I'm very upset about the scenario that is unfolding in my life. <BR>My fiancee, of 2 years, had an affair with his ex, whom he already has a child. This affair lasted for about 4 months. <BR>I found out about it on July 6, 2001. He told me, at work, that it happened. By asking me, "What is the worst thing I could do to you with the worst possible outcome?" Of course, I didn't want to voice my thoughts. It hurt to think about it too much. I later found out, that night, when I confronted her, that the last time they were together, was July 1, 2001.<BR>The worst part is she says that she is pregnant. <BR>I know that I can accept his first child. She happened before I even met him. But I keep looking down the line in the future. Can I really accept this child? Knowing it's not the child's fault, but can I resent it. I don't like to think of myself as a mean person, but I know I can't fake-love a child for the rest of my life. <BR>I know myself well enough to know that as of now, I cannot accept this child. I don't think I ever can. <BR>Does anyone think this may affect our future together? I'm thinking of leaving. The pain and images are still fresh in my mind, but I do love him. I just don't think I can love this child. <BR>- Jennifer<P>------------------<BR>Is it better to live in a dream or to die in reality?

I am so sorry you are going thru this mess...but you have come to the best place for support.....I too am new to this, but I have come a long way in the last 90 days and still have a ways to go. You are pretty normal in your thoughts of leaving right away. I still have those thoughts even as we speak. As I am learning thru counseling and therapy, it is too soon in the recovery process for you to be making that kind of decision right now. You need to be asking yourself specific questions about what you need from yourself and this man in order to see a future with him. Really look at the past relationship of the two of you and if you really love him and he is remorseful and shows repentance, then you should really think about working together to find a solution to your problems....I must warn you, it sounds much easier than it really is. Just keep talking to all these women who have come so far and have so many words of wisdom for us newbies...I really feel like I am too new to offer anything other than my words of comfort to you and hope that you will continue to talk to us here. We are all praying for you...........

Jennifer, <BR>there are at least two ways to look at this. One, like you're a wife, applying the affair-recovery and forever-marriage principles you can find here and elsewhere. Or two, you can cut your losses and run while you can! His behavior does not bode well for your future. <P>I wouldn't wish this mess on your future. Your guy will be paying ch-support for two kids for a loooong time, which could even effect your ability to afford kids of your own. I would look very carefully into just how compatible you two really are (pre-M counseling), whether you share the same values, because marriage should be for life! How do you imagine your marriage in 10, 20, or 40 years? Do you share enough values dreams and goals to survive? You don't have to love your step-kids, but you should be able to treat them with curtesy and respect, and I think that IF you stay together, he needs to have less contact w/exW, which makes you the go-between for visitation.... how does that feel?<P>Maybe he never "got over" her and you should give them another chance. I'm sure that's painful and I'm sorry but like I also said, I wouldn't wish this on you and likewise YOU could start over "fresh"--no marriage, no kids (I'm assuming). <P>Ultimately, Are you better off with him or without him??

tink -<P>I see one thing that is working in your favor: you are not MARRIED to this man. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, really think about what Jenny has said. Although I can tell from the tone of your post that you REALLY love this guy, it may not be worth all the pain. Are you sure that this type of behavior is not habitual - could it happen again? This woman and her children will be connected to you and your F -FOREVER. If he is not paying court ordered support, then she will be calling for this and for that and it just goes on and on. I really feel for you and hope that you can get to a place emotionally where you can make the best decision for YOU. Hugs to you!<P>PEACE to all!

Jenny,<P>I'm a huge proponent of rebuilding marriages. You will not see me say the word "divorce" unless something is extremely wrong.<P>You don't have a marriage, however. You should cut your losses and run. You probably could work through all this pain---but you don't have to.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Does anyone think this may affect our future together?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> The fact that he cheats on you, isn't over his ex, already has two children, and isn't even responsible enough to figure out how to use a condom? <P>Gee, it might.<P>He has already done "the worst thing" he could to you, and wants to saddle you with "the worst possible outcome". <P>Don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.<P>Regards,<BR>rs0522

Should you be taking a poll, of sorts, here's my vote:<P>Run like hell!

I agree with HHH, run while you have the chance we didn't. ember

Run. Don't look back except to use this as a guideline for how to make your next relationship better. <P>I lived with a man for 10 years who basically always had a "secret life" and felt totally ok with the fact that there were elements of his life that I didn't need to know about. Finally those secrect elements started to include a girlfriend, drugs, and a baby. You don't want to live with a man who would treat you with this type of regard. I promise you that you don't. <P>Take care...

tink_jso<P>I am in a similar situation. <P>Differences: Boyfriend and I started off as friends. I knew of his struggles after ex (WS) began putting guilt trips on him about keeping the family apart. He was not getting a lot of support from his family because she was telling his mother horrible things about us and telling her how sorry she was for the 5-year affair. In order to get everyone off his back, he went home to show everyone that going home was not the right thing for him to do. XW got pregnant. Why she got pregnant is obvious but why they had sex is a complicated subject.<P>I will be able to love the child but I have had a hard time getting past the pain that I have had to face over the past nine months and thinking about the situation once the baby is born (Aug 22). It is easy for people to tell us to get out of the situation. Sometimes I feel as though I want to run like hell and never look back. But, I do love him and he does love me. He did make a mistake. I guess we both have to decide if we can live with the mistake. How much emotional pain are we going to have to endure? <P>I will keep you in my prayers. I do know the struggles that you are going through. <P>Peace be with you.

One thing I've learned since H's afffair is that romantic love is CREATED (!!!!!!!!!!!!) and is so much a reflection of met or unmet needs, love-bank stuff. Read the Harley principles re: meeting each other's needs. People "fall in love" but it's a chemical thing. Real compatibility has to do with shared values and personalities and should be explored before marriage. Marriage is a PROMISE to commitment to each other "for better or worse" and "forsaking all others", "'til death do you part"!! Marriage is NOT "just 'til you don't feel like it any more" and when children are involved the marriage should get extra consideration because their futures are at stake too. <P>Sooooooo, the idea that you have to stay with someone because you're "in love", be it a boyfriend, a marriage, or an affair, is trash. There are better reasons. Affairs are fantasies and rarely last. We can usually grieve and move on from relationships. We think once we're married we'll just live "happily ever after" Cinderella style without any effort and are surprised when it falls apart 10 or 20 years down the road (I was!). Having values means sticking with your spouse until we've both given it 100% effort--fake it until you make it! The love comes with the effort! <P>Decisions about relationships need to be based on values and compatibility, not hormones and egos. What's the Right Thing to do??

Get the h*ll out of Dodge !!!!!!!!!!!

I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend had a one night stand with a woman he used to see before me. She didn't know about me, but when she told him she was pregnant, she was told about me, yet decided to keep the baby. My boyfriend did not tell me until the OC was 2 months old. By then we were already living together, engaged, and planning our life together. (He truly thought that when she said she would raise the baby without him, he would never hear from them again!! duh!!) Dday was almost 2 years ago, and as much as I have tried to "get over it", the hurt is still there and I'm sure at this point, it will never fully go away. I didn't want to give up because I do love him and I know he is sorry for everything and the pain he has caused. He lives with the guilt everyday.(And we are lucky because the OW is really a nice person and has done everything should can to make it easier for me.) However, I have finally asked him to move out. We still see each other, but this is the first step at least. As everyone above says, why should anyone go into a marriage with this baggage? Though I am pretty confident he would never do this again, there are enough issues to deal with in a marriage, and this one that I don't need! <BR> One thing I do regret is that I didn't take time for myself to think things through at the beginning. I was scared and I did everything I could to keep the relationship together. 2 years later I'm more attached to him, so it is even harder to let go. If nothing else, I would suggest to you to take as much time as you need for yourself and really think about what you want -- this baby (and the knowledge of him cheating) will be with you forever! Who knows, maybe being without him for awhile may make me (or you) decide that the situation is easier to deal with then living without him.<P>Good luck-my thoughts are with you. <BR>