened. Ever since then, my H totally changed his veiwpoint. If I hadn't met OW, I don't think I would be with H today. There would still be too much mystery for me to except, if I had not met OW. I'm very thank-ful to still be married to this wonderful Renaissance man. It took me 5.5 yrs. to get to this point, after filing for divorce twice in the past. When you seek the truth, you might be sorry you found out the other side. In my case, it helped me. ember

Iam in no position to give advice just support. Something must be in the air. All Iican say is thankGod that my H is fixed, no more babies.

Thank you ladies for your support, <P>I do not know why did I ask such a stupid question to you ladies, If I should contact other women about regarding this mess, when ow has made my life impossible, with threats, from living with my h and receiving child support, calling neighbors asking for H. She wants to be with my h. Yeah like she is going to tell me the true. I must sound despesrate.<P>Today I went to the park with my children, somehow my head was clear, since I couldn't cry in the park in front of people. I started thinking why did H do such a thing like this? I started remembering something he told me before he left for the welcoming party of his sister, he told me you have hurt me and dissapoint me, you should stop being so angry at my family,and try to move on, you are going to regret this. H and I had a serious conversation as to why did he do this, he told me he was extremely hurt because he want it me to be there with him. H also told me that he went to see oc, when we have agree to no contact, just out of spite, that it was a terrible mistake. H has apologized he told me he did not spend the night with ow. I do not know what to believe, I want to believe him, but part of me do not trust him. <P>You are so right quakermom, I should have gone to that party, at least to be there for h. The children told me that everybody were asking h where's is you wife, and h didn't what to say. I want this marriage to work, I love my h dearly. I have realize that if I want this marriage to work I have to follow plan A.<BR>

<P>You have to set boundaries, mina. This cannot happen again because it is too painful for you and the kids. I must say, I admire your gutsy actions hailing a cab and making a bee line over to the OW's. I hate not knowing and my desire to know the truth, no matter how painful, supercedes my desire for illusions.<P>I am so sorry you are going through this terrible and difficult period in your recovery, but do not give up...not yet, anyway. <P>Catnip =^^=<p>[This message has been edited by catnip (edited June 27, 2001).]