I have been an unfaithful husband. Married for just over 3 years I have had an affair with my best friend which lasted for 2 months. It ended at Christmas when we were basically caught. I confessed to my wife and she has and continues to forgive me. I want to make sure my marriage works and I am looking for hope, advice and encouragment. I am beginning to despair.

I see various counsellors but it doesn't feel like enough. I need some practical help and I don't know where to look.

New to message boards and email so please be gentle with me as I feel very overwhelmed by the size of this site.

Nath,

Welcome to this forum. Please do not despair....many many of us have recovered our marriages after infidelity.

Could you describe what things are affecting you the most deeply?

Hi, Nath...I'm pretty new here myself, but I must say that I have learned alot from the people who post here.

May I suggest Dr. Harley's book "Surviving an affair" for you and your wife to read? It has helped me tremendously. It wasn't just written to the person who was betrayed, but the person who had the affair also. It gives guidelines on how to rebuild trust, love, and learning how to keep from pushing each other away when the hurt/anger keep rearing their ugly heads.

Good luck and I hope the people here can help you.

Nath-

Welcome. Star and Arabesque have given you some great advice.

I will add to Star's question....what specifically isn't working right now?

I would also recommend that you check out another site run by Penny who is a professional marriage coach as was trained with Dr. Harley on Marriage Builders principles. The site is
www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com

She has some great articles on where to start. Plus, I think important for someone in your position, there is a private discussion board (Reclamation) set up for people that have been the wayward spouse and are looking for a little more privacy as they work through withdrawal and try to understand what strategies are necessary to develop a fulfilling and happy marriage.

Good luck and hope you find the help you need.

HoFS

Thanks for the response. I was truly surprised and a little overwhelmed.

Star*fish the main issues that concern me:
1)Four months on and I'm still struggling to get over the other woman. She was my collegue and my best friend and big emotional support for me in some very difficult circs which still continue. I really miss her and I thought that this might be getting better by now but I just feel her absence?
2)Writing a letter of apology to her husband. I haven't seen either of them in this time but I feel that I should not only be sorry but say so. I have procrastinated so long because for 3 years I only know how horrible he has been to her. Hard to make a sincere apology when the truth is I'm actually angry at him. Yet no-one deserves to be cheated on.

I'm not ignorant of the choices I have made nor of my guilt. I do not seek to justify myself yet at the same time there can be a culmination of valid reasons which result in invalid actions. Those reasons are seldom exclusive to an individual and therefore the solution is rarely found in the alteration of a lone individual. I might say that "it is as if all things have conspired against me" but I know how that sounds.

HofFenceSitter you asked what isn't working right now? Well, I think it's me. I'm just not feeeling how I want to feel. I've made it very simple and I am bound to one course - I love my wife. Yet doing this is such an up hill struggle and I am tired. Sometimes hope lessens and I don't see signposts to tell me that I'm going in the right direction.

Sorry, that's quite a ramble! Up and down all the time ya'know.

Nath: Sorry that you are struggling but you are seeking advice and that is good. It is early for you to jump back into your old life as if nothing happened. I would also suggest the book, SAA and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley is excellent. He has two books, one for parents and couples. I think you should examine and analyse what happened in your relationship with your wife that helped hasten the affair. Learn from these clues. It will help avoid another affair and heal the one that you two just went through. Your wife is changing with this event and you will as well.
Talk with your wife more than you talk with this site, that is my opinion. You will spend more time with her than these members and she is willingly to put things together with you. Peace