I replied to a post and had a very depressing thought, Do you all realize that this will never go away, the OC will always be out there somewhere, The OW will be out there too, There is no magic button to make it all dissapear you know,
the only thing that would end the connection is death, I know this is depressing but in all honesty has any of you wished the Ow would just die? I have, I hear about accidents in her town and wish it was her, It will never go away ever no matter how you and your husband patch the relationship the scar will always be there, I am so sorry for doing this but I have to get it off my chest, my family does not know and the only friend I have is my husband so I have no one to talk to about this, only here can I say it,I sometimes just want to get out of it all. leave and start new in another place just me and my children, leave my Husband to his own self and just forget it ever happened. Am I the only one to feel this way???

never forget,<p>Don't feel bad, my thoughts have gone sicker. everytime my husband says how much he hates the ow and wishes she was dead. I remind him that then the state would take custody of the oc, and then we have to pay new amounts all the time because they would always have access to our money. That it doesn't matter how much he hates the ow, that only the death of oc, would end it.
And then he once again realizes how trapped of a situation this is.<p>no I am not wishing the death of the oc. I just tell my husband the scenario when he gets so upset at the ow. A reminder that once again it was their choice, not the oc. I hope and pray that the oc never comes calling, for her sake. If my h seems like a illusion it will be better. Because that full impact would be rough. My h will have nothing to do with the oc, no matter what. She would be told that he will have nothing to do with her, and to stay away from him and his family. That is a possible sad moment.<p>I got off on a tangent, I just wanted to say, yes, yes,yes, I understand. It is harder to always feel and act like the better person. But I keep trying. I think I have done well not to go after the ow, lord knows we have all wanted to.<p>babstr.

Neverforget,
Oh yes I have those feelings, and this weekend I am having my own little pity party. I sometimes think to myself, I have been thru so much over the years healthwise and have survived cancer, there must be a reason why I am still around, I am trying to figure it out. As for wishing demise of OW, no way, that would me those two OC coming to live with us permanately. I am too old to raise those children, and have no desire what so ever. I told my H that would be the day that I leave. Uncharitable, selfish, that is me, I didn't ask for this. I do my best to cope with the visitation schedule. I keep telling myself it takes time. My apoligies also for a depressing post. H is on his way now to pick up OW for a visit, and if it is anything like the last two visits, it will be horendous.
Tina

I hope I have not started something here with my malaise and dark thoughts.<p>neverforget-we all obsess and think these things. It is absolutely normal to have these feelings and thoughts and in some ways, they are even healthy-for a time. It is a kind of 'purging' of our demons to fantasize that the OW has fallen [censored] over teakettle down a flight of rickety stairs and quietly say to ourselves, "There! This is what you get for what you have done to me".<p>But, "vengeance in mine, saith the Lord" and everyone pays for their sins and especially willfully hurting other human beings in their quest to take from others what rightfully belongs to another...especially something as sacred as the marriage/family.<p>The things we must all remember that it is our spouses who have introduced this horror into our lives. They are the ones who must make restitution; first to God and then to us for violating the marriage, the trust and breaking the vows. Because we live with them day to day and see their remorse and regret, it is easier to shift the blame to the OW who is delighting in her revenge, who is making our lives very uncomfortable by taking huge income shares out of our households for an OC that never should have been, that should have been given up for adoption. To have to live with the knowledge that our marriages were not as strong as we thought they were or that our spouses were no the stellar people we trusted and respected, is the hardest part because we then question ourselves, our perspective and wonder if we were lying to ourselves...wondering how we could have missed the sings or felt helpless to do anything when the signs showed up, or like me, was in denial. <p>No matter how you cut it, the anger and resentment takes on a life of it's own and it is, unfortunately, our job to find a way to release ourselves from this destructive mindset. Just know your thoughts and feelings are normal for a time; just don't wallow in it too long.<p>Love

neverforget, I know I have thought of so many diffrent things that could happen to ow, oc or my h some are sick some are funny. I dont have any of these thoughts anymore unless she tries to pull more crap with the child support. I have to say when I read the post about the black dildo taped to the window my thoughts were Its a wonder the ow didnt find my h penis taped to her windshield. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
with love, flowerseed

Neverforget,<p> Don't feel bad about your thoughts regarding ow and oc. I know that I have felt the same way. Some days my thoughts are less violent than others, but I must admit that I am very guilty of wishing the worst case scenario for ow (right now she is 4 mo pregnant). Each and every day i hope that she miscarries. Sometimes I scream so loud when no one is home that i wish it would blast the baby right out of her, not a nice thought i know. I wish that i would get a phone call from my h saying that ow was in a really bad accident and she might die, or the baby can't be saved or something like that. <p> Although i have these thoughts i also know that God will allow this birth if it is his will. You're very right about the scar that will always be there in the marriage. If my marriage is reconciled, I will live with the scar knowing that God will give us the strength daily to overcome all remnants of the trials we have suffered. Sometimes I take myself back to the day that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, for my h's sins. We will never know the pain that Jesus experienced when he took on ALL of our sins. This truth helps me to realize that my lot pales beside what the Lord did when saved us from a real hell. <p> Prayers and Big Hugs,
Julia<p>[ November 04, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Bless your new message..it's just what I needed to hear.. Obviously you are new to this situation as am I. The OW in my scenario supposedly has a brain tumor (maybe that's why she had a lapse in sense to get involved with MM!!!!!) Oh how I have wished for her to go away and take the OC with her to a place above all all understanding!!! But, we are not placed in this situation to get out of our suffering easy....Our lessons are greater than that. Don't think for a minute that your thoughts are wrong....They are yours and embrace them; just acknowledge the anger you have and deal with it appropriately (whatever that means!)I don't know how new you are to your situation, but please don't stop posting here. You will get so much from hearing from others who are in the same boat. Know that we all feel your pain and want you to feel better. Hang in there and send back a message.

Yesterday was a bad day and today is a bit better, but stilll everyday I wish bad things on her I really do, I know she is dating someone and I really want to know who it is so I can ruin her relationship with him somehow, but I know in my mind that the only reason he is with her is for the free blows she hands out because she is so ugly and such a ***** it is the only way a guy would even look at her much less sleep with her, but hey I could always give him a paper bag for her head, LOL I am so funny the black dildo was only the beginning hope she is enjoying it [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I think that when you wish bad things upon another the resdiual effect is that it comes back on you and your loved ones. I know if something happend to the OW we go after custody of the OC. I refuse to pay child support to another person. Also, he would have greater rights to her if mother is dead. However, I do not wish her ill.
My fondest wish is that she would find a man of her own, marry him and he would love the child as much as the mother and want to adopt her. Then we are off the hook financially and later hopefully.
We have no contact, provide child support every month. My H has no desire to parent a child he did not want conceived in the first place.
We did offer to take the OC and raise her with our children, but the OW was adamant that she couldn't give up her child, a gift from God.
So like you I live in fear of that knock on the door, but since she is the youngest of all the children and is only 8 now, it will be 10 years I think/hope before she tries to contact us.
Don't let this situation embitter you more than it already has. At this point you cannot change things you must first endure, then conquer the feelings. Make your life the best you can and in that way you defeat the person who despoiled your life and your marriage.
Just my thoughts,
TG

neverforget: I hear you! It's normal to have thoughts, I have those often. Some days are better than others and that's the aftermath of affairs. I have been researching relinquishing parental rights of my h so that he will not have to pay child supp. Is this cruel? I read somehwere where you can do that. If something ever happened to the ow, my h would be responsible for her welfare..but it's so strange because he doesn't acknowledge her as his child. I think his rights should be relinquished because he doesn't know what's best for her, someone close to her would..not him..frankly, I don't want any involvement in the situation, it's such an oxy moron to say that, I stay with him after he does this to me, yet I want no ivolvement in the situtation, it can make one lose their sanity, values...? doesn't it?

I can relate to your depressing post. I feel the exact same way. I have a very controlling husband who never lets me leave the house because I might find someone else. I could never convince him that I wasn't looking. I was always OK with him leaving for nights out with the guys, hunting trips, concerts, etc...
Last year he took a short term job overseas so we could pay off our house. Prior to one of my overseas visits, I knew something was amiss. I wasn't with him an hour when I told him I wanted to know who she was. He denied things for a few minutes, but I wouldn't let up. He finally confessed to spending time with a woman. Or, in his giggling words, "Well, she's not exactly a woman. She's 23 years old." I am 34, so you can imagine how that made me feel. I then asked him if he loved her, and he said he didn't know. I have never been so sick in my life. I was 5000 miles away from home, and I was sitting across from this guy I didn't even know anymore. I cried for two days straight, and all he could tell me was that they hadn't had sex. I told him that he could have had sex with 50 women and it wouldn't have hurt me as much as being told that he didn't know if he was in love with someone else.
I was also very angry over the fact he mistrusted me all of our marriage, and he was the one who should have been mistrusted. I am not the one who screwed up.
I am still with my husband, but I am not happy. The ONLY reason I am still here is because we have four children. Some days I wish I wouldn't have interfered with his new found romance. I should have let her put up with his bull****. I will NEVER forget what happened. Sex, I could have forgotten, but this love stuff has left a scar that has ruined any chance we ever had. Every time I look at him, I wonder what made him stay with us, and I don't like the answers that I come up with.
Just know that you have a sister out here that's with ya all the way!

affairs. I have been researching relinquishing parental rights of my h so that he will not have to pay child supp. Is this cruel? I read somehwere where you can do that. <p> unfortunately no there is NO state where a father can give up rights just because they want to or to avoid paying cs. if the mother pursues it and there is another man willing to adopt then yes but that is the only way at least that is what our lawyers told us.