I've been married for 16 years and have 3 children ages 7, 9, and 11. During this time I was a fairly heavy drinker. I was pretty much a happy drunk, but when provoked I would get very defensive and argumentative. Fights were extremely rare in our marriage. Over the past 2 years I've felt pushed away from my wife. She started a Masters Degree and that added on top of her already busy schedule (work, girl scout leader, school board member, etc) left her no time for us. I'd try to talk, but she'd always bark that she has a paper due, etc. She's always very short tempered with the kids and vents a lot of that anger on me. Also over the past 2 years my drinking increased to a point where I became uncomfortable with it. I made a conscious effort to try and improve myself around our anniversary last June. I tried to cut back on the beers (with varying success) and be more attentive and affectionate with her. I noticed she was shunning my romantic advances. Finally, in mid-July I asked her why we not so intimate anymore. She lashed out with a “it’s about time you noticedâ€. The conversation then went to her feeling ‘empty’ and that she had thoughts of leaving. That was my wake up call to sober up (done) and try to be a perfect husband, doing all the things she would like.
Shortly after exiting detox we went out with some friends and had a great time. But something bothered me. She and a male friend seemed a little to familiar with each other. I chalked it up to my mixed emotions from alcohol. A week later I get a whopping cell phone bill. Mostly calls to this friend of hers. I confronted her about the calls and she said it was some friend from work. I called the number and he answered (its his cell phone number) and he denied talking to wife a lot on the phone. Make a long story short it appears to be an emotional affair that started around Christmas 2003. The contact has virtually stopped but they still run into each other since they are both on the school board and our son is in the same class as his kid.
Now its 4 months later and I still get the ILYBINILWY stuff. I’ve read numerous books on fixing marriages, but she refuses. I asked her about marriage counseling and was met with extreme hostility. She still fills her schedule and has no time for me or the kids. She still yells at them and directs anger towards me. I logically know I had nothing to do with what angered her, but yet I still internalize it. I’m lucky to get a kiss hello and good bye. We are both seeing physiotherapists, but individually. She outright refuses to discuss our love issue. Refuses any joint counseling, ALANON, etc.
She says she’s “disconnected†from me and doesn’t know if it can be fixed. I’ve noticed she has “disconnected†herself from everyone. Her sisters have remarked on her changes over the past 2 years, she avoids her mother. Now she’s taken on a full time job (night shift) and will make herself scarcer. She seems happier if I just pretend nothings wrong, and has said this is what she wants. But yet there is her feelings of not loving me.
What do I do?
