My husband started an affair in November of last year while on a deployment. When he came home, he told me about it and left me to be with her. A few days later he met with me and our pastor. He broke down and told me that he missed me and that he wanted to work things out. A few days later, he came home from work and told me that the other woman was pregnant. At first he seemed to want to do whatever he could to make us work, but things changed and he left me once again. He told me that it wasn't about her, but he felt like he really needed to be there for his baby. We filed for divorce and in the meantime he found out it was twins. A month later, he came back to me saying that he was willing to walk away from her and the babies. She was 3 months pregnant at the time. We started counseling and ended up not going through with the divorce. He has had no contact with the other woman (who is also married) since he came back to me. Our counselor has even told us that we don't need to see him anymore. We are doing great on our own! I know this sounds crazy, but my biggest hang up right now is worrying about the babies (due in August). Their mother is unstable and has no idea how to care for them. She says that if my husband won't be in their life totally, then she wants nothing from him. I just worry that by asking my husband not to be a part of their life and him agreeing, I am condemning those babies to a very hard life. I also worry that when the babies are born, my husband might feel differently. I just don't think that I could live with the babies as a part of my life, esp. since it means that the other woman would remain in the picture. This is all that I think about. Please give me any advice that you can!<p>Breanna<p>[ June 27, 2002: Message edited by: Breanna ]</p>

Cant tell you what to do, I have not been in your shoes, But I am sorry You are hurting so much.. I will bump this up, I am sure there are many who can help. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

If the OW is also married how do you know the babies are not her husbands?
My H just took DNA test a couple of days ago to be sure that the baby that was born to OW is his. They havnt spoke in a year but she wants CS. This is all through the courts already because she is on assistance. She is not a good mother with the 3 she has already and I know the baby would be better off with us but I cant bring myself to raise someone elses child and who is to say she would give him up anyways. My H has this dream of raising the child as his and mine. I dont think I am that strong. My advise: continue to build your marriage with your H and keep the OW out of the picture completely. When the babies are born, have tests done. sorry I cant offer anything more than that, but that is where I am right now.

Breanna,

I think resolution said it all...the babies aren't his until it is proven. In my case, the ow was married also and she "knew" the oc was my H. You just can't believe a word they say.

Right now, you need to continue to work on rebuilding the marriage and being a team once again. You are doing the right thing by going to counseling that helped me and my H a lot.

Post here when you need and you will get some great advice from people in similar situations.

Take care!
Jules

Hi Breanna,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. You know, I have said this before and I truly believe this, but the OW is the one who "condemned her children to a hard life" when she chose to get involved with a married man who was not committed to her in the first place. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I believe this. I also have faith that God will provide for the children HE allowed to be conceived through the affair.

If you believe that the right thing to do is to support the kids, then go for it. But you probably shouldn't agree to your H being the one making contact with OW--that should be your job, and it is a difficult one, as many of the ladies here who are in your position can attest to...

Still, definitely you would need to find out if indeed the kids are biologically related to your H before you spend any more of your valuable time feeling guilty for anything. You have no responsibility other than the role you possibly played in maybe neglecting your husband's needs--or whatever he claims he was looking for and not getting at home that led him to another woman?? NOT that it is your fault he decided to have an affair--that was his choice and his choice alone--but just saying that we all can improve in our marriages and what we contribute to the nurturing of the relationship. You are not to blame for your H's affair--he alone made that decision. He had choices! He could have come to you and honestly told you that he was feeling tempted to have an affair and why--you know? To give you the opportunity to change whatever, if needed.

Until you know for sure that these babies are biologically your H's, you have other things to focus on, such as your recovery from all this trauma! Good luck! Keep reading the concepts and keep posting. You will find a lot of support here.

I wish I could even hope that they weren't his, but I am sure that they are. The doctor's place the conception date right smack in the middle of a 2 month deployment that her husband was not on. Even if they are off by a little, they are still my husband's. We celebrated our 2 year anniversary yesterday. It was really nice. We just bought a new house because I didn't feel like I could go back into the old one (OW stayed there for a few nights), so we spent most of the day moving things in. We shared a quiet dinner together though and danced in the still empty living room. I had a great day. It's nice to feel like we have come so far.

Breanna,

I'm not trying to get your hopes up, but I am going to try to warn you to proceed with caution.

My H was convinced OW's child was his. He lived it and breathed it for two years.

OW was also sure that it was his. She even admitted to trying to get pregnant by my H. She said she ALWAYS wore condoms with her BF but never with my H.

Both of them were sooooooo sure. In fact my H almost signed the Birth Certificate. Only stopped by the fact that his license was expired, by only a few days. Just one week later he told me about them.

I was firm and vocal that he would not sign document one until DNA proved he fathered that child. And at the time we couldn't afford the test, a year and a half later with court ordered DNA we found he WAS NOT the father.

So please, please don't assume it's your husband's child. Was he the only man with sperm on that deployment??????

Please proceed with caution. Get the test ... it'll remove all doubts and might even give you a reprive.

Good luck,
Z.