Catnip, I'm a newbie (actually a return from a few years ago, but new to pregnancy issues), and I'm certainly not firm in where I stand on all these issues. I do have another consideration about the adoption issue. What message does it say to the legitimate children of the family? What would my five year old think about the fact that his mother can pick and choose the babies that she is going to raise? Couldn't that possibly shake him to the foundation of his little soul? It seems to me that the appropriate thing to do (nothing is universal) is to take responsibility for the sin. In other words, I would want my children to see their mother admit her wrongs, ask forgiveness, and take responsiblity for the consequences of her actions. I believe that God is bigger than an illegitimate child. I believe He can heal the hurts and restore a family. I believe He can bestow the grace to make that child completely loved and accepted. I'm not at all saying adoption is wrong. I just think there might be potentially as many ill side effects one way as the other.

Sure, P51, I can see your point of view and I can agree if it is a situation (such as K's) where his marriage has healed sufficiently to take on the OC and make the child his own without outside interference from the OM.<p>But, I am speaking 'in the big scheme of things' where there is so much dysfunction, broken homes, traditions and morals thrown out and replaced my the 'new' thinking that accepts and even tolerates infidelity, illigitimacy and the like.<p>As for me, my first son was two and a half when I gave birth to the son I gave up for adoption. When he was old enough to understand, I explained that I love his brother very much and wanted a good home for him. Perhaps it seemed to him at the time that mothers could give away children like they give away puppies, but I went on to explain that since my emotional and mental condition at the time was so tenuous and because he had to live with Grandma and Grandpa for three years while I got my life pulled together, I wouldn't be right to subject the new baby to such a life. <p>Their father had abandoned us, was incarcerated for a crime and I was only nineteen and had no education or experience in the workforce. It never occurred to me to go onto public assistance, which to this day, I regret, because I MAY have been able to get the help I needed and still been able to take care of both boys. But, I don't know that. All I know that in the end, my second son fared very well, while my first son struggled through life, unhappy, uncertain and insecure. Amazingly, he turned out remarkably well, thanks to my parent's influence.<p>I know it isn't a one size fits all. But, basically, to get one's life back to some semblance of normalcy and to put the ugly episodes behind one's self and to give and innocent child a chance at a decent life, I think adoption is a supremely unselfish route to go for all concerned. It is simply logic. I did not write what I wrote with emotion involved. To do that would add a lot of grey.<p>On the emotional aspect or in considering the impact the adoption of a sibling could do to a child of the original family, I can only say that I am sure this has hurt my first son in ways I cannot fully understand, yet he survived, knows he is loved and cherished and knows his brother is love and cherished by TWO families. We all need to do what is right for us. When I advocate adoption, I am going on the premise that adoption is an unselfish act with benefits for all involved, esepcially the OC, the spouse of origin and the existing siblings because they are spared the nightmare of OP interlopers, embarrassment, explanations and the like. It allows the marriage and the family a chance at healing without more angst in their midst. Perhaps it is looking at it from a pragmatic point of view without consideration of 'feelings' but I believe that 'feelings' get in the way of good judgment which is why many of us are here in the first place.<p>There are huge financial considerations and the children of origin suffer as well. Sometimes the marriage doesn't work out and the spouse ends up stuck with support for a child that is not his. Sometimes the OP interferes and makes ridiculous demands they have no right making.<p>Unless one has a strong spiritual base like K and others who have successfully incorporated into their marriage healing and recovery and have the boundaries established to make the marriage work, adoption is a reasonable and unselfish act that gives ALL concerned a chance at rebuilding.<p>Children are resilient people. They will be traumatized no matter what is done. If the child is adopted by another couple, the child of origin may wonder about the picking and choosing process until they are older and can understand. If the OC is kept and raised as a member of the family, both the OC and the children of origin will certainly endure a measure of shame or stigma attached to his life knowing that their mother produced a child that is not their father's and the respect and admiration for their mother could likely diminish, which is also very traumatic and could have lasting effects as to how they look at women as a whole.<p>It's a toss up, P 51. Only you know what is right for you and your family and marriage. I can only go by logic and my own experiences. Just bear in mind all consequences and if your faith in God (and hers) is strong enough to build a family out of the ashes like K has done. God bless and good luck. <p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ November 19, 2001: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

P51, i know i am new to this club but i have been
dealing with my w's a since march and it seems like a lifetime. i have to agree with Catnip that the path you choose is a very personal ordeal. you and your w have to be very certain as to where you are heading. raising the oc will definetly teach love, compassion, and unconditional forgiveness. that is if your marriage survives. but (and GOD forbid) it does not. what kind of pain will your children be left with. you left them, they may become angry at mom for choosing oc over you, they will probably have resentment for oc as he/she came between you and w. and if marriage survives what have you taught them about trust, commitment,fidelity,honor, and respect.
adoption also teaches some of the same good things love, compassion, and forgiveness. it says that there may be some unpleasant consequences to making poor choices in life. it teaches all the things that Catnip mentioned about giving up something unselfishly for the benefit of those around you. it gives the oc a chance at having a complete family that loves them. an example in my case is my w's sister who supports her in which ever path she chooses told her she will love oc but it will not be the same as she loves our children. could this possibly be felt by oc as they grow older. and what about your own children. remember that children are brutally outspoken at times and what if they can into a tiff As all siblings do) with oc and say some cruel and hurtful things. will oc feel outcast and different. as kids grow they become more curious and ask questions regarding their family
history. will these truths cause pain in the years down the road?
maybe it depends on your age in life? for me i am 49 and by no means do i feel old or outdated. but at the same time i don't know if i want to go through 4-5 years or more trying to reconcile my marriage and the result of all the heartache and pain of my w's a in front of me. believe me i am guite aware of the difficulty my w is having with her decision of whether to adopt or not. she has woke me up sobbing in her sleep because she coudn't find her kids and my heart ached for her pain. but at the same time i feel my heart ache with the realization that she is carrying another's c after nearly22 yrs of marriage. both of our extended familys know and this has caused extensive pain in that area also.
these are very difficult choices and i pray each day that everyone in this forum will work through their hard times and life will be wonderful for them once again. God has great bounties for those who believe in Him and have endured these terrible pains.

Pops I have printed your reply as it reflects my SAME views!!! I almost never have printed a thing off this board but your post hit close to home.<p>Most ow are unmarried here. Ours still is(?). It's a good perspective from the other side.<p>Even though ow here spends time w/H she still wishes my H to be hers. Coming after CS after saying she'd do it herself!! She's loaded! Angry H isn't doing the "DAD" thing. If she'd look and open her eyes she'd see a loving gentle man whom she had 3 kids with is devastated!!!!<p>As far as cs I'm starting a motion soon about signing off for forced parenthood in these situations. An 18 year sentence is way too much to pay for unprotected sex!!! Especially if the tables were turned and ow didn't want c but h did...you know? H couldn't do a thing either way.<p>I know BBB he could have left his pants on but this is ridiculous!!!!!!<p>Debi

Dear P51 and Pops,<p>I disagree very much with some of the ideas being advocated here. But it seems to me that the reason for the extreme statements is the enormous pain of learning about both a betrayal, and about a child being born from the affair. I think that such a birth violates one more aspect of our marriages, one more thing that many of us thought was shared only between us and our spouses.<p>Adoption is certainly a reasonable option, but ONLY if both spouses agree completely on it.<p>And if your wife decides not to give the child up for adoption, then you face some rather harsh facts, and need to think about them as you make your choices:<p>(1) The 'other' child will be raised as a sibling to your other children, whether or not you are its father.<p>(2) The other man might be involved in raising the other child, and your other children as well, should you divorce.<p>(3) The other man can probably be excluded from playing any role in the other child's life if you remain married. (This is the positive side of the notorious presumed paternity laws).<p>(4) If you want to avoid the risk of paying any money for the other child, you will probably need to get divorced. No matter what you choose, you will need to talk to a GOOD lawyer about your options.<p>Some personal observations. I only found out about the faact that my youngest had a different biological father after he was born. That is different from your situations. My other children had bonded with their brother, and so had I. That made my choice much simpler. But it isn't really that different from your situation - I found out a few months after the birth, and you found out a few months before.<p>For me, the key is this: (A) IF YOU ACCEPT AND LOVE THE NEW BABY, AND (B) IF YOUR WIFE SUPPORTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE BABY, AND HELPS ELIMINATE OTHE MAN ENTIRELY FROM THE PICTURE, then your other children will probably accept the situation and their new sibling fairly easily.<p>All of our other children now know about their little brother. To be honest, they didn't seem to care that much about the news. It seemed mostly a grownup matter to them. We stressed to them that what had happened was a mistake that my wife had taken responsibility for, and that the 'other' child was my son in every way that mattered. They seem to love him as much as each other.<p>I can't say this has been easy, but the issues are largely between you and your wife, and between you and the other child. If you are honest with yourself and with each other, the rest of the family will probably adapt in either case. Your other children will look to you two to learn how to act.<p>I cannot recommend individual therapy enough right now. Both of you need time and help sorting this out, so that you can make the right choices for you, rather than acting precipitously, based only on your emotions. (Look as where you ended up when your wives acted out on their emotions).<p>I wish you both well,<p>StillTrying

StillTrying, Thank you for your words. The voice of experience is very valuable and it also helps that those words are coming from someone that is on the other side of this emotional battle. I respect the adoption choice for those that feel led to pursue that. I know that my wife could not do that. I don't know how I would feel if she could. Again, that's certainly not to slam anyone that has chosen that route, because I'm sure for some it's the best way. For me, I guess because of what I am as a person, and because of what my wife is (somewhere deep inside)and our personal convictions, I don't see it as an option. <p>I am completely overwhelmed at this point. I've been in Christian counseling since January and my wife is now going too. If she continues to make wise choices in her life we may begin counseling together soon to see what there is to salvage. I do still love her with all my heart, but after three affairs something MUST change before I can allow her to come home.<p>I'm only just beginning to explore what it would really mean to raise a child that didn't come from me. The impact of my wife's poor choices are so multi-faceted that it's difficult to know what to deal with first. Heck, I'm sure I don't even realize all the ways this has impacted my family.<p>I know there will always be the, "Oh, he/she looks just like you!" statements, which it seems could always be a reminder of my wife's infidelity if I let it. I guess that's the key. I know God can heal a "ruined" marriage. I can say that I feel like I am a man capable of loving and raising this child just like my own.<p>I know it's a different situation, but I was adopted by my grandparents. My mother and father died when I was an infant and my father's parents raised me and eventually adopted me at age 6. they had already raised five of their own and had an empty nest, and then took me in and spent the rest of their lives raising me. Maybe that gives me a little more compassion than most. <p>This baby is completely and totally innocent. It didn't ask for this, and although God didn't want this type of behavior from my wife and has been deeply hurt by it, He did allow it to happen. I know He has a purpose. I feel like I need to seek Him and obey His leading.<p>I realize that I've rambled. Sorry. It's all so big to me right now.

All I can think to say to you is....Rock on, brother!! Your wife is incredibly blessed that she has you. I hope God opens her heart to you fully.

I know most of you dont want to hear from me, because alot of you consider me the ow. I am the w of pops. I have caused so much pain and am so sorry for what I have done, that even I can not believe the choices I have made. This is the first time (and last) in my life I have ever been unfaithful to anyone. And I am truly consumed with sorrow and pain for what I have done to my husband of 22 years. I love him dearly and am doing everything that I can to rebuild our marriage. But sometimes I feel it is too late and that he will never forgive me. I am 8 months pregnant and ended the four month a when I realized what I was doing. I have nothing to do with the om and he has nothing to do with me (he is also married, in which after the a was over I found out that he goes after married women all the time) which makes me feel even more used and worthless. But back to the fact of the baby, my husband would like to put it up for adoption and feels this is the only chance to save our marriage. This is a very hard subject for me, my first child I became pregnant when I was 18, was aborted because of pressure from my family and not being able to deal with the situation, I met my husband when I was pregnant with this child and went through the abortion, it has haunted me and given me great pain all of my life. After having 6 children with my h in our married life, I cant imagine going through the pain of seperating myself from this child whom I have grown to love in my womb. It has no bearing on the biological father- I have no love for him and I know this child has come from a terrible situation, but I love her. My youngest child kisses my belly and gives her hugs goodnight. My h has stated that if i choose to keep this child he wants the biological father to be responsible for it, he feels this child will be a financial burden on him and he doesnt want to be responsible. I dont want this man in our lives anymore, I think it would be opening a bigger can of worms. But he doesnt see it that way, he just wants him to pay. Hopefully I can get honest responses to our situation, please dont go out of your way to be cruel to me, I dont think anyone can make me feel any worse than I do, I am not as far as I have read the kind of ow you are dealing with, even though I know I was wrong and haved sin, I never wanted to become pregnant, I never wanted to trap someones husband, the whole situation started as friends and went out of my control, I am not trying to make excuses, and I know whatever I say no one will understand, but we are human beings and sometimes become weak and make mistakes that we will forever regret. I just dont want to make another one that I will regret and be unable to live with. I am sorry to ramble on so.

Full House,<p>I can fully understand what you are going through and feeling right now. I had posted to you on your H's thread, and am now addressing you here. I felt much the same as you do the first time I posted here. How can these women accept me, after what I had done. The major difference between us and the OW who are discussed here is that we are repentive of what we have done, and are working on our own marriages, and the damage we have done to them. <p>I myself have given a child up for adoption when I was 18. She will be 14 in a couple weeks. We got married a year and 4 months after she was born, and now have 2 other children. My H had a V when our D(9 yrs) was 2, so when I got pregnant, there really was no question of paternity. We struggled greatly with our decision, but finally came to one that we felt the Lord lead us to. That was to keep the baby, without the involvement of xOM. An easy decision for us to make, because the xOM became quite violent on D-day, and that didn't change. He even threatened my H's life. We never told xOM about the pregnancy, and hopefully he will never find out. <p>Abbi is now 8 months old, and a joy to have around. My H loves her as if she were his, paternaly. He is her Daddy in every way that counts!<p>I agree with you that if OM was involved, it's just another can of worms, that can grow to great proportions. I don't know the circumstances w/your OM, but you need to take them in consideration if you are going to keep the child, and your H wants OM to "pay" for what he has done.<p>Are you guys in any type of counseling? I know you are due soon, and this needs to be "settled" by then.<p>Don't feel as if we will attack you, or not offer advice. You are trying to heal the damage to your marriage, and are dealing with the decision of the OC. Pray, and listen to what God is telling you. I have been there, my H has been there. I know how hard this is for you. But, don't be afraid to come here for help/advice. I received a lot when I first came here, and I would expect you to receive the same.<p>I don't know how much sence this made. Abbi was on my lap the whole time, so I have been battling with her reaching hands, and trying to type my thoughts at the same time. Please, don't hesitate to ask me any questions.<p>Tigger

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by full house:
<strong>my husband would like to put it up for adoption and feels this is the only chance to save our marriage. <p>This is a very hard subject for me, my first child I became pregnant when I was 18, was aborted because of pressure from my family and not being able to deal with the situation, I met my husband when I was pregnant with this child and went through the abortion, it has haunted me and given me great pain all of my life. After having 6 children with my h in our married life, I cant imagine going through the pain of seperating myself from this child<p>My h has stated that if i choose to keep this child he wants the biological father to be responsible for it, he feels this child will be a financial burden on him and he doesnt want to be responsible. I dont want this man in our lives anymore, I think it would be opening a bigger can of worms. But he doesnt see it that way, he just wants him to pay. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dear Full House<p>Thank you for coming here and posting to us and telling us your concerns. I am so sorry for what you and your husband are going through.<p>Tigger has walked this road and can tell you first hand her experiences and her solutions. Fortunately for Tigger, her husband has evolved enough to accept her child as his own. Because there is no OM involvement, or even any knowledge that there is an OC, it makes things a lot easier for Tigger and her husband to go on with their lives and to nurture their family and restore their marriage.<p>Because you are so far along, you and your husband must see a counselor immediately to work out the differences. You did not state whether or not your husband has always felt this way since he discovered the A and the pregnancy or if he wavers at all. If he feels strongly about his position on adoption, and you want to save the marriage, you must listen to him and seriously consider his point of view. <p>Adoption is the opposite of abortion. Adoption is a gift of life, a gift to a childless couple desperate for a child to love. Adoption is an unselfish act, thinking of what is best for the child and not what is best for you. At this point, it isn't about you or what you want or desire or need. I am not being mean or cruel, I am just being factual.<p>I know you already love your child and have all along and you do not see it as the OM's child but only as yours. However, your husband only sees this child as a constant reminder of the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. He does not sound as if he is ready to take on this child as his own yet. That could happen in time, which seems in short supply right now. It has happened several times right here on this forum with Tigger, K, Paul Moyers and others...but it took a strong commitment to God, a deep desire to rebuild the marriage and a Policy of Joint Agreement (see Dr. Harley's rules). But at this point, you will need professional guidance to get through this either way.<p>The ideal scenario is for your husband to accept this child as his own, but if he is looking for a measure of satisfaction or revenge by making the OM pay financially, this will only keep the nightmare alive...yet, he can't help how he feels. He is acting on emotion right now and probably not thinking clearly of the ramifications of including the OM in the picture.<p>I really am sorry for your terrible dilemma and will pray that you and your husband come to a reasonable conclusion for the sake of the child, for the sake of the marriage and the sake of your children. God bless you, comfort and guide you.<p>Catnip =^^=

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Adoption is the opposite of abortion. Adoption is a gift of life, a gift to a childless couple desperate for a child to love. Adoption is an unselfish act, thinking of what is best for the child and not what is best for you.<hr></blockquote><p>Well said, Catnip. Thanks for an input from a real life experience. Your continuous presence here is valuable to so many.<p>Dear Fullhouse and Pops, I want to thank you both for sharing your story. If you two get into some counseling and read all the material from the Harleys you will begin to see the light if you truly want to save your marriage.<p>This is perhaps one of lifes hardest roads to travel. There are no set guidelines for any of us here. You must read, and pray, and honestly talk from your hearts to each other. Only then will you be able to conclude this matter in one way or the other. <p>It takes time and we must not make any hasty decisions that will affect our lives forever...ie; divorce, adoption, abortion, whatever the issue it must be weighed carefully.<p>I am from the other side being the one who was betrayed.
In a zillion years I'd never give my body to another man out of anger or boredom in my marriage. I couldn't believe that this happened in our marriage. If I were the pregnant one, and I loved my husband, I would give up that baby. That's me. Notice I said "if I loved my husband".<p>He will be there with you forever Fullhouse.
Children grow up and have their own agenda's. <p>You two must decide what is best. Not us. Perhaps someday you will have taught your other children that you gave up something you wanted for the peace of all the rest of the family, not just keeping the baby to satisfy only yourself. He/She will someday know what you did was the greatest gift of all...life....followed by unselfish love.
It must be a hard thing to do. I have two friends who did in other circumstances...they were too young at the time and chose life over abortion.<p>
On the other hand, Pop's reflects MY feelings and it is why I'm biased in my answer. Just letting you know Fullhouse, he'll be with you throughout all of this. He is still there with you now. Hope you are touched by all of our prayers this day.<p>Bless you.
Love
Debi

Hello Full House,<p>First, let me say I cannot imagine being in either of your shoes right now. I have not been. So take what I say with that in mind. <p>In one of your earlier posts you mentioned that Pops was 49 and you 45. Since my youngest was born when I was 42 and is now 14 almost 15, I thought I would offer you something to consider.<p>I realize that Pops wants the OM to take some responsibility. I can imagine that this is partly out of vengence. I sure would feel this way. However, it may be deeper than that. You say that both of you are in excellent health. However, when your child is 16 and at the peak of adolescence Pops will be 65. There is no guarentee that his health will be as good.<p>Further, he probably had the idea that he could retire and spend time with you. Instead, he will be responsible for a teenager and possibly college expenses in the future. I don't pretend to know you two, but I do know that with my own children I went through a fair amount of concern about my ability to take care and provide for the children.<p>What I am driving at here, is that perhaps it isn't only revenge, and the A, that is motivating his position. Perhaps it is a deep fear of other things: his ability to provide for yet another mouth, his age and it role in his ability to be a father, and finally of course the uncertainity of taking on the responsibility of another child when he doesn't know that the marriage will survive. Please recall that his self-esteem is probably at an all time low. You did choose another man over him and you have chosen to carry this man's baby to term. Neither action adds to your H's confidence about the marriage.<p>One thing that tigger4jdt had going for her that you may not is that her H had been unfaithful and understood the complexity of the situation and how it could happen. I get the impression your H has not had that experience.<p>So where am I going? I have no advice about the adoption issue. I do think that you need to understand your H's motivations much better. He sounds like the kind of man that does love children, but he may be getting tired and the thought of starting over with lost sleep, lost sex, lost everything may be more than he can face. Remember he is very likely not in the best emotional situation of his life right now.<p>So talk with him, not so much about the issue of the child but how he feels, how he sees himself, what he fears right now. Full House you need to know as much of this as you can. It might help your H reach a decision that can help all of you.<p>Full House I read your post and your H's and I feel overwhelmed. There is not clean and easy solution, especially with the lack of trust Pops undoubtably feels about the marriage.<p>You have my prayers and I truely hope that the two of you can reach solution that offers your marriage, your current children, and your new addition the best chance at success.<p>God Bless,
JL<p>[ November 22, 2001: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>What I am driving at here, is that perhaps it isn't only revenge, and the A, that is motivating his position. Perhaps it is a deep fear of other things: his ability to provide for yet another mouth, his age and it role in his ability to be a father, and finally of course the uncertainity of taking on the responsibility of another child when he doesn't know that the marriage will survive. Please recall that his self-esteem is probably at an all time low. You did choose another man over him and you have chosen to carry this man's baby to term. Neither action adds to your H's confidence about the marriage.<hr></blockquote><p>Well said. Such wisdom can be found here. People who see things objectively and have been through this same thing.<p>I'm wondering how Fullhouse and Pops are doing. Hope they check in today.<p>love
Debi

I don't know if this will help any of you but I am
the other child. I logged on to this web site looking for help for me and how to deal with some issues that I am having with my circumstances. First of all let me tell you a little about me. I am 30, I am CURRENTLY married, and have three beautiful children of my own. I have 2 older brothers and one older sister. I grew up with parents that everyone wished they had. They were wonderful! My mom was my best friend and my dad was a very supportive and loving person. BUT my world came crashing down at the age of 22 when my mom got caught having an affair that had lasted for 26 years. So as she was forced to leave at that time she came to my home to tell me that the man she was having the affair with was my real father. OUCH! I can't tell you how deceived I felt and totally stripped of my idenity. I dealt with it well for many years but for some reason now I am struggling with a lot of emotions and feelings of hate. Anyways with that said if I could offer any advice it would be to be very open and honest with the other child from the beginning. I am not ashamed that I am the result of an affair I am just very angry that I found out at the age of 22. Also, as I read through your discussions about whether to keep the child or put them up for adoption I guess I am very glad that my parents decided to keep me and raise me. Granted I am still uncertain at what point my Dad ever found out that I was not his. He still denies that it is true but I know deep down inside that it is. I have the biological fathers eyes, I resemble his children and my youngest daughter also looks like him. <p>For you fathers out there that decide to keep the other child and raise them as your own I hope God Blesses you deeply. I love my Dad so much and have gained much respect for him after finding out that he raised me as his own. What a Dad he is and the best Grandpa that any child could ask for. I am certain that the other child will think the same of you if you decide to raise them and love them as your own.<p>If I had any advice for the moms of the other child it would be to be very honest with them and don't lie to them as they too will probably grow up feeling deceived.<p>Also, If you may be interested to know that my mom and dad did end up staying together and are still married. I am not sure how truely happy they are but I know that they are very content with their relationship.<p>I don't know if what I wrote has made any sense but I would be glad to answer any question that any of you might have that might help you.

Thank you for sharing your story other child. Do you have any contact with the biologicall father and that side of the family now?

Dear TOC,<p>I just wanted to let you know that I am in your mom's shoes. One thing that we do plan on doing is letting the kids know about what happened. Right now, Abbi is only 8 months old, so it is a little young.<p>My question for you is at what age do you think it would have been better for you to know about your parentage? My H and I have put a child up for adoption, when we were just out of high school, and our other 2 children know of that sister. They are 11 and 9, and we do want to tell them as well, just don't know when the right time would be.<p>In our case, we are going to treat this as delicately as possible. The xOM became quite violent when it all came out and he realized that I was staying w/my H. He never knew about the pregnancy, and we don't want him to know either(because of the violence).<p>The words we are probably going to use will be as if my H adopted Abbi(his name is on the birth cert, but we will probably say something like Daddy chose to be your Daddy). We have struggled with this part of our situation for a while. We just don't know when the best time would be, or exactly how to go about it.<p>I am glad that you have come here, and hope that you can receive some of the help that you are surching for. Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot out there, in the line of books, to help in these situations.<p>Tigger

Whatif,<p>I now have no contact with the biological father. We tried to have a relationship at one time, mostly just over the phone, but this was just making things more difficult on me. Then he began telling me what a terrible man my dad(the man that raised me) was and that made my decision very easy to no longer have any contact with him. <p>Tigger,<p>I am really unsure on how to answer your question! I don't know at what age I would had wanted to know I just wish I grew up knowing rather than finding out as an adult. I think that you are right to kinda treat this along the same lines of an adoption and should be able to find information at what age is best to tell them.<p>I know that in my previous posting I talked about being open and honest and this is going to sound a bit contradictive but there is a huge part of me that wishes I just would have never found out the truth. If I had to know I would have wanted to grow up with that knowledge but finding out as an adult made it very hard. BUT depending on how many people know of your situation you would always have a fear that Abbi would find out through someone else. I still have never told my children the truth and this is mainly because my Dad (the man that raised me) still denies that it is true and my children are now 9,7 and 5. But I feel that they don't need to know right now but I have a large fear that they will hear it from someone else at sometime in their life. So how am I doing with the open honesty thing??<p>I wish that I had an easy answer for you and I don't know If anything that I have said even makes sense but I too am struggling still with the situation and probably will for the rest of my life. I believe that whatever you and your husband decide just go with it you will be fine. I don't think my parents ever openly talked about me.<p>One more thing before I go! I had mentioned that I had dealt with this well for many years and let me tell you why!! I decided, after getting over the initial shock, that I was blessed that if it wasn't for my mom having an affair that I would not be here today and would not have the 3 beautiful children that I have. I am sure that Abbi will also feel like a blessing at some point in her life.<p>[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: the other child ]</p>