Please, can anyone tell me how to resist? I stopped contact with OM 3 weeks ago and I am very sad today. H is very nice with me, but did a lot of LB last week, which made me think a LOT about OM. Affair ended 4 months ago.

You came to the right place for encouragement! I am not in withdrawal, but my H is.. I try very hard not to lovebust, and only have a couple of times since he has been hom (3 months). Just focus on the long term.. Take one day at a time.. Read the book called private lies.. Toward the end of the chapter it will list all the reasons you and om will never have a successful marriage should you divorce your H and marry om.. (Your chances for a successful marriage with om is about 3%).. Airheart is a person on this site you should turn to because he is also going through withdrawal.. Keep busy... You can do this!!!! Be strong... Come here when you get weak...

vy,<P>This withdrawal is really hard. I know! Here are some things I think about when the urge to contact the OP feels overpowering.<P>1. Remember the pain it caused my husband.<BR>2. Do I really want to do this to the OP?<BR>He is trying to recover also and can only do that without my contact.<BR>3. What is your goal in all this. Keep your mind focused on the solution (however difficult) that you want. Fulfilling marriage with your H or a broken marriage? Remember the reason you stopped contact in the first place! That reason is still compelling.<BR>4. Do I want to start the withdrawal all over again?<P>Please be strong. It will get better. Read books such as the Harley books offered here or Janis Spring After the Affair or Private Lies by Frank Pittman.. there are lots of others. Keep busy. Stay away from the computer if that's a temptation. <BR> <BR>TryingAgain<P>

Stand strong. You have come a long way, don't go backwards. I am sorry you are feeling sad, maybe could read a book or take in a movie. That might help get your mind off the sadness.<P>------------------<BR>A.K.A.<BR>PondVJ

Thank you so much for your encouragement. Let me tell you that in the past 4 months, we've seen a lot of movies...good and boring ones. We stay away from the romantic ones. <P>Which book should I read first? After the affair of Private Lies?<P>I know it's childish, but I really needed to hear "don't do it" from you guys. Since yesterday afternoon, H and I feel closer. Should I tell him that I'm sad? I don't want to hurt him, but he knows that there's something wrong...I mean I'm not feeling good as last night. (Last night was heavenly - first time in 4 months)

Hi VY -<P>I'm glad you got through the moment and whenever you have them - come and reread this thread or post again : we'll be here to help!!<P>As far as telling H, does he know about the stages of an affair and that you are in what is caused withdrawal? Perhaps he can benefit from some of the information that you are looking into like Dr Harleys material and Private Lies. It will help him to understand what to expect and what you are going through, just like it helps you know what he is going through.<P>Try to share this stuff with him - you both need to know it so that you can create the best marriage ever!!<P>Good Luck to you both.<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Hi Sheba,<P>Thanks for your reply. (By the way, I'm French, so my english might be strange sometimes).<P>My H does know about the withdrawal symptoms and also about MB site. I've printed a lot from it. We both see a therapist. I was wondering if I should tell him when then symptoms are strong. <P>I'm just back from the bookstore and I bought "After the affair". It should help also. Am I glad that I found this Forum! I will sure come back to read...and post! I need it...<BR>

Hi VY -<P>You are just fine with your writing.. My writing is strange sometimes and I'm American!!!! LOL!!!<P>I think that since H knows about withdrawal and such, then you should either ask him if he wants you to tell him when you have these feelings so that he doesn't think that it is something that he has done. Or if he can just remember that these feelings will come and go for you and that it is nothing of his doing.<P>Which do you think would be best for you and your H?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Sheba, what better than ask him if he wants to know or not?! He will probably say that he prefers to know...I've been married 20 years, so I know this man! He has been just great today, no LB at all. I just worried about how much I will suffer with W/S over the next week. I have no choice but to take it one day at a time. Hugs to you too!<p>[This message has been edited by vy (edited September 06, 1999).]

vy: I strongly recommend both books, After the Affair and Private Lies.. They both have some good things about what you are going through.. Try Private Lies first.. The best part that I liked is toward the end chapters, Pittman goes into whats called a Romantic Divorce, and Remarriage, and why the remarriage to the op does not work.. I will give you a few, wish I had it with me and I would write it for you.. 1)Guilt.. Guilty people tend to not be able to enjoy lifes pleasures the same as normal.. After you marry (if it even gets that far) the om, guilt will set in, and it will be even harder for you to enjoy the things in a marriage because of the guilt..2)Lack of a shared history.. You have no foundation.. Your only foundation is built on lies.. When you marry someone, think of how special it is to tell your friends and family about those dating years, or the fun times you had early on.. when you both think back, all you can think of is how you hurt so many people, you could never share these times with friends. 3) Lack of Trust.. Both partners... You will be thinking, I cant believe this person would sleep with a married woman.. He will be thinking, I cant believe she cheated on her H? when things are rough with us, could she do it to me? 4) Embarrasment. Loss of friends/ families: Good friends and family will have a very difficult time accepting the other person. You end up living more of a life away from your freinds,.. You will be embarrassed of the person, not proud... 5) Expectations... Divorces are very expensive lessons.. Financially and emotionally.. Your expectations of your marriage of op will be so high because you will be saying.. whatever cost this much financially and emotionally better have been damn well worth it! When the honeymoon is over and you realize that you traded one relationship for the other and lost so much, you will be very disappointed. 6)Nature of Romantic marriages and infidels... Your marriage will be based on the high of the affair, nothing more.. you have no foundation of what it takes for a successful marriage.. After the romatic love wheres off, you have nothing and have lost so much.. And this always happens.. Romantic love always fades and you wont have what it takes with om to grow into a mature love... Lies and deciet, hurt.. <BR>I wish I could remember them all, because it is great reading material.. In the book After the Affair, Springs has a great chapt. on Romantic Love.. She says so many times, that people in your situation want to make their choice of what to do base on what they "feel" and that can be a huge mistake.. Because you are feeling a lot of fantasy, and a romantic love which will fade.. She urges you to make your decision more deliberately.. almost a intellectual one... Think with your head.. go with that, and then work on your marriage to try to get your feelings back for him... Anyhow... Great reading.... You are on the right track... Its funny,,, I asked my H the other day.. If ow wasnt in picture, would you want to be married? He said yes.. I told him then you have to start thinking like that because the chances of you ever having a successfull relationship with her is close to 0.... Good luck and keep posting here for help... You are doing the right thing.. stay strong!@!!!!!

vy,<P>Wait a minute. If the OM is such a knight in shining armor, why are you having to call him? Shouldn't he be calling you?<P>Why should you be the one who feels the need to keep the roller coaster going? Why should you be the only one who is too weak to not call?<P><BR>

Mickey65,<P>Many thanks for your reply. As I said previously, I bought "After the Affair" yesterday and will buy the other one as soon as they have it in stock. Thanks also for writing so much on why it wouldn't work. That is a big big help! Last night, I told H that I was sad because of W/S. He was a little bummed but he understands (and will take it that way) that it is an addiction and that I have to go through suffering before it gets better. Hugs Mickey65 and I will stay strong...today! Tomorrow is not there yet! I've read that it's going good for you.... you stay strong too!

Cuckold,<P>Because he knows that I'm not suppose to write. Maybe he has a good reason to be stronger: If he writes and my H knows, he's afraid H will tell his W probably. My H has been very good. He would never do that - OM has children and doens't want to hurt them. H has enough problems on his side, he will let OM take care of his own.<P>

Wow, I really liked the post from mickey65! Some great things to think about for us betrayers. I'll have to see if I can find "Private Lies" around somewhere.<P>We just got "His Needs Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair" in the mail the other day. My wife and I are reading them now. I've read "After the Affair" also, but I must say that I was not very receptive to it at the time I read it. I was still neck-deep in withdrawal (and having contact with OW), so it did NOTHING for me.<P>My withdrawal has receded quite a bit since then. I'm only knee-deep now... <P>Anyway, vy -- I'm glad you came here instead of contacting the OM. It's what I used to do time and time again when I had those urges. It usually helped alot! (I DID cave in once, but that actually turned out to be a good thing cuz the OW told me that she was doing very well with her fiance... talk about a huge splash of cold water!!)<P>Good luck in staying away!<BR>--andy

Thanks airheart, you made me laugh with your last sentence! (Hope that doesn't sound bad) It's good to have some humour once in a while. Laughing helps to heal also. I'm probably knee-deep as well...will see as the days go by... Be blessed with your new job!

vy, You should absolutely lean on your H for support. Isn't that one on the reasons you got married in the first place?<P>Is he reading on this site?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Chris, H read on this site, and I told him last night that I was sad because of W/S. Read my previous reply in the same thread. But he will not come to read the posts since I write now. He doesn't want to embarrass me. He is very nice and doesn't want to LB more that he already did. I know that I am a very lucky woman!

Hey you all. I got my book back from H.. I will write a seperate post that lists all the reasons... Its great reading.. I will title the post Private Lies.. Look for it.

i don't know how anyone could choose to not contact their op while they are still in fantasy love.<BR>i tried to resist contacting my ow. i said to myself that men had been leaving their mistresses since the beginning of time, like when solders were shipped overseas or back home. i knew it was the right thing to do. it lasted less than a week. i walked around totally preoccupied with thoughts of the ow. i caved.<BR>i would have gone the distance with the ow if we had worked out between us. fortunately, it's still a little troubling for me to say, i got over her and now rarely feel or think romanticly of her. still there are times, like when i'm traveling on business and i have to fly into a praticular airport, i feel a longing to go back in time and be with her. i guess those feelings,in time, will fade to black.