First a brief background...together for 10 years married for 5 and 2 children. <p>ok now to my question...Since dday (11/4/01), my H is a completely different person. He calls all the time, he comes straight home from work, he dumped the loser friends which he said he would never do, he doesn't go out anymore, he quit drinking all together, he helps with housework, he is more attentive with the kids...I could go on and on and on. What I want to know if anyone else has ever experienced this and if so, did he eventually stop and go back to his old ways or are you still enjoying this improved person?? I was thinking the other night that I am falling in love with him all over again simply because he is an entirely different person.<p>There once was a time that we couldn't go a week without at least one fight and those fights would drag on for sometimes weeks. Now, I don't even remember the last fight we were in. I just don't want to fall into a trap and this all be just his way of fixing things for now and my marriage going back to the way it was.<p>thank you for any feedback...
Jules

Hi Sweetie!<p>You know that my H (for the most part when I'm not LB'ing) has been pretty much the same as yours and yes, it's been wonderful, but also scary. I don't want to be lulled into some false sense of security just to have it all backfire again!<p>I think that when they are like this it shows us how much they really love us and how much they really want to work on the M. My H never really cared much before and although he's not much of a "talker" he has shown me in so many ways since D-Day (11/05/01) how sincere he is.<p>I know that he wants to be the best H he can be and that he is determined to show me every day that he means it (if I stay out of the way of that!) I believe that if we take it one day at a time with prayer and committment it will be a long-lasting relationship and that it will get better every day as long as we don't allow our fears and insecurities to take it away (well, okay, mine more than yours!)<p>Do you ever check out the In Recovery section? That's where I find the greatest stories of success and it gives me much hope and encouragement.<p>We both are very new at this...hopefully someone will post who can tell us if this is just a "euphoric" stage or if we can expect it not only to last, but also to be able to build on it!<p>You know I love you and pray for you and your H daily! Keep looking up!

Jules,<p>Same here with my H. It's so scary! For some reason I can't remember how H was before D-day. I know we loved each other and were best friends but I can't remember him being this way. I look at this strange man who will do anything for me no matter what and I'm in awe. He's the perfect H he's been this way for 6+ months. I decided to go with the flow and fall in love with him again. So far so good.<p>
Unsure

Well, I'm going to burst everyone's bubble. I have been married 10+ years, 2 kids. My d-day was 2-01, almost exactly a year ago. H and I immediately went into counselling and my H changed his behavior and was the man I had wanted for years. He helped around the house, took more of an interest in the kids, me, what I was doing, etc. Unfortunately, it didn't last. I see now that the behavior changed temporarily but he didn't really change. He couldn't keep his word about not seeing OW (or just didn't tell me unless I asked), even though he said it was only to discuss OC. He kept changing his mind about whether he wanted to be involved in OC's life, etc., etc., etc. He became severely depressed, hospitalized for 2 weeks because he was suicidal. <p>Anyway, to make a long story short, I have filed for divorce, which will be final in about 3 months. Looking back over the years, I see that he was rarely there for me (especially if it would have incovenienced him) and for him to change it would take a long time of intense psychotherapy. I have gone through the worst of it and I am now ready to get on with my life. It's going to be tough on my kids, but we are trying to work things through amicably to protect the kids as much as possible.<p>I hope you all have a different outcome, but please, please, go into this period in your lives with your eyes and ears open. Do not settle for less than you deserve!!!

D-day for me was June 2001. There was a definite HUGE change in my husband. He had the house cleaned up all the time, offered to fix me something to eat, made sure the kids weren't talking back to me, cuddling with me, the whole 9 yards. I found myself falling in love with my husband again.<p>The other day I asked him for a bite of his sandwich and he asked me why hadn't I ordered my own? He rarely picks up anymore, leaves the trash (HUGE lb for me), doesn't kiss me good-bye when leaving, doesn't crawl into bed with me, etc......<p>I am sooo sad about it all. He doesn't see that our relationship is sliding back to what it once was. It seems like ever since I told him that I forgive him, he's stopped trying. It seems like he figures that he knows that I'm staying, so he's out of the woods. <p>I don't think that all relationships go that way, but mine has. It hurts.<p>tinlizzy

Jules,
Yes mine is still doing all these things 3 years this May. We are one of the Marriage builders successes. I could never see my h
going back to the way he was. One thing is I would never put up with any of it ever again. I really think by me allowing my h to treat as he did in the past made him have no respect for me.
When you get in a pattern of working as a team it all seems to come naturally after a while. When you work together it just seems to bring the best out of both of you. I totally understand what you are saying about believing if it will last. It is hard to believe that someone can change this much as mine did. I did allot of changing also. I don't really think mine really liked the person he was before all this anymore then I did. I had made it so easy for him by allowing it.
Lately there hasn't been anything he has done that has bothered me. In the beginning if he did anything that made me think we were slipping back. We would talk about it right away communication does wonders. I think as long as we can keep the communication going and really understand what the other is saying it makes big diffrence.
It really shocked me as to how different what each of us was saying or doing the way the other took it. Men and women defiantly do think differently . Keep up the good work its nice to hear your family is heading in the direction of another success story. with love, flowerseed

Thanks for bringing this topic up! I made sure to bring it up to my husband last night. I was getting so detached that I almost stopped caring and getting ready to move on.<p>The part that I don't understand is that he doesn't see it. He doesn't see that things are different from the first couple of months. <p>I told him that if we're not going to consciously work on this, then let's do it. If not, then let's stop. I'm tired of playing games. I feel like the last 4/5 years of my life have been a lie and I want to get on with it..with or without him. <p>I met my husband when I was 12 and he was 16. We have some very deep, ingrained, ways of being with each other. Some of those things need to change, but it's going to take ALOT of work. This is 20 years that we've been pushing each other's buttons, playing the game, etc. <p>I would agree with flowerseed, the most important thing that you can do is to keep up the communication and all the rest will follow! <p>Keep smiling [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

My husband did this also, but it didn't last. I think that it was the guilt of the pain I was in. He would do anything so that I wouldn't kick him to the curb. So he was helpful and totally involved.<p>But that ended. he still can't keep his promise not to drink ever again. Because it was a drunken one night stand. Which was one of my stipulations. He says he can control going out and having one beer or two. But that is how that evening started when he was on annual training for the Army. Now it is as if it was before. This changed behaviour for me lasted about two months. like I said as long as I was going to try and save the marriage. I think once that was realized he went back to his old self.<p>Of course he swears he has changed a ton, which makes me wonder what he was like when he wasn't at home. Because I haven't seen any changes here. My dday was Feb 9, 2000, in fact two years this week, ouch.<p>babstr.

So babstr, whatcha doin' still with him? Are you guys still working on things or just going on because it seems easier to do that?<p>I have this sick feeling in my stomach that my husband is just not going to work on this and I don't know if I have the guts to leave. <p>tinlizzy

Tinlizzy,
You said,
"...I don't know if I have the guts to leave"<p>For a long time I didn't have the guts to leave either. Looking back, it's something I should have done years ago, even before my H's affair. You have to get to the point that you realize that you are a strong, capable person in your own right, regardless of what kind of person your H is. I had sort of an epiphany several months ago and realized that I had done everything that I could and I am strong enough to be without my H. Not only strong enough, I will be happier! When I finally made the decision to divorce him, it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I realized that I don't have to live like this any more!!!<p>You can't do it until you're ready. Maybe some individual counselling would help you to figure out what you really want.<p>Good luck and be strong!!!

Hi everyone!<p>Thank you so much for the responses...I knew I would get a variety of answers and unfortunately I knew there would be some not so great endings. <p>mariachimom, thank you so much for the prayers sweetie you know I keep you and H in mine.<p>UnSure, I know how you feel mine seems so perfect to me too and I am doing my best to reciprocate because I don't want him to think he is the only one trying to repair our M.<p>Callie & Babstr, I'm sorry things between you and your H's didn't last and for you Callie I wish you nothing but happiness now and on your new life...you sound like a very strong/brave woman.<p>Tinlizzy, So did it seem to help things between you and your H after you talked to him the other night? And are you two in counseling?<p>Flowerseed, I was so HAPPY [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] to hear your story as I'm sure most people here are...it gives us hope knowing things can change and all for the right reasons not just to satisfy us at that time till they feel comfortable again. You touched on something that I do feel is the single most important thing and that is communication. We have never really been good at this but we seem to be doing much better. I just hope and pray there will be many other stories like yours...do you have any contact with ow/oc??<p>Thank you again to all that have replied
Jules

Jules,
No contact with either ow or her child. We went through some major changes right after he had informed me he cheated. He quit his job where ow worked a couple weeks after he told me. He failed to tell me it was the girl he worked with he said it was a girl he meant on a job. Its a good thing that he had quit if I would have found out it was someone he was still working with I think he would have ended up dead. I was full of rage for a very long time so it didn't take me much to go into a nut.

I had a pretty hard time when I received my second d-day. This was in Nov. 1999 ow had called my house and asked for my h. I knew her voice from when she had worked with him she hung up on me. I star 69 her and asked her if she was the one he had screwed she spilled her guts when I asked her what she wanted 6 months had went by he didn't work with her anymore so there was no reason for her to be calling. I was shaking so bad I knew before I even asked that she was the one. She said
she wanted to know if he wanted anything to do with his son 2 weeks old. I totally lost it this was worse betrayal then him cheating that he had not been honest . I had questioned him a number of times if it was her and if there was any chance of a preg. He had always denied it and said it was the story he had told me. It never made sense but he kept sticking to it.<p> I don't think I would have gave him the time to prove himself if I would have known so maybe it was for the best. I guess he was hoping that it was someone else's kid and I would never know. I quit my job that week I totally feel apart. I made him call her back that night to tell her what his intentions where. He told her he wanted a dna test and that I would be handling it he wanted
nothing to do with her son.<p> He told me he had gave her the money for an abortion and when she refused had told her he would give her money but never would he be her kids father. He also finally came clean with everything that had happened she was trying to convince him right after she found out she was preg that because she had herpes that the baby had 90% chance of being born with it and it was me that had it from screwing around on him. Come to find out she knew she had this in July 6 months before he had ever touched her. I wanted to kill her. Thank god my h didn't contact it.

We have seen her and her child one time and that was when the blood test where done.
I really seen what this child means to him a few weeks back when he had to call the friend of the court. His words where I'm calling about a kid I have to pay child support on. He strongly says when anybody ask how many kids he has its one our daughter, he refuses to acknowledge that this child even exist. Nobody knows about any of this.<p> I handle everything to do with this mess she seems to have got it through her head that I'm the only prize she gets to cling to so she leaves us alone. So I feel if he feels this way about oc he is just someone elses kid, then I sure am not going to lose anymore sleep over it. with love flowerseed<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: flowerseed ]</p>

Thanks Callie, I am working on coming to a decision either way. I want to be able to give 100% if I choose to stay.<p>Jules, yes, it did help. He's cleaing the laundry room right now [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] and he kissed me before he left for work the other day. He's trying, but why do I have to remind him??!! I told him that he should be kissing my a$$ daily [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ! (just kidding...sort of!) <p>Anyways, there's hope for now..........<p>t.l.

Altho I dislike the topic due to the impact my H affair and OW OC have had on my life, I am thankful always to read what you all have/are experiencing. Until I met this site I knew of no one else who was not only dealing w/infidelity but with a child. My H told me at the very beginning, when he was first fearful that OW was pregnant. Our plan of how to deal w/this was that I would be totally a part of all that happened. It didn't go that way. OW had many times of needing to go to hosp because she was in danger of miscarriage. My H and I cannot have a child, so he wanted this child. He did everything for OW during the pregnancy. We were separated for many, many months. I did ok after much hard work. Then, a few months before the birth my H decided he wanted to come home and that what he was doing wasn't right, etc. I allowed him to convince me that he was sincere. He came home. He was great. Went to church with me, prayed with me, did stuff at home that he had never done before. When the baby was born he wanted me there. I went to the hosp and some of OW friends told me that my H said for me to wait downstairs. Whatever! I finally got thru this garbage. The baby was premature and fragile. I gave my H a lot of grace and amazing love, which was totally from God because me in the natural just wanted to be anywhere else. Then all during the summer my husband treated me very well. Together we bought things for the baby, etc. etc. etc. Then he disappeared for three days. He went on a trip out of state w/OW. He had continued the affair all the time. I told him I wanted out. We separated. That was last Sept. I have a legal separation. Slowly I am seeing a different kind of change. I still don't trust. I don't know what he is doing when he isn't with me. I do know he is pursueing legal means to determine paternity and his rights because he took me with him to the DA ofc and he gave the case mgr the ok to talk to me about anything, and that has happened. I know he has again set limits with OW and her family and friends. He is remorseful over his actions towards me and his destructive behaviors. He is addicted to substances and sex/affairs. He has finally told me he is addicted and is seeking help. Now that the chaos has stopped I am feeling my emotions over the things that happened. I think I was in shock some of the time -- I have flashbacks, and other PTSD sx. Yes, I have help to recover. But, the thing I know is that I can't control my pain, I have to feel it and go on. I don't have to pretend to trust my husband. I continue to trust in God who has always taken care of me, provided me work/income, a home, family, fellowship, prayer partners, and everything I need. It is hard to not look to my H for the things he isn't giving me but I finally had to accept that for whatever reasons he is where he is. For now I am continuing to see what the day brings. I know that I will not go through all of this again. If my H is truly making the effort, just as I am truly making the effort, then we both will make mistakes. I have decided I can stay with him as long as the mistakes are not another betrayal. That is where I draw the line. So, I guess I believe that each of us has to determine where our line is, even if we have one. I think it is our own decision about who we love and what form of action that love takes. Even if I never go back to living with my H and perhaps even change the legal separation to a divorce my heart will still hold love for him as a person. It has been a hard lesson to learn that within a marriage each partner experiences the consequences of choices made by the other. What we do with our experience is then up to us. I think my H and I are learning to be kind and thoughtful to each other - like we were in the beginning. But in the beginning it was fostered by being "in love". Now it is fostered by being married and wanting the best for both of us. So, I hope it is encouraging to someone else to know that there are those of us who have and are living with really difficult situations, and we can choose to do so with grace and love.