Hi I am so happy to have found this site.I have been married for 15 years and have a 14 year old son. A few weeks ago I found out that my Husband had an affair which produced another son. How I found this out was we moved in with his Mother and In our new bedroom closet she left a package of photos of this womanm and a new born baby well I did not say anything at the time and just placed them on her bed. Needless to say we moved in with her in October and this is February.A few weeks ago my husband was having an argument with his sister and I was also on the phone and she mentioned the woman well I put 2 and 2 togheter and confronted him with the pictures. He denied the whole thing saying he has only me and my son. Well this weekend was my husbands birthday and we had a few drinks together needless to say he confessed to the whole afair. It is a baby boy who is around 2 years old now,he has never seen him and has no desire to .His mothermy mother in law sees him though .I am so devastated as we always wanted another child but we are not able to have one ,I know he is also devastated as he also wanted another child but not with another woman. For now he claims he does not want anything to do with the child ,he says when she told him he told her to get rid of it and left her then...How do I go on in life now that the truth is out? How can I live with his mother who will continue to see this woman?I do not feel like living in this house now ....Any words of encouragement will help...

I am sorry that I don't have any words of wisdom for you. My H and I are on the opisite side of this coin, as I am the one who had the child from an A, and my H is raising her as ours. I just wanted to Welcome you to our sad little club. There will be others along soon, but remember that weekends tend to be a little slow. You are not alone in this, and there are many here with different stories of their own to help you with your situation.<p>Tigger

Dear gdavis617,<p>I am sorry to hear of the horrible position you find yourself in. It is bad enough to discover that your H has an OC, but when he has chosen no contact and you are living with his family who is having contact -- it makes an impossible situation.<p>You did not say in your post why you are living with your mother-in-law. Regardless, I would make every effort to move out as soon as possible.<p>The last thing you want is your mother-in-law making your H feel guilty for his choice of no contact. I was in the same situation. Although my H did not want contact, the OW knew his sister who embraced her into the family by saying -- regardless of the OC's parentage, the OC was still "family". Although the novelty of the OC wore off after a few years and my mother-in-law no longer sees the child, the bitterness remains. <p>I always felt that my mother-in-law showed disrespect for her own son and for me by choosing to keep contact when we did not want to do so. <p>She even used to keep a photograph of the OC on her fireplace and so I stopped going to her house. This bad blood also affected my children who are now not as close to their grandmother as they should be because of this situation. I was always scared to death that she or some of the other relatives would say something to my children about the OC.<p>I would encourage you to have a very frank discussion with your H about your feelings and how uncomfortable it is for you to live there knowing that your m-i-l has contact with the OC. <p>Is it possible to get your own place -- and as quickly as possible?<p>I am praying for you and that you can deal with this very uncomfortable situation you have found yourself in.<p>love,
heavenly

Dear Heavenly, I am so happy to hear from you .The finacial situation is one we can not move out at the moment but we will be able to in a few months.You are right as my H told me his Mom says to him you should go and see the baby as he loooks just like you .I am Happy to say that my H truly wants no contact.He knows at some time we will have to financially support this child as the woman is on welfare. My mother in law is a cold hearted woman and I believe she is very happy this happened and I also know that in her spiteful way she left the pictures in the closet on purpose hoping my H would find them.He really wants to rebuild our marriage and stay together In the past week he has tried to change drastically towards me .. I also want it to work as he is the love of my life and I really had no idea this was going on .He did try to keep me sheltered from the situation. He even went to see a lawyer ...and he said this was all supposed to be taken care of so I would know nothing .So how can I beleive he meant to hurt me. well enough for now .Thanks,
Love ,
Gina

Hello,
I have some questions for you. You said that Ow is on wealthfare. Is your H paying CS? Has paternity been establish? If OW is on wealthfare the courts will come after your H. If I were you I would file for paternity and get that establish. The state I believe will come after your H for money and he can owe them thousnands of dollars because she is on wealthfare.
Do you know when OW filed for wealthfare if she had to give the fathers name? I thought they were suppose to. What state are you in? I would do some checking about state CS laws. Some states you can get back CS all the way to the birth.<p>There are some people here that had to put up things for collectarle. I do not want you to get to have lots of money. Please do some checking.<p>Dawn

Dawn,
He is not paying as of yet she has not told welfare where he lives she does not know his social security number as a matter of fact she does not even konw his b-day...I know we will have to pay she is now working part time . I quit my job 5 months ago so our income is not much at the time plus we do have a child to support allready....As far as I am concerned I will never work again so she will not get much... I am sorry to sound spiteful she chose to have the child she should have been prepared to take care of it ... She is a loser in plain english... She thought my h would divorce me when he found out she was pregnant instead he told her not to keep the child and left her then...Sorry if I sound angry but I am please remember this is new to me... Now I know why he told me top quit my job months ago ....

hello,
Don't be sorry. I have some of the same feelings it is normal. I believe she would have to give them his name and it will be only a matter of time that they find him. It might me wise to talk to a lawyer there are free consulations because he might be liable for paying the state back.<p>I also have three kids and I am not working so I know what you mean. OC is only 4 months old and nothing has been done yet. OW does not know my H ss# or his b-day either or will he lives. I just here and wait until something is done. OW was living with her parents before she got pregnant and does not make much money either. So I know how you feel.<p>Dawn

I am happy to hear back from you I gather your situation is the same as mine. How are you and your husband getting along now? Are you two able to work things out? Do you or your husband want anything to do with the OC? I see alot of people here who take finacial and emotional responsibility for the Oc I have to give them credit .I am not ready for that yet....

gdavis617,
Right now we are getting along better. H has agreed not to see his female friend that introduce him to OW. He does not go out all the time. I am doing a little better with it. I am very emotional right now because D-day is Feb. 24 and I have PMS. I am on a rollercoaster right now.<p>We do not have contact with OC. He is only 4 months old and my H does not know what he wants to do. At first he wanted contacted because he thought OW could not handle it. She is the type of person that goes out all the time. She also has seizures. And know he does not know what he wants.<p>My H does not know if OC is his because OW told him that she slept around but for the month of Janurary she only slept with him. OC does not look like my H or any of our kids. So I believe their is a possiblity that it is not my H. Only a paternity test will verify that. And OW is not talking to my H and the only to find is through the courts.<p>Dawn

just a quick update my husband and I have been talking alot ... about the situation... I am very sick now as the reality is very new to me.Maybe someday we will see the child after paternity is decided but till then we will not.My husband still says he did not want this child and wanted to try to sheild me from all of this but that did not work..He says he is not sure if it is his maybe someone elses..

Hello,
Thanks for the update. I wanted to tell that since OW is getting wealthfare that maybe OC is someone elses. HOw old is OC? I just say that in order to get wealthfare you have to give the fathers name and since they have not come after your DH that maybe she gave someone elses name, Just a thought.
Well DH has agreed to get a paternity test done. I think that I want to know because my DH never said he did not want to see OC. In fact he said he wanted to and then I said some things and then he decided to do nothing. I need to have everything out in the open. I don't want him regreting me becuase he did not do anything.<p>Dawn

Hi everyone
I'm glad I found y'all. I've been looking for something like this for days. Where to start? My man and I live in different states at the moment. We've been apart for about a year now. My children and I are joining him in June finally!!!!
But so much for a happy ending... seems Mr Wonderful couldn't keep his pants zipped up and now his office fling is 2 months pregnant.First reaction...dump the bozo...reality...I love this man and want the life we've planned. He wants this to, but he is obligated to this child. He CHOSE to lay down with this woman and it is HIS responsibility to. I don't see you holding your man accountable... remember it was a choice he made..it takes two people to produce a child. Now in my opinion the child is a total innocent...they didn't ask to be born...the do however deserve to know their parents..fathers included. This isn't about money ladies...it's about an innocent little person. I've chosen to stand by my man...and his child...gosh aren't I the noble one? NO...this hurts me beyond belief...I'm pissed ... I'm sad...but I'm strong. I hope I havent stepped on any toes... I just want to work thru all of my feelings and find that happy place I used to be in.
Peace!

gdavis617
I was just wondering how you are doing? You said that maybe if OC is your H that you might see OC someday. I was just wondering how feel about that? <p>Dawn

gdavis617
I just wanted to warn you that there are people here who stir up trouble and are here for the wrong reasons. We call them crashers. I would advice you not to post them.<p>Dawn

I guess since I'm the new person here ...I must be the crasher...whatever...
I'm just another hurt woman trying my best to cope with what is a very emotionally devestating incident in my life. It is just my opinion that the OW is not the only one that is responsible. Do I like the OW in my situation? NO...it sickens me that she's a part of my life now, and that for the next 7 months her pregnancy will be flaunted in my face. I am hoping that once the baby is born I can rise to the occasion and be accepting of this little person in my life and be a good step mother, and be gracious enough to handle it's mother with some degree of dignity. It would be so easy for me to fall into feeling sorry for myself...but truth is I want this man inspite of the humiliation he's caused me. So I will get thru this with or with out your help. I thought I found a place to help me heal...maybe I was wrong.

gdavis,
I'm sorry for your pain. A lot of my thoughts are already in my post "thoughts for newbies(again)" and I hope you get a chance to read it--it's not just about me.<p>Docs Girl,
I'm sorry for your pain too. Please look up same post. <p>You are welcome here so long as you respect that for some families, contact with the XOW/OC is not a workable option, for many reasons, which you can read about if you look through the posts. There are also contact-families here too, and we all try to support one another regardless of the contact issue. Some crashers come here just to bash those who have no contact with OC, and that isn't cool. I wish you and your family good wishes in your recovery, and good luck in your noble attempt to make the OC situation a workable one, one in which the OC is treated like a "normal" step-child/custody issue. Again, some families have made this work, some have tried but cannot make it work because the XOW is NOT a reasonable person, and others do not try for a variety of reasons.<p>Think I'm babbling now...
Prayers,
J, in recovery 3+years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I second what Jenny says....<p>welcome to all newbies....although I wish it were a welcome to a more better situation for us all....<p>Praying and hugs,
Twiisty

Welcome to both both gdavis and Docs Girl.<p>GDavis,<p>I second the opinions that you try to get out of MIL's house as soon as possible; the woman sounds like pure poison.<p>Why would your quitting your job affect any child support your H owes to OC? In almost all states (maybe all) the W's income does not affect the amount of child support that a H owes to either his children by a previous marriage or to a child born of an affair he had. I can think of one exception--when a man has a child by a first marriage, remarries and chooses to be a stay-at-home Dad and raise children born of the second marriage. A friend of ours is in this situation.<p>Please be careful. I think you need legal advice here. The bill that can come due after a couple of years of not paying child support can be huge and can swamp a couple under financially. <p>Having your husband take a second job in order to meet his financial obligations or go to school at nights to better his earning potential both sound like workable options to me. You are right; he made this mess it is his responsibility to resolved it.<p>Dear Docs Girl,<p>Welcome. I am sorry that you feel like you have had a rough start here. Some people come in here with both barrels blazing and that seems to have been true in your case. We are often crashed by OW or exOW who write things similar to what you have said. We try here to be supportive of each other's decisions regarding contact.<p>I am a wife who supports contact. I told my husband on D-day (the day I learned of his affair and child) that I thought he owed this child more than a support check. But I have tried to make it very clear on this board that that is my opinion in my personal circumstances.<p>Visitation has been very hard. In our case, we are all working very hard to make this work--H, me and exOW. Many here are not so lucky. If you have read some of the stories here you would understand what visitation under such difficult circumstances can do to a family. Some here have even been dragged into court under false allegations of child abuse. <p>Now for my difficult question. Why are you still going to marry this man? I know that if I had not already been married I would have hit the road. To sign up for a life time of this was something I wouldn't have even considered. (Again, just my opinion.) I am not afraid to be on my own. We were 18 years into what had been, at least to my way of thinking, a pretty good, but not perfect marriage. I had no idea that we had this type of trouble brewing and no idea that he was the type of person who could have been unfaithful. I don't know...we were in the middle of adopting three children from Eastern Europe at the moment I found out of his A. I sometimes even think that if we were not in the middle of an adoption and three young lives were not hanging in the balance, I would have chosen to move on with my life. I earn a great living. I have friends and a full life. I would have gotten over my feelings of loven and betrayl. It is true, I might have spent the rest of my life as a single woman, but I would have done fine.<p>To me, life is a set of problems. You choose which set you are best able to handle. You either have the problems that come with marriage or you have the problems that come with a single life. In your situation, I think I would choose not to take on the huge set of problems that your SO has handed you. Again, just my opinion. It is the usual advice that we pass out (and Dr. Harley dispenses) to those who aren't yet married and whose SO has had an affair and even worse--an OC.<p>All the best and welcome to the board,
MJ

I apologize for my entrance to the group... I am just so damned MAD. Asked why would I still marry this man? Lord knows I've asked myself this over and over. He made a mistake, I've chosen to forgive him...it's the forgetting thats hard. He's willing to take my children into his home and love them as his own...I feel the need to do the same with his child. Our OW so far has been very gracious,it is my hope that this continues. I'm curious as to what financial repsonsibilities any of you may have taken care of during the pregnancy.

Please remember this is all new to me...I went to the Doctor today and had to have a repap exam so not only am I dealing with the stress of OW and Oc I have to wait another 2 weeks to find out my results of my Pap Smear...My husband and I have been trying to have another child also for the last two weeks it may be soon but we want our own not Ow.s I pray for myself that everything is ok I am scared ...For now I will not care about Child support , OW or Oc and neither will my Husband he even came with me to the Doctor something he has not done in 12 years... He says we need not worry about her or the Oc as we have each other and that is what matters , she may have Oc but she really wanted him she felt that he would leave me if she got pregnant but it only made him come back to me quicker....