My husband is having an affair. he told me the other woman is pregnant with his child. He wants to come back home, but how will I ever be able to deal with this. Most likely he'll have to keep in touch with this woman because of the baby?<p>What do I do?

Hello,
You have come to the right place. Have you checked out the principles here that is what I would do first.
Do you want to take him back? Do you want the marraige to work? As your H said that he wanted to be part of the OC live or not?<p>Dawn

How this will turn out will likely be a reflection of the character of the two parents of this child. If they act in the best interest of the child, both of them will be financially and emotionally involved in the upbringing of this child. That is the least that the child deserves irrespective of what the two parents deserve. How you handle his involvement is up to you. It either is incompatible with your idea of a truly devoted husband or you welcome these new family members into your life as an unconventional family. It won't be easy but you are never given more than you can handle and should look at every obstacle as an opportunity to improve yourself.

In my opinion, the OC may be a blessing to God, or maybe to OW, but it rarely is a blessing to the BS and her family. In my case, the OC represents the worst my H could do to me and our family. Even my H admits he did not celebrate the birth of the oC or the circumstances of his existence, so far removed from the joy he experienced with the birth of our children. My children do not welcome this addition to their family, and want nothing to do with this unconventional life. It is painful for them as well as me. Because the OW chose to keep child, the BS does not have to accept child or incorporate it into her family. Just my opinion. After all, did the OW ask BS what she would think if child was born?Did she ask permission to change her life, adapt her life to fit OW's needs? It was o.k. to have a secret life with WS until the child was born.Then, and only then, the OW wants everyone to accept and welcome the OC. I think not. No, so one must not feel one has to do anything for OC or OW. I feel I protect and owe my children a normal life, not an unconventional one. You would think the OW would want the same for her child as well.<p>[ March 23, 2002: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</p>

First things first, sorry you are in such an icky place.<p>If I believed every story I heard about the many OW's being pregnant my x would be supporting about 15 kids right now. So don't jump to conclusions without some proof. <p>Many times this turns out to be the OW crying wolf. Has he seen her physically take a pregnancy test? Watched her pee on the stick an all? Has he accompanied her to the doctors office and had her get a blood HCG?<p>If all that has been done, and we know for sure she is pregnant, then there are two choices that I know of. You can wait for the child to be born and request a paternity test, sometimes it doesn't even have to go that far if your H's blood type is documented in his records and it doesn't match. Or if for some reason the woman has to have an amnio during the pregnancy it isn't a big deal as I understand to run a dna from that.<p>And, If he is still sleeping with her I might suggest to H that this may be a ploy and that she is actively trying to get pregnant, and further sexual contact with her is probably not a really good idea.<p>This has got to be a terrible time for you, but if you can just take it one step at a time you will be able to handle it much better.

Yes, I too am very sorry you are in this situation. I got pregnant by a MM and decided to keep the baby.<p>When my OC teenager decided to disrespect his stepfather with the familiar stepchild attitude of "you're not my father so you can't tell me what to do," it was the first time I had to get him to face some harsh realities about his biological father... I didn't pull any punches either... <p>I sat him down and I asked him who does he think REALLY loves and wants him? I told him to ask himself why he has never been invited to visit his biological father's home? OR met his biological father's other children?<p>When he didn't come up with any answers for my questions, I filled in the blanks for him.<p>I told him that he represents his biological father's worse nightmare and THAT's why he has never been welcomed into his biological father's home. I reminded him that his biological father already has a family. I told him that WE are the ones who want him and love him and that is why WE deserve his devotion and respect--you know, that his loyalty was misplaced (understandable, but misplaced)! I told him that the one who is there for him in his daily life is his "real" father.<p>It's a tough situation for BS's and OC's. Neither one asked for all the pain they will have to face and deal with for the rest of their lives... It's not what happens to us, it's how we take it. OC has accepted the truth about our life and has grown much closer to his stepfather.<p>Good luck with your situation. I'm sure some others will advise you not to pay any child support until you are certain that your husband fathered this OC.<p>Dr.Harley would recommend that your H does NOT have any further contact with the OW, and if the child is his, that you be the go-between for any visitation, if that is what you both agree to.

! double !<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

btdt--how in your right mind could you ever tell your child such a terrrible thing, i dont care how old your child is, to tell your child that hes his bio fathers worse nightmare--how hateful to say such painful things. never would i ever relate this to my child. this does not teach respect. its plain hurtful. this is not showing love to your child by stating no one else wants or loves him....i am sorry, it just hurt me to hear this. dont use his bio father to win his love, he will love you and respect you by the way you treat him day in and day out. i know, i have gone through alot of hell years when my daughter was a teenager, she is now a beautiful person, who loves us (always did, but didnt show it in her rebellious years)

Full House,<p>Respectfully, I think that BTDT had a point to make, and considering she knows her child best I would imagine she considered any implications before the conversation.<p>BTDT is one of THE famous advice givers on these boards. She has a good head on her shoulders, and truly knows the score.<p>She was an OW and has an OC, I am a divorced BS who went thru the pregnancy wolf crying of an OW. Even though that would seem to put us on opposite ends of the spectrum I truly respect her and would consider any advice she gave me regarding my kids. Their names are Handful and Handful Andahalf.<p>I think that straight talk, honesty, sometimes even brutal honesty is needed sometimes with teens. The times I learned the most as a teen, probably the only time I listened as a teen, were when Dad would sit my happy @ss down and lay down the law. <p>I respect him for that, he is one of my bestest friends we talk long distance and email daily, and when it comes time for my kids to get a "listen here kid" I hope I can do it as good as he and BTDT have done.<p>Elizabeth

i think i have alot of experience with children also, already raised 3 teenagers, on my 4th, and still have 4 to go. i am also the ow and have a oc. and i am speaking from the heart, i cant imagine talking to my child that way, there are ways to explain things to kids without such hate. the m i had the a with has had no contact and has not even tried to see or contact oc or me. doesnt matter how i feel toward him, i would never relay that toward my child. i am very honest with my children and i was raised that way by my parents, so i do believe in honesty. my oldest son (is my stepson), we went through very tough times with his mother, and yes i did feel alot of hate towards her at the time, cause she was doing every thing she could to make all our lives miserable, but i never spoke unkindly about her in front of my son or any of my other children. i was honest with him with any thing he wanted to know, but he found out for himself the kind of person she is and he came to his own conclusions of her manipulations, and unkindness to us. he still loves his mother and he should. to this day i would not say any thing unkind about her. so dont you think being honest about the situation that he put himself in and doesnt want to face reality that he has a child outside of his marriage is good enough to tell your son, not everyone is mature in life and does the right thing. we all know that in some way or another. but talk to your children in a mature way. even though you may not see it, saying things in that deliverance of bluntness, may hurt deep down inside, i dont see how it could not, and you dont want to be the one to hurt your child, take care in there feelings, explain with love, this has to be a hard situation anyway no matter how we confront it.
i am soon going to be seeing how the bio father of my c reacts, i have no idea how he feels, but i will be going for cs soon, it is very scary to me, because i tend to want to protect my children overly from any harshness this world can bring, but we know that is impossible, so i will ease into it the best i can and prepare them for what may come. i need to go back to work, but am unable because of the high cost of childcare would take too much of my income to be worth while, so this is the only solution i can come up with until at least my child is of school age. i dont mean to step on any toes, just saying how i feel, so i apoligize if i seem pushy with my feelings.

Fh, I see that you will be going for CS. I know you must be faced with many uncertainties right now but take it one step at a time. Try not to worry about things that "may" happen but haven't happened yet. If the OM hasn't shown any interest in Grace maybe he will continue to feel that way. If he wants visitation just to spite you for the CS then that probably won't last long either. In any case, remember that you are not alone and that you have pops by your side and on your side.

Not trying to sidetrack charlie christine's thread, but just wanted to note that this is something I said after 14 long (LONG) years of never once--not even once--badmouthing OC's dad--ever. I held myself back for all those years.<p>This statement was made only after (AFTER) OC rebelled so fiercely against his stepfather and me to the point of us having a terrible, awful fistfight and him throwing the attitude in our faces of sheer and utter disrespect.<p>What I told him was the truth and he needed to face it and quit seeing his bio married father who was uninvolved in his life as some saint who loved and wanted him and deserved his loyalty more than we did, when it was simply NOT TRUE. Period. I stand by what I said in the circumstances in which I said it.<p>OC needed a huge reality check. I did not deserve to be disrespected by him after all the sacrifices I made on his behalf. I'm not sorry.<p>I AM sorry for the pain *I* created in OC's life by getting involved with a MM and I am sorry for the pain OC has had to deal with regarding identity issues, however, today, OC is very secure in his relationship with Christ and very secure in a loving, respectful relationship with his stepfather and myself. I did not need to say these things in order to "manipulate" his love for me. I needed to shake this kid and wake him up out of a severly rebellious state of mind. AND I would do it again.<p>He was almost 15 years old and ready to handle some harsh realities of his life. I knew my own kid enough to know what he could handle at that time.

AND, if I may add, I did not tell him the truth out of hatred, I told him the truth out of incredible love.<p>For those who can't handle the truths of our personal life, I'm sorry. My son handled it and he is handling it so whatever works for you and your kids, I say fine, go for it.<p>Until you have walked in my shoes--as the single parent of a stong-willed OC for 10 years with no contact nor involvement from MM, I won't ever expect you to understand my reasons and my parenting methods or what worked for me.<p>And full house, you better believe I was in my right mind. From the day I discovered I was PREGNANT BY A MARRIED MAN, I quickly snapped back into my "right mind." Thankyouverymuch!<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by full house:
[QB]there are ways to explain things to kids without such hate. QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Dear FH<p>While I agree with you that there are certainly more loving and diplomatic ways to chastise our offspring when they display rude, offensive and disrespectful behavior, I also understand that in a heated argument with a rebellious teen that absolutely won't listen, sometimes we say things without having the opportunity to defuse the situation because of the high emotions of the moment. It comes out blunt and honest and raw. And sometimes it hurts.<p>I have a problem with the symantics of your quote because so many OW's use the word "hate" to describe a Betrayed's feeling or statement in regards to their OC which is used to manipulate or shame the us into feeling guilty about their OC. We see this a lot on this site from OW's who come here with their own agenda. Not you, FH. I am not talking about you. I am talking about the crashers we get here that try to bring disharmony, ill will and to start trouble.<p>Hate is not speech. Hate is a feeling. And unfortunately, whenever people don't like what someone is saying, they will often try to shame the speaker into thinking what they said was somehow wrong by labeling it "hate" in an attempt to control the speaker. I see this a lot in politics as well. It has been used very effectively because to tell someone that what they have said is "hate speech" or hateful, does make the speaker momentarily feel that they are wrong in what they said. Until, that is, they realize that word is used to manipulate and shame the speaker to change their point of view.<p>Fortunately, I refuse to get sucked into worrying about my 'delivery' as most well know. I won't be oppressed by the thought and speech police measuring each word for fear of "offending" someone. If I do that, I won't be free to say or think what I want and will be spending most of my time worrying about symantics rather than the point I am trying to make. <p>Perhaps BTDT should have used more sensitivity in here delivery of this painful information to her son, but we weren't there. None of us saw the emotional meltdown of the moment where her son was being blatantly disrespectful to his stepfather and to her. We have no idea of what exchange took place in their home to cause BTDT to blurt out truths that shocked her son into the realization that it was his stepfather that had provided his care, his love, his support, his guidance and his protection all his life and that the illusion that his bio dad was somehow this wonderful man who loved him was ruining the chance for the stepdad and son to bond. The kid had to see the hard truths. And perhaps the only way to impart this was during a heated exchange.<p>Catnip =^^=

As someone that was raised by my stepdad from the age of three, I always tended to romanticize about my biological father, whom I did not meet until I was 37. I was a rebelious teenager and I can remember the day the scenario BTDT decribed occured in our household. I to recieved a reality check from my mom.Learning the truth that this man never wanted me, never attempted to see me, and never even asked about me. I think that teenagers respect the TRUTH. It was a reminder then and there of the sacrifices my mother made for me and how much of a man my stepfather was. I am proud to call him my Dad.<p>K...I'm blabbing on now
I would never attempt to criticize another parent for handling THEIR child in THEIR situation in the way that is best for THEM.
aarrgghhh shut me up...lol<p>peace! it's humpday!!!!!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

And furthermore, full house I truly pray that you NEVER have to answer your question about "how could I" have handled MY OC differently. I pray that you never know what it feels like to have to help YOUR OC get over life's unfair rejections due to the circumstances of your affair. I truly pray that pops comes to the place where he loves and accepts your OC from his heart, as his own--like my husband does. I pray that you never have to find out what being the single mom of your OC is like with no emotional support from any man. AND, I also hope you never EVER get beat up by your OC--after all you have risked on her behalf! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Like you, I could have decided to get married and give my kids a loving home with two parents from the start. I should have told the MM to take a hike from Day One. I could have been a lot more prayerful in my every major single-parenting decision. I coulda shoulda done A LOT of things differently. I'm still learning how to be a better mom!<p>Maybe you are a better mom than I was because all your kids were/are being raised in a loving, two-parent family. I must say now that I have been a married mom for about the same length of time that I was a single mom, I have definitely learned how to handle all of my kids more prayerfully. Without question. It's amazing how parenting styles can differ with a loving, supportive spouse by your side to help carry the load of child-rearing. It's awesome!<p>When MM found out I was pregnant, he dumped me like a hot potato. I might be wrong, but your OM probably did not. I could be wrong again, but maybe you would still be with him if you didn't turn up pregnant? Who knows? EAs are different from PAs and I'm just guessing that since you are a loving wife & mom, your affair was probably more emotionally charged than mine was(?) <p>All I'm saying is that I knew where I stood with the MM, meaning I knew he had no intention of leaving his wife for me--strictly a PA OW--regardless. I also knew he was a jerk to be disrespecting his wife like that--and so was I... But even from the beginning of the affair, I faced the truth of where I stood. <p>I know my kid appreciates my truthfulness because I never insulted his intelligence. You have no idea what questions your OC will approach you with in the future. You have no idea. So come back and talk to me 20 years from now and tell me what for and maybe we can compare notes then. It's like justthewife and catnip noted, I was at a boiling point and I was desperate to get my OC to realize WHO was TRULY on his side! I hope you never need to resort to MY sort of desperate attempt to reach my OC and yank his chain back into reality. As always, I wish only for all God's best to you and your family.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

BTDT, I am catching up on this post. I agree with what you told your son. The fact is, with a MM who had an OC, it is the worst nightmare for him and his family for sure. It has been for me and my family, and frankly for my H, no matter what he is doing or not for the OC.
Right now my H is not much more than a sperm donor, but feels he should be more. If he is more, he will lose me and our family. For an OC he neither wanted, desired, or intended to create.For a child who brings with it much pain to the WS's family, although I recognize it is not the child's fault.Nonetheless, the child's existence is painful to that family.
Your son has a father-your husband.And he is lucky to have such a great man.Anyone can be a sperm donor-heck, people are paid for sperm samples, but few are real fathers. Your husband is one of the fathers. and good for him. I am glad your son now recognizes that.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by unhappy wife:
<strong>BTDT, I am catching up on this post. I agree with what you told your son. The fact is, with a MM who had an OC, it is the worst nightmare for him and his family for sure...</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I know... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by unhappy wife:
<strong>
...It has been for me and my family, and frankly for my H, no matter what he is doing or not for the OC... </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I'm shaking my head in agreement. I'm sorry for what your family is going through AND for what I put the MM's wife through... They were able to save their marriage while we went on with our lives. It was sad for OC, but I didn't blame them one bit for not having contact. I prayed for their success in every area, esp. finances so that supporting OC would NOT be a burden. I prayed that they wouldn't even FEEL the pinch of CS and year after year, MM got promoted and promoted all the way to the very top of his company--I kid you not. God took care of their finances. I had opportunities to raise that CS, the DA thought I was C-R-A-Z-Y!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I wasn't crazy. I was getting past the past.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by unhappy wife:
<strong>...Your son has a father-your husband.And he is lucky to have such a great man.Anyone can be a sperm donor-heck, people are paid for sperm samples, but few are real fathers. Your husband is one of the fathers. and good for him. I am glad your son now recognizes that.</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Me too... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Meeee toooo!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]