Dear Friends, <p>I am sorry that I did not post the last time to give you an update, when I email ow. I have been depress. I did not want to accept the reality after seeing the picture that I ask ow to email me a copy of the 2nd oc birth certificate. I want it to block this out my mind. H new all along he's been sending ow money for the new oc. I also called the hospital where ow gave birth in Florida. I spoke to someone in medical records, she did have a baby boy on March 23, 2002. She was admitted on March 22. The lady even confirm the name of the baby. I am so depress, about this. I can't stay with h no longer for the children. This is destroying me emotionally. <p>Please need advice.<p>mina<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: mina29 ]</p>

Dear Mina,<p>There are a few others on this forum whose spouses have more than one OC. Hopefully, they will come along to tell you how they coped.<p>I just want to say how terribly sorry I am for your pain right now. I remember how violent your H became when you confronted him. Please plan very carefully what you want to do. Try not to confront him alone and be very careful for your own sake.<p>Betrayal is the most difficult thing a marriage can endure. What got me through my own situation was knowing that my H made a mistake, he recognized that mistake and then did everything in his power to make it right. It would be harder for me to justify his actions if it happened again with the same OW.<p>But, I remember your case and I think your H was still in the fog. He was winding down his physical relationship with the OW and one of those last times together obviously produced the second OC. Is that correct?<p>My H once told me that if he wanted to be with the OW, the OC provided the perfect opportunity to push him towards her. But the simple fact was he wanted to be with me. He was confused and he misled the OW, but once he got his head together, he recommitted to me and our family.<p>Has your H said anything else to you that would let you know his feelings. Is he trying to be committed to you despite the second OC?<p>Your feelings have to be your guide. I can only offer you a big hug full of support and caring for you, and prayers that you will make your decisions with a clear mind and heart. Keep talking to everyone here and hopefully things will become clearer.<p>Good luck,
love,
heavenly

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

Thank you heavenly for your advice. <p>You are such a sweetheart. I haven't confront h for the same reason that I fear that he will become violent like the last time. He doesn't care about my feelings at all. Last time he blame me for snooping around, and not letting things alone. He is afraid to get ow upset that she will take him to court for paternity, and he will have to pay more child support. I know now that there is a 2nd oc after speaking to medical records. <p>H slept that time with ow on June 22,2001. He was mad at me for not attending the family gathering that his family had welcoming his sister that was visiting from Texas. He got really drunk and went to ow apt. that night. I caught him on Monday morning at 6:00am. I took a cab and went with my two children, his car was park right in front of her apartment. Now she gave birth to 2nd oc on March 23. <p>I am so devastated. <p>Dear Tina,<p>Thank you so much for your advice. I am so confuse can't even think straight. If one oc was bad enough, now a 2nd oc,to complicate matters. This past year before ow moved to Florida, h and <p>I had many problems because I didn't approve of contact. He was seeing oc behind my back, and in the process sleeping with her. In my mind I can't picture another child.<p>How are you coping with 2 oc. I will like to speak to you. I will post my email address for 20 minutes. <p>I am paranoid of posting my email address, I hope you read my post soon. <p>mina<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: mina29 ]</p>

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

Dear Tina, <p>I am sorry, I haven't follow your story lately. In fact I haven't lurk in a while. I have been feeling very down, and also have been very busy with work, and my two children. I have read your post. I also can't accept the two. I couldn't accept one oc to beging with, imagine two. Ow and I hate each other. We can't have a civil conversation. She has cause too many problems. I can't picture myself enduring this nightmare for the sake of my children.

Dear Mina,<p>I am so glad that Tina came along to give you some insight on the special problems of dealing with 2 OCs.<p>It is so sad that such a thing happened but it sounds very much like Tina's situation where the 2nd OC is an unfortunate accident when he was still torn between the two of you.<p>I would only like to add one thing. I used to believe that my H was protecting the OW. She did the most outrageous and hurtful things to me and he would never address it. I used to believe that he valued her feelings more than he did mine.<p>I have now come to understand that he had more to fear from her and that is why he tried to keep her happy. He tried to keep her from interfering in our life. Like your H, he had a private arrangement for child support and he did not want her to start going back to court every year taking more and more money. <p>She also knew his friends and family and he did not want her embarrassing him in front of them or appearing at his job. But, Mina, he told me that deep inside he hated always having to be manipulated by her because she was holding so much over his head. But he felt like such a fool for getting into the situation, he could never bring himself to face the situation let alone tell me how foolish he felt. <p>Some men, particularly the macho ones, have a lot of pride and they don't want to show how weak and foolish they were. <p>love,
heavenly

Dear mina,
I don't know what to say to you that could help. I'm sorry you are in such a terrible situation.<p>If you stay, you will be facing CS for two OCs, and perhaps visitation, just guessing by the way your H was visiting the first OC behind your back. He will probably want to maintain contact with both OCs. (?)<p>If you leave, you will be facing single parenting of two boys, and that is not easy either!<p>Which ever road you choose, I believe through prayer, God will be with you, guiding you every step of the way.<p>I don't believe you have any obligation to the OCs, but I do believe you have an obligation to protect your own children.<p>How is your H behaving? Do you mean to say that your H is not admitting to the 2nd OC??? If you confronted him do you think he will react violently? Do you believe he is still seeing OW? <p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I don't know what to say except do what you think is best for your kids. Their dad doesn't sound like he is being the best example for them right now, but it could change. The question is can you endure the waiting and what happens to the quality of life for your kids while you wait?<p>Does your H want to work it out? What is he saying about it or is he saying anything???<p>Well, I'm sorry if you don't hear from me over the weekend, but I will try to check in here, if possible. If not, just please know that my heartfelt prayers and thoughts are with you. I'm sorry your H chose to do this kind of damage to your household. I pray that he takes responsibility and tries to become a better person overall.

<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: Tina71 ]</p>

Dear Friends, <p>Thank you for your kind words heavenly, Bintheredunthat and Tina.<p>I confront h last night, I told him now I know for sure that there is another child. He started screaming, and accusing me of not letting things go. His response was she's in Florida, she's not taking me to court for childsupport. Why do you want to open can of worms. H don't understand how I feel with this last betrayal. He's more concern about the financial situation. I ask him that I will leave things alone if he ask ow to have a paternity test. H said he will not do that. <p>
Dear Tina,<p>Ow moved to Florida back in August 2001. Our problems never stop. H and ow have remain in contact by phone and emails, and mail behind my back. H even sent oc Christmas present, I did find out later on. <p>We pay child support for oc #1 who will be 2 years old now in July. It was a nightmare going to court back and forth. I couldn't deal with this again. H is supporting oc#2 behind my back, he's afraid that the court will take more money. H also pays childsupport for our two kids. We file separation soon after I found out about the affair back in November 2000. <p>Now that I have decided that I am not staying with my h not even for my children. I will have my child support case review. At this moment I feel very vindictive. He has hurt me so much, he's going to pay. <p>I have endure so much pain and humiliation from him, is not worth anymore. <p>mina

Dear Friends, <p>I really need to vent. I feel this sadness and depression that is consuming me. I don't have the energy to keep going. I haven't been able to sleep much this last couple of days, except for yesterday when I got so drunk. <p>I am mad at my h for doing this to me, I am mad at God for allowing ow to have another child. I am so mad at God at this moment that I even took every cross and saint that I have in the house and broke it. <p>I don't know how to keep going on. I am so tired of crying. At this moment I am such a terrible mother that I am not thinking of my two children, instead I am letting this pain consume me. This pain in ten time worst that the first time when I learned of child#1. <p>mina

{{{{{{{{{{{{mina}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Long hugs for mina!!!!! Girl, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You have every right to your grief, all that sadness and anger that is totally understandably overwhelming; I'd even say God understands too. You have visited hell. <p>PLEASE reach out for support. You need at least one really GOOD friend and a decent counselor to help you through this. <p>I know you feel guilty for not thinking of your boys first right now, but I felt the same guilt when I was grieving over the loss of a child, and batty after DDay. You have a right to your feelings too!!! Be really NICE to yourSELF and then you will have enough in your emotional bucket to help your boys through this too.<p>We'll understand whatever you decide, and frankly from your descriptions of your H, it sounds like you're doing the right thing.<p>Prayers for you Mina!
J

Wow...<p>It's amazing how your WS is so angry and defensive. It just doesn't make it seem convincing that he is remorseful when he behaves in this angry manner...<p>And going behind your back. All because of money and fear of OW, but this is so unfair to your two kids. He's trying to be fair to all the kids, but he really should have let the courts decide. He might be surprised. If he can show his income is being SPENT on his family, OW will get less! (I believe!?) If he continues to allow himself to be manipulated by OW, your marriage is negatively affected... How could you (or any BS) recover from that???<p>He's wrong, but I know that doesn't make you feel better. I can see where you would want to get him back and make him pay, but probably the only ones who will really "pay" are your two kids & OCs. So, it's probably not worth it to react in the same destructive way he sort of reacts. <p>They say the best revenge is living well. You can do it. You might not be able to change your H's ways, but you can grow from this and go on to better living. Do you have any relatives who could help you in the transition if you wanted to leave right now??? <<<<HUGS>>>>

Mina, I feel for you and know you are in a lot of pain. I felt much the same as you when I discoverd about the OC. Didn't eat, sleep, do anything. I was a walking, or barely walking zombie.<p>I urged you to seek mental health counseling for you and think of going on antidepressants. I know before you have contemplated suicide-and I don't want you to get in that spot again. Your children need you.<p>You need to take care of yourself. Please. Go see a counselor or physician and get on some medications.They will help you get some energy to fight for your kids and self.

Dear Mina,<p>I cannot agree with Jenny and UW more -- you must take care of yourself. There are medications that can improve your outlook. Go see a doctor and get something for depression. Don't be embarrassed about it -- we all need help some time. You have your children to think about and they need their mother to pull herself together.<p>I can only imagine your pain. One OC caused so much grief in my life. But try to remember that the second OC was conceived when he was trying to escape from the relationship with OW. (That is how the OC in my life was conceived -- one of the last times they were together)<p>Although your pain must be horrendous right now, don't make any major decisions until your mind settles down. Pamper yourself. Grieve for your marriage. Talk to family and/or a good friend. Please see a doctor and ask about medication for depression. It will help you to get through this terrible time.<p>love,
heavenly

Thank you, my friends for your support. <p>Yesterday I went after work to the emergency room to see a psychiatrist to no avail. I was in the emergency room for two hours and they weren't calling me so I left. I was not able to get any medication.
My counselor calling the hospital, to see if they can see me today. I haven't been able to eat, or sleep well for the last couple of days. <p>At the moment I don't have medical insurance because I just started a new job two months ago. I have to wait to my probation period ends. <p>sidenote: Ow send h two father's day card to remind him that he has two sons. She also send h a picture of her leaving the hospital with oc#2 and oc#1. I can't deny to myself that oc#2 is not my h, he looks just like him. I am so devastated by this. I have not told any member of my family yet. The only person that nows about this is my counselor,and you my friends.
mina<p>[ June 19, 2002: Message edited by: mina29 ]</p>

Mina, be persistent. Every hospital has to have some crisis set up to deal with people in crisis,and you are. Put pressure on your counselor to find someone to see you ASAP.Borrow the money if you have to but see someone for meds.Are you suicidal? Please be truthful.<p>I am familiar with the mental health field, and can give you some suggestions and adive if you need it. <p>Good luck and keep seeking help. you need some meds to help sleep and help your depression.

Sending hugs and prayers your way, mina. <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Oh Mina, please try another source--maybe even a battered women's shelter or suicide hotline... anyone who can get you in touch with some emergency care. I am so impressed that you are still getting through the days AT WORK!!<p>Prayers and hugs for you and your situation--Dear Lord. I am so sorry.
J

Dear friends, Thank you for your support. <p>Last night I went to the hospital after my counselor called the emergency phsychiatry unit. I didn't have to wait this time. First when I got to the hospital they took my information, after I went to a room with a social worker. The social worker started asking me questions as to why I was feeling so depress. I told her what has happen in my life since DD on Nov.20,2000. I told her that I recently found out that my h has a 2nd oc. After I told her this she grab my hand. She said many years ago I was in the same position that you are now. I was married with two boys. My h had an affair that produce a child. I forgave him, and few months later she became pregnant again. She find out through her cousin. Her cousin follow her h to ow house, and ow was opening the door,and it was obvious that she was pregnant again. Her h didn't have any other choice than to confese. <p>I started asking her questions. I want it to know how she did she deal with this situation.<p>She said she divorce him, she had to let him go in order to keep her sanity. She was not going to deal with visitations and child support all over again. <p>She stay with the house and the children. He moved back to Canada. She was left with their two small boys. Three years later she re-married to a wonderful man who help her raise the boys, and they had a daughter together. They have been married 12 years. She doesn't know what happen to her first h. <p>She grab my and told me everything seems black at this moment, but you got to be strong for your children. There is a light and the end of the tunel.
She told me to seek the support from your family. The problem is that my family doesn't know about this. <p>Then the phyciatrist came in I told him about my problems, he prescribe zoloft. I took zoloft back in August 2001, when I had found out that h had slept with ow, and was claiming that she was pregnant again. I chose not to believe her at that time. I thought the whore was lying.<p>mina<p>[ June 20, 2002: Message edited by: mina29 ]</p>