If you remember, MM was supposed to call me to inform me of his reduction in pay and that he couldn&#8217;t pay the full CS amount. He wouldn&#8217;t do it so his W did it. I had told her it wasn&#8217;t a problem. Well, in our marathon phone calls, it came up again. I asked her if H had filed paperwork to modify the CS amount. He hasn&#8217;t. W was so frustrated. She said that even if he did, it would still make things difficult financially because they would have to incur the cost of coming here for court. I told her I would check into possibly doing it over the phone. She spoke with H that evening and called me back. She said they would be strapped up until his enlistment anniversary in May, at which time he would receive a large increase in pay and would be able to send the full CS. She wanted to know if we could forego the court thing and set something up privately since it was only for a few months. I was more inclined to do it legally and keep everything above board, for my own protection as well as their&#8217;s(avoid the he said/she said stuff), but, I acquiesced. I told her we could do something privately, but a little more formal than a verbal agreement. She asked me to draw it up and send it to them. What I wrote up was something along the lines of we enter into the agreement to modify CS voluntarily. Based on MM&#8217;s reduction in pay, CS will be reduced to X amount of dollars until such and such date, at which time MM will resume the original, court-ordered amount. In addition, mother waves any arrears and CS is considered to be current. I sent the document last week. Well, today I got a thank you card from BS. She wanted to thank me for being understanding and flexible. It felt good. I wasn&#8217;t just trying to be nice. I was determined to be fair. It felt good to have that acknowledged. I feel really rotten when I doubt her and her good intentions. Like Catnip put it in my other post, this relationship is unnatural. I don&#8217;t mean that in a bad way. It&#8217;s not the norm, but so far it has worked well for us. The 3 of us have so steadfastly focused on doing what is best for Jonas, that our own issues with each other are slowly solving themselves or become unimportant. She didn&#8217;t have to send me a thank you card, but she did&#8230;.and it made me feel good about the choices I&#8217;ve made.<p>I just wanted to share the latest&#8230;..

Ohbratti<p>As a Betrayed Spouse, if I were fortunate enough to have you as the OW in my life, I know that until I knew you better or knew what kind of outstanding woman you are, I would cajole, soft soap, send you thank you notes, talk for hours on the phone bonding with you in an attempt to disarm you. Secretly, I may hate you, resent you, be insanely jealous of you, but to you, I would be charming, dignified, warm, eager to get close, share hilarious jokes (some at the expense of Wayward) and do WHATEVER IT TOOK TO GET YOU TO REDUCE THE CS AMOUNT, FORGIVE ALL ARREARS AND WORK YOU SO YOU WERE AS PLIABLE AS SILLY PUTTY.<p>So, Ohbratti, Mon Ami. I truly have become extremely fond of you and worry for your safety and don't like to think of you being played or manipulated. Your BS sounds like a gem if she is for real. But beyond that, you are truly a gem for helping the situation by forgiving the arrears and going into a private agreement with her so the CS amount won't be so horrible to their finances...which it should never be.<p>By working together like the three of you are, you are truly working in the best interest of Jonas. <p>I know I am highly skeptical, but, even if she is manipulating the situation a little, I am sure it is just because she is scared and the payments are terrible to deal with if they don't have the money...take it from on who certainly knows to the tune of $1300 per month.<p>Your situation sounds almost idyllic and I guess that's what spooks me. I simply cannot imagine anything like that for me.<p>Love <p>Catnip =^^=

Oh, Catnip. I wish you could(imagine it for yourself). It's a situation born of an awful, painful time. But it doesn't have to stay awful. A lot of OW don&#8217;t get that&#8230;.not all, but a lot. That is so frustrating to me. I cannot fathom placing yourself and your needs above those of your child. I cannot even begin to imagine having to constantly battle, argue and fight. Being nasty and mean to someone only blackens your own soul. In the long run, you are the one who suffers the most. It is so not worth it.<p>Thank you for worrying. The thought of being manipulated and/or played is not a fond one. When something doesn&#8217;t seem right, I usually get a funny feeling&#8230;kind of like the proverbial sixth sense. I don&#8217;t get that with this situation. They did not wish to permanently modify the court order. They wanted a temporary fix to a temporary problem. I was the one who stressed the importance of having things in writing. It was I who decided to forgive the arrears. They did not ask it or mention it. I don&#8217;t need that money. The whole point of this modification was so that they could stay afloat. It makes no sense to try and help them stay afloat and, yet, bog them down with having to pay arrears. Let them get back on path and we&#8217;ll start fresh in May. It&#8217;s not hurting Jonas or me. Sometimes, by being generous to others, you give a lot more to yourself.

obratti1,
You are very considerate of MM and his wife and I'm sure that they both appreciate your gracious attitude.<p>You are right that bitterness only hurts the angry person. Someone over on GQII has this saying in their signature line: "Resentment is the poison we take hoping that someone else dies." Something like that. It's true...<p>We can't move forward in life constantly looking through the rear view mirror. Each day is full of opportunities to get past our past. I believe God will provide for you and bless you the same way you have "blessed" BS's family finances. God will make up the difference. We can just keep believing for MM's marriage and career to improve. Keep the faith!

OB1… I think I would give my eyeteeth for our OW to be like you. <p>I wish our ow that would co-operate with us. She has no regard for Lil Bit at all. She seems to be interested in only causing pain for H and me. We worry constantly that Lil Bit isn’t being cared for.<p>Anyway, I just wanted to say that I admire you for your level head in your situation. And I pray that the Lord’s plan for this situation presents itself to you soon.<p>My thoughts and prayers are with you and Jonas.<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God will lead you to
No waters He cannot part;
No brink He cannot cross;
No pain He cannot bear.
~~~~
Unknown

OB1,<p>I just wanted to agree with the above. You are really a great person. I wish my crazy exOW was like you I (before the Jerry Springer/Fatal Attraction crap) thought we could at least be cival but she thought it was my fault that my H begged and pleaded for me to drop the divorce proceedings. <p>
Unsure

Thanks, guys. I'm kind of embarrassed right now. I feel right about what I'm doing and don't know if I could do it any other way. I live by my conscience...so far it's served me well. There's a big difference between acting for personal gain and acting because it's the right thing to do.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> There's a big difference between acting for personal gain and acting because it's the right thing to do. <hr></blockquote><p>Truer words have never been spoken.....I wish my ow were more like you too....but things are the way they are...I am interested in how it all works out for you...praying for you and sending hugs,<p>Twiisty

Ohbratti,<p>I too am and BS, who is amazed at your "fairness" and overall objective attitude. I think that it is because you are properly focusing on Jonas - that things are put into proper perspective.<p>The OW in my situation is not at all in the same place you are. She has four children, by four different men. The OC is 12, and she allowed another man to sign the birth certificate (she said she did not know that OC was WS), when she and WS "hooked up again" (he saw her when he was out bycycling and got her number and started calling her) she told him that she thought OC was his. He took a paternity test. By this time, they had begun affair. The other man (presumed father) is in jail. OW told OC that WS was her father (when WS had asked her to wait so they could do this together, take some time to figure things out). When WS told OW that he and I were going to work on our marriage she provided various responses (voicemails professing her "desparate love", talking about "dreams" she is having about him, to emails saying that she didn't want to be with him and berating him; to posting posters at our residence directed at me saying she was f------ my H and she was the mother of his child; to fabricating two people having sex and telling my H that it was me and him and I was trying to upset her. Today, 3 months after WS ended the affair she still calls and supposedly is only discussing the child. WS says that she is obviously still interested in a relationship with him (evidenced by her voicemails). She calls often to ask for money for OC (when WS is not obligated to provide anything; by law this other man is the father and was paying CS until he went to jail). It is just so maddening! I don't understand how someone like her thinks.<p>I guess I just wanted to vent - yet again. I am in the third month of recovery. I am focusing on me and just watching and listening. WS still talks to OW (supposedly only about the OC), but he is not telling me what she says. He was doing some until two weeks ago. I suspect that he has spoken to her and I suspect that they are talking about more than OC. <p>Pray for me.

I don&#8217;t understand the &#8220;need&#8221; to communicate with your H. For all reason and purpose, OW had another man named as OC&#8217;s father. That served her and her needs right up until she ran into H again. OC did not know H was her father. I think it very cruel to pull the rug out from under her now. And for what?! So that OW can have another go at your H. Spare me! That woman should know better than to do something like this to her own child. Gee, what a mom. &#8220;Here, honey, this is your daddy today&#8230;.but don&#8217;t get too attached &#8216;cause tomorrow, next month, or 10 years from now that might change.&#8221; The legal father doesn&#8217;t sound like he may be the best, but kids don&#8217;t care about that. If OC came to know and love this man as her dad, and he accepted the responsibility, then, damn it, he IS her dad. OW needs to just accept things as they are and move on. Ooooh, I would love to have just a few minutes alone with a women like this. They don&#8217;t give one hoot about doing what is best for their babies. They have their eye on the prize and they don&#8217;t care how they get it. I wonder if she even thinks about how this is affecting her daughter. I wonder if she cares that her daughter may feel totally confused and betrayed&#8230;by her own mother. I wonder if she cares that she&#8217;s setting a very bad example for her daughter. I wonder if she cares that she&#8217;s paving the way for her child to have an equally dysfunctional relationship. Does she realize that she HAS to think beyond tomorrow? I really don&#8217;t get it.<p>It really ticks me off that this mother&#8230;any mother&#8230;.would put herself and her wants before the needs of her child. How utterly selfish.<p>OB1

JustDunno,
I agree with OB1. Why the heck did OW do this to her daughter? She should of left things the way they were. Did OC have a realitionship with the man that signed the BC? Clearly, OW does not seem to care how this is effecting OC. <p>Dawn