I read a reply of yours on another thread and wanted ot ask you a question. My wife is about two months pregnant with another mans child. We have three of our own, 5, 7, and 9. Married ten years. My oldest son does have a very basic understanding of sex. I'm really struggling with what we are going to tell them in another months or so when the pregnancy is obvious. She left our home in June and we are not together. How are you going to deal with this with your kids?

Tough question!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are in a different situation than I am, yet the same,isn't it?<p>I do wish that we would've went about telling our children in a different way than we did. I wish that we would've asked a couselor first, but it didn't happen that way. We don't talk about the baby thing alot, but we do discuss other issues related to the affair. Problem-solving in healthy ways, communication, honesty, what alcohol can do to you (dh was drunk and coked up at the time), etc. <p>Do you want to tell them? Does your wife want to tell them? What feels right for you and your family regarding this issue?

Not telling them is not an option, as I see it. This pregnancy is a result of my wife's third infidelity. Although I've not totally shut the door on her, it will be a long while, if ever, before we ever live together again. In other words, she will have this baby on her own and our three children will be asking if it's my baby, or they will just assume it is, or whatever and those issues will have to be dealt with. What regrets do you have about the way you told them?

P51,<p>I am not trying to barge in here, but I have been where your W is. I had 2 seperate A's, the last resulting in pregnancy. My H and I have been married almost 13 yrs now, and we have 2 children, ages 11 and 9. At this time, they do not know that their sister was not created from H and me. I'm not sure when we will tell them. H and I had another child when in high school that we put up for adoption, and the children know about her. Because of that, we have a little edge to telling them about Abbi, but haven't felt the time is right at this point. Also because of the older sister(she will be 14 next month) we have talked to the kids about sex and stuff, so they understand a lot more than most kids their age. We have been very open about it, and hope that they learn from our mistakes. At this time, we are just going where the Lord leads us in respect to telling the kids. Eventually they will know, but right now is not the time. I don't feel there is any "perfect" time for something like this, you just need to pray about it, and listen to God's urging.<p>Hope I helped in some way.<p>Tigger

Tigger,
Thanks for your reply. Your situation is very interesting to me. Can I assume that you are a Christian by your remark about the Lord? It sounds like your husband and you are still together? How has he dealt with the other child? How have you restored any trust? I know that's biting into a big apple. It sounds like he was in my shoes at one point. Was there ever a question about trying to work things out?

P51,<p>Yes, we are Christians. Our story is a little different, as my H had also had multiple A's as well. We are both still working on our marriage, as it is something you can never work on enough! We had chosen to stay together before we knew about the pregnancy. I have posted our story many times, and if you would like to have the whole thing, I can post it again. As you would imagine, it is quite a long story, but one that we are very willing to share, especially if it will help others in our shoes.<p>Now, for your other questions about trust and stuff. Well, to be honest, there was nothing I could do, exactly to restore that trust, other than be open about everything. We had many days where he would call, just because he wanted to be sure I was were I was supposed to be. I would also tell him where I was going if I was going to leave the house for any reason. Of course, it went both ways in our situation. I wouldn't call often when he was at work, but if I was worried, I would make that call. It's hard to just tell you or your W how to restore that trust. You always have that chance that you are setting yourself up to be hurt again. It is something that you need to decide for yourself, whether to trust your W again or not. Having an A is THE most selfish thing a person could do. They don't think about anyone but themselves while they are caught up in the A.<p>You should definately seek counseling together, if you want to repair the marriage. It is something that my H and I haven't done, but that is because we did try it once, and look where that got us. But, we also didn't choose our counselor very wisely either. We have basically put our marriage in God's hands, and have been fairly happy since D-day.<p>During the pregnancy was the hardest for my H. But, since Abbi was born, he loves her as his own, and she is, in every way that really matters! During the pregnancy, he was there for me. To support me and "hold my hand" when he could. He was at almost every doctor's appointment, and she was the only baby that he cut the cord for. And I feel that he wasn't totally sure about his decission until he held her in his arms. But, it is a decission that you need to make for yourself, and it isn't necessarily right for everyone. You need to look deep inside yourself, and see if it is something you can live with.<p>I don't know if I was of much help, and please feel free to ask me anything. I will answer it if I can.<p>Tigger

Our story is long as well. First affair in '98. Wife came clean because she was overcome by guilt. Discovered Marriage Builders. Attended two Family Dynamics courses (based on Harely's material). Became trained facilitators of 8 week His Needs Her Needs course and actually led one. Three couples on the verge of splitting up are still together today as a result of that course. Since then two more affairs, first one brief, second one resulted in pregnancy. I'm completely at a loss as to how someone with a complete understanding of the devestation of an affair could go out and do something so selfish to her husband and three kids. Again. The first affair I can attribute to unmet needs, being niave about affairs, etc... but I can't explain a second and third one. She is not a sex addict, unless it has been totally suppressed for ten years. Now that my wife is pregnant, she is completely embarrassed in front of her friends family and church, and apparently is being enlightend about her sin, and this problem is compounded by the fact that the father can be likened to Fatal Attraction. Seriously. Whew. That is a very, very condensed version of the last three years. I just don't know how I could trust her again. I still love her with all my heart, though. I miss her badly, but when is enough enough?

P51......I need to ask you this. Do you want to tell the children because you feel that they need to know or do you want to tell them to punish your wife for having 3 affairs? I certainly understand if you were feeling that you wanted her to hurt just as much as you do.<p>I regret that my children didn't know about making love and how special it is when they are ready. Instead, they get to know about sex when you're drunk and cheating on your spouse. (we weren't that tactless, I don't think) It's not a pretty picture!<p>As I said on another thread, I really didn't have much of a choice to keep this a secret anyways. My WS's aunt is babysitting this boy. All of my in-laws knew, the ow woman told many people, the oc says "daddy ****" (my H has never seen the child). I didn't want my children to find out the way that I did....from someone else. <p>Every family has secrets, I suppose. For me, I think that these kind of secrets are more harmful than good. I think that if people choose to come out with their secrets, it needs to be for the right reasons and at the appropriate time. Gee, is there ever a good time to tell the people that you love that there's another child in your life and how they were conceived?! It really makes me mad that my children even have to deal with this at all.<p>Oh, my H told my children without me around and that made me very angry!!! He should've waited for me to be there too.<p>I wish you all the best. This is not an easy thing as we all know!!!

tinlizzy,
Thanks for your directness. I think I can honestly say I have no desire to punish my wife. I actually hurt for her. Yes, I'm angry and incredibly hurt, but I can imagine the darkness I would feel if I had made decisions that put me in the place where she is. As far as the children, I believe in age appropriate honesty. I don't want to decieve the kids. I don't want to hurt or confuse them, either. It's very confusing to me. I'm sorry to be ignorant, but what does "daddy****" mean? You said, "It really makes me mad that my children even have to deal with this at all." I completely identify with this through the pit of my soul. My wife is not realy showing yet, but she has become uncomfortable in jeans. She said to me the other day, "I know I'm going to become more repulsive to you as I get bigger, but...." and then she cried and never finished. I didn't know what to say. Sorry so jumbled. The weight of this ordeal seems too much at times. I can't tell the kids that the child is mine because I don't know if we will come back together. My wife needs to deal with the issues that cause her to seek other men, and I don't feel that will happen in weeks or months. So the baby will arrive before we do, if ever, get back together.

P51,<p>I don't know of any more advice regarding your question about enough being enough. I do know that in our situation, my H has had many A's, but it took what happend with my 2nd to kick him in the a$$ to open his eyes to what he really wanted. Luckily, none of his A's resulted in a C, which I am very greatful for. I don't know if I could be as strong as the other women on this board in dealing with the OW. I do know that I had wished to run into the OW from out here after I found out about her. See, she was supposed to be my friend, and support when H left. Of course, she didn't really want my friendship, so I had no support from her, and I "found" my own "friend", which blew up in my face! I take my full blame in what happened, but I would have loved to give OW a piece of my mind about how she betrayed me! But, to get back to what I was going to say, I have forgiven my H for what he had done, and even though it is hard at times, I do trust him again. Those times it is hard is when I dwell on the negative instead of the positive. <p>I know that it is a very difficult time you have ahead of you. From what you have written, your W is also having a hard time with her consequences. Have you talked about whether to keep the baby or put it up for adoption? I know that is a very difficult decision, as I have put a child up for adoption myself. That is one of the reasons my H decided to keep Abbi and raise her, because he went through the adoption and greiving process with me.<p>Thinking about your situation, about telling the kids, and what to tell them. Maybe you could sit them down, and just say, "This may be hard to understand, but Mommy has made a mistake. She is sorry for that mistake, but there is a consequence to her mistake, and that is she is going to have a baby. Now, this baby will be your brother or sister, but it is not Daddy's baby." Now, this next part would depend on where you both feel your marriage is going, if you feel you can repair the damage that has been done, and are willing to raise this baby(does OM know?) you could say, "Even though it is not Daddy's baby, he loves it just as much as you 2 and that is the most important thing that matters." Or, if you both decide that adoption is the route to take, "We feel that this baby is God's gift to another family who is not able to have babies of their own." Again, I don't know the "right" time to tell the kids. We still haven't told ours, and don't know exactly when that will happen. I would definately pray about it, and go where the Lord leads you.<p>Again, I hope I am being helpful.<p>Tigger

P51, Sorry, the ****'s were to mean his name. So the oc child refers to his daddy as daddy Tom (if that were my H's name). Did that make sense?!<p>It's tough to be in this situation for sure. I imagine that it's much harder when you and your wife went through all the hard work of recovering from previous affairs. It sounds like you both read all the books, went to the seminars, etc. and it still happened again. That really scares me! Would you mind talking about why you/she thinks that it happened again after all that hard work?<p>I know that the only reason I found out about this oc and affair was because someone else told me. The only reason that he admitted it was because of the child. I think he's cheated before, but he won't admit it. It's scary to trust him because honesty has never been his strong point. I think that he's between a born liar and an avoid trouble liar. I haven't figured out which one yet!<p>I really feel for you. Maybe this pregnancy is the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. Maybe she'd done fooling around now. I don't know if I would want to hang around to find out either. I do believe in acting out of love, but don't forget to love yourself too!<p>As you know, I think that it's an ok thing to tell your family. They'll figure it out eventually and wonder why you didn't trust them. Just make sure that it's age appropriate and in a kind way. My parents are divorced and they talked badly about each other all the time. That all backfired on them! <p>peace~

Tig,
The adoption thing is not really an issue for us. I certainly understand it, but my wife would have incredible guilt issues with it. I&#8217;ll answer tinlizzy and maybe you&#8217;ll understand the guilt. I appreciate your input.<p>Tin,
This could take a while, but if you want to understand why I think this happened again, I&#8217;ll have to pretty much give you the whole story. My wife&#8217;s father fooled around on her mother and then left he family when she was 11. The maternal side of the family was torn apart and very angry. Unfortunately they encouraged anger and resentment in my wife and her brother towards their father. They were successful with my brother-in-law as he now hates his father and is incapable of participating in a healthy relationship. My wife never wanted to stop being &#8220;daddy&#8217;s girl&#8221; and sought after him through thoughts, prayers, letters and songs. When she was 16 she went to live with him much to the dismay of her family. He had remarried and had two stepdaughters. My wife (going through the typical teen-age rebellion) found that life was not rosy there, and I think she wasn&#8217;t really wanted. She sought refuge from all her pain in her boyfriend and gave up all her personal convictions and morals seeking to feel loved.

Fast-forward a few years through several boyfriends, drinking, etc, and I enter the picture. (Actually I was always in the picture; I&#8217;ve know her since second grade, but this is when it became more) I wasn&#8217;t a perfect kid, but I stayed away from drinking and sex. I always wanted to only share the sexual experience with one person. In the normal process of dating when we discussed prior experiences, I was very disappointed. Unrightfully so, I felt cheated. I could have walked away from the relationship and never looked back. But I was totally head over heels in love with her. One of my biggest screw-ups occurred at this point. One night after a date, I incessantly badgered her about all the details of her sexual history, which she felt horrible about. She was crying and I trampled her heart with my uncalled for meanness. I hurt her very badly that night. Truthfully, I had a very hard time letting go of her past, and never fully did until after the first affair.<p>Fast froward again&#8230; Three beautiful children came along. Married life and family life was good. Not perfect, but whose is. Then in &#8217;98 she began an affair with a close friend of ours. Typical stuff&#8230; He was unhappy in his marriage; she never felt that I fully accepted her. Of course he said every right word and she began to think she married the wrong person, and so on, and so on&#8230; She confessed this affair to me and we worked through it using Family Dynamics (Harley&#8217;s material). Things seemed good again and within a year or so the affair was far behind us. Or so I thought.<p>In the fall of &#8217;00 she abruptly announced that she was moving out. I tried to get her to slow down, but she wouldn&#8217;t listen to anyone. She insisted there was no one else. Just that she never really loved me, we were just too different, she didn&#8217;t &#8220;really mean it&#8221; when we got married, etc. The usual cop-outs. Long story short, I found out that she was seeing someone else and she actually went and spent the night in a hotel with him. I confronted her she admitted it, but states to this day that she didn&#8217;t have sex with him and I believe her, actually. But that &#8216;s a whole different discussion&#8230;. The end result was she stayed. Which was a mistake on my part, looking back. She should have gone then. <p>Through the winter things were stable. I knew we had to deal with what had happened, but I was trying to just love her and give her a chance to seek counseling on her own. (I was in counseling but she had no interest). Eventually she started going to counseling on her own. My counselor warned me that things would probably get worse before they got better, because she explained, people begin to hurt worse as they really look at the issues, before they begin to resolve them and healing can take place. Well apparently, my wife found it easier to run away form the problems than to face them, because after about three or four sessions, she stopped going and announced that she should have left in the fall and was going to move out. Again, there was no one else.<p>She did in fact leave this time and we did the half-and-half thing with the kids. I pretty much knew already, but found out for certain that she was seeing someone. When she didn&#8217;t have the kids she could never be found, and when the kids asked her where she was (on the phone) she always gave them vague answers. Well her new relationship went sour within about four months. She came to me in tears and confessed to me what I already knew, except for dropping the bomb about the pregnancy. The guy was a real jerk and had manipulated her in every way, and she was scared of him. I&#8217;ll spare the details of all that. She spent a week with friends from church before she decided she was going back to him to make it work. She felt he was the only chance this baby had for a father, and he was the only one again that would give her any acceptance. She went back and actually lived with him for a week and a half utterly destroying her family and all trust that anyone had for her. By the end of that week and a half she couldn&#8217;t take him anymore. Surprise. She is now living at her mothers temporarily. She is trying to find a job and a place to live. And she wont&#8217; come right out and say it because she&#8217;s afraid of my response, but I can tell she wants to try to work things out.<p>Sorry this is so long and even at this length it has many, many holes in it, but here&#8217;s the gist of why I think this is a recurring thing&#8230;<p>I believe that she has had a hole in her life that only God can fill. I believe she has expected me to be more than a husband could possibly ever be, and when I couldn&#8217;t meet her expectations she sought to fill that gap elsewhere. I also think she has lived with a lot of guilt over many poor decisions in her life that she has never handled appropriately. I don&#8217;t think she loves or respects herself.<p>Sorry so long and spotty&#8230; I&#8217;m running out of gas.

P51<p>Thanks for sharing your story. How are things going?