Today I went to Walmart to do some shopping. It is amazing to me what simple every day activites will do to bring back memories.
We did a lot of our shopping for oc at this Walmart. I could not even bring myself to look at the baby section as I pushed my cart by. I wonder if I am always going to feel this way or if it will go away.
For those who do not know my story, h and I had visitation with oc for the first nine months of oc's life. We saw oc every other weekend and sometimes more from the time he was 1 month old. We have a spare room full of baby toys, clothes, stroller, high chair, stuffed animals, etc. We love oc very much and I miss him more some days than others. My heart sinks every time I see a litte boy about his age. I wonder if he is happy or if he confused.
Actually, he hasn't seen us for about 5 months so he probably doesnt miss us at all. Our exow decided she did not want us in oc's life if H could not be there when and how she wanted. We paid cs and watched oc for her when she lived nearby and wanted to work overtime. We incorporated him into our lives as much as we could.
I guess the good news is that she has stopped playing her games. She honestly has taken oc out of our lives and stuck by that. She has not contacted us since the end of Feb. We do not even know if she lives in the same house since she said she was moving.
I still wonder if we should have fought harder to be in oc's life, but our exow showed that she was going to try to control how and when we were involved and want more. I guess this is all for the best, but I still hurt. I miss him. He is a precious, precious boy that I miss giggling with and holding and soothing. I miss watching him sleep and interact with his father.
It is bad enough that I had to get used to the idea that my H was unfaithful, that he fathered his first and only son with another woman, that I grew to love that child, and finally, now, that I have to wonder about that child and wait for him to show up again asking questions.
I totally understand now why no contact is the best way to go. I just wish that people would understand when some choose to not be involved with oc. We go through enough pain as it is. I don't know what is worse, the affair, or letting go of oc.
Just venting...thanks for listening.

T4S,<p>I was thinking about you today...(((((((hugs))))))<p>I'm always here for you to talk to, you know my phone number, I'm just a phone call or a drive away.<p>Hugs and Prayers,
Twiisty

This is what my H does not understand.That rather than help a situation, that contact can hurt many, including OC. That no contact is the best for all, and that the OC would do find without the heartbreak the OC brings to bio father and his other family. Look at all kids who are raised initially by single women-with no intention of bio father involvement.The kids are o.k. So why do OW think their children deserve more?As it is, they get preposterous amounts of CS, and then blame the WS for their lot. I think not. I for one want no contact, and my H doesn't see the pain he is causing me.As if the A and just the child's existence isn't enough. He frankly isn't worth all this.

TRYING4SAINT: I didnt know your story. Wow. It got my attention right away though. I am struggling w/ confusion about H's OC. The OW moved to another state at 5 mo. preg. She reunited with her H, and I wrongly assumed he would never allow them to move back to this area. <p>I got use to the idea of the OC being an occasional person in our life. Someone we would fly to visit 1-2 times a year. In addition to CS, nearly every month I would mail a big box of clothes, diapers, bottles, toys...whatever I saw at WalMart (hee hee) that I liked...that I thought she would like or could use. I have a box of things for the future, larger size clothes, toys for when shes older, things I buy when I see a great sale, just waiting for a day to mail them. At this point I dont care if she ever gets them.<p>3 weeks ago I learned Ow & family had moved back here, and that my H has seen OW and baby unsupervised twice, once B4 I even knew she was back. My H didnt even tell me, HER H called to let me know they were here! I was beside my self with disbelief that my H would sneak around one more time. HE couldnt understand why I wanted to fly with him the first time he saw the baby. He thought I was torturing myself. I tried to explain that I wanted to bond w/ him and the baby if she were to be a part of my life too. I told him I did not want him to bond w/ OW and baby and have them share a mommy-daddy moment. It makes me sick to think about that. He knew how strongly I felt about that. He knew how much thought went into those gifts I mailed, and wrapped so cutely. Yet he didnt care and saw them together without me anyway.<p>That hurt so much, I had to ask H to leave home until he could get his head together. He says it means nothing more then he wanted to see the OC. I said, if that were true he would have told me and we would have gone together. HE said he didnt want to hurt me. I said I am tired of hearing that. When you do something with OW when you know I have asked for "no contact" and that she deal with me....you hurt me. <p>To make matters worse, Ow's H is convinced that OW and my H will get married, and he has left her, gone back to his home town saying he will file for divorce.<p>Now I am confused about many things, one being if H and I stay together and OC lives here we will see her frequently. I dont know how I feel about that. <p>It encouraged me to hear how much you loved your OC. I thought I could love ours too, but Im feeling so much resentment now I dont know what I feel or want anymore. Im sad at your turn of events. our OW is very unpredictable and I can see her doing something just as yours did. My H went to see a lawyer about getting legal visitation, but was told he has no juristiction until they live here 6 months. Being as I dont know if or how OC will fit into my life on a full time basis I asked H if he would be willing to give her up for me if I couldnt handle it. He said "I dont know" (Not that I would really ever ask it of him. Just curious as to what he would say.)<p>I hate OW being back here and, as you said, EXPECTING that we would all be fine about being a full time step-family. How do I explain about baby to people who know us, but not our circumstance? WIth everything else I was willing to deal with, having them all in my backyard wasnt one of them. Though there were times when I would daydream about what it could be like in an ideal situation..(which mine has never proven to be.) H is gleeful saying it will make it easier when it comes to decisions like schools, and religion and such. I said "excuse me...when did you get joint-custody of this child? The only decision we ever made was for visitation, allowing OW and her H to raise child as they saw fit." It burns me up!!<p>I only wish that I could look into the future about 5 years and see how this all turns out. The suspense is killing me.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tryin4sainthood:
[QB]I could not even bring myself to look at the baby section as I pushed my cart by. I wonder if I am always going to feel this way or if it will go away.<p>Not only can I NOT go down the "baby" aisle at Target, Wally World or Kmart, I can't stand to go down the aisle where they have the pregnancy tests! OW carried an EPT test in her purse on her first date with my hsuband!!! I avoid the baby food aisle at the grocery store, too...very painful still<p>We love oc very much and I miss him more some days than others. My heart sinks every time I see a litte boy about his age. I wonder if he is happy or if he confused.<p>See the tragedy of all this? You allow yourself to love OC when the OW with a heart like a rock who is having the most controlling power trip of her life is calling the shots, and you are left even more bereft than you were initially...at her hands, once again. She just keeps infliciting more and more pain over and over again...after what she has already done to you! The cruelty and injustice of it all slays me.<p>Our exow decided she did not want us in oc's life if H could not be there when and how she wanted.<p>SHE decided! She couldn't have her way all the way, so she takes her ball and goes home. <p>I guess this is all for the best, but I still hurt. I miss him. He is a precious, precious boy that I miss giggling with and holding and soothing. I miss watching him sleep and interact with his father.<p>Whoa...this is so tragic. How generous and loving of you to care so much for this child only to have this child taken from you on a whim. You have genuine love for this baby and she is denying him these wonderful times that would ultimately make him a better person and give him what he needs to be a whole adult someday. you are so kind.<p>It is bad enough that I had to get used to the idea that my H was unfaithful, that he fathered his first and only son with another woman, that I grew to love that child, <p>I totally understand now why no contact is the best way to go.
We go through enough pain as it is. I don't know what is worse, the affair, or letting go of oc.
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>No contact eliminates this added and unnecessary heartache. You shouldn't be put through this after all you have already endured. I am so sorry. You must feel like you yourself have lost a child in a way. Your OW is incredibly selfish. I am so sorry you are so hurt by this.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by heart of hope:
[QB]<p>3 weeks ago I learned Ow & family had moved back here, and that my H has seen OW and baby unsupervised twice, once B4 I even knew she was back. My H didnt even tell me, HER H called to let me know they were here! I was beside my self with disbelief that my H would sneak around one more time. HE couldnt understand why I wanted to fly with him the first time he saw the baby. He thought I was torturing myself. I tried to explain that I wanted to bond w/ him and the baby if she were to be a part of my life too. I told him I did not want him to bond w/ OW and baby and have them share a mommy-daddy moment. It makes me sick to think about that. He knew how strongly I felt about that. He knew how much thought went into those gifts I mailed, and wrapped so cutely. Yet he didnt care and saw them together without me anyway.<p>QB]<hr></blockquote><p>This is a red flag, HOH...I truly hope that you and your husband will get immediate counselling on this with a Harley counselor. <p>Please do not let this blow over as it sits.

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

Thank you for all your replies. We could fight for custody or definite visitation, but we dont have the money or the strength. H has decided he is tired of her games and it is best this way. It is his child and I am not going to force the issue.
In a wierd way, this whole mess has brought us closer together. It is a loss we both suffered and we understand each other's pain. It is one of the few crisis we have gone through together and on the same side. Our exow is the one who has to live with the fact that she was self-centered and never put her child first. We have the pictures and videotape to prove that he is and was wanted and loved. She can explain why he couldn't be a part of his father's life.
Thank you again for the responses. I guess I hit a nerve with others as well.<p>On another note...pray for us. We start fertility meds this week and will be trying to conceive our own bundle of joy over the next two months. I am excited, nervous, stressed, and calm all at the same time. I hope God sees fit to give us a miracle so we may truly begin our lives with our own child. Hopefully a girl...since "She" didn't give H that much. I will love whatever child God plans for us. I just pray it is sooner than later.

trying,<p>I agree with whatif?. <p>Get a court order. Get something that you and your H can use to see the baby.

We have court ordered Parenting Time. We have contact with Lil Bit every week. Not the standard; every other weekend. <p>ExOW doesn&#8217;t like it, but she has learned to deal with it. H is still fighting for custody. We feel that our chances are better, considering he has 51.19% of the week. And exOW has a horrible history in regards to her children.<p>Your story made me cry when I read it. I had read your posts before, with the same results. I continually fear that our exOW will take Lil Bit and run. <p>I pray that you find the help you need. And I totally think doing it through legal channels is definitely the way to go. You bonded with that little boy. Your husband is the FATHER. He has rights, if he chooses to exercise them. If you truly want to be in his life, and have him in yours, I encourage you, talk to your H about fighting for his rights.
It may take a little while to get everything established. But you won&#8217;t be waiting until he is 18 to come looking for his Father and you.<p>
Know that I am praying for you. I have been since I first read your story.

Well, now you have plenty of baby stuff on hand for your own family! I'm in agreement with your prayers for the miracle of conceiving your own child.<p>OW didn't "give" your H anything but heartache and misery. She probably just couldn't deal with the humiliation of your marriage remaining intact and being reminded of her mistake. AND seeing how you both could provide more for her own kid than she could! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>She doesn't deserve to take up any more space in your thoughts. She will have a lot of explaining to do re: her OC and his paternity.<p>Focus on you! Try to relax. OC will make it. God will take care of him.