Ok, Today is a very hard day for me. My H still wants to work on our marriage but apart from living with each other. We will be moving in January to seperate apartments. I am emotionally tired of trying so hard, I say I Love you alot, I am always the one touching, hugging, and kissing. And I want that to come from him. I havent cried in such a long time, and today that is all I have been doing. OW found out she was having a boy, and all I can think about is if it was me that would be my son. It hurts so much. I want to be stronger, but the pain and the tears wont go away. H keeps telling me that he thinks things will work out for us in the end, I am ready to walk away. I thought I could save us on my own and now I am realizing that it is very hard. So I will do as he asks and we will seperate, and as time passes I know I will heal. I just cant stop asking why did this happen to me.....I need to stop crying now. Thank You all for being there.<p>Jessica <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

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I'm sorry Jessica...I don't know what to say...perhaps some distance may help you both. My counselor said I was trying to hard and needed to back off. Maybe a breather would be needed? <p>I hurt for you and know that I care. I will be praying for you and that you will know peace. That is all I can say to you. I wish we were all together somewhere where we can meet for coffee, tea, _________________(Fill in drink of choice) <p>Please keep posting and keep us updated on you. I care and know that others care too.
Hugs,
Twiisty

(((Jessica)))<p>I'm so sorry things aren't going right for you. All I know to say is this is going to be a long ride and it has only begun so don't give up yet. <p>I will be thinking about you and if you need to talk log on to AOL I'll be there till 5pm.<p>Hugs,
Jules

Jessica,<p>I found out also about 2 weeks ago that ow is having a boy. It kills me too, knowing that should be our first son, our first child. I know what it's like to cry all day, everyday...at least once, and i know EXACTLY what that pit feels like in your heart. I don't think any of us here ever see clearly again without that confusion and lack of understanding the simple question of WHY ME? I am still in a denial stage, ow is 5-6 mo pregnant and i convince myself that she WILL NOT carry to term, she just can't. I think i can only handle my emotions now because the baby has not been born yet, but i fear the month of April...i pray God would come for us before that month all the time...The Bible says to pray for Jesus to come quickly so that is what i pray for.<p>Well, just know that you are not alone and we are all here for you and share with you in every tear and all the hard days.<p>God bless,
julia

I have noticed lately that I am falling back into a depressive state (maybe I never got out of it). One again I have started to dance with the idea that I just want to die. I know it is unhealty, but I have become extremelly frustrated at the thought that H has now decided that he does not want to deal with this now, he will deal with it when the time is right..My resonse is (WHAT!!! HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE!!! WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE!!! and then back to HOW COULD HE???. I have attempted suicide, I even know what the fastest, easiest, and cleanest way to kill yourself is.( Unhealthy thoughts), I really am scared because I see myself walking back to a dark corner and crying and although I know that my family is there for me and you guys are there for me, the person I want to comfort me and tell me everything will be ok is not there, My great protector is the one that stabbed me in the heart, It still does not make sense,, Do I make sense? Sorry to be such a downer. Bye, Jessica

jessica, i know what you arew going thru. i don't know how to say this any other way except point blank. there is no reason on God's green earth that you should have any ideas about is taking your life. i am praying that you only used that as an expression and it was not meant to be taken literally. i don't care who (and i include my w) but there is not a single person in this world worth tha end result. you are the good one here and the world needs more people who are willing to stand up and fight for the right things. fact be told that when this is said and done for yourself and all those in our position, we are the ones who will be missed when and if our knucklehead spouses figure it out. please and i mean this from my heart take care of YOURSELF. i had to learn this the hard way. just more facts we all have to face. life may not always turn out as we had planned but God will reward those of us who survive with our hearts in tact. we may have dealt with enormous pain but we will all be stonger in the long run for. remember there is really an Angel watching over you.

Jessica,<p>Just like Pops said, there is truly no reason for you to take your life. Sweetie, i have thoughts just like you, but you know what, ow is not worth it! Our anguish and pain that OTHERS caused us is not worth it. Just like any other hardship we have dealt with in life, time can heal our wounds and our broken hearts. For a while there i was so so broken, stricken with constant anxiety and nervousness, screaming, crying, shaking that i thought i am practically already dead. My h may not have physically killed me, but in every other way he had. As time goes by, i am stronger with every day that the Lord gives me. He can give you the same strength, and because you are still breathing and struggling and trying - He already has started blessing you with his power to endure this trial and have victory over this battle.<p>I tell my self that ow is not worth my life. My h's stupidity is not worth my life. They are just NOT that powerful, and if my life ends it is because God called me home - on HIS time. Not that this is the important reason, but these OW want more than anything to be US, to be h's wife. I would never give her that satisfaction, not in a million years!<p>I know what you mean about wanting h to be the ONE to comfort and tell us everything is going to be ok and assure us of their love. My family is there for me to, but like you, i need my h's love and support above all. And when we don't get it, i know how heartbreaking that can be.<p>What state do you live in? If someone is close to you on this board, i think one of us needs to meet you for coffee or something...<p>Do you have an email address so i can write you?
Mine is Julia1367@yahoo.com if you want to write privately.<p>Big Hugs...God bless,
Julia<p>[ December 21, 2001: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

Jessica,<p>I didn't post right away as I was praying for you and thinking about what to write. <p>Please do not consider harming yourself in any way... you are far too valuable to God and to us for you to go anywhere.<p>I know this kind of pain and sense of loss and betrayel runs deep. It cuts to the very core of your being. Of that kind of pain, I, and many others on this particular forum know of that kind of pain. It hurts. It numbs and it makes you feel and think things that at times you would normally be able to withstand.<p>Please take a deep breath and keep posting away here...I would love to read all your ventings, frustrations, sadness and even depression posts than to have you feel you have nobody.<p>Have you sought out counseling? If it is a matter of money, there are churches who offer counseling on a sliding scale fee. (I don't presume to know your situation, please do not be offended!)<p>The counselor that I am seeing wants me to be on zoloft (the only anti-depressent that I can take safely while nursing my son). I feel better today than I ever did when D-Day hit me May 1st. BUT...I know that I am still "down" deep in my soul and I am making an appt. with my daughter's P-doc to see about if this is worth pursuing.<p>I am here for you. If you connect with Julia, I give Julia permission to give you my e-mail addy too. I would love to be there for you during this difficult time. WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. ONE SECOND, ONE MOMENT, ONE NANOSECOND AT A TIME.<p>I hope you post soon. I do want to know how you are doing and I will be praying for you as the Lord leads and asking His protection over you.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

Jessica reading your pain reminds me of myself last year. It's so incredible the hurt and pain. I also wanted to drive to one of their "parking lot hotels" and swallow pills and die. Leaving my h to get a call and finding out where I died to pay him back!<p>Don't do it Jessica! All of these women told me the same thing! DON'T do it. It would not be worth it.<p>Seek counseling and perhaps go on anti-depressants for a while to help your moods. I did for 7 months and am now better w/o them. It helped me overcome some dark days last spring when h moved out for 6 weeks.<p>C'mon honey. Cry and rant and scream and rage but never commit suicide over this. You will make it sweetie! You will. You found all of us and you are just starting out in this mess.<p>Follow some well given advice from ahead of me. Please let us know you're ok. Please.
love
Debi

Jessica,<p>I wanted you to know you had my support. I agree with everyone else, no man or womann is worth your life. Please make an appointment with a doctor and get on some anti-depressants today. <p>You in my thoughts and prayers.<p>
Unsure

Jessica<p>I know right now that the pain is so great and that it will never go away but just like everyone has said, it is absolutely not worth it! You are a stronger woman than that and you have so much support for you here. Please read my email I sent you and take it to heart.<p>You definitely need to check into finding a counselor that can help you with these feelings you are having and I think seeing a doctor is a great idea too. Please email me back or post here to let us know how you are today. I will be thinking of you.<p>Hugs
Jules

I think I have completely pulled myself mentally from the situation. I am so damn pissed that my H acts as if nothing has happened , when he gets upset with me because I cry, I tell him he has no idea what I am going through and his reply is " Do you think this is easy for me" If there is a fog he is definietly in one. I know in time things will get better, and as I said before I cant believe that I am where I am and this amount of time has passed. While I was driving today I started thinking again about everything he did with her, his kiss, his touch, his passion, even his laugh, all meant to be mine in that way , and now it was shared with someone else. When I kiss him, hold him, I feel like it is not enough, I dont want to feel so damn desperate, I want him to realize what I believe I am and what he has told me I am , and for him to not be so sure that I would not leave him, I am scared ..........

Jessica, I may soon be a newcomer to this board, but I sincerely hope not... my H is telling me... she,... the OW might be PRegnant... he thinks she is... and he says she will not have an abortion.. OH MY! I see how ,low you are feeling and I know why. I feel awful... I am sure you were once in my shoes, and did not know yet... or it was maybe that she was pregnant... an OW that gets preg. has to be so selfish to want to keep the child... I mean there is adoption, and abortion, I am not oppossed, as I am sure many of you are not... butr looks as if... this is more common than not... a desperate woman... will do desperate things... STAY strong and know you are of great value, and you are a great and wonderful person... I can tell by reading what you had to say. Are you in church... it is really helping me to get more involved wth a church, I already have 2 boys... and OH MY G! this crzy OW keeps telling my H she loves him and my kids, and she wants to have his baby... maybe she really is preg. and he is afraid to tell me? I do not know at this point. thanks, l I am praying for you Jessica.

Jessica,<p>Let us know how you are doing... I am praying for you.<p>Honey,<p>That is the response that i got from my h when i asked him point blank if ow was pregnant. He said, "she might be". I was shocked and started to walk around the house with no direction and fell on my bed, crawled up in a ball and remember every bit of my insides felt as if they were demolished. I certainly hope that the "might be" part is true and hopefully she is not pregnant. Just ask h to be honest with you, you need to know if she is pregant or not.<p>Julia