I am married for the past 10 months now but we still haven’t had sex. The problem is I'm scared and feel that it would hurt me. My husband tried inserting 1 finger into my vagina, but I only let him insert half of it as I had this feeling that he should take it out. It seemed like some foreign body was inside. It didn’t feel good, initially there was some pain also. Because of this he also looses his erection when he tries to put his penis inside. Can you suggest some remedy or solution for this fear? My husband thinks that its all in my head and there is nothing physically wrong with me. I really need help. I really wanna have sex like normal people and I do have pressure from my in-laws for kids. Please help me.

Sweetypye... correct me if I'm wrong, but you've never had sex before right?

Ok, for now I'll assume you haven't. Just some simple advice from a non-expert (me).

First: If you think there really is something physically wrong with you, see a doctor. Your doc will be able to tell you quickly if there is or is not.

Second: If there is nothing wrong with you (and I bet there isn't) think about this. No matter what he sticks "in there", it "IS" a foriegn body.. am I right or am I right?

Third: Try and get past that initial moment... it only gets better (maybe not THAT time, but it will).

Hey, everyone has a "first" time, your not the first and you sure won't be the last, but I think I can safely say it's "a little wierd" for all of us, at first.

Most importantly DON'T let the family and in-laws dictate when you will or will not have kids. That decision belongs to you and your hubby and nobody else.

M.

Sweety, please consider seeing a qualified sex therapist. I wish you both much happiness.

You are a rarity in these times! I was too, when I got married at age 28. Im embarrased to talk about it but . . .

Is it nerves? Fear of disappointment for either you or him? Think you dont know what to do? There is no fast & furious rules. Its what feels right to you and your husband. Play first!!
How do I say this? . . dryness problem? Get the KY jelly stuff at the pharmacy.

Dont stress out about it. Songs, tv. and the magazines etc. put too much attention on it. They make us think if we're not screaming in pleasure that something is wrong. To tell you the truth, the "high" from sex better than drugs I think is myth for most people. Focus on the love you share with your husband. Maybe decide to "fool around" etc without actual intercourse. Is there enough foreplay?? Share yourselves with each other. Kiss, cuddle, touch, talk etc. Give each other massages, shower together!!.

Yes, I think the first times can be very awkward and not so pleasurable as tv would have us believe, but it gets better with practise. Close your eyes and explore. RELAX !! I think you have alot of anxiety & you need to let go of the expectations in your head. I really think massages without always having sex helps.

I hope there are'nt any issues in your past that are blocking you from sharing this experience??
Maybe you could go for a consultation with a sex therapist? OR maybe there's some book out there but NOT the cosmopolitan/vogue/glamour crap about how to. Forget their how-to's. Make up your own as you go along. Its your private thing to share with eachother. Learn as you go & forget the rest of the world!

Dear Sweetie Pie,

My wife is tight, I am not small. Insert a tube of contraceptive jelly into the vagina first. I use a foam dispensor, as the dispensors that come with Koromex Jelly, do not get enough in there. First I put the tibe in hot water, so the jelly goes in warm, not cold.

I use vasaline all over the outside of the vagina and hairs. I trim the hairs short around the area of the insertion. I use baby oil on the rest of the area and legs. I use Astroglide on my tip.

Ask your husband to pick up a porno flick, and have it on the TV while you are in foreplay. It will help keep your husband hard, and get you in the mood as well. I have massage instruction videos. Have your husband massage your alluvial canals, on each side of your back-bone. Do back excercises.

Some women have a tight hyman. The hyman is often burst on initial sex. Some women simply strech their hyman, and it is not broken. Has a doctor examined your hyman?

If you have more muscle control you may be more comfortable. To practice vaginal muscle contnrol, you can practice squeezing your vagina muscles 5 times in a row, three times a day, or whatever regiman feel OK to you. If yo don't know what control of your vaginal muscles feel like, you can stop your urine, before the end of the nromal run. The muscles ussed to interrupt the flow of the urine, are in the same group.

Some countries have the practice of learning muscle control by inserting progressively larger balls into the mouth of the vagina, starting with a grape or a glass marble, and walking around with the ball held in the vagina. The progress to larger round objects. In the slang, this is called a Snapper Snatch.

Other posters have suggested what music to put on, or what visions to put in mind. Find something that works for you. In a movie, I remeber a lady said she just thought of canning peaches when her husband was making love. I never canned any peaches, and I don't know what part of canning peaches she was thinking about.

Did you mention what you are doing for birth control?

Post back

Quipper
Husband of 28 years, raised 2 challenging kids, still struggling

<small>[ November 13, 2003, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Quipper ]</small>

Just wanted to thank you all for the advise and solutions.
I think I am too stressed out because of it and I dont know how to get out of it. I dont know how to relax myself and how to make myself believe that its for once. We are still trying and uptil now all efforts failed.

We do use KY Jelly for extra lubrication but frankly speaking I do not need it. I think my husband is right that its all in my head. I do not have any past bad experiences yet I am scared.

If any of you come with up new ideas please do let me know. I really appreciate all your comments.

Take a look at webmd.com - vaginismus sounds like your problem and the good news is it's something that can be treated....Good luck!