Again I want to thank those of you that responded to my "Where Do We Begin" post the other day. It helped considerably hearing all of the insight.<p>I am kind of at a loss as to what to try to handle first about this situation. There are so many issues at work here. Of course I have the infidelity issue and all of the problems which are introduced into a marriage from it. After I found out about my husband's OC, we began to work on saving our hemoraging marriage. I told my husband that he had to tell my about any other infidelities in his past if he wanted our marriage to truly be saved. He confessed to a total of 3 affairs in our 21 years of marriage. All of the affairs were very short in duration...2 were one night stands, one was a few weeks in duration. I won't go into the facts that helped me confirm his descriptions, but I know that he is telling me the truth about the duration of each one. The OW, when she wrote to inform him of the OC and her intent on establishing paternity, discussed the fact that their "very brief" relationship had produced a child. I am stating this to say that it doesn't seem to be emotional needs motivating my husband to be unfaithful. It appears to be more sexual in nature, and believe it or not, we really have a very open and exciting love life. I am having trouble understanding this need of his. His last one-nighter was 3 years ago when we were having some major problems stemming from finances and child-rearing, so maybe emotional needs are at the root. He just never has developed an emotional connection to the women he cheated with. It almost seems like he was out to hurt me in secret..meaning only he would know that he had done this. I don't understand it so I am just grasping at straws.<p>Okay, so that is one aspect of this mess. Additionally, we have the decisions to make regarding the OC, who is now 10 years old and who my husband has never had any contact with. Neither one of us want to hurt this child, however we aren't sure if we can merge the OC in any way into our existing family. My H really doesn't even want to see a picture of the OC at this point. I can only guess that it will make it too real. We don't know how to proceed about CS either. She hasn't ever mentioned wanting any (she is recently remarried) however she said she wants a name on her child's birth certificate.
Should we offer some amount or should we wait for her lead? We are trying to avoid a court mandated amount because we are fearful it will be impossible to meet the amount they may set.<p>Finally, we have the issue of whether to tell our teenage children and the rest of our extended family. It concerns me to keep it quiet because I feel we will be deceiving our children and not being a true family--harboring secrets about a sibling - even if it is only a half. Does their right to know outweigh the potential damage to them? We can't seem to come up with the answer to that question yet. <p>I realize I have probably posed some unanswerable questions, but I truly don't know where to begin. We have no counselors in our town, and the largest major city is 1 1/2 hours away, so we are in a bind about receiving the help we so desparately need. <p>I have bought the book Torn Asunder, and that helped some, but mostly it covers affairs of the heart, not affairs of the lust variety. Do any of you know any good material to read if your spouse has the one-night stand variety of affairs?<p>Any help or advise is greatly appreciated. Prayers would be even more welcome.
Thanks for listening.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by posey:
<strong><p>1. My H really doesn't even want to see a picture of the OC at this point. I can only guess that it will make it too real. <p>2. she wants a name on her child's birth certificate.<p>
3. Finally, we have the issue of whether to tell our teenage children and the rest of our extended family. It concerns me to keep it quiet because I feel we will be deceiving our children and not being a true family--harboring secrets about a sibling - even if it is only a half. Does their right to know outweigh the potential damage to them? </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
1. If there will be no contact, there is no reason to announce your personal business. If your husband doesn't want to see the picture, don't force it. If he doesn't want contact, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. Too often our husbands forget where their loyalties and priorities lie after this crisis and indulge the OW and see the OC even when they really don't want to out of a sense of misplaced guilt. This is not a reason to see or be involved with OC.<p>2. She wants? It's not up to her and no one should cave to her whims and wishes. If she is remarried, she has a last name for the OC. The only desires that need to be satisfied right now are yours and your hsuband to concentrate on the marriage and the healing process. Nothing else matters right now except that.<p>3. My adult children do not know and won't know unless it comes out years down the road when it won't matter that much. Right now it would be too traumatizing and it's none of their business or anyone elses what has happened. It does not concern anyone but my husband and me and it is a private matter. No one has the right to know something this personal just because they are a member of our family. It might be a secret, but it is our secret and we do not beleive this is the time to tell them if ever. You are not giving them any information that will enhance their lives or any information that is any of their business. It's personal. I am sure there are many things you have kept from your family or children that was private between you and your husband. This can be one of them and if discovered later down the road, I can explain it that way. Unless you are going to incorporate this OC into your lives, I see no reason to announce this news. But, this is how I am handling it and it is right for me and just my opinion. Everyone has to do whatever works best for them.<p>Catnip =^^=

posey,<p>You asked so here goes...<p>Can you get marriage/family counseling? If not locally, it would be worth it to consult with one of the (MB) Harleys. Also take the LoveBusters and Emotional Needs quizzes w/your H, and look at the MB policies for a healthy marriage. Did you see my post "thoughts for newbies(again)"?<p>As for your H's affair type, look up www.affairs-help (or affair no s--I forget) and take the quiz. Conflict avoider is a very common and my H's type... sounds familiar. Affair as a passive-aggressive way to avoid facing you.<p>Tell XOW you and H need time to adjust to this news before you decide TOGETHER how you want to handle OC. Always present a united front to XOW. <p>Protect yourself legally. See if XOW can sue for back ch-support!!! Many things to do if that is possible. Don't give money yet if she's not asking for any... check out the legalities!<p>Don't tell your kids until you're ready your own selves. They KNOW there's something up but you can say it's grown-up or personal, not their fault, and you and H're working it out.<p>You and H will eventually come to a mutual agreement whether you want contact w/OC. (obviously if you decide on contact, you'll have to deal with telling your kids). Tread carefully, as so many hearts can break. You don't know if this is really coming from OC or some weirdness from the XOW, but in a case like yours, maybe XOW's mature enough to not just be after something herself. It's possible OC is just curious what her biological father looks like, but if she's got a step-father, overall (imo) it would be best for all if he adopted her and released your H from all financial and emotional responsibility. <p>I've told 3 stories on this site repeatedly that kinda relate and I'm willing to write them again if necessary. A)one of our counselors in 1999 had experience with counseling teens re: their father's OC. B)As a teen myself, I met an 18yo cousin/OC fathered by my uncle. C)I had a friend in college who was also an OC.<p>These experiences helped lead H and I to decide to stay in some contact with his OC even though we are long distance. We would prefer to have adopted the child out, or have full custody, or the XOW to remarry a decent man, but none of those things are under our control!! We send court-ordered ch-support, gifts to OC, and are open to contact if OC wants later, but XOW is not allowed to call the shots (she tried!). NO solo communicating between H and XOW!! <p>Every situation is different. If you're in a small town with this other family, you have everyone's reputation and feelings to consider, including your children and extended family.<p>Whatever you decide, put your marriage FIRST or it will not survive this horror.<p>People on this site will (crashers aside) support you in your marriage whether you chose contact or no-contact w/OC. Your marriage and the children you have to support emotionally are the important things.<p>Prayers,
J

Posey,<p>I agree with Catnip and Jenny on these things.<p>The only thing I would add or stress is find out the legalities of it from your state. Get advice from an attorney (hopefully a good one and not the creep we have!)<p>I agree that the marriage comes first. Once things settle a bit emotionally for you, then you can decide with your H about what do you plan to do about the OC. Pending that mutual decision between the two of you, then you can decide who to tell, what to tell or if to tell etc.<p>In our experience, we choose no contact, ever and if our OW's fiance wants to adopt our OC, we will sign the papers with blessings and prayers. My H originally wanted to adopt the OC out, but OW was using the child as a desparate attempt to keep my H in her life. (long story, different threads!)<p>We plan to tell our two children, ages 2 and 8 months old now when they are older...probably around 15/16 years of age and in counseling. We want to tell them just before OC gets old enough to want to seek out my H if that could happen in the future.<p>My two older girls, that my H supports 100% (because my ex doesn't) will be told on a need to know basis (they are 8 and 6 now) already they know that mom and dad have some problems but that it isn't them and they are satisfied with that for now.(I don't really want my ex's family to find out and use this against us in anyway...my ex's family is like dealing with a bunch of deranged OW's in itself!!!)<p>Should OC seek us out in the future, we plan to honestly answer her questions, but at this point, my H feels that he doesn't want her in our lives at all due to the OW and her ways. I figure my H knows her (OW) better than I do so his decision sticks. (OW has proven herself to be rather unstable towards us and our peace, but really takes care of OC well otherwise we would have CPS on her tail).<p>These are just some things we plan to do at this moment, but I am learning real quick that things change and adjustments need to be made and who knows what tomorrow may bring?<p>But for now that is how we are planning to tell our children. What I am concerned about is how my (now) 2 year old daughter is going to take the news that OC is two and a half weeks older than her. I didn't take it that well myself...I hope that DD and my H's relationship grows stronger now to weather that time when H has to tell her that there is someone two and a half weeks older than her... a weird "twin" if you will....<p>*sigh*<p>Hope you get things worked out for you and that you get the counseling that you need to move on from this. One thing I have learned is that the only way to go is to go forward and move on...it's hard, it's rough, but it can and will be done...I will pray for you. Please continue to post, vent, share, and all with us here...it helped me and I know it will help you.<p>Sending prayers and hugs your way...
Twiisty

By the way, I have read the book, "Torn Asunder" I didn't get much out of it...if you really want a good book and one that helped me immensely, I would recommend the book, "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and Jennifer Harley Chalmers...<p>I had the opportunity to talk to Jennifer Harley Chalmers in a counseling session once and it helped me immensely. It put into perspective my feelings about OC and things and that is how I was directed to this site.<p>Try to check out the book, "surviving an affair" it did more for me than the others. <p>Hugs,
Twiisty<p>P.S.
my H is almost finished with that book and he found it helpful in understanding my feelings.

I was thinking the same thing as Jenny about why your H may have these short term affairs. My h affair was also short term 3-4 months. I also went to that website Jenny posted and agree that my h affair was conflict avoidance and somwhat intimacy issues for him as well. He is learning that conflict is not the evil thing he thought it was.
I also agree that should not tell your children until you know exactly what the two of you want to do. Maybe even see how things go before you include them. This could shatter their world and I would have counseling available to them. I will be praying for you and your family.