I know there are some women here who were the unfaithful spouse and have "other children" as a result. My wife is twelve weeks pregnant as the result of an affair and we have three children of our own. I would like to hear from someone who has dealt with the guilt of having created this situation for their family. I want a perspective of what my wife is dealing with, and I want to know the best way to treat her. She's always had a problem with the guilt of bad decisions and I've never helped that situation much. I want to treat her fairly and lovingly, (because I still do love her), but it's hard. I'm so hurt and frustrated by her poor choices. Please share...

P51,<p>As of right now, I think that I am the only one who fits your bill on this forum. I haven't seen any other wives with OC post in a while, if ever. Usually, it is the xOW, like Obratti1 and BINthere, who are here to help, and have been accepted.<p>Now, for your question. I know that at 12 weeks, I was still dealing with the guilt. It was shortly after that that I started posting here. To be honest, I had a very hard time with the guilt, and forgiving myself. That was the hardest thing for me to do. I would dwell on what I had done, and those consequences. Not just the pregnancy, but the betrayal that I caused to my H and children. I worried that family would accept Abbi, and me. My H's whole family knows, but only a few of my family have been told everything.<p>Unfortunately, if she is in that phase, of trying to forgive herself, there is nothing you can do to help her along. It is a point she needs to come to herself. What you can do, is continue to love her, and show her that you love her. Support her, as you would in any other difficult situation. Reassure her that even though you are hurt, you do still love her, and want the marriage to be repaired.<p>Also, remember that not only is she battling her guilt, but all those hormones as well. Just be honest with her about your feelings. If she asks about your acceptance of the baby, and you are still not sure what to feel, just tell her that. I think that my H wasn't sure until he actually held her, minutes after she was born. <p>I forget, is OM out of the picture? If so, go to as many doctor appointments as you can. If not, he does not need to be there. These doctor appointments are your show of support for your W. The OM does not need to be there to "support" your W if you and your W are willing to repair the damage done to the marriage.<p>I hope this helps, and I do have more to say, but Abbi is demanding that I pay attention to her right now. Oh, also, if you can, go to a counselor, together. But, be careful who you go to. My H and I had been to counseling, but it didn't work, partly due to ourselves, but I also don't feel the counselor did anything for us.<p>If you have more questions, please feel free to ask. I am very open about what I have done, and how we are doing now.<p>Tigger

Tig,<p> Thanks for your reply. My wife is still in tears most of the time. As I touched on in my other post, the sharing of this with our children looms on the horizon. Plus the OM is making life miserable. He stops at no length to contact her, from all types of lying, calling friends and family, calling the OBGYN and parading as her husband to find out when her next appointment is, etc&#8230; He has even called our counselor trying to find out information. He informed me that we needed to get on better terms because if my wife and I got back together I would have to deal with him from now on because of this baby, because, he assures me, he WILL be a part of this baby&#8217;s life.
I&#8217;m trying to operate in a Christ-like manner, but I don&#8217;t know if I&#8217;m ready to go to OBGYN appointments yet. You remember this is her third affair. By the way, I think I saw that you and I are the same age- I&#8217;m 32. I noticed that a lot of people in here are around that age. Does that say something about our lives?

P51,<p>Well, I know that in our marriage, the A's started, for my H at about age 22. He had multiple, that I didn't find out about all of them till a year ago. I do attribute my 2 falls from grace to my own selfishness, and turning away from God. I could probably say the same for my H as neither one of us were really going to church, or involved with church at those times.<p>I actually had 2 seperate A's. But I do know that the first was out of revenge for the first one my H had. The second one was from the xOM giving me what I was missing in the marriage. It started, at least for me, as friendship, and turned into utter stupidity! I found out from xOM during the A, that he was after the end result from the beginning. In fact, I could see that we would be exactly where you are at now with your OM if our xOM ever knew about the pregnancy.<p>My best advice for that is to maybe seek out an attorney for advice. Find out, if you want to raise the baby as yours, w/o interfearance from OM, if there is anything you can do legally. I wish I had better advice for you. But also remember, that if there is something you want to do, you need to be certain. The reason I am saying this is something pointed out to me a year ago, when we first started posting. If you decide to raise this baby as yours, get OM out of the way, and then something else happens, you could be stuck paying CS for the next 18-20 yrs. Not to be negative, you just need to be certain about your decision, and if you are both willing to repair the marriage.<p>I hope I helped. I posted under "Pops" thread to his wife with my email address. If you or your W want to ask anything, and aren't comfortable posting it here, I am willing to help out.<p>Tigger

Dear P51,<p>Your situation sounds almost unendurable. <p>Although there are many decisions you need to make, I would recommend that you immediately contact an extremely talented family lawyer, to discuss your potential rights and responsibilities should you remain married to your wife.<p>I suspect that the other man has NO rights whatsoever to contact with this child, unless your wife divorces you and has the other man legally named father. Laws vary from state to state, however, so you need expert advice.<p>Although you might indeed end up divorced, do not let the other man bully you into anything that you do not want to give. Should you remain married, the best option for you (if you are like most of us men here) is to never have anything to do with the other man again.<p>I wish you well,<p>StillTrying

Thanks for your reply StillTrying, If I remember from your other posts you are raising an OC? I respect you. I feel like I am a man capable of doing this, too, however the circumstances surrounding this seem insurmountable at times. I feel like time has to pass before I can consider restoration with my wife, but his baby isn't going to wait.

P51 (I like that name, one of my favorite planes),<p>I have never been in your situation so I am not going to offer advice about what you should do. But, I do know that you can stop the harrassment of the OM. In fact, if he has contacted the Dr. and pretended to be you, then get a good lawyer, go to the police and start getting restraining orders placed on him.<p>I presume that your W doesn't want contact with him? If that is so, then forbid him from calling, or being in any contact with your house and family.<p>Finally, I would suggest to him that he doesn't "know" the baby is his. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] You may "know" that it isn't yours, but neither of you really know who the father is. Let him know your W has had three affairs that you know of and that neither you nor he knows the paternity of the child. I think that just may give him something to think about and it just may cool his jets for awhile. <p>God Bless,<p>JL

Wow P51,
You sound like a most amazing man! I'm sorry you are facing this difficult time and OM is being a butt-head. Gosh! What is his trip? Maybe he should just adopt the baby outright? Would your wife consider signing over her rights? I mean, since you are going to tell the kids anyway, what would you think about that?<p>Whatever you ultimately decide, I believe that God has enough mercy, and grace, and love, and forgiveness to cover this whole situation and bring His sweetness into the picture.<p>As an example, I have a very loose past, yet God chose to bless me with a husband who was a virgin when we married. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] HUH?! I mean, God's love is so amazing.<p>My husband didn't and still doesn't care about my past and refuses to hear about any of it. He has been so amazing and a great stepfather to my OC by a MM... I was single for 10 years before I got married. Actually, I didn't even think I would get married ever. But God... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I believe there is a "But God" scenario for you in this situation as well... You know how you think everything is doomed, but God... You thought you were at the end of your rope and couldn't hang on any longer, but God... When you knew you couldn't take anymore and just wanted to die, but God...<p>If OM wants to play hardball, fine. Get tough. Call the doctor's office and let them know the situation, that they have been giving out your personal information to an imposter! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] (You have grounds to sue that doctor's office as they have been extremely careless!!!) Once they find out, they will make notes on your wife's file not to give out any information on the phone unless they know for sure who they are speaking to! DUH! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ November 16, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

BinThere, I appreciate your comments, but I promise you I don't feel like a "most amazing man"! I feel like the line between forgivness and common sense is blurry for me. I'm very familiar with working through the devestation of an affair and restoring trust. I'm just wondering now, after the third affair, if this woman I love is simply incapable of being faithful to me. On the side, I also had a problem with my wife's past like your husband does, and I believe it created many, many problems for us. She never felt like I fully accepted and loved her completely because of it. I hope you don't bury similar feelings.

I'll drop my 2 cents in here. I am raising OC as my own. I actually have custody of OC after my divorce. He knows me as his father and no one else.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I suspect that the other man has NO rights whatsoever to contact with this child, unless your wife divorces you and has the other man legally named father.<hr></blockquote><p>Not true. OM man does have rights. Fortunately for you P51 he must sue for them. Most states have presumed paternity laws. Meaning that if you are married when baby is born then if you don't contest it then you are the father. Again he does have the right to sue for his rights, his visitation. <p>He will also be suing for the right to pay child support. Most states are between 21 and 26 percent. For 18 years!!! He will be suing for the right to be required to provide health insurance. He has rights. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I would make these rights known to him.<p>Raising an OC is difficult for both sides of the healing marriage. Seeing my little boy call me Daddy and cry for me when I dropped him off at my XW's house nearly drove her crazy. It broke her heart. My XW and I are currently in somewhat of a living together wait and see state. But no matter how she and I turn out, OC is my little boy.<p>One other thing...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>the sharing of this with our children looms on the horizon<hr></blockquote><p>Why? How old are your other children? Do they need to know right now? If they are young it may be best to wait, especially if you are trying to rebuild a marriage. Let it heal or the stress from the situation with the other children may break an already fragile situation. I have three boys with my XW as well, ages 8, 6, and 4. We have not and do not plan on telling them until they are old enough to understand or until they figure it out for themselves. My opinion.<p>Good Luck and God Bless

Dear P51,<p>There is a catch to the process that Paul just described, that makes his advice unlikely to apply in most states. (Certainly it doesn't apply in mine).<p>For the other man to gain parental rights, he must indeed sue for them. But he probably has no legal standing to bring the case to the court's attention. Even if he owned DNA tests proving he was the father, he might not be able to bring them to the court's attention, if you or your wife have not first opened the door legally.<p>Think about it. Can any man be allowed to bring a suit to prove that your kids are really his? To force you to have DNA tests? Courts won't allow that kind of intrusion in most states.<p>I will you well,<p>StillTrying

I am not saying that it would happen, I'm saying it could. Yes they can bring suit, at least in TN.<p>My point was, whether he could or could not it will be difficult for OM to interfere if you don't want him to. Have you thought about a restraining order?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by P51:
<strong>...I promise you I don't feel like a "most amazing man"!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Feelings and reality are two different things. You have stuck by your wife through all this and I find that to be an amazing fact. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by P51:
<strong>I'm just wondering now, after the third affair, if this woman I love is simply incapable of being faithful to me.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by P51:
<strong>...I also had a problem with my wife's past like your husband does...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Insightful and interesting, but I think my husband shows his lack of interest in my past because of the power of the Blood of Jesus (forgiveness) and not because he has a problem with it, but you could be right? I never looked at it that way. At least, this is the way he explains it to me--that our past (sin) is covered by the Blood... why dredge it up if it's blanked out in God's eyesight??<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by P51:
<strong>She never felt like I fully accepted and loved her completely because of it. I hope you don't bury similar feelings.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I'm so sad for you and your wife's troubles because of this. From the day we met, my son and I have always felt accepted by my H, regardless of everything. I just firmly believe that God never uses our past in order to determine our future. I believe there is a future for you and your wife it has to be free of guilt and condemnation tho... Once God forgives, that's it. Your wife has a big job ahead of her in proving she can be trustworthy too. Trust must be earned. Forgiveness isn't forgiveness if it has to be earned. You have forgiven much, so much is required of your wife... My heartfelt prayers are with you.<p>[ November 17, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Again, moving up the supportive posts to shed some real light for the newbies and convince the oldbies [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] to stay.

BINthere, I realize now that I misread you post. I interpreted it originally to mean that your husband didn't accept your past. In other words, I wasn't nearly the man your husband is about my wife's past. I had waited to share myself with only one woman, but she hadn't and when I was faced with that I felt cheated and angry. I was very ugly to her and really raked her over the coals about it. I was 21 at the time, and ten years later I realize how cold and mean I was to her. The choices she made then were mistakes she made in her life and they had nothing to do with me. She loved me (I believe) and that was what was really important. If I could re-live one event in my life it would be to go back to the evening that I was so ugly to her about her past. I hurt her so deeply. Instead, if I had been a man the caliber of your husband, that event could have been something wonderful instead of something so horrible and painful. I feel so foolish and selfish and ashamed when I look back on how I treated her. I actually never really was able to fully let go of her past until her first affair, oddly enough. It was then that I realized how much I loved her and how hurt she had been, and how unimportant her past truly was. The fog was lifted. You are a truly fortunate woman. I'd give nearly anything to be able to go back and treat my wife with the love and maturity that your husband has shown you.

Well P51,
The only thing we can do with the past is forget it. The problem is that your wife keeps on reopening the wounds, and now there is a baby coming and you can't just erase this little person's life... Regardless of what you decide to do, keep the baby, give up the baby, knowing about the baby will live with you guys forever.<p>Now is not the time for beating yourself up. You are not to blame for your wife's lack of character. She has not made efforts to protect herself from her own weaknesses which have nothing to do with you. You stayed with her, that shows your character and commitment to her.<p>I have read several stories on the MB boards about how devastated men feel when they discover their wife's past was more involved than they first realized. You are not alone, you are normal. <p>My husband is not "normal" and I guess that is why he is a keeper! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] He is one of those "new creatures in Christ" who really lives what he believes. He's got his own unique ways of lovebusting tho, trust me! But so do I and so do we all.<p>Still, in my book, you are truly amazing. Your strength is amazing, but be kinder to yourself. You didn't make the choice to go out on your wife and bring all this destruction to your marriage. I agree, it is good that you wish to change your behavior that contributes to your wife's feelings of insecurity, but enough is enough! God will make it up to you as you give it all to Him to fix.<p>Sometimes we screw things up so badly that we can't fix it. We have no choice but to turn the whole mess over to God. So, we turn it over and we have to agree to LEAVE IT THERE as long as it takes for Him to work on it. I'm sure He will provide a solution for your family that will work.<p>Your wife has been acting like a serial cheater, but nothing is too difficult for God! She sounds like a candidate for a miracle! That's a great position to be in these days because God is willing and He is able!

I am the mother of a beautiful 2 1/2 year old little girl who is the result of an affair. My husband and I had been married for 12 years when I had this affair. We have 3 beautiful children of our own and I don't know why I did what I did. I left my husband and 3 children and moved to another town 2 hours away to be near this other man. After two months I moved back - then I found out I was pregnant. But I had already lost my husband. I moved into an apartment and my husband and I share custody of our other 3 children. Four months after I moved out he moved another woman in and they have been together ever since. He said to me 8 months ago that he still loves me more than anything or anyone in this world, but he can't deal with my daughter by the other man. Plus the other man is black and my husband is white. It was the biggest mistake of my life - ex cept for the fact that I have this wonderful little girl and my other children adore her. We are still married - he keeps putting off the divorce. I know what your wife is going through. She made a mistake - if you love her, really love her, forgive her and make it work. It can work. I admire you for coming on this board and looking for answers and help. I wish my husband would have done that for me.

DixieGirl, i have one question for you and i don't mean to offend you or sound cold with it. 1st let me briefly fill you in on my history. with wife for 28 yrs, married 22 yrs on 12/8/01, 6 kids together (ages 6 thru 20), she had 3-4 month affair in spring 2001, is pregnant, my wife and i are both white and bio dad is latino, her due date is any day now and possibly on our anniversary. i am struggling not only with her affair and subsequent pregnancy but also that this little girl is going to be a constant reminder of her unfaithfulness as she will have such definitive appearance differences. now the question... looking back on your situation and i understand you love your daughter very much, although would it not have been a better idea to preserve your marriage and original family by placeing your daughter for adoption knowing she would have 2 parents that each love her, that she is safe, and has no stigmas attached as she gets older about being the cause of your marital separation? i know this is a very dificult question to answer as you will have to remove yourself emotionally from her to look at this logically and rationaly. if you can i would greatly appreciate it. and once again i do not in any way intend this in a cruel or bitter fasion. thanks for your understanding. pops