My husbad and I have been married for 3 years now. I am his 3rd wife and we have a 2 year old child together. (He had no children with his previous marriages) We tried to conceive another child and after 6 months of Infertility Treatments, we were about to give up, when I became pregnant in January. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage in February. I was devastated and my husband blamed me. He began staying after work and drinking, then coming home and saying some very hurtful things to me and then pass out. Then in April, I had an abnormal pap smear test result. I had (3) procedures done to try to control what the doctor called HPV. The stress was building in my home and the drinking continued as the verbal abuse got worse. I went back to the doctor this past November and the doctor stated I needed a Biopsy surgery as the cells were rapidly getting worse. When I went back in for a post-surgery check-up at the beginning of this month, I was told I had cervical cancer and that I needed a hysterectomy. (Which will be this coming January) I am devastated, scared and feel like this past year has brought me nothing but tragedy. My husband continues to drink and come home and say very mean things to me and pass out. He tells me that if I dont like his drinking, I can leave (but not with my daughter). The night I told him I have cancer...he never once hugged me or showed compassion in any way. I think he hates me. (He acts like he does) Tonight was the thing that convinces me that he maybe never loved me (only the thought of having children that he never got in his previous marriages). He came home drunk and when I asked him why he is doing this and that I need him to be here for me (sober). He told me to deal with it. He told me pretty much that if I dont like it I can leave and that he had no use for me anymore since I now am "damaged goods"! I am numb and feel very alone. I have not had my surgery yet and am still trying to deal with the news of my cancer....and instead of him saying "I am here for you"; he gets drunk and tells me I am now damaged goods. Do people's TRUE feelings really come out when they have been drinking? How am I supposed to go on? How can I ever trust that anything he ever says is the truth anymore? How am I supposed to emotionally deal with my medical problem and be allowed to cope with my disease when I have the stress of my husband blaming me for him only having one child ever in his life? How can I go on? How do I get through this? He is not even allowing me to feel, or say or cope with this. He blames me and hates me for this. I tried to tell him that I never wanted this to happen. I mean, my gosh...I am scared. But, what can I do?....I feel very alone.

I am so sorry that you are hurting right now, and I pray for your total well being!

Your doctor should have told you that HPV can be sexually transmitted. This is an awful question to ask, but has your H been tested? Could he have passed it on to you?

You might want to post this link on the "emotional needs" board; you would get more responses.

Your first step is to call AA to get some support as the wife of an alcoholic. Support meetings are run through churchs, Y's, hospitals, and in many other easily accessible areas.

hugs,

jo

All-Alone---

I wanted to add that you're NOT alone

I also wanted to welcome you to the boards, and to tell you that I am linking this thread to
Emotional Needs....look for it under that category

Hugs
jo

My spouse and I just read your story. Take a look through the Harley Concepts and articles. There is some good writing on addictions. Which is what your husband has. And he probably has experienced this alcohol addiction for a long time. Your illness and loss of the second baby are important to deal with. He can't/won't deal with this, or you. He is hung up with this addiction. And there is probably another problem, solely to do with this man (and absolutely nothing to do with you), a reason he is an alcoholic.

If you are planning on staying with this man, then you ought to seek some support as JoJo states. The addictions are a big problem. And marriages cannot compete with them. And to learn how to talk and deal with him at all, you NEED that support system.

You must take care of your health. And as JoJo said, the HPV was most likely passed to you from him. Have you been routinely recieving PAPs and physical exams? And this man you are married to, should get an exam as well.


Your spouse is engrossed in his own disease, so you need to take care of yourself. He will not be available for any positive assistance to you, due to his bad illness of alcoholism. My spouse said that in your story, it sounds as though he has had alcoholism long before you and three wives ago.

Please take care of you and your child. You can get a ton of verbal support here as well. But seek some of the professional areas for these important problems.

And God bless you.

WFLOWER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

All-Alone,

First, I want to give you my two cents. I want you to get really mad, mad at what he's doing and saying to you. Right now you are in the fight of your life for your health, and the last thing you need is to have your self-esteem brought down by this thing (I want to call him a man, but he's not a man).

Second, I want to add to jojo's question. She asked whether or not your H has been tested for HPV, which she indicates is sexually transmitted. Let's go one step further and assume that he has/had HPV, and has sought treatment (without you knowing).

My two cents are that his horrible abusive actions are motivated by guilt. Let's assume that he did give it to you, then we also have to assume that he slept with someone else, which then caused you to miscarriage, get cancer, and now require life altering surgery.

If this is a plausible scenario, then the threats of you leaving are probably motivated by his desire to stop being reminded of all the damage he's done.

I suggest you search his stuff for any medical check-ups, see if he has any recent prescriptions, see if you can get any information from his family physician's secretary about past visits (tell them you got a bill for the visit, and think it's outrageous but can't read the date, etc.).

I'm sure you would want nothing more than for him to be there for you, but he is not, so stop wanting, which only increases your stress. Accept the fact that these are his actions chosen by him, not by you, and that it is not your responsibility to do, be, or say something to make him act otherwise.

Tell yourself that he is being horrible, that he is chosing to act in a horrific way towards you, and that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that he is acting this way towards you, rather it is his fault for treating you badly and get mad.

You need to get mad at his behavior, which will give you strength to fight this.

Sorry you are here for this reason - it has to be tough.

You now have to be tough - you need to be strong for yourself during this time - and most of all for your little girl. She needs her mommy, don't let her down. That's a big load to give you - but one of the fiercest reasons I know to overcome cancer!!! Don't let it win.

You are NOT damaged goods - HE is. HE's choosing to drink - you did not choose cancer. He's choosing to be abusive - you did not choose to be ill. He's choosing wrongly - you had no choice.

Do not allow his damaged views of life to affect you - find support in local cancer groups, walk for life, etc. there are plenty of support groups around - find one that will help you. You need a mentor right now to help you through all of this.

Blessings,

Jan

All Alone,

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry you are going through this situation. I want to second what several others have said, that your H is going through an addiction and is not going to be there for you at this point. He is choosing his actions and is choosing to hurt you.

You need to focus on YOU. Go to Al Anon, find a support group through your physican or local hospital to help you deal with the cancer and the upcoming events. You are going to need help getting through this.

Come here when you need support we'll do all we can. Do you belong to a church, if so talk to someone there that would be willing to help you. Do you have family near? If you'll tell us what area you are in maybe we can direct you to some support groups.

None of this is you fault, you are a beautiful person to stay and try to make your marriage work.

You will be in my prayers.

le

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: Le ]</small>

I posted my original message last night and was very surprised to see so many replies already this morning. You people are wonderful....I read all your replies and feel very grateful to know that there are people out there that care. THANK YOU!!!!! In response to some of your comments - My doctor did tell us that the HPV was transmitted by him or a previous partner of mine years ago and we could have never known it. I was married once before for 12 years and my first husband was my first sexual encounter. I asked my current husband about his previous marriages and his previous sexual partners and he almost blew his top that I would even think I got this from him! [Perhaps the next time he calls me damaged goods, maybe I should read to him once again the paper the doctor gave us about the fact that he probably gave it to me]
I do know that I need to seek some couseling for ME...I feel I need the opportunity to deal with what I am going through and that I can not worry about his problem. (No matter how much it hurts) I feel like I should not have to validate his feelings right now as I have enough I my plate. I only hope that I can stay strong for my girls. (I have a 12 year old from my previous marriage also) Does anyone know where I can begin to look for help? I want to thank you all so much for all your well wishes and kindness. There are truly good people out there...Thank you for making me feel so "not-alone".

Talk about how you feel, questions, conversations. There are a bunch of folks here who have stopped drinking alcohol, and it is something that you can get answers for yourself about all of this. Post more questions, and concerns. It will help as you are probably most unable to talk to your H who is still imbibing.

This is a very caring site, for the most part. And lots of ideas shared makes a burden lighter, as most of us can attest!

How are you doing today? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

All Alone,

How are you making it this New Years. Just Checking on ya.


{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Le

All-Alone,

There is something else you should focus on over and above the alcohol, and that is his verbal abuse towards you. When you see your counselor, please make sure you that you mention the possibility of verbal abuse. A good counselor will know how to determine if it is actually taking place.

A good book for you to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans.

All-Alone:

HPV is Human Paploma Virus which is commonly know as genital warts.

It is an STD and your husband needs to be tested. He could have it and where you got it is now beside the point.

What you are describing is most certainly at least a "verbally abusive" relationship. You are ill, your husband is ill as well (yes I said he is ill), any man who repeatedly drinks to the point of unconciousness is ill.

But right now yours is the greater need. You cannot deal with his illness while you are ill. BTW just another note, if you leave and take your daughter, there isn't a thing he can do about it legally. Until there is a court order in place you can take her and never let him see her again if you want to.(I know that sounds hateful, but if he is drinking on a regular basis, he is dangerous to her and she shouldn't be left with him.

I would seek out a cancer support group and take excellent care of yourself. When you are physically back in shape, then you can decide whether or not to face your husband's drinking head on or bow out gracefully.

Good luck to you and much prayers.

I am so sorry to you. All through my ordeal I have always said that I know there are people out there that are going through much worse, and I am so sorry. My main post is He says he loves me, but is not "in love". I don't have much in the way of advise to give I am sorry to say, but I do have a lot in the way of encouragement, you stay strong for your children. I have one of mine sitting on my lap right now and that's the reason why I'm giving 200%. Best of luck, please be well...

All Alone

How are you dear? Nobody has posted you after me. I've been thinking about ya. Take care.

m01069,
Thank you so much for your well wishes, prayers and concern. I am...OK...Just ok. Still the same around here pretty much, but I have to say MY attitude has changed. I am coming up near to my surgery date (January 29th) for hopefully the start of my uphill battle with the cancer. I then know I will be fighting for myself and for the benefit of my girls. I feel myself as being changed now in that I am scared of the surgery and what is yet to come for me that I have (at least for now) put my husband and all of HIS problems aside. I can not be strong for him and help him get through his problem as I need to be too strong for ME right now. I guess it took awhile and a lot of advice (from friends, from this sight and from the cancer support group) to realize that it should be ALL about ME right now. I was also told from ALANON that I can not help him if he does not see a problem. Therefore, I have decided to stop exhausting myself right now as I feel my own self and my children are more important right now. It took a lot for me to realize that he was just feeding off my scared, helpless feelings. But, I am feeling stronger now, scared....terrified...but stronger in so many other ways. I have so much more to struggle with and feel I could not do it without realizing first that I can not help him. He still says things to me...but I think he is realizing that right now he can not hurt me as that is all petty to me right now. I have more important things to deal with. I think he was taken back at first when he noticed that I could care less about his feelings...I guess it hurt me to act so tough at first...but that is tough love I suppose.
THANK YOU so very much for your concern. The people here are WONDERFUL listeners. Take care and good luck to you, too. Karen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All Alone

You have the best attitude. You are in the situation where it should be all about you and your children. I am not sure if you are religious, but if you are listen please. I was brought up devote Roman Catholic. I have wandered from the church and lost my faith in God when my father died 10 years ago this Feb., I was only 22 years old. When my H laid this on me, my sister told me to put my faith in God, he will provide comfort. I, not thinking, said "I have issues there". Well, my mom mailed me a pamphlet called "Live Joyfully". I read it, and started praying, like I have never prayed before. Although the praying hasn't "fixed" things, I feel at peace. It's unexplainable. I told my sister that when this all began, my strict upbringing told me to pray, but my inner feelings said I would be selfish to turn to God in this time of utter despair when I have turned away from him for so long. She assured me that God will never turn his back on me.

I apologize if you are not in a religion where you believe in the same God as I and I hope you didn't take offense. You hold on to your symbol of hope.

m01069,
First of all, you could not offend me by speaking your thoughts, feelings and beliefs so please don't feel you did. Actually, I was baptised Methodist and in 2000, I converted to Catholic. Although I am not attending church...I always believed that it is what you feel inside that gives you the faith. I can't say that I have changed my beliefs recently, but I guess felt very confused regarding them. With my husband as his actions, the mis-carriage in February 2003 and the diagnosis of cancer....I must say I have fallen out of many of my thoughts that faith (no matter what religion) gets you no where. Not to say I do not still believe in some way (I do)..it just seems to be very tough right now to think that this is all in HIS plan for me. I know we are created to accomplish something in our lives...and given tests along the way. But, with all that has happened, it is hard to believe that I would be given so many tests at one time. I can't imagine (yet) what my accomplishment in life will be but I do think it will be due to the tradgedies happening now. I thank you for your kindness and insight. I hope you have peace this February in remembering your father and celebrate his LIFE (not hurt from his death). My prayers and thoughts are with you and appreciate your friendship! Karen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Your thoughts about religion are the same as mine, which is another battle I am having with myself is I am trying to put my faith into God.

My doubts lie in situations like you are in. They say God never gives more than one person can handle, and he has a plan for all of us, etc.. Well, I don't know about you but I wouldn't even wish what you are going through on my worst enemy, plan or no plan.

So, you know what Karen. I wish you all the thoughts in whatever is going to give you the greatest of comfort. I send you some of my strength, your battle needs it more than mine.

Great book to read prior to surgery - "SMART TALK" by Lou Tice. You may find yourself being assertive with a few doctors and nurses as a result of reading the book. You already demonstrate a natural affinity for what he teaches.