Actually, It is the want for a child, my H has only known this girl for 5-6 months. He is concerned that it may not be what he wants but he knows now in his heart that he wants to spend every waking moment with this child. He said that is all he needed to complete his life before all this happened and today I pointed out that his life is not complete if he leaves because then he wont have me. So yes she gave him something that he wanted dearly and I also think he is still confused about wether to stay or go 5-6 months vs 10 years and there was 85% good times and 15% bad in our marriage. I think it is worth fighting for , but again its not my decision. <p>I look to the lord everyday for strength. <p>Jessica

Jessica,
You are in my prayers. And I know that you will be strong through this. You have every right to expect him to make up his mind, and I commend you for letting him know that he couldn't have it both ways. Stay strong.

Jessica, <p>I, too, am sorry for your pain. I hope in some small way, you can be comforted in knowing that we all care about you and share in your sadness because we all feel it too.<p>My h at one point didn't know what to do either. He told me that he had strong feelings for her and not to get my hopes up. I told him that he needed to leave our home because he just wasn't being a loving, faithful, and God-minded husband and it was wrong to live together still knowing that he yearned or "burned" for this ow still. Well, he left (we had no contact, he came home only when i was working to get laundry or whatever). What I want to share with you though is that he was back in 30 days on his knees asking for forgiveness and asking that i support him and stay behind him as his wife. He groveled basically. <p>I prayed relentlessly, wrote in my journal, prayed in my journal, just absorbed myself in God's presence for those 30 days and really not knowing what the outcome was going to be. Thank God he came home, but the problems don't disappear of course, now we have more issues, but that is another post. <p>I just pray for your marriage to be reconciled and that your h "wake up" and BE a husband, because he is not being one right now. YOU come first, then the child, he needs to know that and take it to heart. Pray that God helps him see clearly.<p>God will get you through this, just you and Him.
Julia

Update:<p>H is now wondering if OC is even his. So he has decided to stay at home. I had told both H and OW that there would be no relationship between them as long as H was here with me. The only contact there would be with her would be in regards to the child. H and OW said they understood, but last night H asked me if he could go to the movies with OW on Tuesday for her B-Day. I looked at him and thought did he just say what I thought he said. Then I replied NO!!. He said why not we are just friends, and I told him you are not just friends you had an affair you were lovers and now maybe the parents of a OC. He became upset and told me that **** was never gonna change. I went to bed to think. That is all I ever do THINK THINK THINK. I came to a decision that I was willing to stand by my husband when I first found out this was going on, and I asked for no secrets which is why he ASKED if he could take her to the movies. I was scared that he would walk out the door , but frankly today I would like to throw his A!! out the door. Comon who do they think I am, maybe with me telling him to get out instead of crying and hoping he doesnt he will open his eyes. I have been understanding and I have been willing to make things work, but its not worth if this is the way he wants things. Its time for Jessica to be concerned with Jessica and I will NOT be anybody's doormat not even my husbands.<p>Jessica

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Oh Jessica that is cruel or just plain stupid on h part. So sorry your h is acting like this. Ya know my h did a lot of stupid and cruel things also but it was before I knew of the cheating. I kind of am thinking these guys do this cause they don&#8217;t know what they want.<p>When my h seen that he had pushed me to far he finally figured out what he wanted. That was only after I blew up one day and told him I had enough we were through. I had told him you wont talk to me. I sick of doing all the trying while you do all the taking. It wasn&#8217;t worded that nicely. He said he would leave.<p> I was to the point I didn&#8217;t care. I remember getting home from work laying out in the sun and just going about my day as if life would be fine without him. I had told him I was going to fix up the room upstairs in the barn we just built and rent it out. I think that really blew his mind.He seen that I had truly been thinking on doing without him. I had just refinanced my house so we could build it and that was one thing we argued about a lot. I was always worried about how I was going to pay for it without him. I to got sick of being that door matt. It was for around 6 months till I got to the point that I hated him. I was to the point of thinking of how nice it would be if he just fell over dead (Sorry about that but I really felt that way). <p>I don&#8217;t really know what made him finally figure out what he wanted. Which was his family and me but only after he had pushed so hard that we wanted him no more. I think what they do is when they don&#8217;t know what they want they push and push to try to push you away. That way they don&#8217;t have to look like the one that left. The other thing it could be is these guys think we don&#8217;t really care when we take this kind of treatment. I never really did figure it out but one thing is for sure I don&#8217;t take no more of it not one bit. <p>I know when I flipped that door matt over to the side that says wipe your own a** I got a major change in attitude. He then told me what he had done and started putting some major effort into repairing it.
I kind of think that&#8217;s how plan B works it&#8217;s just not put that way. I know if I would have done that sooner I don&#8217;t think it would have took me so long to stop hating my h.<p>I&#8217;m canning venison so I have been hoping back and forth I hope this all makes sence.<p> With love flowerseed

OMG!!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I dont know what to say. That is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard. Is H at all familiar with MB philosophies? No offense, but is your H that naive or just plain clueless, or both? Girl, you hang in there. My sirens are going off double time with this one. I will be praying for God to show your H the light.

You might want to read Harley's book "Surviving an Affair." It sounds like your husband is waffling and in a fog. It doesn't sound like he is in love with the OW either. I think you should go into Plan A (fill his EN and avoid love busters) because he can't make clear decisions right now and the baby is complicating matters.<p>What are Plan A and Plan B?
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
But what can a betrayed spouse do when the unfaithful spouse refuses to totally separate from the lover? That's where plan A and plan B come to the rescue. <p>Let me quote from "Surviving an Affair:" <p>You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover (over the betrayed spouse), there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that's not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will. <p>But for the betrayed spouse, waiting for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The wayward spouse can't seem to make up his or her mind--one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation--the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death--I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence--plan A followed by plan B--represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse.<hr></blockquote>

Can this get any worse?<p>see what I posted in Plan A/B and please let me know what you all think. Thank You<p>******************************************
I originally posted on Pregnancy/Child. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 6 years. Last week was the first whole week of me knowing about A that resulted in OC. I cried, got mad, I am in therapy, tried to kill myself and the list goes on. I went to church and kept god in my thoughts all last week. I have put our love in god's hands and am working on being strong.
H could not make a decision on wether he wanted to stay with me and work on our problems, or go with OW and have a relationship for child. So he had me crying on one side and her crying on another, and he decided that he would not choose either one. That does upset me. But I have choosen to sit back and do things his way. This is how it will go. H will stay here but sleep in living room (yeah right). H will go where he pleases and talk to whomever he pleases and I will not ask any questions as I will do the same. I know he will talk to her, but she will go crazy just because he is here with me. YOu know this may not be one of the smarter decisions here, but I am willing to try anything. We do make each other happy and he has admitted that he loves me but is no longer "in love" with me, SO I will be myself, stop crying and be strong to bring him back. I will continue to pray, have faith and believe that things will get better. He does love me , he is here with me, and I am involved in their relationship because OW and I do talk to each other. So today is Day 1 of this awkward relationship, Day 1 of me being strong and Day 1 of new hope that things will work out.<p>My husband has this belief that if we do this , by becoming friends and realizing all the problems we had that led up to the A then we can work on those and get through this. I hope all goes well, and I will look to the Lord to find my strength. <p>Jessica

Please respond,

Jessica, my heart breaks for you. I have been in your shoes, to a degree, when my wife left me to live with another man. I suggest you drop everything you are doing and run to the nearest bookstore to pick up James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. I've seen this difficult process in my own life and know that for you let him take advantage of you will not bring him closer, but ultimately only push him away. I've lived (am living ) this in my own life. I know I'm butting in, having not been a part of this 'till now, but I believe whole heartedly in Dobson's theory. Your husband will only lose more and more respect for you if you let him have his cake and eat it too. If you have any questions about this, I'll be glad to try to help you.

OMG Jessica,<p>Are you married to my husband...or rather...my husband earlier this year?<p>I swear I think all men who are in "the fog" use the phrase: "I love you, I'm just not in love with you."<p>I heard that more time than I care to remember.<p>Now I hear: "I love you more today than I ever have."<p>Stay strong sweetie, he is in a fog. To ask you such an aweful question proves it.<p>You have two choices...one: play nice and sweet and hope he slithers out of the fog or two: jolt his behind into reality.<p>It really depends on your personality type and what he responds best to. For my H it was the reality of divorce and the lifestyle that would result for us, our kids, our family (in-laws) etc. Combined with the fact that we had hit rock bottom and just decided to put it into God's hands.<p>I believe it was Catnip or CD that did a sort of living arrangements you mentioned. Where H still dated and saw OW while living with wife. She would be a good one to seek advice on this arrangement you are proposing.<p>Come on regulars... help me out. was it Catnip or CD??? Sorry, I'm getting old and senile.<p>Anyway...please do some soul searching and explore your options. And most of all pray. If you turn it over to him he'll show you the way. He always does.<p>Please post an update,
Z.

Jesica I wrote you a book but wasn't logged in.<p>Sorry no time to repeat.<p>Do not put up w/this shi*....you will lose all love for H.....<p>Prayers of peace.
Love
Debi

UPDATE!!!<p>Ok, so for her birthday they did go out for a few hours all they say they have talked about is the fact that he loves me very much and that he does not want to hurt me anymore but he does not know what to do. I decided that the contact would more than likely not stop due to her. He talks with her daily to see how she is doing, feeling etc. But honestly I am going INSANE!! as much as I thought I could do this it gets harder as time passes. My H is a very Dominant person and she is as well. I on the other hand am Passive. SO they have these horrible arguements with each other and then she calls that she is sorry. I do not know where we are going with all this but I am more than sure that I will be going to Plan A very soon with no contact between them. I make sure not to do any LB's but it is so damn hard, I see myself being angry now, but H is really trying to please everybody but himself. I dont want the body without the heart and soul. I have talked with OW, I cant hate her even though they did not consider my feelings when they were out motel hopping. There is a child involved and if my H and I begin to recover she will always be a part of our lives and I can accept that, it is the emotional roller coster that we are all on that I do not want to deal with and I know that I have a choice. Today I still want to save my marriage and I believe my H does as well, but I do not know what tomorrow will look like or how I will feel. SO please offer any adivse , am I crazy for doing things this way?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by zebrababy:
[QB]<p>I believe it was Catnip or CD that did a sort of living arrangements you mentioned. Where H still dated and saw OW while living with wife. She would be a good one to seek advice on this arrangement you are proposing.<p>Come on regulars... help me out. was it Catnip or CD??? Sorry, I'm getting old and senile.
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Aaaacccck! It sure isn't me, Zebra. <p>Catnip =^^=

Jessica, can you say plan "B" ?<p>Honey he needs to decide to dedicate himself to you or not.<p>You need to preserve your love and quit taking.<p>I will pray for you.<p>You have been through so much. Your H will see if he truly misses you with plan B.<p>It may take time, but what else do you have to go through?<p>Maybe ow will not look so good if he doesn't have any part of you around anymore.<p>It may perhaps "jumpstart" him into the reality of what life without Jessica will be like.<p>Let us know honey.<p>love
Debi