I found out just over a week ago that my wife is going to have another man's child. [The child will be noticeably differant than our other children.] She was unfaithful once before but after major efforts on our part to work together, i was able to forgive her and move-on. [That was about 3 years ago.]<p>We currently have 3 children, all of which are mine. Right now my pain is so great the only thing i think of is divorce. But what should happen with the children? I would love to have my wife move out of the house and punish her for her acts but i know our children will be heartbroken.<p>I am not going to support this child nor is my insurance going to pay for this child. I cannot even begin to think of my wife in an intimate way yet she is trying to be seductive.<p>I miss the person my wife was months ago, before she began her new job and found her new friends. <p>I am thoroughly confused on what to do. We have been married for just over 10 years. <p>Any thoughts, ideas of help would be great.<p>Thanks

Masabres,<p>I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.<p>Ill be praying for you.<p>I am just bumping this up for those that are more on your side of the block.<p>Love<p>broken_wings

I am also a betrayed wife...I am moving this up so the men who post can help you out.

Masabres, i am sorry to here that you are in this situation. i am in a very similar place myself. memorial day 2001 was my d-day. i am 49 and my w is 45, we have 6 kids and have been married 22 yrs 12/01. my w went back to work last yr. after being a mom for nearly 20 yrs and fell into an a that lasted about 4-1/2 months while we were living together. i questioned her several times on if she was having an a and each time she swore no and asked me to trust her and give her time to figure herself out. i finally had to stop my own denial of what she was doing and asked her very directly and told her that i have noticed things about her that i had seen with our other 6 kids. her c will be noticeably different from ours and is due around mid dec.. at first i thought it would be a no brainer to deal with this. i even offered to adopt this child within an hour of finding out but she said no to that and she wanted the om to be involved with c. since that time it has become harder and harder each day watching her grow with someone else's c. now i am haveing a very difficult time accepting this situation. we have been in couseling since june and i no my w is very remorsefull for what has happened and she is still trying as ahrd as i am to figure out how this terrible thing crept into our lives. when she made her mind up to try and reconcile our marrage we were very passionate but as she started showing more and more it has become more and more difficult for me to see her in the same sensual ways. anyhow we both want our marriage to work but are having our own problems as far as the c is concerned. she wants to keep and raise child and i find that hard to deal with as the c will be a constant reminder of the pain caused by her a. she is worried that if she keeps the c that i will not be able to cope and it would cause the end of our marriage. i would like to see her place this c up for adoption finding a good Christian home. i feel that if i can only love this c 79% doesn't she deserve 2 parents who love her 100%. this creates a problem that if my w cannot acept this and becomes depressed this too may become an obsticle in our marriage. these are all questions you will probably ask each other in time. i do believe you can work out your difficulties if you have open communication with each other and she is ready to try and restore your marriage. then the burden switches to you and you have to be able to forgive her. and this is where the problem may lay for youself and me as maybe we are finding it hard to get past the hurt, rejection, loss of trust, embarrassment, and all the other things that come with being deceived in this manner. i know that you both to be willing to reconcile your marriage or it won't be able to happen. i wish you the best with your situation.

This article may be helpful: Coping with Infidelity Part 4: Overcoming Resentment

Masabres, Wow. I'm blown away by your post. My wife and I were married ten years this past August. We have three children, 5, 7, and 9. My wife had her first affair three years ago which we worked very hard to overcome. Now she is twelve weeks pregnant with another mans child. The one difference I see is that my wife left me in June. Now she wants to work toward reconciliation. I'm afraid I don't have much advice. I'm personally just trying to seek God and I'm trusting that he will show me the way to go. It's a day by day thing. I'm learning about Lordship because I really just have to trust in God to show me each new step. One thing I would caution you about is vengeful actions. Punishing your wife will only serve to bring both of you more pain in the long run, I'm afraid. Not that I don't identify, and I've certainly had some of the same thoughts, but I've found that I have to constantly examine my motives for the actions I take. I've known now for about a month, and I can tell you that you will see things differently a month from now.

Masabres<p>My condolences to you for this life-altering, horrible blow. I hesitate to 'welcome' you here because this is a 'club' no one wants to be in but you are definitely in the right place...there was something Divine that led you here for support, comfort and counsel.
There are and have been several men on this site who are in the exact position you are in and should be along within the next few days to offer you insight and guidance. With the holidays looming in the future, this is going to be a tough time for you to get what you need when you need it most, unfortunately, but do not give up...they will be along.<p>I am so deeply sorry for your pain and heartache...I know you are traumatized and emotionally drained right now but let me offer something I feel very, very strongly about.<p>I firmly believe that in cases such as your when a husband finds that his wife is pregnant with someone else's child, it is the wife's obligation to her husband, her children and to the OC to give the OC up for adoption and to sacrifice her selfish desires to keep OC for the overall good of her family of origin...and ultimately for the OC itself! The OC deserves the advantages of an untainted life with a stable and loving two-parent family. The child should not be subjected to the label of '[censored] born of an affair', the possibility of not being accepted, being the subject of gossip. I believe the Wayward Wife should just suck up her pain and discomfort and do the most unselfish thing she can for the child, her husband and her other children.<p>The most selfish thing in the world next to having an affair is keeping a child that will cause so many people so much embarrassment, heartache, pain, confusion, upheaval and living with the constant reminder...not to mention subjecting the family to possible OM interfernece and child support issue that impacts the family financially, taking away from the children of origin and perhaps taking away from YOUR financial stability if you are caught in the presumed paternity position. Bystander will be along later to describe this atrocity to you and outline what it is you need to do to protect yourself from being held accountable for a child that is not yours should you and your wife end up divorced.<p>As for your heartache and confusion, my advice to you is to do nothing for a while until you have posted here often and received input from the many members who have been where you are and have some insight to offer. Make no rash decisions that you may regret later. You have much to consider and much to sort out and it is a long process.<p>I don't understand these wayward spouses on either side who insist on keeping the horror alive by subjecting their families to further pain by insisting they keep the OC. It isn't good for anyone...especially the OC...who ultimately ends up suffering the most.<p>In all my years here I have only seen two successful OC involvement cases where the husband was able to raise the OC as his own without interfence.<p>The Wayward Spouse OWES it to her husband and family and to the OC to give it up for adoption into a loving stable home. Anything short of this, in my not so humble opinion, is pure selfishness...I know because I gave up my son for adoption in 1969. He contacted me in 1989 and we have had a relationship ever since, thanking me for allowing him to be raised and loved by the most wonderful couple on the planet. Had he been raised by me at the time, his life would have been filled with strife and turmoil. I pined for him, but that was the price I had to pay to ensure he would have what I could not give him.<p>Say strong, Masabres and hang tight until you hear from more members...be patient. Good luck.<p>Catnip =^^=

Thank you to those of you that have replied. Your words have been helpful.<p>Since my wife has stated that she will not give the OC up for adoption and the OM will be part of the OC's life then the only solution i see is divorce. If any of you stongly disagree then please respond.<p>I can tell you that i am not going to give up my children. I am not going to pay for this OC nor is my insurance.<p>Yes, i am very hurt and the only solution i see is divorce. I know it will be hard on our children but i see no other solution. <p>It is very hard to live with someone you do not trust. The hardest part is since i found out about the incident there have been at least 3-4 men that have called the house. I am not sure what's going on but i can tell you that i need out.<p>I will be taking 2 business trips 4 days each in the next 3 weeks and i hope the time apart does us both well.<p>Although my wife is trying to act as if nothing happened, for me i cannot forget. Since this is not the first time for an affair [3rd] i can no longer forgive.<p>I would welcome any suggestions but i feel like 3 strikes and she's out.

Masabres,<p>I think most of us would agree that there was one point in this nightmare we all share, where divorce SEEMED like an option. I felt that i didn't deserve this fate (nobody does)and since my h and i have no children, i wanted to start all over, meet someone new, have children - basically do it right this time. For as much as i loved him, how could i live with the humility, anguish, daily reminder of his sin?<p>For whatever reasons, God miraculously started softening my heart and revealing truths to me that can only be found in his Word. And because i uphold the Bible as my authority, i really struggled with what I wanted to do and what GOD would have me do. If God hates divorce - and i know that and believe in Him, what are my options? <p>Simply, God revealed to me how this h of mine is the person that God has chosen for me, just like your W is the person God has chosen for you. I don't expect God to make my life a bed of roses, I use-to expect that, but I would be a fool to think that God is not dealing with my own sin in my life. I don't know why God has allowed this in our lives, but i do know that he wants to strengthen us through it, he wants to reveal to us his character, because let's face it, if we can get through something like this, boy, there isn't a whole lot we probably couldn't endure. <p>If you can forgive your wife, and truly forgive her, and ask God to give you that will to forgive, your marriage, your family will be blessed and i know that doesn't even seem possible, but because of YOUR obedience, God will look upon you favorably and bless you. By you obeying God (and it's beyond difficult i know), think of the possibilites... Your children will have a solid home built on faith, overcoming struggle, an example of a humble Dad to follow in his footsteps, a forgiving Dad, and when you grow deeper in Truth and your relationship with God is intensified, both you and your family will be blessed. <p>For men who serve the Lord, they recognize that they are the head of the home - when they make the decision to divorce and break apart what God has joined, everyone suffers, but YOU will have to suffer for taking them of the path that God has designed for your family. If it seems like a lot of pressure, i think that is exactly what it is. Divorce is not the option, in my opinion. But i still have thoughts of it even today. I am 28, so is h, we are still young and have plenty of time to begin over, but for me there is a HUGE struggle between me and God.<p>Since my h has got the ow pregnant, i hope for a miscarriage, something to go wrong, anything. I know this is wrong, but i would be a lying if i said otherwise. The way you feel about your wife is the same way i feel about my h in regards to being intimate with them. It will probably be awhile before God gives us the grace to forgive and surrender all those hurtful pictures, memories in our heads. But HE can do it. Your marriage can be saved, and God wants to be the one to do it. <p>I hope this makes sense to you and i didn't bombard you too much. I just share in your pain and want you to know that you are not alone. It has been 3 months since i found out about pregnancy - i am still married, i still struggle with everything, but i know there is hope. <p>I am praying for you - and no matter what you decide, God will never leave you, He will always be by your side to help you in everything. I encourage you to call on Him and seek his love, strength, patience - ask Him to reveal himself so that you can see this marriage clearly and how and why you should accept your wife and start this new journey with her, no matter how hard it may and will be. <p>I'm rambling, but just wanted to share. We are here for you,
God Bless,
Julia