I realize that I have been very sporadic in posting lately, but my life has been so hectic that I haven't had time for anything of a personal nature at all.<p>I have a new email address: blackbird_fly1@yahoo.com<p>My old email account no longer exists because altavista eliminated its free email service entirely.<p>It's been so nuts in my life that I don't know where to begin.<p>To make a long story short, my h moved out on Monday. The move was at my request following more abusive behavior from him. He has rented a two bedroom trailer near his work (an hour away from us) and sees the children frequently. He seems to think that we can work this out and resurrect the marriage, but I am tired of all of the games and drama. I am ready for divorce. During the very one-sided (him yelling at me) argument on Monday night, he
-ripped a door off its hinges
-threw a lit cigarette at me
-took my wedding ring off and threw it, saying I didn't "deserve" to wear it.<p>I have come to the conclusion that my husband is mentally unbalanced. I do not know if the oc drama, coupled with his miserable childhood, was just too much for him, but he is not the man he used to be. <p>In some ways it is very sad for me. I took the children to see him last night and the trailer he is living in is just so cheap and dilapidated. I gave him whatever furniture he wanted from the house, so at least he has that. It all made me want to cry, with the children wanting to know why daddy has a new house. But I can't take it anymore. <p>In some ways, it is such a wonderful thing to be on my own. I am working VERY hard - three jobs and long hours - but I was doing that before the break up so it isn't that much different. The best part is coming home in the evening, putting the children to bed, and just sitting and enjoying the silence. H still thinks he can change this and that we'll get back together, but I just don't know if that's what I want anymore.<p>I feel free. For the first time in a long time I feel happy just to be me. <p>I thought I would be scared to be by myself without h - but so far I am not afraid. I feel very confident and alive. I have been asked out by several men (mostly clients of the law firm) and although I have refused all, it feels good to think that I am looking not-so-bad.<p>If h and I do get divorced, I don't know how I'll ever date again. I'm sure I have enough trust issues to fill up several psychology journals.<p>Other changes - I have applied to Widener School of Law with an anticipated start date of August of this year. I do not know how I will ever do it - I would probably have to sell the house and move willy-nilly at the last moment if I get accepted, which is scary in itself. I have NEVER been on my own before this - much less alone in a strange town - but in some ways it sounds so exciting. My parents have offered to keep my two oldest boys for a while, until I get things worked out. I will have a significant little chunk of money coming from my boss (h's former lawyer - he withdrew from h's case after h and I separated) after one of our accident cases settles. It is a case that I have handled practically by myself, so I will get a percentage of the payout, and while it is not enough to live on for long, it is enough to get me started in a new town, if it comes to that. Lawyer says that when I get done, he will guarantee me a partnership with his firm.<p>H is at our house this weekend, to fix his truck - he hit a deer last week and has not had transportation since, and he also offered to help with some jobs around the house, so I agreed. He is being nice for a change, but I needed to get away from him for a while, since he makes me nervous, so I am here at the law office on the computer.<p>As to oc - like I said, h no longer has an attorney representing him. His former lawyer is my boss, and we have become close friends, and we all agreed that it was getting to be too much of a conflict. H is currently not seeing oc, and has been very angry with me for not agreeing to having her at our house (since the possible child abuse accusation situation). The worst part of that is h spent several weeks condemning me for "forcing" him into a relationship with oc, which I assuredly did not - I was always extremely supportive and welcomed oc into our home and our lives, but I did not "force" h into it!!! But when I decided that I would no longer participate in the custody battle, he said I was a bytch for not wanting his (he put an emphasis on *his*, as if I hadn't treated her like my own) daughter. It got to be a no-win situation for me.<p>How do I feel about oc now that h and I are living separately? I feel sorry for her, b/c I don't believe h will be motivated enough on his own to make the effort to see her. In some strange and wistful ways, I miss having her in my life. But in other ways, it feels like some heavy, oppressive weight has been lifted from my shoulders b/c I do not have to face oc triggers on a daily basis. When it is just me and my boys, I am far too busy to dwell on the oc/ow drama. I'm sure it will continue to be painful someday in the future, but for now, I am content to put that aside and just live my life. <p>My parents have been pretty quiet throughout all, but I think they will be very relieved if the divorce goes through. They feel, I know, that I have been through enough with this man. Before now, I always thought they were wrong for feeling this way. Now I am not so sure.<p>Maybe a week or two from now I will be on here crying b/c I want my marriage back. I don't know. I don't know what tomorrow brings or how I will feel, or what I should do with my life. But for right now, at this time, it feels good to just live my life a day at a time.<p>I will try to get caught up some with personal email - TIgger, I haven't written forever to you, and I'm sorry. Same for catnip, gem, and unhappy wife. And mina, I feel so badly that I haven't gotten ahold of you. Please write to me, dear friends, b/c when my altavista email account vanished, so did my address book, so I am stuck without addys for all of you. I have still written to Bystander, who I think is very distressed to hear of my marriage ending. He has been so helpful throughout all.<p>Talk to you more soon,
-cdcollins

C.D, Although I am a BS I don't have an other child. I am bumping this up because I feel you need the support of reponses much more than some random, sensasionalism needing drive-by-poster, or should I say pester. My thoughts and heart go out to you. Remember, I am woman, hear me roar...

CD,<p>It was good to hear from you again! I have been wondering how you've been. I copied your new email address, and sent you a little letter! I will pray for you and your boys in the coming weeks and months! Keep us updated as much as you can! Good luck with the law school!<p>Love,<p>Tigger

CD,
You're doing great lady! You hang in there; your DH's behavior sounds really scarey. Any chance he'll seek professional help?? Maybe his condition is controllable with medication or...? Thank God the boys have you.<p>Prayers from another oldbie,
Jenny

cd, I was glad to read your post today. I'm going to write a short e-mail for your address book.<p>I am so happy for your familys' support. That is key in these type of situations.<p>As far as law school....go get 'em girl! You are amazing and something good is coming in your life.<p>As far as your H, I'm puzzled...I hope the divorce is swift. You don't need to put up w/all he's done to you. Like you're a scapegoat!<p>Bless you.<p>Love
Debi

Dear Cd,<p>I have not lurk for quite some time. I am so happy to hear from you. Hang in there you are very strong lady.I am praying for you and your boys.<p>
I sent you an email.<p>with love mina<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: mina29 ]</p>

cd,
I hope you don't mind... I referred another MBer to your thread for a question re: legal matters. She is in Iowa, and has some questions.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=009619<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>