I wasn't quite sure how to breach this subject but here it goes.
I am a newbie to this web site though I have posted a couple entries in the EN section. So far what I have read and wrote has helped me quite a bit however I have a long way to go still. Recently my W told me she has fallen out of love with me after almost 11 years of marriage. It has been a MAJOR shock to the system but fortunately for me I realize, because of all the marriage books & seminars I have been into, where I have gone wrong and I have immediately started to work on changing these bad habits I have taken on over the years. We have had several discussions including one last night that brought up a new challenge.
At the revealing of her feeling towards me, or lack there of, one of the things she told me was that she was no longer attracted to me emotionally or phisically, which is equated to, "hands off". She has accepted my kisses & hugs coming & going but that's about it. Last night she was suddenly seeming frustrated after we had spent a nice evening with her sister and her husband playing cards. So I approached her about it. She said she was, to put it politley, needing some physical intimacy but she had just told me days before, "hands off". But also that she was feeling selfish about it because it was to fill her need & not because her feelings had changed.
Needless to say nothing happened in that direction last night and she went to bed a bit frustrated. We spoke again this morning and are both at a loss about what to do. She feels selfish and I feel awkward. Seems like reverse rolls for when a woman feels like she's being used only for physical pleasure. Bet you havn't heard that one too many times!
I need help! I need to know what to do in this situation for both of us. Do I let her have her way in hopes that she doesn't regret going through with it and me feel awkward not really enjoying the experiance because it should be filled with love & intimacy but isn't? Will these kind of moments help build or break down what there is left of our relationship? Or do we just wait until maybe, hopefully, by God's grace, someday she falls back in live with me??
HELP!!!!

WOW.
my husband wanted me to understand that sex could be just sex and didn't have to be filled with emotinal connection and intimacy.
he NEEDED me to be able to seperate the 2.

i find it very admirable that you don't want that.

in my opinion.....sex can make major love deposits, so i would keep up the communication and give it a shot.
believe it or not.it wasn't 'till i was able to seperate the emotional connection from the sex that my husband started to crave it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
good luck.

<small>[ May 03, 2004, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: nelly ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jahoney:
<strong>my W told me she has fallen out of love with me... I have immediately started to work on changing

Last night... after we had spent a nice evening... She said she was... needing some physical intimacy...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used the quote feature to pull out some of your own words to see if that would shed some light on your dilema.

I think you are doing something right. Suggest you keep doing it (like - for the rest of your life...).

I cannot answer your direct question - 'do it nor not' but I am certain that if you two continue to communicate, you (plural) will find a mutually agreeable solution. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Nelly & ghnl,
Thank you both for your replys! It is encouraging to hear your responses. Just being able to voice my feelings is a great help but to know someone is listening and responding and even understanding what I am going through is invaluable.
One of the things that makes this specific situation so complicated is that our physical intimacy has not been very strong since just before we got married. I don't really understand what happened and I don't know if anyone could even relate to be able to shed some light on the subject.
My W and I dated off and on for about 2 years and eventually started living together about 3 months before we got married. We NEVER had any problems with the intimacy issue. Without going into the whole story, we were invited to and started attending church and began to go through some pre-marriage counseling with the Pastor of the church. He had told us pre-marrital sex was a sin and that living together was a big temptation, being out of wed-lock and all. Of course keeping open minds, we ceased having sex but continued living together. But no matter how much we told him we weren't having sex, and we really weren't, he didn't really believe us and kept pushing the issue of our sinfulness and telling us we needed to get married soon so we wouldn't be living in sin.
Well we finally got married after about 2 months of counseling. On our honeymoon night, we realized something had changed in both of us. We felt so awkward with even the THOUGHT of being naked in front of each other. We both agreed later that we had a hard time letting loose of the whole ordeal about living in sin for so long. We didn't even make love on our honeymoon! How sad is that?!?!? Ever since then, love making has been very infrequent and in alot of cases still awkward.
I would say that I still hold on to the problem more so than my W does and that has been one of the problems that has led up to our current dilemma.
I'm sort of the exception to the rule for most men when it comes to the need for sex. I don't find myself constantly thinking about it and I don't feel like I need to fulfill that desire all the time. I thoroughly enjoy our times together but I feel guilty sometimes because I feel like I should want it more often and because I know my W wants it more often. But she has just given in to the thought that it will always be infrequent. I truly wish I could change this feeling in both her and myself!!
Is there any help for me in this situation??

Man I thought I was alone with what you are going through..my situation that lead to my w feeling that way about me came about from my infidelity though...we are going to first counseling session on the 21st....I think counseling will be a good step for us cause i'm tired of feeling like i'm in limbo....i don't even want to go home a nights after all day feeling like there's no end to this madness i created...she wants to find out if she is even capable of wanting her emotional needs met by me, cause she sure isn't feeling like meeting mine...all i can say at this point is that I had been giving in to her until now, I just find it very hard to be intimate now...I am trying to pull her back from "withdrawl" and its absolutely draining me...I pray alot and I'll say one for you...well til next time...I wish you all God's helping hand..stay strong..everyday is another chance.

babyboy1,
I truly appreciate your reply! Sometimes, just knowing someone else out there can relate makes you feel not quite so alone. Being able to talk things out is a big help too.
I'm sorry to hear about the infidelity part of your situation. I know that must make it much harder to repair, though I have heard alot of success stories. The only reason I even found out about my W's current feelings was because she had become suddenly very distant and was spending little time at home. I started getting the same feelings I had when my first W and I split up because of her infidelity. Something just wasn't right. One day she noticed I was a little out of sorts and asked me what was wrong so I asked/accused her of infidelity. That alone, just the accusation, was enough to build a wall instantly! We have since then worked that one out but the residuals still exhist.
Anyways, listen, I think since my last post I've learned something. The other night, by what I can fully assume was God's doing, my W and I had a very long talk...and we didn't argue!!! Usually when we have our "discussions" it's very one sided, she talks I drift off to another world. I know that'ssssssss BAD! But also our talk was on this "controversal" subject of physical intimacy. That's usually one of the least brought up and most awkward subjects for us as you can tell from my previous posts. But this time it was positive for the most part, no "Clash of the Titans". I think it was in it's own way our own personal counseling from the Lord. We made some great headway on the subject though we still have a long way to go.
I have been spending time in God's Word and in prayer like never before. I know it sounds like your typical "Fox Hole" praying and it kind of is the old "11th Hour" senario but I've been through plenty of those moments and things feel different this time! It took 10+ years and a bad situation to realize it but I realize I love my wife with all my being and I am determined to do whatever it takes to win back her love and never let this happen again!!!!! God has allowed me this opportunity to redeem myself. There is no way I could even imagine how this would work out if it weren't for fervent prayer and God's power. I realize I havn't let God be the center of my life and therefor He hasn't been the center of my marriage or family. It's no wonder it came to this! I believe God can work out my situation and yours but we must be willing participants through prayer and devotion to Him.
Be patient and be open to whatever God calls you to do. Be open in conversation with your W. Sometimes the truth may be tough to chew but dishonesty is a lead weight in your gut.
Thanks for the prayer and I'll do the same for you!
Keep looking up!!!

jahoney,

I can totally understand your moments of mental and spiritual oneness with your w when you both understand where you are in your relationship. I have those times, as a matter of fact, I've seem to come to the many of the same conclusions as you.I have always loved my w and I've never doubted that and I realize the damage our m has suffered because of my enability to curb my behavior that I picked up as a youth.
You see ja, i was introduced to sex at a very young age and even by the age of 9, which was technically my "first time", it was with 3 girls, same day, same room, who were 2,4,6,years older than me...now this is very hard to believe for people i've shared this story with,but very true. Now I don't know if this really set the pace of my life's drama but we will see.
Unfortunantely my next sexual episode was not so "fantastical", and its hard for me to think I'm sharing this for so many to see but I strongly believe in each one teach one and in everyone's life there are lessons we can all learn from....Anyhow, I was molested by someone I trusted dearly, my dad.At that time and age I did not know my father was gay, but it was quite evident looking back in retrospect.
This type of abuse went on for years until one too many slip ups on his part and it was uncovered by my older brother and I confided in him, this without saying tore my family apart. My mother and father of course are no longer together and my dad at present is living with HIV....Honestly, I, even during and after my horrific episodes of abuse I seemed to still have genuinely normal relationships with the opposite sex, I think because in part I learned the "mastery of surpression" but, I think after time I became addicted to sex, and expected it very often from my partners and if I was not adiquitly satisfied I just got it from other relationships...Now honestly, It wasn't until that behavior alomst, and this still yet to determine of course, almost cost me my marriage: is when I really dug deep within myself and realized the way I eventually surpressed my emotions ended up in drug abuse and that made my situation 100x worse cause b4 it was all over I had lost so much love for myself how could i love my w like she deserved. Of course I have given you an overview of my life and the type of things that have contributed to where I am at this point, and i've managed through a series of self help books, meditation, and my deep rooted spirituality, been able to uncover and deal with problems with drugs,proving my man hood, my dishonesty,and overcame my distructive patterns, I found myself with a new lease on life..unfortunately...i had no co-signer and my credit has been shot....i know it will take alot of time to rebuild but the pain grows Almost unbearable sometimes and i wonder if my w will ever want to really see and cherish the man i have become......i just can't, at this point (well i can but don't want to)imagine the withdrawl and pain i would go thru if we don't work this out...GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN..thanks for the outlet and input..til next time.. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

bb1,
Man, that's a pretty brutal childhood! I thought mine was twisted up. When I was a child my mother was a long-haul truck driver and would sometimes be gone for several months. She would leave me with babysitters that I look back today and wonder if she found them in the "Hateful Sitters Club" directory. Some physically abused me, one had a 9th grade daughter that tried to molest me when I was 4, another literally tried to cut off my toungue with a kitchen knife, and so on and so on. But I couldn't imagine going through what you did.
My "first time" wasn't till I was 18 though. I was always to nervous about it. I actually married that girl also, what a mistake that was!! That marriage only lasted about a year. Go figure.
My drive for sex however was or is just the opposite of yours. I never found myself constantly looking for it. Don't get me wrong, and without trying to sound obsene, I've had my fair share of encounters with different women, and I thoroughly enjoyed every one and enjoy every experiance with my W, but it has never been a high priority. Maybe I'm just a prime candidate for Viagra or something. Who knows.
I'm happy to hear you have made these discoveries about yourself and the fact you know God is in control. Like you I have times when I feel like all hope is lost or not knowing how long I can endure her coldness or the tension in the times we are around eachother. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells all the time. I desire to spend more time with her than ever before but it's a "bitter sweet" feeling.
It's good to know that God is the "Great Counselor" and that He has the power to fix ANY marriage if we will do what He leads us to do and wait on Him with His patience. Till next time.

ja,

i feel u on the hpoelessness...mother's day came and unlike last mothers day when she was in CA spending a fun filled week with "boyfriend" that, was right b4 we got seperated, I went all out gifts family dinner, limo ride for the kids...even got a little lovin,with a condom, never the less a feast for the hungry....today when she got home she said she'd call me never heard from her..i called her cell 3x no answer...finally her brother answered the house phone and said he was trying to get my dish fixed and that she was on the cell phone all the while...so he put her on and she acted like she wasn't on the phone all the time and oh, she's talking to a friend..who i asked...a girl...so does this girl that's your friend have a name...what the f@*%....am i now to take the sparing my feelings sh#! i'm glad i wasn't dieing and needed her asst, i'd be dead! To me that is a total disrespect and I'm not really the type to take that very lightly...its bad enuff she spends all day at her job on the phone with other guys my home is falling apart and all she can do is get her "emotional needs " needs met by every guy at work that got game..and i'm sure by this point it's someone in perticular ...if not why the word play...I'm honest and she claims to be to. Look I don't want to make an emotional decision, but I got a option to work out of state for 6 wks. while having my kids either at camp or with my family in the same state i'd be working in and it's looking very tempting from alot angles...she says she wants help...and she says she would like a little space between us too so we can miss each other...I need an emergency counceling session bad..about 8 hrs..on shot..i gotta do something this life I've made is gonna give me an ulser or make me snap....I need answers bro...for real

Hang in there B,
It's always darkest just before dawn, as they say. I just hope dawn is nearer than farther for you!
It sounds like your situation has alot more to it and has been going on for quite some time now. The revelation of mine occured only two weeks ago today. I didn't realize you were actually seperated. I must assume you're living apart if it is an actual seperation in the true sense. And if you are living apart, in reference to your comment about her, "wanting a little space....so you can miss each other...", how much more space does she need??
It is sad that this Mothers Day was a bummer for you. It's hard to really say much about what happened this year for you and why it was different. As I stated earlier, there seems to be much more to the story and I don't want to give you bad answers.
As far as you taking the out-of-state job, that's a tough one. On one hand it may take your mind off of things for a while, on the other...it may take your mind off of things for a while. I think that if you have started the counseling you were originally talking about or are supposed to start soon, 6 weeks out of state could be the breaking point in your progress. It sounds like it wasn't just you who were guilty of infidelity. Referencing your statement, "...in CA spending a fun filled week w/"boyfriend"...". If that is the case, 6 weeks without the kids to keep her accountable, to some degree, is just the "..little space.." you don't want to give her!!
Just a side thought here, since there is nothing to lose by being honest in this forum, Can I confidently assume you have not been unfaithful to your W since the time you mentioned? I only ask because the more info I have the less chance I have of giving you misleading answers.
You know, just another thought here about how you described Mothers Day. Since I falsely accused my W of adultry, she sees and hears things through a different "filter". What I mean by that is that because of the emotional hurt my accusation caused, when I ask her anything about her day or what her plans are or why she's doing this or that, she hears it with the hurt of my accusation in the back of her mind. So she thinks I am prying for info and that I still don't trust her. Make sense? If your W has been unfaithful then her guilt is another type of "filter" that will cause her to view your relationship differently. Along with the hurt you caused by your unfaithfulness there's a DOUBLE WHAMMY. If she is STILL being unfaithful, her guilt is eating her alive because she knows you are trying to repair the damage you have done. This may be the reason for the way she's acting and reacting.
The Bible says in 1 Pet. 3:7, we are to live with our wives in an understanding way as with one who is weaker...and to honor her that our prayers may not be hindered. Tough one, I know, but I would rather my prayer life be an open channel. But also by living with her in such a way, she will feel the love you have for her and will hopefully respond to you in a positive way if her heart has not been hardened to the point of no return by the hurts.
I have started reading a book I would highly recommend to you. Not to take away any of the things from this web site, which has been proven invaluable so far, but to add to what is here. It is called, "The Power of a Praying Husband". Now trust me on this one. I understand that when the W's are acting the way we have been talking about, it is hard to be nice or understanding or patient with them but just refer back to 1 Peter again. And remember, WE are the ones who got ourselves into these messes, right?!?! Anyways, this book has been a big help so far! I have been praying for my W the way the book describes outside of my regular prayers, and I think I have noticed a softening of her heart towards me. Opposite of your Mothers Day experience, mine was better than I thought it would be. Usually mine are filled with tension and in many cases arguments. But this year I figured it would be the worst ever. Thank God I was wrong. I was shocked at how well it went. But I firmly believe it was because I have been praying for my wife as the book describes. Now don't hear me wrong, I'm not deluded enough to think this is any sort of a quick fix. I know it will take some time. But the thing is I have hardly started the book and have already noticed changes, as minor as they may be. That's encouraging!!
Well I have rambled on longer than I had time for and longer than I thought I would so I close for now. But really, check out this book and give me some more background if you're willing. I think we can be a real help and encouragement to each other in our times of trial!! Till next time.

ja,
let me start this post by saying it's good to see your still keeping up with my "neverending story" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> today is defenently one of my better days.Just to clarify, I am back at home and i've been back for 7 months and at first she was glad to have me back and we were both trying to forfill each others needs with much glee, low and behold the first time she got to feeling insecure she went on this downward spiral..now i thought maybe she was getting a bunch of "talk" in her ear from all these guys that she spends so much time talking to on the phone but i came to realize that we are going thru what we initially would have went thru if i hadn't left after it all came out into the open...but i knew she was gonna go into the arms of another man cause she started talking to him b4 i left and i knew i could not live with her as she was "dating", because in her mind the m was over.And b4 i left she already told me she had slept with 2 "friends" when I was gone it then became 4..Eventually because of the kids and financial obligation I came back home.....At present to my knowledge neither of us is seeing anyone else, we have agreed to be very honest and so far my heart says this is happening like it should...ja, i come to realize that i am climbing a mountain and i am pulling her up with a rope..it gets really exhausting sometimes because instead of her helping me most of the time she's just letting me pull instead of helping herself up...she needs this perticular counseling we've got set up much more than me cause i've read and understood alot from this site AND I UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE REALLY DONE TO HER..and and even though she has the pieces as to why i did this she can't get over the pain of seeing me and knowing i could hve done this to someone like her whom i loved and to whom she was always so faithful to ...she's afraid that i haven't dealt with what drove me to such deseption and that i will fall into the same trap...and i know deep in my heart and soul that i would never go that route ever again...the hurt alone was too overwhelming and this experience I for one would not wish on my worst enemy...This trip has not been finalized but i've always been the optimist unlike my w who is diffantly the opposite"couldn't spell the other word <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ", but she humbled to my reasoning and I told her it would give us a chance not to be up in each others face all the time and give us a chance to really talk like we use to because that is all we'd be able to do..I have promised to be deligent to my work and faithful in my stride...she will have a releif from the kids and the mess while she starts counseling and i realize its like keeping the back door open but I can't continue to let my mistake hinder every opportunity for our families growth...I can't change her mind but i can be the man i've always intended to be and if this trip is a chance to also prove how strong i can be and that i can keep my promises...even if the only one that will truly see is me then it is worth it...The Most High doesn't give us any more than we can bare...thats what momma always said...

ja,
had to break....lots of work today...anyhow, your doing the right thing in keeping god first in your marriage. I will check that book out and give you some feed back..I know that change is the one constant in this life and change can be positive or negative....you two seem like you need to relearn each other because in the years you have been together you have both been thru your own changes and whether good or bad you two have to take the time to let each other evaluate those changes. Are you two going thru counseling? Is that something that interest her? I know in my case my w wants to see if she has the ability to give me an honest last chance or if she can just heal from the damage i inflicted and be able to be in love with someonelse ever again and let the m go. To me, whether i'm here or there I feel as long as she can talk to me without conflict and i'm not demanding anything of her and she has the brething spce without the stress of me or the kids if she starts counseling w/or w/o me it is at least a start.I hope i can at least do some conference calls or at least go to the first session w/her she can still feel my presence and support..I'm not sure....I really don't want to miss out on this money though but I would if I could get some real confirmation? I want to think that this is a sign from god, this trip, but i can't tell yet.Well, my hopes remain the same and my love is always there for her ...I'll pray on it...say one for me ..I need a answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hey B,
Sorry but I only have a minute but I'll post again tomorrow.
Glad to hear you're at home but I know the bitter sweet of it. When you're together you soetimes feel like you can spend the whole time working things out but on the other there always seems to be that latent tension in the air. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells but even that's tough because even though I know I am the primary contributor to the pain in our marriage, it's never just a one way street.
Like even now, after another discussion today, she admits she has been being very private and cold to me. It sure makes it difficult to move forward in those conditions.
The emotions definately run on highs and lows. We have BREIF moments when all seems well but sometimes the pain rolls in like a tidlewave. I can't tell if she's just sticking around because of the kids or if she is still deciding whether or not to fully give me another chance.
It sounds as though the affairs have run pretty rampant, or was the "dating", as you put it, an agreed upon deal? Either way it sounds like she is really searching for someone to meet her EN. Even though it has seems to manifest itself in the form of sex, she is most likley looking for other needs to be met. Though she may not think she wants you to meet all of those needs, you are the best suited for that job! After all, she married YOU! She originally fell in love with YOU! You just need to remind her of that, with God's help of course, by SHOWING her you are the one!
Once again, I would really put some serious time in prayer about the whole job thing! I have seen so many, and experienced some myself, situations where someone was "LED" into a bad situation based on the "NEED" for money. I think you'll know where the leading is coming from if you just listen to the Lord. We all need money but it's not always what is needed, if you know what I mean.
Anyways I gotta go till next time.

Blessed w/another day J,
Thanks again for the time....It got a little good the other nite after i celebrated with her watching the Lakers and Spurs duke it out, we're not much into watching sports but she had a bet with a guy at work and she won then we got intimate and it felt pretty genuine....low and behold because it seems like I never know who she's really talking to on the phone, while she was sleeping i checked her cell, now, some may say i'm wrong but, when you feel as insecure as i do with our relationship and she goes out her way to always erase #'s or allow men to call her and block there #'s, to me that's all pretty direspectful...And in turn I, try to look for pattern changes, wondering if i'm doing anything right. Of course she erased who she was talking to and that made me upset, since then i decided to stop looking but i let her know i looked and asked her why she does that and that this is one of the reasons my good days always turn bad...if it's nothing but "a friend" why hide, why have them block #'s, i'm not the type who would call them....i would be playing myself doing that, knowing my w allows them to disrespect in that manner is just hurtfull, well....she says we both just need to do our own thing ..she says she doesn't want to be in a "relationship" and I don't need one either. She admits she's got issues and we need counseling but in the mean time we need to just be friends and see what will come out of counseling....so until then, i guess its just work ,kids and whatever....doing me. I had to agree actually, we're tearing each other apart and we don't want to end up hating each other.We are now on to discussing a plan B, what we should do if the marriage can't work. God help us.

Good to hear from you again B! I'm glad you're stickin' in there!
You know from some of the feedback I've got from some of the women on this forum, if you can be physically intimate w/your W in the middle of what guys like us are going through then it is still depositing good points into her LB. My W and I still have not been physical, beyond hugs touches of endearment, since the revelation. About a week after the truth of her feelings came out, we were at her sisters place playing cards. All seemed to be going well but when we headed home her mood seemed to change so I asked her what was wrong. She said she was confused because she had told me her feelings for me were gone but she was "in the mood" and didn't know how to handle it. She said she felt selfish for wanting to do it just to satisfy her desires but that she was kind of entitled to feel selfish after all the years of just serving and not being served. Pretty harsh but understandable. I told her I would love nothing more than to spend that kind of time w/her but I was still trying to get a hold of myself after such a tremendous blow the week before. Plus I was afraid there would be regret on her part the next morning because the reason she had been aroused was due to the fact that she admitted she had copped a little buzz from the couple beers she had. I didn't really know how to feel, I was probably as mixed up emotionally as she was.
My desire to be w/her, to touch her, to hug & cuddle w/her, to talk to her, has been so overwhelming I can't get her off my mind. As I stated before, I never realized how much I truly love her. Sometimes I wish I could ask God if He could pick up the pace a little w/our fix but I know it is His timing not mine. I'm content w/that because I also know you can't rush a good thing! My human-ness comes out soetimes and I get impatient. Plus I read of these couples who have been working on their fix for sometimes years. If they can be that patient, so can I.
You know, I find myself getting jealous at times when she talks to other guys and seems to enjoy their company more than mine but I realize it's just because I get worried that she may get the idea that one of them might be able to fill her EN instead of waiting for me to come around. So every phone call, every time she goes out alone, and so on, I find myself getting worried. It's a tough emotional roller-coaster. It just dawned on me that perhaps when those times come, I should pray that God will put a hedge of protection around my W so will be blind towards the advances of others. Who knows.
I think the "being friends" part is a good thing. That's a great foundation for any relationship and that is what I am working on right now. I'm trying to get to know my W again like you suggested. Trying to find out what makes her tick. What she likes and dislikes. What turns her on and turns her off. Doing my best to "Listen" to her and have compassion for her in her times of need, and so on. I don't believe you can go wrong by building that kind of friendship.
It's good you two are still talking about going to counseling but you just need to actually get to it. Just talking about it won't get you anywhere other than knowing you're both willing. It may be the thing that brings it all together for you. As NIKE says, "Just Do It!"
I have been praying for you two as much as I have been praying for my own marriage. I hope God will work in your relationship and bring about good fruit! Does your W carry the same Faith as you? Does she share your beliefs? Do you pray together or does she pray at least on her own? If you do share the same Faith, if you havn't already tried or thought of this, it may speak volumes to her of your love if you asked her to pray with you each night before bed. It actually gives both of you the opportunity to express your feelings towards life & each other out loud before God, the Great Mediator, w/o emotions flairing up. It's hard to get mad when God is in the middle of it. Know what I mean? Besides God has a way of helping you be totally honest with your feelings and that allows you to hear how to best serve each other. You can let each other know how you where your hurt & your love sits towards eachother. You might give it a try, what do you got to lose?
Till next time!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jahoney:
<strong> Good to hear from you again B! I'm glad you're stickin' in there!
You know from some of the feedback I've got from some of the women on this forum, if you can be physically intimate w/your W in the middle of what guys like us are going through then it is still depositing good points into her LB. My W and I still have not been physical, beyond hugs touches of endearment, since the revelation. About a week after the truth of her feelings came out, we were at her sisters place playing cards. All seemed to be going well but when we headed home her mood seemed to change so I asked her what was wrong. She said she was confused because she had told me her feelings for me were gone but she was "in the mood" and didn't know how to handle it. She said she felt selfish for wanting to do it just to satisfy her desires but that she was kind of entitled to feel selfish after all the years of just serving and not being served. Pretty harsh but understandable. I told her I would love nothing more than to spend that kind of time w/her but I was still trying to get a hold of myself after such a tremendous blow the week before. Plus I was afraid there would be regret on her part the next morning because the reason she had been aroused was due to the fact that she admitted she had copped a little buzz from the couple beers she had. I didn't really know how to feel, I was probably as mixed up emotionally as she was.
My desire to be w/her, to touch her, to hug & cuddle w/her, to talk to her, has been so overwhelming I can't get her off my mind. As I stated before, I never realized how much I truly love her. Sometimes I wish I could ask God if He could pick up the pace a little w/our fix but I know it is His timing not mine. I'm content w/that because I also know you can't rush a good thing! My human-ness comes out soetimes and I get impatient. Plus I read of these couples who have been working on their fix for sometimes years. If they can be that patient, so can I.
You know, I find myself getting jealous at times when she talks to other guys and seems to enjoy their company more than mine but I realize it's just because I get worried that she may get the idea that one of them might be able to fill her EN instead of waiting for me to come around. So every phone call, every time she goes out alone, and so on, I find myself getting worried. It's a tough emotional roller-coaster. It just dawned on me that perhaps when those times come, I should pray that God will put a hedge of protection around my W so will be blind towards the advances of others. Who knows.
I think the "being friends" part is a good thing. That's a great foundation for any relationship and that is what I am working on right now. I'm trying to get to know my W again like you suggested. Trying to find out what makes her tick. What she likes and dislikes. What turns her on and turns her off. Doing my best to "Listen" to her and have compassion for her in her times of need, and so on. I don't believe you can go wrong by building that kind of friendship.
It's good you two are still talking about going to counseling but you just need to actually get to it. Just talking about it won't get you anywhere other than knowing you're both willing. It may be the thing that brings it all together for you. As NIKE says, "Just Do It!"
I have been praying for you two as much as I have been praying for my own marriage. I hope God will work in your relationship and bring about good fruit! Does your W carry the same Faith as you? Does she share your beliefs? Do you pray together or does she pray at least on her own? If you do share the same Faith, if you havn't already tried or thought of this, it may speak volumes to her of your love if you asked her to pray with you each night before bed. It actually gives both of you the opportunity to express your feelings towards life & each other out loud before God, the Great Mediator, w/o emotions flairing up. It's hard to get mad when God is in the middle of it. Know what I mean? Besides God has a way of helping you be totally honest with your feelings and that allows you to hear how to best serve each other. You can let each other know how you where your hurt & your love sits towards eachother. You might give it a try, what do you got to lose?
Till next time! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is just beautiful. I do so wish I could hear these words from my own husband.

Jillian,
Thanks and welcome to MB! But let me tell you, these are words coming from a man who is treading water with a 40 pound weight vest on. There are days I don't know if I'll make it. I think if my W had the opportunity in her mind, she would up and leave. Last night we had another long talk and she said her fear of leaving was not that she would ever regret the decision but that her family & friends would put the blame on her and the damage it would do to the kids. I get the feeling from our conversations that she firmly believes she will never fall in love w/me again but is afraid to outright say it in fear that it would push me over the edge. I know that it is a real possibility but I also have Faith that God can & will mend my marriage if I am faithful to Him. My W gave me a hypothetical last night. She asked, "How would you handle it if you knew I was going to stick around until our youngest daughter was 18(16 years from now)and then leave?" I told her I would thank God for 16 years worth of opportunity to win her heart back. I don't think that was the answer she expected to hear because she began to cry. I don't know if it was because she is realizing my love for her or if it was out of frustration that I refuse to just give up and roll over. I prefer to think of it in terms of the first. I also told her that if she did end up leaving I would survive but the pain of my failure would linger forever. I know I wouldn't do something as foolish as suicide or falling into the bottom of a bottle, but it would be very tough moving on. It would be brutal being seperated from my 5 kids, but it would be even worse losing my W.
If God is for me, who can be against me.
If you would like to talk about your situation, this is a perfect place to open up. There are alot of people who can relate with your situation and there is some very sound advise here. I would be happy to at least be an open ear and if you would allow offer any advise or encouragement I can.

Jillian
Just a word of encouragement for you. My husband and I grew apart after 17 years of marriage. I got envolved with another man and told my husband about it and that I wanted out. Well that was a wake up call to him. He started learning how to love me. Read all sorts of Christian based books about love and marriage etc. Well he put his own feelings aside and decided to show me the love that Christ had intended married couples to have. During this time, I sure wasn't easy to love. I was so confused, I was to the point of no longer hating my husband but I had no feeling what so ever for him. I didn't think I would ever. By the grace of God and my husband's never ending love, did the love bank start to fill up. I eventually came around. In fact I remember the first time I kissed my husband passionately for the first time in over 15+ years (I started to cry) Take it from me, don't ever give up. Just continually love her UNCONDITIONALLY and pray to God for the strength to continue when it is getting tough. Boy it is so worth it! We now have BOTH learned how to communicate, love and enjoy each other. It has never been so intimate before. Words can't describe how much I love my husband and how much I appreciate him fighting for me. I'm TRUELY BLESSED

hey ja,
I know it's been a long while but things have changed a great deal....I am still out of town and finally got a minute to get in touch with you.
My wife and kids joined me here on 6/3, i had left in a cloud of uncertainty on 5/19, but shortly after around the 21st or 22nd, she made it clear there was no "fixing" us and I should prepare to move on because she was already thinking of persuing someonelse. The hurt was intense but after being hurt already for so long I was a bit numb to the pain and I was constantly telling myself to move on...just move on....anyhow, i was keeping busy with work and meeting lots of new people but then on 5/26 I got news that my step father had lost the battle with his diabetes and had past on.I was sort of glad though he was suffering way to long and i hate to see people suffer....RIP....Well, my dad told my wife what had happened because I had stopped calling just to talk on a personal level, it was just business and kids now. She called me to see how i was and i told her fine ,she wanted to come up and bring the kids and i told her it wasn't neccessary but I started to sound grudgeful so I changed my tune and made arrangements for everyone...so from 5/27-6/3 I briefly talked to her about the arrangements and we had no conversation other than that.....ja, the day she got here was filled with a bunch of unnecessary drama...and just when i had had it up to the sky with all her fussing and and drama...I was taking her to her mothers and she pulled the rabbit out the hat.....she wanted to try one last time she said...but she's scared, she wants to move and get back around our families....ja, I was overwhelmed....shocked....I mean I was preparing for this unwanted journey and now this.....well we're talking....GOD is Great...but we still need to be careful....i'm not about to hurt or be hurt in this relationship again...i'll update later...holla at your boy! Peace

B,
GREAT to hear from you!!!!! You and yours have been on my mind and in my prayers! It had been long enough though that I had stopped checking this board but I just had a little prompting to check one more time, and what do ya know!
Anyhow, I am so overjoyed to hear about the hat trick, you have no idea! It gives me hope and builds my Faith as I have been praying for your marriage! I do understand the fear of being hurt or doing the hurting though. It is a fine line to walk but it's do-able.
I don't have time to go into the details of how things have been on my end because I just finished posting in the Emotional Needs Board. Check out the posts titled, "Any Ideas, ASAP", "Date Update", and "COMMUNICATION". This should get you somewhat up to date. But just let me say, I need some serious prayer, one step forward--knocked back 3 or 4. Know what I mean?
Till next time, and keep looking Up!