I would like to know the following. I know you can only speak for yourself and it doesn't apply to all but I am sooooo freakin curious as to the following.

1. Why would a woman sleep with a man that she knows is married.

2. Why would a woman allow herselp to become pregnant by a MM.

3. After learning they are pregnant, why decide to keep child.

4. After all is said and done and child is here, why on earth do you think your C deserves so much when you have not only destroyed a marriage but a home and the lives of the children born of the marriage.

When I asked my H OW why she wanted a baby by a man she knew was married, she told me that was her business. I just don't get it.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:32 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Dear mom of five,

Don't have much time, I'm on my way to the movies, but I had to say one thing. You said "right or wrong" those are the decisions that you made.

There is no right or wrong, as far as I can tell in these triangles or quadrangles that we find ourselves in. There are only feelings and each of us must follow our own.

I said it in another post and I will say it again. If all OWs thought like you, this situation would be a lot easier to bear. I love to see different points of view on this board when they are offered for discussion and thought, not forced on others. Your d is a lucky girl to have a mother who will sacrifice so much to allow her to have a father.

Thank you for helping us all understand what our OWs might have been thinking when they ventured into this situation. Now, if we could only understand what our H's were thinking ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

love,
heavenly

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 04:18 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>

Thank you all for your response. I didn't learn anything though. It's just as I thought, OW are VERY selfish people. This is why they can allow themselves to get caught up in something like this. When you woman talk of your children, you act as if it was joint agreement to have these children. If it was not a joint agreement, WHY expect anything. MOF, just as you had strong feelings to keep the OMC, a MM (some anyway), once OC is born can't walk away. But thanks to the OW MM doesn't really have a choice after conception, its just like the BS--it becomes a lose-lose situation.

Let me thank you both again because I think I can better understand my H and OW situation now. At first I was feeling guilty about trying to keep him from having contact but after reading your posts, I don't. Neither of you mentioned any remorse for BS and her children. Its as I said on previous posts, BS should do EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER to protect their own.

What hurts me so much is OWC or OMC turn out "OK" most of the time. It's the children of the family that hurt for MANY, MANY years because their home was turn upside down by VERY, VERY selfish peope.

MOF, I hope you get down on your knees everyday and thank GOD for you H.

lemonpie,

I know you're going through a hard time, but you are bein' hard on Mof5! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I do not think I'd be so thankful for a husband who'd committed adultery more times than I could COUNT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> That doesn't make her affair/OC right, NO, but let's not go off the deep end. In her particular case, it sounds like the OM deserves extra blame, in having lied about the BC (how many times have we on this board supported BS who were pissed about the XOW lying to H about BC?!?!) It is a blessing if Mof5 and her H have pulled a good marriage from the remains of a bad one, together, in spite of it all.

One more thing. A wise person once pointed out to me that EVERYONE takes stupid chances and does stupid things sometime; it's just that we do it in different areas of our lives. Maybe some of us have thicker walls to our glass houses than others <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , but none of us are perfect.

Anyway, I hope everyone takes everything with a grain of salt... whew. I hate to see the mud-slinging re-commence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

Dear lemonpie,

I don't think that the main motivation in anyone having an A is selfishness. It seems very selfish to those who are affected. But, it starts as a spark that both parties know they should ignore but so many things can make you give in -- unhappiness with yourself, searching for understanding, boredom, wanting to be someone different, and genuinely liking something about that other person.

I think the hardest challenge in life is to stay happily married. Sometimes without even realizing it, you stop fulfilling your mates desires just because you get into that daily rut.

Momof5's affair was a wake-up call for her marriage. That was certainly my experience and I am the BS. My H's affair made me take a hard look at him and myself and figure out what went wrong and why it went wrong. It is so unfortunate that a child was born of the A, but that is a fact, it cannot change and as two married people who still very much love each other we both had decide how we were going to deal with this fact.

Anger is a very powerful emotion. Don't let it eat you alive and make you bitter. Like Jenny said, every one of us makes stupid choices in our lives. That's because we are human. Your H made a terrible mistake, but you don't have to let that mistake destroy you and your family.

I would encourage you to read as much as you can about forgiveness and relationships. The more you learn about what you are feeling and understand it, the more you will be able to cope. Believe me, I know how you feel. We have all been there. But, you have to make a conscious decision to be happy again. You have to draw that line between your old marriange and H, and your new marriage and H, deal with the present and don't look back at the past. You will always remember the past, but there can come a day when it will no longer consume you.

All children are a blessing to the ones that love them. The ex-OW in my life loves her child. She is simply not mature enough to be in a relationship with a married couple - me and my H. She has to put her wishes for the OC first, just the way you and I put our wishes for our children first.

I am praying for you in this time of tremendous pressure when you are unsure which way to go. If you love your H, forgive him. Don't continue to punish him over and over for the mistake that he made. That was a pattern that I repeated daily with my H until we learned to truly communicate our feelings. I was comfortable and happy as the victim who had been "done wrong" by the evil H and OW. But, I was also wearing my sadness and my anger like a shroud.

Since shedding the shroud, I have found underneath a strong, vibrant woman who wants to live her life not moan and groan her life away. I have now given myself a peace of mind that I never thought possible.

Sorry this post is so long, but you sound like you are in such distress that I got a bit long-winded.

Praying for you with love,
heavenly

SORRY TO PISS YOU GUYS OFF. I must admit I do feel sort of stupid because I was unaware of MOF total situation. I just started posting again and I only read the most recent posts. I only responded to MOF when she responded to me.

However, I don't feel sorry for MOF, she had the opportunity to leave her H, not ruin someone else's family because hers was a mess. As my mother use to say, misery loves company. I guess MOF figured someone did it to her then it is "OK" to do it to someone else.

It makes me even sicker that MOF knew the pain her H caused herby having A yet she would inflict pain on someone else's family.

MOF, so what he pursued you--ever man that pursues you, you sleep with.

I consider myself very attractive. I am 5'1, 120 lbs and I get hit on every day. I work with men who would love to bed me but I am in a committed (so I thought-shame on me) relationship.

I get so tired of OW saying "he wanted me, if things were OK at home he wouldn't be with me, etc."

But I guess they have to tell themselves that in order to validate their own self worth.

One other thing, are you suggesting MOF that since my H cheated on me and I am now not feeling like my EN are being met I should take someone I work with up on their offer of giving me the world? Just asking?

All in all, I am not going to get into mud slinging because because my intention is not to hurt anyone on this forum. Because I know if you are posting on this forum you are in a lot of pain already.

Lemonpie,
I am sorry that you are hurting so right now. I too over the past year have asked those questions over and over, but I realized that I can not hold OW souly responsible for the chaos that has come into my life.
Mof5 I have over the months valued your honesty, and I have learned from your responses.
I hate to see the way this discussion has turned. It is like the weekend I have had with H. I have come out of it with no hope for compromise. Very hurtful things were said. Right now I have no hope for a future.

Tina

lemonpie,
Maybe it is time that you stopped looking at everyone elses situation and took a good long look at your own. Take a good long look at yourself and what you may or may not have contributed to your own marriage which allowed your H to be vulnerable to an A. Maybe your H was telling this woman that he loved her and he was leaving you. That you were a b****. It is very possible that he made it VERY easy for her not to feel guilty about you. You need to stop wasting so much of your time and energy worrying about OW and why they do what they do and spend more time thinking why your H did what he did. JMHO

<small>[ July 08, 2002, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: want it back ]</small>

I'm almost scared to respond, but had to as this is something that we all need to think about. And for those of you wonderning, I am short on time, as I need to get myself and Abbi ready for her appointment.

The answer to #1 is stupidity and, I'm going to contradict Heavenly here, selfishness. Needs weren't being met, major things had never truly been dealt with, so it happened.

#2 Again, stupidity, but xOM/MM was also "blackmailing" me. Very long story that I really don't have time to get into right now.

#3 I actually did think of abortion, but God had His hand in that, and the first number I called was not to a clinic, but a crisis pregnancy center(didn't have that type of name, so thought I was safe), and I have given a child up for adoption before, and it is a very painful choice! H and I decided together to keep the baby, and we never informed xOM/MM of the pregnancy or the birth, and xOM/MM never even asked, and we pray that he never finds out!

#4 The only lives that Abbi has affected are those of mine and Sailorman's families! Some family members on my side know, and all of them on Sailorman's know(another story I can't get into right now). They will all know some day, but right now, it is time to work on our family/M.

Now, I know this has been said many times before, but I think you need to really think about your forgiveness. The sermon at church yesterday dealt with just these types of emotions you are going through. I'm not going to preach, but you need to be willing to forgive, and, yes, forget, as much as you can! It's hard, especially with a reminder of that sin for so many years, but it can be done!

In closing, read Col 3:8-10.

I hope I helped some, but now I need to get my shower, and Abbi and the other kids ready to go.

Love,

Tigger

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

I too have stood on the sidelines and watched this thread unfold. Reading what I have read i'm extremely hesitant to add my 2 cents but here goes:

On the question of BC:
Let me say I have a child, but it is not MM's child. If I left BC up to him i'd be pregnant. I took painstaking efforts to NOT become pregnant. He sabotaged them at every turn. I'd put the condom on him. He's take it off. He swore to me that he'd had a vectomy (sp?). Turns out he didn't. For a long time we were on the same page about BC. Then he changed his mind. Too bad he'd did't think to consult me about the change. Truthfully I think he was trying to find a way out of his marriage. And be believed that an OC might be the key.

I often wonder what it is that would cause a man to be so careless as to not use BC. Even if she's on the pill condoms are still an option. Men aren't that stupid. They know that as soon as sperm hits egg their choices end. What's that saying, "an ounce of prevention..."

Thank you all for your responses. To set the record straight I am not angry with anyone on this board. MOF, I am and was sincere when I asked those questions of you and because I don't agree doesn't make me angry. I want to apologize to everyone who responded to my post if I have offendend them in any way.

Its funny, a year ago when I was truly hurting, I started posting on this board, after a month or so I stopped. I been posting now for approx. 1 week and I now realized why I stopped posting and only read. I see it has come time for me to realize this board is not for me. Again, thank you all.

Thank you all for your responses. To set the record straight I am not angry with anyone on this board. MOF, I am and was sincere when I asked those questions of you and because I don't agree doesn't make me angry. I want to apologize to everyone who responded to my post if I have offendend them in any way.

Its funny, a year ago when I was truly hurting, I started posting on this board, after a month or so I stopped. I been posting now for approx. 1 week and I now realized why I stopped posting and only read. I see it has come time for me to realize this board is not for me. Again, thank you all.

<small>[ July 10, 2002, 07:35 AM: Message edited by: mom of five ]</small>

<small>[ August 15, 2002, 04:15 AM: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</small>