I am engaged to be married. I found out my finace had a brief 4 month relationship that produced an OC. We have been together for 6 years all together. I'm 22 and he is 26 and no kids. He is begging me to stay in the relationship and marry him. I just don't have it in me. I am slowly breaking myself from him but it has been very hard. I'm only 22 and I know I can do better. He is the only "man" I have ever loved. It's very hard for me to see the OC. When he gets her for the weekend I just leave. I graduated from college last year and I have been offered this great job overseas. I think I will take it. Maybe I will meet some European man and he will sweep me off my feet. How do you deal with the OW and the OC? I just can't imagine doing it. I feel so broken. Thanks for listening.<p>McKenzie

Hi McKenzie,<p>If I were you, I would run and never look back. But I understand why you stayed even this long... when you love someone, it's hard to be away from them even for a day, and sometimes even when the cost is so high. We all know that here. My h and I have been together a total of 7 years too, 4 of those being married...no children and the illegitimate, unwanted child should be born in April. Just as it is a challenge for many of those who have contact with oc, it must be just as challenging for you when you are around the ow/oc. <p>When my little brother was 19 he was dating a really cute, nice 18 year old girl, but unfortunately on the side he was seeing a 25 year old divorced, opportunistic, and outspoken woman. He loved his girlfriend, i could tell, but on occassion he would see this older woman...simply for sex (i know, gross...that's men for ya). Well, from what my brother tells me, he told this woman that he didn't want to see her anymore, so she became irate...she would call him for BC's (bootie calls) and she always told him she was on the pill... He thinks when he tried to end it, she went off the pill and the last couple BC's she purposely got pregnant. <p>His 18 year old girlfriend was devastated, obviously but lo and behold they are still together and this was 4 years ago. They are engaged and I don't know how she does it personally. Now that I am dealing with a similar fate as you and she, we talk about it, and it's nice to have someone to talk to, especially now that it is possible she is going to be my SIL (sister-in-law). <p>She said the same things you said, that it is very hard to see his son and do things with him and my brother. She has made the decision to stay with my brother, but i can't help but wonder WHY!! To me, it is kind of like getting a free look at what the uncertain future holds for you before marriage and knowing the difficulties you are going to have to endure - and have power over in order to sustain a wonderful, love-filled, trustworthy marriage. The one wonderful thing about marriage is simply becoming 'one'. Which means everybody, everything in the world is second to your spouse, even your children. It is wonderful how God blesses and strenthens this wonderful union.<p>I gather that the reason you are writing is because it is a possibility that you may marry this man, or maybe you just haven't been able to bring yourself to leaving him for good yet. Whatever it is, I think you have come to the right place for support. <p>It WILL take a lot of work and a lot of selflessness, humility and especially God's strength to make something like this work, so it isn't impossible, but you are the only one who can decide that. I would really pray about this, and really ask yourself this question... "Lord, is he the man that you have for me?" Keep praying about it and in time, God will give you the answer.<p>Good luck, God bless,
Julia

Wow...you got an exceptional reply from Julia and I agree with her take on all of it. My first reaction is that if I were a sweet young thing of 22 with a degree, no less, I would cut my losses and move on; especially with my whole life in front of me with huge possiblities and opportunities. I don't think I would saddle myself with a guy with baggage he acquired while being with me. Thank God you were not married to him and stuck with kids of your own...that's when all your options narrow.<p>Good luck, pray hard for guidance and don't be afraid of being by yourself. You won't be alone for long. Some of the most wonderful times in my life was when I was alone without commitment, open to options and not bogged down answering to someone else.<p>There is someone out there for you. It might be your boyfriend and it might be someone you haven't even met yet...<p>Catnip =^^=

Hi McKenzie, <p>You are in a tough spot, but one that you can get out of!<p>You are soooo young and so many opportunities ahead of you! I know that it is easy to hang on to what is familiar. Maybe you could head off to Europe and take a break? <p>Without sounding too bossy [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , learn from our lives and what we've been thru. Don't learn the hard way. Run for your life!<p>tinlizzy

Please listen to everyone's advice and leave it's not worth it. If I wasn't married to H I know I would have left him. Heck I filed for a divorce the day after D-day. Good luck go overseas and enjoy yourself.<p>Unsure

OH DITTO IN SPADES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>Take that job overseas and enjoy life without baggage. If Mr. Idiot is really Mr. Right, then you will find your way back to each other again. We all make mistakes, but some are more deadly than others, and all must live with the unfortunate consequences. <p>Good luck!

McKenzie, <p>Hey hon, I can't help but think about you. You have been on my mind all night.<p>Please, please, please listen to these ladies. If you want to see a preview of your future with this man, just read all of the posts here. Put yourself in our shoes and see if it feels comfortable there. If it's something that you could handle, that you *want* to handle. <p>There is someone out there who is perfect for you. There is someone out there who won't lie to you and cheat on you. You deserve to find that someone. Until you do, go out and have fun, be young and carefree and enjoy life!<p>love and light,
tinlizzy

Thanks you guys. I have decided to take the job and end my relationship with him for good. V-Day helped me make the final decision and reading almost all the 60 plus pages of pain and heart break on this website.<p>On V-day I did not even want to be with him. It was almost a chore. I have been mulling over this for so long. It's not an impulsive decision so don't worry about that. A part of me will always love him but I just don't love him anymore like I used too. We talked for 5 LONG hours last night. He cried and begged me to change my mind. I held firm. I honestly don't think he realizes that it's really over and I'm not coming back. I am waiting to fall to peices over this break up but it has not happened. Maybe I have all ready done all the mourning of the relationship or maybe I am just tired of all the drama and can finally move forward.<p>I told my boss Friday I was accepting the job but I still have to submit a letter of acceptance. I'm really excited. My lease is up in May and that is when the job starts. Everything is falling into place. I know this is meant to happen for me and I know I will be okay.<p>McKenzie

That's fabulous, McKenzie!!!!<p>You have made the right choice. It does seem like you've put alot of thought into this and that's great. I know, I met my husband when I was young too and it's hard to let go of that familiarity. You're right, you're gonna be ok!<p>love and light,
tinlizzy

McKenzie<p>Even though it is almost impossible to learn from others' mistakes, sometimes someone young can make the right judgment call using common sense and well thought out logic. It sounds as though this is what you have done. And, I am so relieved. One less victim. One less tormented relationship.<p>You have so many exciting possibilities awaiting you and you have just begun. Your decision was a good one and has created the 'good karma' that is the logical consequences for your choices.<p>A friend of mine is devising a game for children, teens and young adults. It is a board game where there are life choices. If you choose one route, it shows the logical steps/consequences of where that choice will take you. It is a very telling board game...one I wish I would have had access to years ago. My life would be very different for me today.<p>Good luck, God bless and keep moving in the right direction.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Tell me when that game comes out. I would certainly buy it. I have been packing up all of his things that he keeps in my apartment. We did live together but I moved out when I found out about his affair & OC and got a place of my own. He has been calling me and leaving me these long e-mails. I am not going to respond to them. I have not even read half of them. I just moved them to another folder. I think no contact is the only way to go in this situation.<p>I am taking off next Thursday and Fri. from work. I am going to go visit my parents for the weekend. I am going to tell them that we have broken up for good this time and about my transfer. It's going to take all my dad's will power not to break out the champaign when he finds out when we have broken up. XFiance has been on my families #1 hit list since they found out about OC and affair. They could not understand how I could take him back especially if we were not married. Well I am ready now. They will be really sad that I will be living overseas but I know they will be really happy for me and will definitely come visit every chance they get.<p>I am going to have a mutual friend of ours return all his things and ask her to retrieve my things from his house. About a month ago I started putting momentos of our relationship into storage (pictures, cards, letters, etc). I gave him back the engagement ring last night. I had 2 pictures of him still in my apartment and those will go in storage to. I guess this is a start. Sorry for the rambling.<p>McKenzie

I think your decision is wise, McKenzie.
Just make sure that you keep the Good Lord in the forefront of your days ahead. I don't think any of us here pretend to think it is easy and simple to walk away from something that you have given so much nurturing love, care and effort to. I just say this because I know, first hand, how powerful Satan is and will be trying to lure you back to a doomed relationship. He thrives on destruction. So as God's word says, "Be brave and have courage"... I think you know that you can do it on your own for a while...God will bless you someday with a wonderful man to spend all your days with. <p>We are proud of you... Stay strong in the Lord because you will fail and grow weak without him. <p>Good Luck and God Bless,
Julia

McKenzie,
I whole-heartedly agree with your decision to move on with your life. I am SOOOOOOOO impressed with your strength, intelligence and self-confidence at your young age. You will do well in life! God Bless!!

McKenzie22,<p>You are doing the right thing. Enjoy yourself! Good luck. My prayers and thoughts are with you.<p>Unsure