In Unhappy wife's post you wrote to me:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I understand that by being here with me means he wants to remain married, but it is when old habits that arise, keeping things from me concerning the OC send up red flags.<hr></blockquote><p>That brought back memories! My H and I had the worst rollercoaster ride about contact with the OC. I tried in the beginning but due to my own problems (infertility) it became unbearable to be around the OC when I was trying so hard to have a family of my own. <p>My H told me that he would not have contact and then was sneaking to see the OC (huge lovebuster). When I found out things really blew up. We almost separated, but we decided to try counselling. That was the first step in opening up communication for us. <p>One weekend I sat him down and I told him I wanted to ask him everything that was on my mind and then it would be over and we would start again if that is what we both wanted. One of the things he told me was that he could not bear to think that he had created a child and abandoned her in the world. My H came from a terrible home. He was ashamed that he had fathered a child outside of his marriage but he could not bear to just send money and not know what happened to her.<p>Another thing that came out of our conversation is how different we looked at the situation. To me, the OC represented the A and the "love" my H once had for another woman. However, he was able to separate the OC from the OW. <p>He told me that he lied to me about contact with the OC not because he was trying to trick me but because he could not stand to see me hurt by the situation. He realized that I was reading much more into the relationship than was there and it wasn't worth upsetting me because there was nothing going on with the OW anymore.<p>It is very hard to ignore those red flags, but for me that was part of separating the "old" marriage from the "new". And, when I felt those insecure feelings, I would tell him. But, I would do it in such a way that I was not blaming him or dredging up the past. Learning to hold my temper was the hardest part.<p>Those red flags are so normal. When you are feeling insecure come here and do your lovebusting [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>love,
heavenly
